Being pregnant and/or having a new baby puts a giant (GIANT) “PLEASE! JUDGE ME OPENLY!” sign on your forehead. And the backside of your birthing hips. And across your enormous pregnancy boobs. There also seems to be a flashing neon sign that radiates from your entire existence.

Why do you have a crib bumper?

She’ll have bad teeth if you use a pacifier.

In my day we would have never worn maternity clothes like that.

If you even so much as dip your toe in that hot tub your going to boil your baby.

Why are you taking medicine?

Why are you eating that?

You’ll be breastfeeding won’t you?

Why aren’t you breastfeeding?

Your baby will be fat if you use formula.

Don’t hold that baby too much, you’ll spoil it.

Your baby looks hot.

Your baby is going to freeze.

Your baby is hungry.

Your baby is tired.

You look tired.

You know it wouldn’t hurt to brush your hair.

Did you know you have stains on your shirt?

You’re not supposed to carry babies in slings.

Babies who spend too much time in strollers cry more.

Did you know your baby has a grenade?

WHY DON’T YOU LOVE YOUR BABY?

I just learned today that not only am I going to be suffering from premature cleavage wrinkles, my baby is also going to be born green and with a third eye because I didn’t spend $70 on a blanket. That’s a lot to handle before 9 am.

I want so desperately for my boobs to work this time around. I was so emaciated by the time I delivered Addie my body was not going to be giving up any more calories to sustain anything or anyone else but myself. Addie was formula fed after three long weeks of nursing, bottle feeding, pumping, brewers yeast, supplemental nursers, an almost devastating brush with Reglan and a La Leche league member who caused me to throw a phone.

Addie is not fat, she has no food allergies, no seasonal allergies, no asthma, she has had two ear infections in her entire life and aside from the weird little barfing thing she has? She rarely gets sick. She can count to 100 three different ways, can read better than I could at 8, has the fine motor skills of a surgeon and the coordination of a Manchester United goalie. (More or less, she gets a little clumsy during growth spurts, let’s be honest.)

This is a kid who was not only formula fed but was sustained through pregnancy on Gatorade, macaroni and cheese and IV’s. AND! She had a crib bumper.

I’ve done the best I could so far with that little kid and she’s turned out swell.

I think we’re all trying to do the best we can with these little lives that have been entrusted to us.

I have to have faith that my instinct with this next one is better than Nosy Nancy’s observations of what I’m supposedly doing wrong.

Stress.

Besides, Nancy probably doesn’t even realize how awesome babies look with grenades.

Comments

  1. My boobs are a pillow on their own.

    WIN.

  2. Um Casey you really shouldn’t write posts like this when you’re pregnant. It will make your hair turn green.

    Gah!
    ;)

    A bunch of us were talking about making MYOB t-shirts on the Twitterz the other day. Sounds like we need to speed that up before you go insane from crazy assvice.

  3. I used a crib bumper, bottle-fed and held my baby every time she cried.

    She’ll be 25 next month. She’s employed, self-sufficient and you can only see that third eye in the back of her neck when she twitches uncontrollably.

  4. I have two sets of twins. one identical and one fraternal. the best judgement i ever received was in the mall when an older lady stopped me to inquire about my twins. she then tsk tsk’d me when i said I had fraternal and said i was ‘loose’. When in horror i inquired as to why she said that everyone knows that identical twins have the same father and fraternal twins have different fathers and i must be loose for having so many fathers of my children.

    yeah, that really happened.

    she couldn’t figure out why i burst out laughing and just walked away.

    Holly Reply:

    @Britt, Best story ever.

  5. If your baby is born green, there is a good chance she could play the role of Elphaba in Wicked on Broadway. I’m sure the producers would love to save the money they spend on green makeup! The third eye could pose a problem though…

    :-)

  6. Ah-ha-ha!!! I love this post.

  7. I, for one, am impressed that according to every Nosy Nancy ever, you’re already screwing up your kid and it’s not even born yet.

    SUCH an overachiever.

