moosh in indy.

the one about me not being able to breastfeed.

August 2, 2011

“Invented in the mid-1800′s as a last-ditch option for orphans and underweight babies, packaged infant formula has since been perfected to be a complete and reliable source of stress and shame for mothers.” -Tina Fey, Bossypants

I do not produce breastmilk.

I figured I’d better come clean on this whole subject since some of you may see Vivi drinking formula out of bottles in a few days.

Ironically this is World Breastfeeding Week.

Chances are there are other women like me out there who see all of this PRO BREASTFEEDING! and GO TEAM MILK BOOBS! talk and feel a rock in their stomach like I do.

The assumption of a bottle feeding mother is hardly ever a good one. Generally the assumption that tops the list is that she gave up. Or that she’s selfish. Or lazy.

I can assure you that bottle feeding does not a lazy/selfish life enable. I have to be twice as prepared when I leave the house because I do not make milk on demand.

Did I give up? Sure, I guess you could call it that if you want to. But I gave up knowing that for eight weeks I did anything and EVERYTHING I could to promote milk production. Vivi had a latch and patience breastfeeding mothers dream of.

I wanted this to work so bad you guys.

I wanted to breastfeed Vivi exclusively just as badly as I wanted to be pregnant.

But my body…it didn’t oblige.

Many bodies out there don’t produce what comes naturally to so many others. Some bodies don’t produce enough tears, some bodies don’t produce enough insulin, some bodies don’t produce enough estrogen, some bodies don’t produce sweat, some bodies don’t produce sperm and some bodies don’t produce babies.

Just because someone has all the parts doesn’t mean they all work in harmony (or at all.)

But a body that doesn’t produce breastmilk is the only one that is judged both openly and silently on a fairly regular basis.

Can you imagine someone who suffers from dry eye syndrome being accosted for putting eye drops in their eyes? “Those have chemicals in them! THEY ARE UNNATURAL! What, are you so selfish that you can’t bother to cry your own tears? Your eyes are going to be damaged, don’t you care?”

(I realize the ratio of people who think this way is 1:100, but that one. They are loud.)

I stuck with it. Eight weeks day and night. I did outrageous things for outrageous lengths of time at outrageous hours. People would say “I don’t know how you’re doing it.” I would respond “I can’t not, I’ll know when it’s time to be done and now isn’t the time.”

One morning I looked at a tiny baby Vivi and I said “Baby, I don’t make enough what you need. I’m sorry. I did my best.” She gave me a gummy little smile and I knew it would be okay.

That day I didn’t take fenugreek, domperidone, goat’s rue, More Milk Plus, drink my tea, wear an SNS or pump.

I never made another drop of milk.

There was no tapering. No drying up.

There was nothing. No evidence that I had ever even tried aside from the breastfeeding paraphernalia at the side of my bed.

I was never able to satiate her with breastmilk. Not even once. Not even after spending a week straight in bed doing nothing but everything I was supposed to be doing. I never leaked. I never let down. I never engorged. I never pumped more than an ounce. Combined. All day.

Those first eight weeks went so fast.

Every moment was spent trying to make more milk. Every time I nursed her I would think “This has to be it, this has to be the time I’m able to fill her up.”

That time never came.

These last four weeks have been spent settling into our new routine and mourning the loss of breastfeeding.

Vivi is easily the most loved baby to ever exist. We crowd around her daily, fighting over who loves her more. She fits into our family so perfectly. Her little spirit is exactly what we never knew we were missing. Will I ever not feel a tinge of jealously when I see another mom breastfeeding? Maybe. Maybe not.

My boobs don’t work. But my heart does.

And it belongs to this little girl and her big sister. (And the guy who helped me make them for a few glorious seconds.)

No related posts.

Comments off.

You are a champion, lion-hearted mother, you know that?

Your boobs could feed her for two years tops, your heart will feed her forever.
You did, are doing, everything exactly as she needs.

Rachael Reply:
August 4th, 2011 at 3:07 am

@Joules, Joules, what a perfect way to say it. I am in the no-milk-producing-boobs club too. After reading a post about it, my husband hugged me because he understood that like Casey said, you grieve the loss of that particular bond/relationship. But it doesn’t mean anything in the long run – I am SO close with both my sons.

