moosh in indy.

January 4, 2011

My dad does this thing where if I complain about something he comes back with “Well at least you…”

“It’s so hard having Cody gone at school all the time.”

“Well at least you know where he is, he’s not off in Afghanistan somewhere getting shot at.”

“Addie won’t sleep, she’s up crying every night and I don’t know what to do.”

“Well at least you have a baby, imagine all those moms with dead babies.”

We all kind of hate it. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s true or because it hurts so bad to be told your pain and difficulties aren’t all that valid because someone out there has it worse.

I remember in high school a time that I took a lot of pills. A lot. I’m not entirely sure what my goal was in doing it, I was an angsty teenager desperate for attention. I remember arguing with my mom, her berating me for being so distant, when I told her about the pills. She got this look on her face, so disgusted with me. All she could say was “Why the hell would you do that?”

There came a point in my relationship with my mom that I wouldn’t talk to her without a licensed therapist between us. She got us in with someone and when that someone came to the conclusion that something more needed to be done, medicinally,we never returned to the therapist again.

Obviously these are my memories of occasions, I’ve never really discussed them at length with either of my parents. And it’s not my intention to hurt them or paint them in a bad light. They were both raised so differently than one another and I realized a long time ago that there comes a point where I can’t blame my parents anymore because my life isn’t what I expected. They both did the best they knew how with the anomaly that was me.

When I was younger I could mask the pain I’m feeling now with alcohol, drugs and boys. I still remember the first time I had to face my real feelings head on without the perceived safety of reckless behavior.

It was like running full force into a brick wall.

That is how it still feels when I come up against this.

There’s no easy way to cover up this kind of pain and sadness. There’s no bandaid for depression. Alcohol and drugs were crutches for me, they held me above the misery long enough to get through another day.

When it comes to depression there’s only a very long, ugly, dark and uncertain road back to a place you think you remember.

I don’t know why this disease chose me. I don’t know how bad mine is compared to every one else’s but I don’t really care.

I hurt right now. And there’s no quick and easy way out of it that won’t cause pain to either myself or those around me.

The only way is through.

And I’m fighting like hell to make it.

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Keep fighting, Casey. You will make it through.

You keep fighting my friend. You have so many beautiful things to fight for. We’re all out here rooting for you to get through.

if it makes u feel any better, i complain about my Lover being away in afghanistan getting shot at and my dad and mom BOTH fire back with, “at least he’s not dead.”

so it doesn’t matter what the situation is. it’s a parental thing. u can’t win.

I wish I was there with you. But you know I’m here, right? always with you. Always thinking of you. Always have time for you.

I love you like a sister. You’re an amazing, wonderful person and you’re going to get through this tough time. I know it. I KNOW IT.

I know there’s nothing to say that will make you magically better, because I’ve been there. But please know that you are loved and appreciated, and that your writing has helped ease some of my pain. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

I think you could substitue all sorts of behaviors for the alcohol, drugs, and boys. I use eating disordered behaviors. It is crappy, but you are right, the only way to get past this is through.

Thank you for your honesty. It helps to know we aren’t alone in our struggles.

I hear you! I am dealing with this at the moment. I tried to explain it to my husband yesterday, but I think to him it just sounds like an excuse for my “behavior”. I’m hoping a counselor can explain it to him so he knows I am not choosing to be this way.

Keep pressing through my friend. You can do this!

Keep on with the tough fight! If there is any way I can help, let me know. I’ll take you out to lunch (or whatever)! I’m a local blog follower.

You can do it. You are stronger than you think.

You’re doing a great job, Casey. Pregnancy and postpartum are the most difficult times for women living with depression. Give yourself permission to relax and take time for yourself whenever you need it. You will make it through.

Thank you. Right now, I am smack in the middle of another round in the HELL that is cyclic depression. I don’t know which way is up – and worse, I don’t know that I care. It annoys me that I can recognize that and yet, not just “fix it.” Thank you for being able to put into words the feelings/thoughts in my head – even if just a fraction of them. It helps to know I’m not the only one – and at the same time, makes me wish there was a way I could ease your pain. The best I can do is pray that knowing that you give me hope helps, even if just a little.

