moosh in indy.

June 10, 2011

I am beginning to realize that for me, breastfeeding is not about nourishing my baby’s belly with my body. It would be very easy to look back over the last five weeks and think about all the supposed time wasted on futile attempts to gain a full and abundant milk supply but it’s become apparent over these furiously fast yet long weeks that this difficulty is in fact a blessing.

Because of my difficulties with nursing, Vivi has rarely left my arms, let alone the house. This has forced me to literally sit down and focus on what is most important, her. I’m so thankful I’ve had the support to give her what milk I have been able to produce, not to mention the time and ability to give it to her. I have spent hours staring at her, memorizing every flutter of her eyelashes and every curve of her face. I have spent even more time with her curled up in my arms, breathing in every part of her deliciousness.

Many people seem to get so caught up in the breast vs. bottle debate they forget about the actual act of feeding.

It hurts my heart to see a baby being pushed around in a stroller with a bottle propped up in its mouth.

They are only this little for such a small time, and if someone can’t find the time to hold their baby close when they’re eating? When are they making time to memorize their baby’s face, hold their chubby little fingers and watch their eyelids grow heavy with sleep?

Feeding Vivi has become in intimate act no matter how the food is delivered, a time to focus wholly on each other. While the breastfeeding may not last forever, I’m not comfortable in saying that our nursing relationship will ever come to an absolute end. She has always loved nursing the most, as have I. I have been able to comfort her when nothing else has worked. Me. Only me. I could never deny her the comfort that only I am able to give her as long as she will accept me.

It would be (and has been at times) really easy to get angry that something we both enjoy so much has been tainted by forces out of our control. I can’t say that my body completely betrayed me because it is what allowed me to have Vivi in the first place.

Just as it was so easy to get enraged with women who got pregnant easily and those who complain about their condition, it would be easy to become jealous of the women who are able to (fairly) effortlessly breastfeed their babies.

I’m becoming aware that perhaps certain things are supposed to be more difficult for me so that I forced to appreciate them more when and if they do happen for me.

There will always be a little bit if hurt in my heart that I have been unable to nurse Vivi exclusively, but I have been lucky enough to know all of the very best parts, even if it hasn’t ever worked perfectly. There are women who will never know the feeling of having a baby fall asleep at their breast, or a baby fall asleep in their arms ever.

I am blessed and lucky to know this all encompassing love for a little girl who is completely and utterly dependent on the caring and love that I am responsible and honored to provide her.

She has my whole heart, something that could never be found in either a breast or a bottle.

Comments off.

magnificent. <3

This post is perfection. You put it into words perfectly.

Simply beautiful.

“I’m becoming aware that perhaps certain things are supposed to be more difficult for me so that I forced to appreciate them more when and if they do happen for me” What a beautiful concept to grasp!

She is beautiful, as are you and your words.

This is beautiful and you are a wonderful Mom and you are both so very lucky to have each other. I feel so lucky to have sat next to you and little Vivi on our flight from TypeA(regardless of the less than desirable seats outside the lavatory.)

Casey Reply:
June 10th, 2011 at 11:23 pm

@Cathy, I always think of that flight and you when I see the potty seats!

I had very few actual nursing moments with my daughters. They just wouldn’t latch/could not get anything when they did. But those few precious moments? They mean the world to me.

Still, having the opportunity to pump and bottle feed my babies was an awesome experience. Exhausting and crazy at times, but awesome. And I’m so glad I did it. I’m also finally feeling comfortable that they are exclusively on formula now. It is what it is. My body could only do so much.

The thing is, no matter how or what I fed my girls, I still felt that nursing relationship. I still do. Sure, I’m certain it would have been so great to actually nurse them, but snuggling up with my girls while I feed them their bottles? It’s awesome too, you know?

Casey Reply:
June 10th, 2011 at 11:24 pm

@Erin, I totally know.

So beautiful, Casey. Brought back some really special memories of my own little baby. Your Vivi has the most gorgeous head of newborn hair I’ve ever seen.