Joules Reply:
August 7th, 2011 at 4:32 am

@Rachael,
Hear, hear! So glad for you to share that, maybe it can ease the psyche of some other mama:)

I attempted with the same result as you… gave it my all for 8 weeks, too. Maybe it was because my son came too early, maybe because there was stress related to the NICU experience, maybe because we were separated for the first few days, maybe because of stupid PCOS. Thank you for posting this! This is exactly what I needed to read on the topic. We can’t all be good at everything, right? Copious amounts of love and mothers’ instincts are all they need.

There is no blame or shame in knowing when to stop hitting your head against a stone wall. You rock.

oh my gosh! your story sounds identical to mine, only i had double mastitis twice along with all the other problems..i felt like such a failure so i know what you went through but don’t let anyone tell you you’re not a good mother..only you know the truth.that’s what i found out through my situation

I don’t think you should feel bad at all. You gave it your all, going above and beyond. I think I am finally at peace with not producing enough milk. Why beat ourselves up so much?

you rock! and so do your boobs even if they decided not to make milk.

Casey, don’t let others make you feel lesser. The most important thing to a child is that they are loved and cared for and this you do magnificently. You haven’t failed, it really is just one of those things and it has happened to all sorts of women through the ages and will do so again.

You love you daughter with all you heart, she will always have all she needs.

Lynn

I breast fed for 5 days – I didn’t fail

My breasts created milk – oh so much milk they were large and engorged and PAINFULL – oh my how they hurt my nipples just didn’t want to give it up! My son nursed and nursed and nursed until my areola cracked and bled, He nursed for 12 hours straight and still couldn’t get satisfied until the 6th morning when I broke and sat nursing my son while huge fat tears landed on his head my Dad was around and had enough – he cycled for miles to find a shop that sold formula and I’ve never looked back. I fed him and we both slept for 15 hours straight.

I didn’t fail just as you haven’t “Giving up” is not failure – giving up is just excepting that some things are not to be, Failure – that would be not trying at all!

You did NOT fail. You made the best choice available for you and Vivi, really for your whole family. Women can be our own worst memories. Here you are, ready to take your daughter on a big conference trip, to a place full of women. Rather than anticipating support you seem to know the mommy judging… It’s a-coming. Whether it’s breastfeeding or any other parenting decision, I wish we could stop apologizing/ judging. Vivi is obviously well loved and cared for and your pride shows through every picture. I look for that when I see a parent with a baby.

I hope that you have a wonderful trip!

You, my dear, get the golden boob award. I know people who gave up after two days, some who couldn’t be bothered to try. You? You must be exhausted from all that work! You are made of pure awesome, and if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, send them my way. <3

You are courageous, strong and and an unbelievable mother for the effort you gave the and for the ability to know when to stop. Writing about it could not be easy and I am in awe of your pure ability to tell us how it is. Love is all she needs…her food source is irrelevant and you did great maama!

I admire you. I was not able to nurse. There is an acidic content to my milk that actually makes my children sick. So not matter how much I had wanted to it was in thier best health. I too have had people look down on me for not breastfeeding…If they only knew!
Again I admire you!

This is exactly the story I had with my two babies! I tried and tried, with the supplements, the feedings, the no-sleep-ever, the pumping, the SNS…I tried. I really did. The first time, I tried for 8 weeks. The second time, at the three week mark, I started feeling resentment when my son woke up hungry, and I hadn’t been to sleep yet (what with the pumping, etc.)…so it was time to quit. Breastfeeding IS best, sure – but it’s not the only way. More acceptance for mothers of all kinds would make our world a much nicer place.

you are a warrior.

there you go again shoveling out grace and peace to mamas everywhere by the bucketful. may it be returned to ten fold my sista.

You are a rock star for trying as hard as you did. Truly. Not that even trying that hard is what MAKES a good mother. You can be a perfectly awesome mom without ever even attempting to latch. Clearly formula isnt working since Vivi is so undernourished…lmao. She looks amazingly chunky and healthy and THAT is what matters in all this. Breast or bottle if your baby thrives you are doing it right.

Casey, I am sitting here at my computer crying. Only I’m not crying FOR you. I’m crying WITH you. I hope you know that Vivi will NEVER love you less because of this. NEVER.

I could not breastfeed my first son for so many reasons. I won’t go into them but rest assured many women don’t have those easy breezy breastfeeding stories to share. My stories involve blood sweat and tears with both my boys.

Both my sons had mostly formula and BOY do they love me

Your words resonate with me. I stopped breastfeeding my first son almost 3 years ago. And your words still bring back that pain. That sting that I felt every time I saw a nursing mother. But the envy and sadness did fade.