I will get through this – my children deserve so much better than what I am able to do right now…all I need to do is get to tomorrow. One day at a time…

I love that picture, but it breaks my heart – it says so much right now and I just want to wrap my arms around you and tell you it will be ok. (sadly, my arms can’t reach that far, but know that in my head I totally am hugging you).

You’ll get through…we’ll walk with you.

Oh, and those parent comments? Pretty universal I think

Keep fighting, keep pushing through. Sending you tons of positive thoughts and love.

you’re right … the only way is through. i’m here, silently cheering you on & fervently praying for you and your family.

For years I have been diagnosed as suffering from manic depression. I prefer to think of is surviving through, rather than suffering from.

We each carry scars from the decisions we have made or have been made for us. Rarely can we go back and undo those actions.

So, I use the manic fits to get things done, like cleaning the house, writing the un-great non-american novel, etc. Put the energy to use and take pride in conquering the symptom, until I can identify and change the source. Since doing this for the last few years, I find the melancholy much less frequent, much less severe and the manic ‘spins of my mind’ slower, more sensible and easier to focus through.

Daniel

Casey..you are an amazing one-tough-cookie. You will make it through–we are sending you added strength and love…

You’re so generous with others. Be generous with yourself. You deserve it.

I hear you. I can’t completely understand because it doesn’t affect me personally, but it affects my son. He was diagnosed 18 mos. ago. “Play therapy” and meds didn’t work, so we stopped. We’re taking it one day at a time…and we are taking it very seriously…Please continue to reach out for help and know you are not alone. We are all here, in one way or another. And we are cheering you on…one day at a time…{{{HUGS}}}

You’ve got this. Even when you don’t think you do. And, especially then, you’ve got us. Want to make you a pie.

One foot in front of the other, until it starts to get better. I know this pain. I know the words, it will get better, doesn’t help right now. But I know it will. I will hope for you that this passes quickly.

Be gentle with yourself friend. Let other people help. Much love and hugs to you Casey.

Oh, sweetie. So sorry. You deserve all the best.

Keep going, you are never, ever alone, as much as it feels that way.

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Your pain and difficulties are valid and true. Other people’s pain and difficulties are theirs, but they don’t make yours any less.

Keep struggling, keep putting one foot in front of the other, but look up ahead once in a while and you will see all the people who love you standing with their arms reaching out to you. You are not alone.

I saw a doctor a year or so ago that told me the way to “get over” my depression was to think of women in worse circumstances. And then she handed me a bunch of samples of antidepressants. Obviously, she knows NOTHING about depression.

I was at a women’s conference a couple months ago and the woman who was speaking had her own trials in life that were gut-wrenchingly difficult to deal with. Anyway, one of the things she said when she came across someone who said to her, “Well, my problems aren’t all that bad compared to yours”, she said pain is pain is pain.

Even though your circumstances may seem less difficult than someone else’s, you’re still in pain and it doesn’t matter if someone has more or someone has less, you still have pain.

I hate the “well at least” scenarios as well, and there’s no way that they help. Those “well at least” statements are true, yes, but your pain is VERY valid and you don’t need to have a husband in Afghanistan or a dead child to be allowed to be in pain.

I’m blabbering too much here, but I wanted to say thank you for writing what you do, Casey. I’m also pregnant and suffering from deep dark depression and your posts make me feel not so alone in my struggles.

xoxo

I wish I had the magical gift with words that you have, to help you through this battle, like you have helped me. You have helped all of us with this depression struggle, and we are all here for you now. Kelp fighting Casey, there are far more people out there who need you too. And when it is us that is having a bad day, we come here to you, to help us out of it. As you have said in the past, you are not alone. Xoxoxo. <3

Thinking about you.

Your dad sounds like my dad. I hear, “Did you learn something?” and, “Do you want it or do you need it?” all the time.
I read your words, and I swear you stole them from my head.
I thought I was just doing what college students were supposed to do- partying, drinking, boys… Then I fell in love, started a family, moved to Germany, and when life slowed down around and fell completely into place, the sadness and the pain and the anger would seep through the cracks of my soul and whisper dark thoughts.
The only is through. The only way is to fight. It’s ok to stumbled and hurt and cry. It’s ok to fall.
There’s someone there waiting to help you up, waiting to cheer you on, and on the hard days, there’s someone there to give stern instruction to “get up!” if you need it.
Keep fighting, Mama. Keep fighting.
You’re stronger than you think. Dig deeper. Hold on tighter.

