I have felt pretty fantastic for the last few months, emotionally at least, physically? Not so much. And when I say I’ve felt emotionally fantastic I mean in regards to depression because to be honest there was a three week time between positive pregnancy test and chilling the chill out that I wasn’t so fun to be around. And when I say I wasn’t fun to be around I mean that Cody hated being around me because he was the one I would emotionally unload on.

And there was that one teensy tiny (enormous) panic episode when I landed in Canada after almost dying/barfing/crying in the plane getting there, followed by me being held by customs, followed by an unexpected bus ride…other than that! Golden!

Cody told me the other night that my belly button gets sad when I’m pregnant.

sad bellybutton.

I have such an innie that it never became an outie or even a flattie when I was pregnant with Addie. And unbeknownst to me, it apparently looked sad.

Currently it appears as though I am smuggling a Homer sized donut under my shirt from the front and from the side it appears as though I am in a perpetual state of doughboy poke.

pilsbury has nothing on me.

I can only assume it is revenge on Pilsbury’s part.

you push, he giggles.

But back to my emotions, my feeeeelings.

Yesterday as I plunked my weary body in front of my SAD lamp (as is my morning ritual during Indiana winters) I started to think about how depression and pregnancy share so many symptoms. Loss of appetite, exhaustion with the inability to sleep or the ability to sleep way too much, not to mention aches, pains, random crying sprees and lethargy. I began to panic that maybe my depression was seeping back in and pregnancy had been hiding it and suddenly BLAM I’d be hit like roadkill by a Mack truck out of nowhere by it.

But I know depression well enough. Or at least the way *I* do depression. I still want to talk to people. I still want to be around people. I can still laugh. I can see all the things going right in my world. I can get excited about this Mozzi in my belly (Which if you could move around soon so I could feel you? I’d appreciate it.) And I am really excited about spending Christmas in my house with my family for the second year. (We moved in a year ago next week…)

So nope, depression isn’t getting the better of me (at least not yet.)

But I know it’s getting a lot of you out there.

Holidays, weather changing, stress…

I keep a very special place in my heart for all you. I believe anyone who had dealt with depression does. Just because I’m feeling awesome doesn’t mean that everyone else is too. Some of you are struggling, some privately, some openly. And just as you’ve been there for me when I’m in ugly places, there’s hundreds of people out there who want to be there for you while you’re in your ugly places, me included. Even if all I can do is tell you that it will get better.

Or draw a picture of Santa on my ever expanding belly.

ho ho ho, who do you know?

Then there’s also the ladies who are left without their babies. I mean, I’ve gone through phases where it seemed as though everyone and their un-spayed cats were pregnant except for me. Well I am pregnant and it still seems as though everyone is pregnant.

But I know that’s not true.

And I’m sorry it can’t be true for everyone who wants a baby.

Messy, this real life stuff is.

Hope everyone is hanging in there and that you and the people around you are taking good care of you.

xoxo

Comments

  1. SO effin’ glad you are feeling good. SO.

  2. Umm, I’m sorry, but I’m the only one who’s allowed to decorate body parts for the holidays. I hold a copyright on it!

    Love the belly. :)

    Casey Reply:

    @Avitable, My belly could take your scrotum down in any competition any day.
    Except for the scrotum lover competition. But I don’t really want to be involved with those people, so it’s cool.

    Avitable Reply:

    @Casey, I don’t want to be involved with those people either. Now if there’s a Meat Lover’s Pizza competition, count me in.

    Casey Reply:

    @Avitable, It’s all yours. As long as I can have the pickles on a sandwich competition. (I get to win this one by default.)

    Avitable Reply:

    @Casey, it’s all yours!

  3. DarlingOne says:

    I evidently took waaaay too long of a break from reading this blog because I DID NOT KNOW YOU WERE PREGNANT! Big ol’ CONGRATULATIONS! I was just reading about you in the… Star? (I think) last weekend and feeling like I already knew you. Silly, I know. Anyway, I’m so glad you are a) getting something you’ve yearned for (BABY) and b) feeling good about it! :)

    Casey Reply:

    @DarlingOne, Thanks! That Star article will travel with me for a long time…

  4. You are a terrific person, Casey. I don’t know how being pregnant feels but I do that depression thing very well. This time of year is really, really difficult. Thanks for blogging about it as well as making me smile.