You did SO great for 8 weeks! That’s amazing and you should be very proud of yourself.

It’s amazing how tied up our hearts can get when the person at the other end of the cafeteria line is ours. I know it’s impossible to avoid (those jerk people) forever but Vivi is completely wholly wrapped in love and you’ve done your very best. Peace.

You know what I think truly sucks? The fact that you HAVE to try.

No matter how much it doesn’t work out, no matter if your hubby is in the Navy with Kid #1 so you are left alone with an infant on the other side of the country or if your hubby is in a completely different state and you are now left alone with Kid #1 plus one more–it doesn’t matter.

Hey–it doesn’t matter! I pumped intermittently with Kid #1 for a total of 6 weeks. I was in tears even trying to breastfeed. I felt guilty so I kept trying to pump.

Kid #2? Same thing. These boobs apparently weren’t made for breastfeeding. Being alone? Does not a happy breastfeeding experience make.

Why do we insist on beating ourselves up about it? Sure, there’s women out there who breastfeed for two years but there are women who breastfeed for two years and then feed their kid fast food for the next 16 years of their life.

I didn’t breastfeed, but my kids’ nutrition is very important to us–and I think that has to count for something.

Breastfeeding isn’t the be-all, end-all symbol of the perfect mother. There’s many more years involved than just those baby ones.

I wish we would all stop pretending that it is and quit feeling so guilty when it doesn’t work out like we’d planned. Or maybe that’s just me.

ami Reply:
August 2nd, 2011 at 11:52 am

@Jessica Nunemaker from little Indiana, I so agree. Sure, breastfeeding is nutritiously better for babies. But when did we decide that the nutritional boost is more important that a mother’s self esteem, sanity, or ability to take care of ALL her family and NOT just the nutritional needs of a small infant.
I tried with my first born. Did I try as hard as Casey? No. Way. But I did try and it didn’t work out. I refuse to apologize for under utilizing my nipples ever again. Nor will I ever consider myself less than the good mom that I am.

Jessica Nunemaker from little Indiana Reply:
August 3rd, 2011 at 3:22 pm

@ami,

LOL @ “under utilizing my nipple.”

I think we get so stuck on the breastfeeding issue, that we neglect the more important issue–mom’s mental and emotional health!

I mean, cracked nipples? Um, ouch! Is it REALLY worth your pain? For what? To avoid “the look” from the militant breastfeeders?

To me? Not so much.

Jenny Reply:
August 2nd, 2011 at 9:59 pm

@Jessica Nunemaker from little Indiana, Great response!

Jessica Nunemaker from little Indiana Reply:
August 3rd, 2011 at 3:22 pm

@Jenny,

Thank you!

So glad you made the decision that was right for you. And obviously it was the right decision. It matters that you’re both happy and healthy and continuing to nurse any longer doesn’t sound like it would have been furthering that goal.

I wish the judgment would go away. It’s so ridiculous. and inappropriate. and just, RUDE. Do people not understand how rude it is to question or judge another parent’s decision to feed their child? Why do they think the “how” in that equation gives them the right to judge and shame EITHER WAY?

Nurse in public with or without a cover, feed formula from hour one FOR WHATEVER REASON… It shouldn’t matter. Just feed your baby.

Sorry. End of rant. Can’t wait to meet you and the bebop and her freshly shaken formula bottle.

Count me in as a member of the “my boobies forgot their job club”. It sucks, but our kids get our love forever that’s what is really important.

You are a rock star for trying so hard!

Just have to chime in here and agree that there is no shame in your story. I too tried each time, but did not produce enough milk for my three children. My husband and I had agreed that based on experience baby #3 would go straight to bottle. Well something in me held out hope that this time would be different. It took four weeks for baby #3 to regain his birth weight. (Tried the support group, supplements, sns, pumping after every fedding, and on and on.) The only time he gained weight was when I supplemented. Again, there is absolutely no shame in making sure your baby thrives – whether by breast or bottle!

Even if you just gave her a tiny bit of milk over those 8 weeks, that is still something beneficial for her.

I breastfed my son and had to supplement every feeding with formula because I didn’t produce enough and I stopped at 8 weeks too. One time a woman asked me about not breastfeeding and after explaining my situation she said “well, you’ll have to try harder next time.” What a way to be supportive…

All you had to do was try. And you BEYOND tried. Breastfeeding was the hardest thing I ever did and it was hard all three times. I cried for hours over it. My first son got formula too and he’s the biggest of all my 3. I sometimes wonder if I wasn’t so stubborn about only giving breast milk to my others would they be bigger, smarter? Nope, I don’t doubt for a second that that little girl has a good thing going.