Lovely. Heartfelt. Honest. And Wonderful! Just like you. (and Vivi of course)

Beautifully, perfectly stated. You nailed it.

That was absolutely beautiful. We’re still going strong at 21 months and this made me all choked up.

Awwwww, such a sweet sweet post and resonates with me very much.

I have two sons and my breastfeeding journeys with both of them were complicated. VERY complicated. But I think back and have nothing but good thoughts at how much effort I put into feeding them.

My first son, who I only able to BF for 1 month, never held his own bottle. He refused. I literally held it for him every single feeding for 12 months. But I think back and realize how much I loved those moments. Now, I cannot get him to sit still for one moment.

We all have our own struggles, our own paths. Thank you for sharing yours. Your not alone in your dedication.

Casey Reply:
June 10th, 2011 at 11:26 pm

@molly, I never even realized babies could hold their own bottles with Addie, so I was right there with you…holding my baby.

Yes. Yes. Yes. I certainly feel like I really savored and memorized the times I breastfed because I knew that I wasn’t going to be able to do it for long. And I so desperately wish I was still breastfeeding today. Heart-achingly, gut-wrenchingly, frog-in-my-throat-when-I-think-about it…I wanted it so, so badly. And for so long I begrudged those for whom it was effortless and especially those who could and chose not to.

But in the end, I came to a similar conclusion to you. It’s not really about what method of feeding. It’s about wrapping you and your baby up in that moment and breathing it in and etching it your mind and feeling like one for just.a.little.longer. That sacred time is so short. I’m so glad you’ve soaked it up like you have.

Casey Reply:
June 10th, 2011 at 11:26 pm

@Bridget, yeah. what you said.

That was truly beautiful.

I have to admit I have completely taken those moments nursing for granted and spend them often on my phone, but after reading this post I look forward to the next time I feed her and appreciating the fleeting moments I have with her curled up like that and I really have to thank you for that.

Casey Reply:
June 10th, 2011 at 11:27 pm

@Marta, no problem, just doing my boob feeding duty.

THANK YOU… thank you for allowing us into this perfect moment/emotion. And thank you for the reminder. Great post and AMAZING pics!!!

So glad you are not totally destitute that things haven’t worked perfectly for you. I’ve found life generally works that way, but there is reason for it, though it’s up to you to decide what that is. So yes maybe it’s for you to appreciate your little one and the time you did have BFing and the bond it allowed you to grow. Happy you have found a positive spin on it!

I had trouble BFing from the beginning and it just didn’t happen for us the way I wanted to, I spent plenty of time feeling guilty about it, wondering how I had messed with my kid’s future- the beginning of mommy guilt. Joy! But we still found a way to be together and I was still the only one that could really get my little man completely calmed down and 9 years later I still feel very close to my now young man.

I guess my point is, as parents we do the best we can for our kids but it doesn’t always work out the way we wanted or how we planned. Our ability to adapt and meet their needs and our own are what count. That you make it known in every way possible that you love and support them through every thing and will always be there for them no matter what.

Keep up your positive outlook!

“I’m becoming aware that perhaps certain things are supposed to be more difficult for me so that I forced to appreciate them more when and if they do happen for me.”

Oh, my. Yes. Excellent lesson for ALL of us (thank you for this). This whole post is beautiful. <3

i feel so fortunate that i was able to push through MY difficulties with 2 of my 3 babies … and have an end result of oh-my-god-i-have-been-nursing-or-pregnant-FOREVER. but … i had a friend that had so.many.difficulties. and i have another mama (i do newborn photography) right now … that is having difficulties with twins and nursing.
and what i have said to them (and to anyone else that i come across) … is this … the most important thing is the love that the baby feels. and you have to figure out what will work best for you … so that you can feed your baby love.
you are such an amazing mama. i feel so privilaged to read your beautiful words.

Casey Reply:
June 10th, 2011 at 11:28 pm

@jen, ah! feed your baby love, I love that.