    I love you so hard.

  8. A-MEN!

    So many women of my mother’s generation smoked and drank while they were pregnant and look! We don’t have 3 legs or anything!

    Look, I’m not advocating smoking or drinking while pregnant, but sheesh, people, give moms a little more credit. And mind your own damn business unless it’s to say how beautiful a mother and her new baby are.

    And Casey? You’re beautiful inside and out so how could you not have (nearly) perfect children? And I only say nearly because of the barfing thing. Otherwise? I’d bet she’s perfect.

  9. Dude. I nursed Dean and now he has horrible allergies and asthma THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT HE WAS BREASTFED! And we used a crib bumper. Mozzi will be just dandy and VERY loved, which is all that really matters. Tell Nosy Nancy to suck it.

  10. I cannot stand those people who think they know better and try to force their views on you. Ugh!

  11. heather bays says:

    I almost went bananas trying to nurse my first baby, Chloe. Later I found out that my uterus was bombarded with Fibroid tumors that prevented proper milk supply. I went CRAZY with extra pumping, I would get so anxious when I didn’t pump anything out…it was a nightmare. However, I pressed on nursing til she was 5 months and diagnosed as “failure to thrive” (thanks to thepediatrician who implied that putting her on formula would be devastating) and the first time I put a bottle in her mouth, I wept, feeling like a failure and that I was poisoning my child. I am OVER the pressure put on mothers to nurse. It has gotten out of hand. Chloe is now 12 years old, in the 4th percentile for weight and 95th for height (JEALOUS.) and is never and was never sick. It’s 12 years later and I still get worked up over this issue. Your baby needs you to follow YOUR God given instincts that EVERY mother has for her child and that is pretty much all a baby needs. Thanks for this post. I hope expectant and new moms read this and let out a huge sigh. I only wish 12 years ago people would have been more transparent and honest. xoxo

    p.s. sorry for the rant…might need to take this one to the therapist!

  12. That is one of my favorite photos of all time.

  13. Ack people make me so stabby. I love how after I had my baby I breastfed and everyone was secretly mortified by it. When I had to stop because of an allergic reaction that I had to take a month long steroid course everyone sighed in relief telling me that I was making the baby sick because I was sick! Could not believe the lack of support. Oh and everyone also told me the reason why my son had colic was because I had the rash. Fack. My kid was formula fed and in utero had a diet of ice cream and cookies and he is the brightest and funniest kid ever. Suck on that judges!

  14. I feel like you are being insensitive to those of us who suffer from cleavage wrinkles. And for that I judge you.

    I guess I will have to retaliate by purchasing the blanket.

  15. Great blog! As someone with degrees in all of this, I can tell you one thing: “Experts know nothing”. :)

  16. Great post!

  17. to be mother is a miracle of the life. we must love our children.

  18. Thank HEAVEN I’m not the only one that feels this way about unsolicited advice and judginess. I’m going to pacify the crap out of my kid. She’s also getting a crib bumper. I’ll probably have my husband hold her like a football too. You’re always going to do the best you can do and that’s wonderful. “Those who can, do, and those who can’t, teach.”

  19. Oh hilarity. I have seen someone tell or ask a mom almost all those things – sometimes me, usually not. I have some sort of quality that generally works to repel unwanted advice from strangers. I haven’t quite figured out what it is yet – I look pretty harmless (I think!?) but it still irritates me when I see friends being chastised by old ladies about how their babies are too hot / too cold / eating too much / too little, etc.

  20. LOVE this post..

  21. This sort of thing is the worst aspect of pregnancy / new motherhood, other people telling you what you should and shouldn’t be doing.

    You look fab.

  22. http://xkcd.com/radiation/ you can send this back to whoever directed you to the belly armor folks…

  23. I’m expecting my first in August and I am super freaking excited for the judgies. Bring it on. I’m surprisingly confident in many of my child rearing decisions. This may change once the actual child rearing gets into effect, but it won’t be because nosy nancy at the grocery store told me to do it a different way.