“When it comes to depression there’s only a very long, ugly, dark and uncertain road back to a place you think you remember.”

I don’t think anyone has ever said it in a way that resonated more with me. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes.

This breaks my heart, Casey. Know that you’re not alone and that we’re ALL here willing to help, listen, love, back off whenever you need or want.

Sending much love. <3

The best I can do is cheer you on from the sidelines. I’m cheering.

One foot in front of the other. Breathe in, breathe out. Do not look down the road, it will come whether you look or not. Focus only now now and what would make you need right now.

Hugs!

Know that we love you and keep us posted.

Lee

Lots of love and prayers.

I like how you write through it, too.

Hang in there. You are not alone. This disease hits many of us and we need eachother to help get us out. Unfortunately only those with depression know how bad it is. I know, I am here. Keep fighting, you will make it.

There is nothing I can say to take away your pain, but I had to say something to let you know I’m thinking of you.

So…something.

My homey, if I had a magic wand, I would wave that thang around & make it all better. I’m not even going to attempt to give you advice cause I don’t know firsthand what it feels like but I hope that **** goes away super soon. Love you. xoxo

I hope things get better soon!

we’re here. we’re all here. all knowing you can push through. but here for you when you think you can’t.

Thinking of you and hoping brighter days will be here soon. xoxo

You can do it.

I have been depressed. I wasn’t debilitiated. Not from depression. If you want to talk about crippling anxiety, I’m your girl.

It was such a hard place to be in. To know that so much existed in your head or over some stupid chemical imbalance and while you had every reason in the world to be perfectly functioning and happy–you weren’t.

I’m sorry you were in a situation where your Dad trivialized your pain. I really hate when people do that. I find women to be more guilty of that then men.

I hope better days are coming quick.

Fight like hell. And know that I am here wanting you to make it (and offering assistance if there is anything I can do).

Praying for you, hoping things get better! You are looking great, by the way, too!

Hi Casey, I’ve been thinking about you and praying for you. The road you are on is not easy.

Okay, a) You are absolutely adorable in that photo. I know that isn’t what you were going for; but you are. b) You are the main reason that I felt okay asking for medication to treat my depression. I was so afraid because I had not had luck in the past with medication; but I knew that I was sinking deeper every day. (Mainly because I spent time each day at work crying in the bathroom.) You made me realize that getting help doesn’t mean I’m weak or there’s anything wrong with me; it just means I need help. I was surprised that my boyfriend was supportive of my decision too and didn’t run away when I told him I was getting pharmaceutical help. Thanks Casey, I’m pulling for you to surface soon.

Casey, I never say anything for fear of not saying the *right thing* (cuz we all want to be The One that says the *right thing*.), if there is such a thing given the circumstances. I’ve battled a very mild form of this since preteendom. The only thing I have to offer you is encouragement and cliches. “It always gets better.” “You’re not in it alone.” Nothing, in my recollection, made it easier. It’s a constant feeling of being misunderstood, cast aside as crazy, uncomfortable in your own skin. I feel for you because you’re pregnant in the midst of it all. Pirate hormones, ahoy!

But, Casey, it does get better. You’re not in it alone. And we all love you. You’re beautiful. Your family is beautiful. Please keep going. I know you can do it.

Keep beating your head into that brick wall, babe.

Eventually it will come tumbling down, and your head is big and tough, I know this to be true, so maybe a goose egg on it? You will break it down, babe.

xoxo

I wish I could say something to make it all better. Just know that we are all pulling for you. Keep up the good fight.

I admire your courage in speaking out, and speaking up, about your struggles with depression. It is hard when you’re in the middle of it to remember that there is any way out.
I’m a believer of the fact that just because someone has it worse than you do doesn’t diminish how bad it is for you…and it’s always hard to hear other people try and make that comparison (your dad for example).
Keep fighting – and we’ll keep supporting you through this and everything!

keep on. we’re here. i’m so happy that you are, too.