You take a simple (though life-giving) act between mother and baby and wrap it in magnificence…. your heart, your love for Vivi is a treasure. She is blessed beyond measure to have a mother who relishes each flutter of those baby fine eyelashes, those small squeezes of fingers…. much love to you….

Very tender and touching.

I firmly believe that the bond you form with your child comes from enjoying caring for them, regardless of how you feed them. Taking the time to sit and breast or bottle feed and caress their skin and look into their eyes. That’s how the magic happens.

Beautiful post. I am still nursing my 17 month old and cherish those moments we have together. There’s nothing sweeter than watching your babe nurse, seeing their eyes roll back in their head from satisfaction while their tiny little fist clutches your shirt. Precious moments.

Amazing.

This opened my eyes to a brighter side of that struggling, in-between breast/bottle relationship that I knew so well with both of my boys. Really… in this light, it seems less of a failure, and more of a blessing. So thank you for sharing this.

Beautiful post. I’m floating around in new baby land as well, soaking it all in. This is the good stuff.

I never BF’d either of my boys. Never wanted to.

BUT, I *did* read Penelope Leach’s book and one of the things she said to do if you bottle-feed is “treat the bottle like the breast,” so that’s what I did.

Neither one of my kids held their own bottles – ever. I (or my husband) held them and fed them and cuddled and burped them. When their natural curiosity to get down and explore overrode their need to sit on our laps and eat, they naturally weaned themselves to a cup, because if they wanted a bottle, they had to sit in our laps.

I hardly ever give assvice to new moms (mine are 17 and 13 now) but that’s one thing I will tell them – treat the bottle like the breast. And thank you, Dr. Leach.

eddie went from bottle to sippy without ever just holding his bottle.

i LOVED to feed him. really. each time. I never understood the moms who willingly gave their baby away to be fed.

I struggled so much to bond with Eddie…but those feedings? they worked for us.

Beautifully said. Just beautiful.

Jen

As usual, beautifully written girl!!! Just stunningly perfect. Nursing my babies is the most treasured time of my life. I don’t think life can get anymore beautiful than feeding your baby (bottle or breast) and having them contentedly fall asleep in your arms. You are all they need, all they want. It just can’t get better.

This had me in tears!! What movie words. Your cuddles are bonding her to your heart. These times cannot be replaced. You are such an amazing mother with so much love for her!

Memorializing our children as we breastfeed – yes! You captured what it’s like for me 1000%. I’m still extended-breastfeeding Baby Dude, he’ll be 3 in September. Though it’s only really at night, putting him to sleep at the breast, running my fingers through his toddler hair, seeing his eyes drift off lazily into dreamland, it’s a feeling I know well and cherish each and every time <3

So much love. For you, for her, for this.

What a beautiful post. In felt exactly the same way about feeding my son. It was our time together that was so special. My son is now ten-years-old. I would be lying if I told you that I never missed being able to scoop him up and hold him in my arms. Sigh.

Amen momma. So beautifully said. No matter where their food supply comes, it matters that the food their given comes from loving hands.
They thrive no matter what.

This is EXACTLY it. The few precious weeks when I nursed Audrey and it WORKED? It was amazing. The rest of the time may have been a mess (first weeks and then the last 2 months) but the middle part was great enough to make it all worth it. I was finally able to just RELAX about it all and enjoy having her close. Then when we started having issues again, it was heartbreaking because I wanted that feeling back. Eventually, when I was faced with it ending at 4/5 months and started feeding her with a bottle, I realized: that feeling was BACK. We were snuggling and relaxed and happy together again- whether it was my boob or a bottle, it didn’t matter. I was holding her and taking a moment to just BE HER MOTHER. (Because aside from ALL THE BOOBAGE of the first months, when you add an older sibling in there, it can be hard to Just Be and focus, you know??)

You are amazing. Vivi is a lucky lucky baby. xoxo

Just beautiful.
Thank you for focusing on the wonderment of it all. We are truly blessed to be able to give our babies life and sustenance. They are life’s best treasure.

