I have sat in front of my computer for the last several years watching people fight over breast vs. bottle.
My milk never came in with Addie and while I was always curious what die hard lactivists had to say about such a thing, I never got involved. Don’t poke the boob bears.
I always figured if I ever got pregnant again the boob issue would go one of three ways.
A) A repeat of my pregnancy with Addie leaving me so emaciated that my body would again be unable to produce milk.
B) They’d work like champs.
C) They wouldn’t work very well and I’d just lie to the Internet about them.
Never did I consider the fourth option…that my body would betray me yet again.
PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) can and does factor into milk supply. Never was it mentioned in any book that was recommended to me, article I read online or by any lactation consultant I talked to. It just happened to come up in a conversation with a nurse at the hospital during one of Vivi’s appointments that yes, PCOS can affect milk supply but no, she didn’t know how or what could be done about it.
Turns out I am part of a very (very) low percentage of women who will not only have trouble establishing a decent supply of milk for my baby, I will most likely be unable to maintain it for a long period of time. All because of PCOS. Something that kept me from getting pregnant in the first place.
I have been told that the loss of a nursing relationship must be mourned properly. Not that I’m ready to give up yet, I’m not going to. But I can understand why it is said the loss needs to be mourned. Some of the most magical moments so far in Vivi’s life have come when we’re curled up together and she’s nursing. I never understood why people thought breastfeeding was so wonderful, in fact there was a time I thought it was kind of gross.
But it’s not gross. It’s wonderful. And I feel so…angry?…cheated?…betrayed?
I don’t know.
I would just like to be able to pick my baby up, nurse her and have her be content.
Instead feeding her is a marathon of supplemental nursers, pumping, timing and various medications and herbs.
To be honest I’m very tired. This is very hard, simply feeding her has taken up my entire existence, which is fine because she’s so wonderful. And I know that no matter how she gets fed she will always be loved.
I thought the Internet has a lot of opinions on how to get a baby out…turns out there’s even more opinions on how to get milk to come out. Problem is, babies have to come out, milk does not.