Taking a page from your Dad’s book … well, at least you’re beautiful.

You keep fighting the battle dear. You have so many people rooting for you and willing you to get better. I feel I am heading towards my dark place for sometime now and trying my fecking hardest not to go there. Best wishes Casey.

Sending you hugs

I’ll keep on walking and you keep on walking and someday, maybe, hopefully the sun will shine again and we’ll both be “better”.

You broke my heart in your last post when you talked about how you cling to your husband because he’s the only real thing when you’re lost. I’ve caught so much crap from friends and family for burying myself in my husband when I’m feeling broken. But trying to be independent doesn’t help – knowing that I have someone I can be dependent on, knowing that someone knows how broken I am and loves me anyway, THAT helps. Thank you for saying it so much better than I ever could.

Beautiful photograph. Stop fighting it, go with the flow. Once you hit rock bottom it can only go up from there. Being depressed is a no mans land. You need to go through it to reach the other side, and it sucks to be in no mansland, but going backwards is no option… The other side will be better. I promise you. Trust your body and go with your gut feeling. We are all thinking about you, even if that does not change reality now. It will get better! I know! I was there. It will get better. Cross my heart or…

I was thinking today about how to describe being depressed to people who don’t get it. You put into words things that I’ve fought so hard to describe. It may be cliche, and it most likely doesn’t help, but please know that I thank you for writing this stuff. You give me a voice…

YOU can do it! There is a light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. It might be small, and you might not be able to see it right now, but it is there. Every step you take, every minute that passes by brings you closer to that light. Keep looking, it is there. (((Huge Hugs)))

I call my episodes “the blues”. They are really more than that but it makes it easier for me to deal with if a put a “cute” label on it. I have no words of wisdom but please know that there are stranger/friends pulling for you to find sunshine on the other side of the dark tunnel.

Hugs from Florida!

You can do it. I can do it. WE can do it. I wrote on depression as well today, but not nearly as eloquently as you. Thank you for saying what I cannot.

to the moon and back. and you know it.

xoxoxox

My darling, love.

Keep fighting.

Love you

Please keep fighting through. Praying for you, everytime I think of you (which is often). Praying for peace to fill your heart, soul, and mind.

your ability to put your thoughts and feelings into words (and photos) is so powerful. i wish you strength and courage to get through.

Praying for you, Casey… I don’t know anything else to do, so I’m praying. A lot.

second by second.. minute by minute..that is how i got thru..and you will too

Bah. I don’t know you really, but it hurts that you hurt.

And if I weren’t just some chick that creeped on your blog now and then and I knew you well enough, I’d send you a children’s book that a friend who had been through crap sent me when I was going through crap.

It’s called “We’re going on a bear hunt.” It’s a short children’s board book about just this–going through stuff that there is no other way around.

Maybe it’s the thought that counts.

Pullin for ya.

Your pain and your hurt can’t be compared with anyone else’s – it’s yours and that’s all that matters.

And we’re all here rooting you on, holding you up as best we can with our prayers.

You can do this Casey. You have before, and you can again. No, I know it’s not that easy, but you can.

Sending (((hugs)) from Texas. Wish I could do more.

Keep fighting like hell, mama!

This is the first post I have ever read of yours and just by this post, I can tell you have a beautiful soul.

When I struggle with my depression (and boy do I struggle, thank GOD for supportive husbands) I lean on prayer, chocolate and one moment at a time.
BIG SUPPORTIVE HUGS being sent your way!!!

fight, girl. my money is on you.

Uh-Oh, a cave. a dark scary cave.
You can’t go over it.
You can’t go under it.
You’ll have to go through it.

Remember the light–and peace for the journey.

you’re so right. about all of it, you are so very very right.

Oh, girl, can I relate.

My mom and I are like that. SHe once told me, upon finding Zoloft (that I felt I needed to hide in my cabinet–as an ADULT!) that I wasn’t “any better than my addict sister”.

It hurt. SO, so much.

And so did the multitude of thoughtless “at least you have two kids–some infertiles get none” when I was trying to become pregnant with S. When I miscarried our honeymoon baby.

