So. Yeah. Remember how I was all “Things are getting kind of bad.” and you were all “I hope things get better!” and I was all “Thank you! This too shall pass!”
Things didn’t get worse, but they didn’t get better. It’s still just bubbling, right under the surface.
I told my Ami about it and she wrote me this email back, and now I’m going to share it with you.
Because it applies to you (some of it at least.)
And we’re all just doing the best we can.
1- You are stronger than anything broken inside of you. I know this to be true with every fiber of my being. You don’t see how strong you are, but I can see your strength shining in you.
2- You have done absolutely nothing to deserve depression. You haven’t taken anything for granted, you haven’t offended God, you haven’t been a bad person. You just have it for no reason I understand, and I plan to ask Heavenly Father about it at my “exit interview.”
3- If this is, in fact, a depression episode and not just a blip on the screen, then eventually everything will wind up being okay. You are strong enough to get help. You are brave enough to push forward, even when it feels like you are merely standing in place. And you are incredibly and absolutely loved.
4- You are not alone. I know when everything is at its worst you feel alone. But you aren’t. You have people, right here in Indiana, who will catch you if you fall. You have loving people who will gladly circle about you and hold you. If things start to collapse around you, there is an entire Casey team ready to help put the pieces together again.
5- Your depression will not permanently scar your children. I know you worry about this. But you need to remember that every single parent who brings a child into this world is a broken human being with great faults. Right now you are looking at other mothers and comparing their shiny outsides with your dark inside. Just remember, we are all broken, just maybe where you can’t see it.
Additionally, you are demonstrating to your beautiful daughters that it is okay to not be perfect. Women, Mormon women in particular, have a hard time with this concept. We all want to run the perfect home, be the perfect parent and perfect wife, doing a perfect job. You are proving to your babies that this is a myth and furthermore that it is okay to be less than perfect. You are also demonstrating that recognizing our imperfections does not mean we just succumb to our weaknesses, it means we press forward, relying on Christ to pick up our slack.
6- If this is a worst case scenario, don’t be scared. We can put together a plan that will keep you safe and your children happy.
7- I love you.
Remember these things.
Ami (and by association, me.)
(Ami has a blog…it’s really good. You should read it. If you’re local you should totally be friends with her.)