This is a story I’d never thought I’d tell, either because it was too sacred or it would scare people off. A woman hearing voices while driving on the freeway tends to land her in the “yay! crazy!” sub genre of society. But allow me to explain.

Cody and I had been married several years. I was having some sort of early 20′s crisis over “is this it? this is all there is? an eternity more of this?” Don’t get me wrong, “this” was good, but a lifetime of Hamburger Helper (I didn’t know how to cook yet) and Friday night movies (come back Friday night movies!) seemed…well…boring.

I was talking to a friend about my crisis (I feel the needs to put air quotes around the world “crisis”) and he said “Did you ever think maybe it’s time for you guys to consider having kids?

PFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTT!!!!!!!” with a bunch of spittle sprang forth from my mouth. “KIDS? ME? I don’t even like kids! Why would I make one of my own that I am responsible for!?” (There was also an underlying fear that I wouldn’t be able to have kids due to several surgeries to remove benign tumors from my cervix.)

But after I was done talking to him I started to think, “Kids…huh. There has to be a reason people have them.” So when Cody got home I brought the topic up. He was totally not opposed to the idea, especially considering how babies are made. But we were still unable to look each other in the face and say “Let’s make a baby.” So we decided to go to the temple separately to pray for an answer.

My drive to the temple was a sunny one, blue sky, big puffy white clouds. I was mulling this kid business over in my head as I was driving when I heard “Yay! Mom’s going to know about us!” in the tiniest sweetest little voices. To say the wind was knocked out of me would be a dramatic understatement. I’ll also say it was a good thing I was already sitting.

The tears started…”Mom’s going to know about us.” and they didn’t stop. Not when I got to the temple, not when I went through the session and especially not when I was able to bow my head in personal prayer at the end. When I finally lifted my head I noticed I was surrounded by nice old ladies who worked in the temple, worried about when the snotty lady in the corner would finish it up already and “I wonder if she’s really okay?

I mean, there’s being touched by the spirit and then there’s being knocked flat to your knees I dare you to feel any other emotion but the overpowering love of God touched by the spirit. Whew, still wears me out to think of it almost eight years later.

I knew Cody and I had someone waiting for us. He had gotten the same answer but with far fewer emotions attached to it. Addie came into our lives within the next year (not without struggles of course) and we were happy. But I never forgot that those little voices in the car that day said “Mom is going to know about us.” Meaning more than one.

That tiny little moment filled with those tiny little voices carried me through the last six years. Addie was meant to be part of a them. Part of an us. A pair. Of course I was frustrated that I was promised an “us” and that “us” came much slower than any of us expected.

But I grew up, I changed, I learned. I was shaped by the experiences and the people I met and even now I am learning more and more about my capacity to love and hope and dream. Both of my babies have been trapped inside my broken body at some point. While they’ll never remember the experience, I will. There are times when I hug Addie and remember how we made it through one of the darkest times of my life together, literally.

The same will be true of Mozzi. That first moment I hold her I will be able to look at her and say “we did this, together.

I was talking with a beloved friend this last week and she mentioned that her first baby was her heart and her second baby was her soul.

Addie is my whole heart and everyday with Mozzi inside me the capacity for my soul to thrive grows.

moosh 1.0 t-shirt and moosh 2.0 onesie

I will never be able to thank them enough for letting me know about them before I even knew of my capabilities and blessings that would result from being their mom.

Comments

  1. Beautiful. Truly, beautiful.

  2. **Chills** So beautiful, Casey.

  3. I love this. So beautiful! And I don’t think hearing voices is crazy. A voice that was not my own told me on a commute home from class one night that I needed to marry my husband. I’m not typically an obedient person, but that’s one command that I have never regretted saying “yes” to!

  4. AuntieNettie says:

    You SERIOUSLY need to put a Kleenex alert warning on these posts. Those of us who are in a shared non-private office and already hormonal need to know that they are about to sob out loud, sniff, and then tear up — blowing all illusion of professionalism.