I understand all too well, Casey. And you are right–through it is the only way.

I am here to hold your hand in cyberspace, should you need it.

As you have beautifully quoted, “Everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.” Words to live by. I wish you nothing but the best, from the bottom of my heart.

Love,

Sarah

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve been to your blog and it feels like a different place now. I had actually never heard of antenatal depression, but I thank you very much for having the courage to discuss this in your blog. I’m pregnant right now, too, and am having a lot of the same feelings that you’re discussing. I think the important thing in a time like this is to not isolate yourself and to keep in touch with every positive social support that you have – although maybe not your parents.

Hugs! You will make it through!

I know. I am so sad that this is happening you, but I’m there with you in spirit, nodding in agreement and holding your hand. Keep pushing through, you’ll find the light soon.

Love, hugs and prayers.

Always here. Always reading. Thinking of you.

How brave of you to talk about this. How thankful I am that you do. I am keeping you in my thoughts.

I hate it when people try to one-up my pain. It’s not a ****ing contest.

I hold you in my heart and hope a brighter day comes for you soon.

I wish I knew the right words to say. I love you and I’m always here if you need me.

Keep fighting. You are such a strong woman. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Hugs & prayers, friend.

I’ve been through, and through, and through again, more times than I can count. It’s hell.

You can do it. You can make it through, even if it’s just one minute at a time.

Thank you for letting your readers give you some virtual support, and not suffering in silence.

I keep wondering the same thing, with both of my diseases: Why me? Like, how the hell does it happen? Why me, and not my sister? What’s different in our biological makeup that spared her from this, yet gave her some other problems (like her multiple mouth surgeries), and spared me from them?

I’m finding more and more lately though that I have an easier time facing it head on. Well, okay, not yesterday, but definitely today. I even made a video and said, “Yep, I’m nervous.” Admitting it and saying it out loud were really freeing, even though it sucks to now feel nervous.

We will make it through. I’m here for you! Hugs and love.

i love you.

you will get THROUGH.

1. Talk to a mental health professional
2. Talk to a mental health pro please
3. Read THIS please
4. You are good enough
5. You are

Fight on, my friend, fight on. We’re all here cheering for you and ready to help you up when you’re ready. Others have said it…a person’s pain is their pain. There is no contest for who has it worst.

So often I wish I could write in a way that would articulate exactly what is going on inside of me so that those around me would be able to understand me more, possibly. Needless to say it isn’t one of my gifts and in turn I often feel trapped inside of myself. I read your blog often as you are able to express yourself so freely and more often then not I feel as though I am reading EXACTLY how I feel at the present time or how I have felt. I don’t know why or how you write your posts as they fillet you to the rest of the world, but I want you to know, that I am grateful for your willingness to be as open as you are. To share what you are all about. I am always in awe at how those who experience emotions on such an intense level often times feel so alone, yet in reality we aren’t, there are so many out there who understand us; unfortunately so many of us aren’t as willing and or capable of sharing as you are.
Emotions are hard, they are real, they are powerful and so are the urges that are connected to each emotion that we feel.
I am very aware of this as I have climb one of the toughest battles I will probably ever face and that is the healing process of placing my 2nd daughter for adoption and 6months later finding myself at the starting gate of a custody case my ex started that I was not aware would last for over 2yrs. I am currently waiting for the judges ruling for the trial that took place December 9th 2010.
Thank you again Casey for being so open. I can only hope that you are openly blessed for all of your efforts, that you are able to be comforted and that the burdens your pass through may be lightened.

Thanks for posting! I really enjoyed the report coach tote

bags sale . I’ve already bookmark this article.

I sat across from my therapist one day wondering how I could even *think* of my pain when I considered my friend who had a terminal illness. Her words rang thru me and I still hear them today when I minimize my stuff: it is not a competition. It is not a competition.

Sure, some people have it suckier. That does not, however, negate my pain or experiences. It is not a competition.

I understand what you are saying here. I survived many years of abuse and the only way to heal from it has been to keep going. The only way out is through. You will make it. Keep going. I love the Winston Churchill quote, “When you find yourself going through hell, keep going.”

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