I know when I look down at E, I too am memorizing chubby cheeks and that cute little nose.

Hugs.

Your post boils mothering (and fathering, for that matter when Dad feeds baby) down to what is truly important and I love it. The TIME you spend with your child, snuggling and feeding and rocking….THAT is the truest expression of love and comfort that any child can experience and that any parent can give their child. Beautiful post.

Just soak it in however you can. There are no rules to that, I had the same issues with my second. My little baby is nearly 6 and I don’t know how it happened. I am so happy for your sweet family to have two insanely perfect and wonderful baby girls.

I nursed Sierra & lexie for two years, Chelsea for three & am still nursing Noah at 19 months. I never thought I would ever nurse as long as I did with the girls. Sierra was 4lbs and difficult to nurse, but I didn’t give up and am grateful for the strength & patience I cultivated in enduring it. Noah was harder…believe it or not. He favored the left breast and was a lazy nurser. Thank goodness we all persevered & the result…a bond that can never be broken. I’m grateful for that bonding time that I had with all of them, and to really observe them as babies. With each kid, it’s always different.
I’m glad you are hanging in there with VIVI.

Love this. I will say that my 15 mo old loves to hold his bottle on his own now – so dont assume its the mom propping the bottle – he takes his bottle from me and wants to waltz around our house half the time, although we still manage a few moments to cuddle before a nap or bedtime with his bottle (since I was unable to nurse) – those moments are still so special.

Having three kids in five years, I didn’t have the time to truly enjoy every moment.

Enjoy her. Love her. So so so sweet.

This is perfect. Truly. And explains my sentiments about why breastfeeding was so important to me. Like you, PCOS robbed me of an abundant milk supply, so there was always a struggle. But there was something about the act of nursing, of providing his nourishment with a bottle, that made it just us and was exactly what I needed.

Did you realize that you were growing up? I realized it when I found I didn’t care about so many petty things and I just cared about holding my baby whenever she needed held, because why not? I stopped judgments. I stopped being bitter. I realized what was actually important and I realized I was finally an adult. I just read it here, in your post.

Vivi is beautiful. As are you and like you, breastfeeding was less about milk or mommy wars and more about doing the one thing that gave my baby the most, the easiest and deepest comfort.

Absolutely beautiful!!!

This is a beautiful post Casey. How very true that a baby can still be held and cuddled, even in the nursing position and have a bottle. You still get the closeness, the looking, the relaxation to both your bodies. You still share the love and the special time that can seem like eternity when you are in it but is actually fleeting as the wind.

Beautiful. Your honesty and way with words is amazing

You have to stop making me cry like this! I have been struggling with weaning and well, now I want to nurse her until she’s 20. I am sure she won’t mind.

Ohlord I’m crying at the coffee shop. AGAIN.

I love how you appreciate her and as someone who also struggled so much with the breast milk, I love how you capture this time.

With my first, I had PPD. I didn’t want much to do with anyone, let alone a daughter who had colic. But, I still, deep down, cherished the moments when she’d wake up in the middle of the night, and I would be the only one who could comfort her.
With my son, I knew to cherish those moments even more since my milk supply just couldn’t keep up with him. I enjoyed so much more of him, I think, because of the problems I had with my first.

I only breast fed my son for 8 weeks and even when we switched to bottles he still never held his own bottle (I stayed home with him). With my daughter, I had to go back to work after 12 weeks and one day I picked her up at daycare and she was holding her own bottle – it made me so sad.

This…so beautiful, as are you and that precious babe of yours.

Also, I will remember the parcel soon-you know before she doesn’t need a blankie anymore.

I follow you on Twitter but haven’t stopped by your blog till this post. I’m breastfeeding too and this reminded me of why I enjoy it so much even though it can be stressful. Thank you for the reminder.

I love you so very hard.

Even when you make me ugly cry.

So beautifully said.

Breastfeeding we difficult for me. Difficult in a PAINFUL way… even though I seemed to make enough milk, and had happy little babies who could latch like pros. OUCH OUCH OUCH. Still… I stuck it out and enjoyed what I could. It did get easier for me as the weeks went on. But, man, ouch. I can still feel the pain when I think of it.