  5. Oh, the tears. Love this. Love it. So glad you and Addie and Cody are going to get to meet the other 1/2 of the “us”.

  6. this story is beautiful and completely sacred. Thank you for sharing it with all of us!

  7. I don’t usually comment on your blog but the heart and soul thing grabbed me.

    I have 8 year old twins and a 5 year old. I often think of my oldest boy as my heart, my girl as my soul and my 5 year old as my breath. Each fills a different part of me and I couldn’t live without any of them.

  8. I totally agree with Auntie Nettie – already being hormonal and pregnant, of course I’m going to cry at this. I work with a bunch of men – at times, they have no idea what to do with me!

    I’m happy those little angels knew just the thing to say to you. “Us” will be here before you know it!

  9. I have a similar story, about how our long-awaited little guy is an answer to a very specific promise from God. Awesome how he answers prayer, huh, even when it isn’t in our timing?

  10. Weeep. Can’t wait for your second half of “us” to show up.

    Also, that Moosh 2.0 onesie could not be any cuter.

  11. “Her first baby was her heart and her second baby was her soul.”

    So true. I hope that Mozzi gives you the sense of completeness and serenity that my second child gave me.

  12. I had similar experiences, you are NOT crazy. When I was in college and long before I had ever thought about kids, I had the most realistic dream that I was playing with three blonde toddlers, and I KNEW in my bones that they were my kids. I woke up feeling something I can’t explain…but it was very peaceful, very real and not at all scary. Fast forward eight years, my husband and I had a boy and a girl (both blue eyes blondes, btw), and thought our family was complete. My one year old daughter was barely speaking in sentences one day when she came up to me out of the blue and asked me in all seriousness where the “other one” was. She looked me in the eye and explained that “when we were in heaven, there was me, there was (her older brother) and there was another one. We picked you to be our mama. Where’s the other one?” I totally got chills, remembering the dream. And even though I wasn’t planning any more kids, sure enough three years later we had a surprise pregnancy and her sister joined us. I can’t imagine life without any of them.

    Elizabeth Kaylene Reply:

    @Dawn, This is why I believe children pick their parents. I have a blond-haired, brown eyed little boy waiting for me.

  13. Your ability to reach right inside me and touch my heart with your words never ceases to amaze me.

    Chills and tears. You were so very meant to be a mama to 2. And oh how amazing it will be for you to have 2 girlies.

  14. This is a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing it with everyone. So happy that your “us” will soon be complete!

  15. I believe children pick their parents. I can’t wait until the Moosh and Mozzi are together again!

  16. Powerful stuff, woman.

  17. Um, WOW. That is amazingly sacred. I’m so glad you had those TWO little voices to keep you going over the last six years.

    And WOW over some of the other commenters’ experiences. I love such spiritual experiences myself, and love to hear others’ stories about theirs.

    My own experience with this came after my first child, who we struggled for five years to conceive. My husband was very unsure of himself when it came to giving priesthood blessings, so I was a little worried about H’s baby blessing. But when the time came, K was able to let the Spirit flow and the Lord told us that H had come to the earth at the right time FOR HIM. Knowing that made the previous five years of waiting worth it.

    Isn’t it amazing how our Father in Heaven knows us and gives us what we need to make it through, even if it’s just the tiniest little memory of two little voices?

    Can’t wait to hear Voice #2.

  18. samanthajane says:

    what an amazing story! thank you for sharing those sacred moments.

    i have had moments in my life when thoughts of having kids someday has kept me from ending it all. i know they will be worth it.

  19. What a fantastic answer to prayer. I didn’t want to go through it all (depression) a second time and didn’t want to get pregnant. But after Reed and I both realized we’d been thinking it and I kneeled to pray I didn’t even get half the question out…I was overwhelmed with love. I then started to ask for strength to make it through and again got half of it out before being overwhelmed with love. Finally I just started expressing gratitude. It was the most wonderful prayer EVER. And my sweet Jimmy (most of the time) has been an enormous blessing to our family!