  5. I really need to get one of those SAD lamps for the hubby. He suffers from severe depression, too…touched by SAD. Winters are always hard for him.

    I’ve seen how tough it can be, and I can’t imagine adding hormones on top of it. I wish you the best…knowing that you have the strength to get through this…even on those days when you feel like you can’t :)

    Casey Reply:

    @Sarah, I seriously think they should be mandatory for anyone living in the Midwest. It’s what gets me out of bed some days.

  6. Ahhhh. Thank you for posting these. I have been begging too much haven’t I? I love you, and I knew we were kindred with the belly button thing…mine never popped either and I can def channel the Homer donut. Glad you are happy…I can feel it when we talk. SO much better than the first few weeks where I worried non stop about you. LOVES.

    Casey Reply:

    @Kim, It’s all for you baby.

  7. I just put myself back on my antidepressant after taking a little ‘drug holiday’ for about six months. I did really well. But the darkness comes, the cold weather, the snow and I know what I need, I recognize what my body needs. I am so glad I have found your blog. I makes me feel so much better knowing there are others out there who fight the fight daily. Your belly is adorable! Congrads and enjoy. We just welcomed our second grandbaby, a little boy, the day before Thanksgiving. Nothing beats holding that little bundle of love. Pure heaven.

    Casey Reply:

    @Erin, I thankful that I too am at that point where I know what my body needs and I’m not ashamed to admit if it needs a little chemical interference here and there.

  8. Thanks, Casey – I needed this. Also? I love how your posts all end with “xoxo” because that is how I end most conversations with people so it makes me happy!

    Casey Reply:

    @Julia, I usually sign emails “xx” except for when my x finger gets excited and signs “xxx.” I then enter a whole other realm of sentiments.

  9. christine says:

    I love this post. Lots.

    Thanks for not forgetting the ladies that are still waiting for a baby belly.

    Casey Reply:

    @christine, I could never forget those ladies.

  10. You’re lucky if your belly button only makes the sad face when you’re pregnant. I noticed a few years ago that mine is sad full-time. If I ever get a tummy tuck, I want them to pull the skin up towards my boobs so my button can smile again :)

    Casey Reply:

    @Becky, photoshop lightbulb moment.

  11. “…there’s hundreds of people out there who want to be there for you while you’re in your ugly places, me included. Even if all I can do is tell you that it will get better.”

    Thank you. I’m new to this whole rodeo, so I had no clue how much it would help just to know I’m not alone – that there are people out there who understand where I am and what I’m going through.

    Bucketfuls of love to you and yours. <3

    Casey Reply:

    @Chibi Jeebs, Oh man, I can’t imagine how or why anyone would go it alone with how many lovely people are out there willing to help.

  12. Ah, love the Santa belly! Hi baby!

  13. Hahahaha, the belly indent picture then the one of you with Pillsbury made me laugh and snort… very funny. Very smile-worthy. :-D

  14. Next up I want to see belly with a moustache.

    Steph

    Casey Reply:

    @Adventures In Babywearing, Oh, there’s many things my belly will become over the next few months.

  15. Yes, they are. I don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t have my little support team.

    And heehee, I love the belly Santa!

  16. Don’t worry – my tummy does the same thing. In fact it does it much worse. I never really look pregnant so much as really heavy. Sigh.

  17. I’m so glad you’re feeling well. I hope it continues! Cute tummy. :-)

  18. Thank you so much honey. I love you.

    And? You look AWESOME.

    xoxoxo

    Casey Reply:

    @VDog, I love you more. And think about your uterus way more than my own.

  19. Casey, I am so glad you are feeling well. I have been on and off meds my entire adult life and can remember being fairly depressed as a child. I honestly think if I didn’t live in Florida, I would never have an “off meds” time period. For the most part now it is really bad PMDD that hits me…the progesterone drops and it’s crazy town in my house. Last month I felt like I was never going to crawl out of it, but I did. I also like to be around others, even when depressed, and I also take it out on my husband, my rock.