“Feeding Vivi has become in intimate act no matter how the food is delivered, a time to focus wholly on each other.”

Exactly. Feeding my Widget was a struggle and a half, and he got finger-fed and drip-fed as well as nursed and bottle-fed for weeks before it worked for him. Ugh. But we always did it together.

Good for you, babe. Loving Vivi is the most important part, and it’s clear that you do.

This is beautiful
It has not been easy for you.
I am a firm believer that the intimacy involved in breastfeeding (aka the nursing piece) is more important than the actual nutritional impact of the milk. This can be done just as easily with a bottle of formula.
What you are doing is perfect.
You are a great mama

this is just exquisite casey. a very beautiful tribute and poignant reminder to us all. thank you for this.

I love this post. Breastfeeding has come beautifully and naturally for me and both my boys and I’ve always been so grateful for that. I had two hard pregnancies, and in the end two cesarians. It has always hurt my heart that I wasn’t able to deliver naturally. I’ve cried many tears over that. So for me, when everything else was such a struggle…a struggle to keep my babies in long enough and then a struggle to get them out safely, I always felt like God let me have nursing to heal my heart and heal my babies.
Casey you’re a beautiful writer and an even more beautiful mother.

That last photo is beautiful! This post is beautiful!

And you are so so right.

I couldn’t agree more! Beautiful post!

I agree with you, babies should never have a bottle propped up in front of them. Not only is it depriving them of the bonding that babies so desparately need, but it is also dangerous.

I tried so hard to breastfeed my two boys. With my first, I made it to 11 weeks. However, when I stopped it was done. No drying up period at all. This tells me that he probably wasn’t getting anything from me and it was the right decision.

I made it to 5 weeks with my second. But when I stopped this time, it took me 3 weeks to dry-up. Realized too late that he wasn’t into nursing because of really, really bad reflux that went undiagnosed for another 4 weeks. That decision to stop is still eating me up inside and he just turned 3!

You have two beautiful girls, who probably only care that their mama cares so much about them and not where their food is coming from. Keep up the good work!

So many comments already. It wasn’t until my 4th child that I was ready to really devote myself to breastfeeding. I’m so glad I did though. With my sixth child we unintentionally weaned sooner than I was ready for. It worked out for us because of other factors, but my heart still hurts a little that I didn’t get to do it as long as I hoped to. I’m so glad you are able to treasure what you have.

Just beautiful. Breastfeeding is such an amazing bonding experience even if it’s not perfect. There is absolutely nothing like it.

I passed a woman holding her teeny, tiny, brand new baby, giving him a bottle while walking through the mall last week. I thought, really?, you can’t sit down for just a few minutes while he’s this little?

I know it’s hard to slow down, but it’s so, so important.

I hope things continue improving for you all.

Thank you for resolving the nursing battle by focusing on the really important part. Gorgeous!

I do not have children but am very interested in hearing about other mothers experiences with breast feeding and bottle feeding. You have put this gorgeously. Thank you.

I had a rule when feeding Elise (I pumped then bottle fed, fyi, but I still did most of the feedings): no TV, computer or phone calls! It was so wonderful and peaceful to concentrate on her — just her. I’m looking forward to implementing the same rule with babe #2, no matter how he gets fed.

Thanks for sharing your story. You’re right — what matters is the love.

This post was amazing. I found your blog because I too am an infertility in Indy, and I will stay because of the first post I read. So poignant and beautiful, and oh so true. I have shared an amazing breastfeeding relationship with my bug and feel like a better person and mother due to it.

As I have just found you and not yet looked through more posts, I just wanted to say if you are interested on supplementing with BM instead of formula (if you don’t already) check out eats on feets and human milk for human babies on Facebook. It provides a forum for mothers with extra milk to hook up with mothers in need.
Beautiful.

These pictures are absolutely beautiful. What does your tattoo mean?

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