  20. this is beautiful…and I’m so happy you and your family will be the “us” you’ve dreamt of

  21. “her first baby was her heart and her second baby was her soul” – this makes a person who is six weeks from having her second baby cry at work. Such a sweet sentiment when you wonder how you can ever love another baby as much as you love your first. I know I *will* love the second as much, I just don’t know how.

  22. mommabird2345 says:

    This is beautiful. You are blessed. :)

  23. Beautiful, beautiful story. Thank you for sharing.

  24. When you know, you know.

  25. What a beautiful story! I’ve had a few moments in my life when I’ve heard or felt the Lord speaking to me. However, He has been silent when it comes to the possibility of children. My biggest fear is that children aren’t part of His plan for my life. I will continue to pray that a child is part of my future. I’m so glad that the Lord allowed your future children to speak to your heart. I only pray that someday, I will have that same experience myself.

  26. I’m sitting at my kitchen table crying hysterically over this story. It’s mine too. The 20′s, the crisis, the temple, only I saw people…grown up people, very strange for a woman who never wanted children in the first place. May your journey continue with the blessings of heaven.

  27. Wow, that sounds like an incredibly intense experience.

  28. This was possibly one of my favorite moments of last week. I was honored you shared it with me, and it served to reaffirm my instincts and faith. Love you much!

  29. I love this..

    xoxoxoxo

  30. Beautiful words and experience.

  31. That is amazing.

  32. This was the farthest thing from crazy. This made me cry. You really took me by surprise with this one – thank you.

  33. This is the best story ever. I’m so glad you shared!

  34. This is a really moving story Casey. That was an amazing gift you got that day. Thank you for sharing it with us.

    I had a sort of similar experience a few months ago… I was in a relationship that just wasn’t working anymore. He was a good person but we just weren’t right for each other and I was so unhappy. I was reading the part of Eat Pray Love where Liz is going through the same emotions in her marriage and I swear I heard a voice telling me that there was someone out there waiting for me. It was like my future husband was calling to me or something. I felt a little crazy about that one myself so this is the first time I’ve actually told anyone about it. Not quite the same as children, but still a pretty moving moment.

  35. Oh, Casey. Tears. At my desk. At work.

    Not pretty!

    But totally worth it. Thank you for sharing such an amazing story…I am always in awe at how beautifully you express yourself.

  36. I concur with Tara. PLease put a do not read at work warning – kthx

    Love you!!

  37. I could never have said this as beautifully, yet it’s so perfectly true. “her first baby was her heart and her second baby was her soul.”

    I only hope I can remember to explain it that way someday.

  38. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I’ve also had my baby come to me and say that she was impatient to join my family and I should get on it already. I love the experiences that show us the thinness of the veil and I pray for more and love to hear of others.

  39. All I could say to my son after pushing for 2 1/2 hours was- “we did it, we did it, we did it, we did it, my son!”

  40. Wow Casey…serious goose bumples…that was amazing, thank you for sharing!

  41. I LOVE THIS POST! Blessings to you, my friend. xo

  42. So thankful that Mozzi is on her way to you. xo

  43. God is Great, ALL the time!
    He Loves you Casey!

  44. when I was in college, my first semester as a fulbright scholar, I was having an identity crisis about myself and my then boyfriend, now husband. I just wasn’t sure if we were meant to be. I prayed, prayed, cried, prayed, and had my aunt read my tarot cards. she said in late spring or early summer I would meet a brown haired, brown eyed man that would steal my heart. I was devastated! I thought this meant we were doomed…our brown haired, brown eyed boy was born in july.

  45. I find it incredibly special that I got to hear you share that story in person, Casey. You are as lovely in real life as your words are on the page. And you wear motherhood and maternity so well.

    ~Your Photography Tribe non-photographer, Lisa-Jo from Blissdom

  46. You just made tears spring to my eyes.

    You are good for my soul Casey.

  47. That literally gave me chills!

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