    Big hugs, girl, and prayers for continued well-being for you.

    Your belly is adorable. :)

    -L

    Casey Reply:

    @LisaJ, Oh man, crazy town may hit come May but I’m going to enjoy weepy town until my train hits that station (or misses it…fingers crossed!)

    JourneyBeyondSurvival Reply:

    @LisaJ, Did you see that Community episode where they were looking for Annie’s pen?

    Reminds me of your rock husband. And made me laugh off a tough week. ;)

  20. I love your baby belly, sad face and all. Here’s hoping that the baby starts breakdancing in there so you can feel him/her and all the breakdancing will keep the gloomies away. So far I am doing okay, but Alexis turns 16 in one week so ask me next Thursday how I am doing.

    Casey Reply:

    @Domestic Extraordinaire, SIXTEEN? I die.

    Domestic Extraordinaire Reply:

    @Casey, I know, right. Feel free to come here and console me with cupcakes.

  21. I find the fact that you have dealt with (and/or still dealing with) depression and have had it take a really long time to get pregnant, and still, here you are, not suffering from a bad bout of depression and are totally knocked up, but totally sympathizing with people who are going through what you’ve gone through, really really cool. Sometimes its easy to forget that you ever went through those things when you finally aren’t going through them anymore (does that make sense?), and its refreshing to see someone NOT forget, and still be aware and thoughtful of other peoples feelings.
    I think I would really like to meet you some day.

    Casey Reply:

    @Amy, Then so it shall be. And we will have tasty snacks. It will be wonderful.

  22. I used to think that I would absolutely Blossom while pregnant. Miracle of life, quickening and all. I naively thought that I would be blissful.

    Along came reality.

    Depression is at it’s worst in my life when newly pregnant. Not only is it dangerous, it also sucks out the joy from what I was so dearly anticipating. Thanks for talking openly about it! People are so desperate to validate and find a direction. People like me. ;)

    Congrats on doin good.

  23. You are such a beautiful soul, Casey. I’m so very glad you are my friend. And if you were wondering, which it kind of seems like you’re asking in this post (of all of us), in light of everything going on over here lately, I am doing okay most of the time and trying very very hard to take good care of me as well as the situations around me.
    Big giant belly poking hugs to you my friend. Love you a million, frillion kazillion. <–one of T's sayings. :)

    Casey Reply:

    @Karen Sugarpants, frillion zillion right back at you.

  24. Thank you so much for being so open and honest about your battle with depression! I am currently “okay”but I know that can change in an instant. It’s so nice knowing that there are others like me and they are as fabulous as you.
    I have really enjoyed reading some of your archives recently and your writing is beautiful.
    Thank you!

  25. YAY for feeling better!

    And jealous of the Roots sweatpants!

  26. I am jealous of your beautiful belly… the one that looks like Santa.
    I never became an “outie” either. Here’s to deep navels!

  27. I love you and I’m so happy that you’re happy. You deserve happy.

    XOXO

  28. I am so glad you are feeling so good.

    and I too have a DEEP belly button. No outie for me when preggo either.

  29. Totally needed that picture of your Santa belly.

    Now, where do I get me one of those lamps…

  30. This is a nice post, Casey. Ver’ nice.

  31. I have never posted here before, but I needed to tell you that you are speaking to a perfect stranger, also getting through this Indiana winter, on a much-needed day. My first pregnancy recently ended in miscarriage and threw me into a chain of panic attacks and now depression that has not lifted. I started seeing a Psychiatrist two weeks ago and I am back in therapy weekly. Currently, I feel like I will not survive this and that it will not end, but reading posts like this reminds me that my brain is lying to me. There are many people in the world struggling and also many that have been where I am and come out the other side. I still have a long road to walk, but I appreciate this post. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!!

  32. I’m SO glad to read you’re doing well and I also appreciate the good thoughts for those of us who are having a harder time with the season. As always, and I do mean always, your posts touch my heart. Like the pictures too. :)

  33. hee hee

    You should dress your belly up at least once a week.

  34. Casey, you’re such a gift.
    Thanks for being you and doing what you do.

    Your belly artwork made me laugh. :-)

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