My mom didn’t even try to breastfeed me, or my brothers, and she was and is the best mom EVAH. I am super proud of how much heart and effort you put into this, and you should be too. Hold your head, and your boobs, very HIGH!

I will never look at a formula feeding mom the same way … thank you! You are brave and wonderful.

Crying at work is never cute. Sigh. That really sucks. Just simply it sucks that your body wouldn’t produce what you and Vivi so desperately wanted. But what doesn’t suck is what a BEYOND amazing mother you are. You tried, and you tried more, and you tried more than I even knew possible to make it work. Those smug women flashing their breasts at you when you pull out your bottle have no idea how hard you tried. And you shouldn’t care about them. You’re an amazing mom and you have two beautiful healthy daughters who will tell them so or at the very least maybe Vivi can have a blowout on them =)

This brought tears to my eyes because I totally can relate to the state of mourning that you feel. The difference is that I was an ignorant first time mom and you have done everything right…so I hate that you have to feel that saddness! I don’t know of too many people that would put the effort into it that you did so I applaude you! This alone shows that you are one amazing, selfless mom…and you have nothing to be ashamed of!

If I was there, I’d do a crazy cheer in your living room (with pom poms and everything) and tell you that you ARE a breastfeeding mother and that your story is powerful and women need to hear it. I would be so honored if you would consider submitting a 100 word story for a project I am working on. http://www.ambermccann.com/blog/100-words/

All of that about the rock-in-the-stomach, and the tea, and the accoutrements, and the eight weeks? Me too. It crushed me with my daughter. I tried again with my son, but it didn’t come as a surprise and wasn’t quite as devastating. And now they’re both just fine.

You’re a super mom. And you make mighty pretty babies.

Casey,
I’m a mom and a psychiatrist. I tried to breastfeed (though not nearly hard as you did) and it did not work. Women need to stop being so judgemental and be more supportive of each other. You do what is best for your baby and dont feel bad about it. This breastfeeding battle, is kind of like the mean girls in school, just mommy aged. Breast milk is best we know this, it is also best not to have to stress about and obsess about whether you will make that ounce of milk every minute of your day. You did your best- enjoy your precious baby!! and tell the mean girls to mind their own business

Jesica V. Reply:
August 3rd, 2011 at 10:07 am

YES! THANK YOU!

I still get a tweak in my heart when I see a mom lovingly nurse her baby. But for the most part, I’ve made peace with it.

I don’t usually post links to my own posts in comments, but I think this one really, really fits here. http://theiveyleague.com/2011/02/09/boob-free-bonding/

I had the same trouble 25 years ago when I was trying to nurse my daughter — except the only paraphernalia then was a manual breast pump.

You have done the right thing for Vivi and your body. You DID NOT fail.

As Biddy said earlier, anyone gives you a hard time about, send that idiot to me. I got your back, sister.

Your story is so similar to my own. I can emapthize with you so very much! Know that you did all you could and every drop of breastmilk you were able to give her was a blessing!!! As an FYI, I was diagnosed with IGT, and with preparation, was able to successful BF baby #2, and getting ready to do it again with baby #3, due in 7 weeks

My heart ached for you as I read this. You’re amazing. I don’t hear of too many moms who go to such lengths to try to breastfeed. I wish more moms would speak up like you have. It’s an important reminder to not judge others, no matter what. We are all doing our best and we all should be proud of ourselves for it. Big hugs to you & thank you for sharing this.

I’ve been there and done that twice. It was not fun. The judgments were not fun. Katie was breastfed once. That’s right, once. She’s is 2 1/2 years old and amazing.

Breastfeeding is important, but it’s not the end of all chances of success for a child. No matter what anyone tells you

I bet your boobs do way more than you think. The soft, familiar feel of mama.

You are amazing.

I am sorry for you, and also quite proud of you. I, too, am bottle feeding. I am still attempting to pump, but my supply seems maxed out at 6 ounces a day. I haven’t reached the point of stopping yet, but I needed this post to remember that it is ok if I do.
Vivi is healthy and happy and that is entirely a result of your parenting. Never forget that. You have produced perfection twice. If anyone thinks otherwise, it is a thought born out of envy, I promise you that.

The whole breastfeeding vs bottle feeding debate makes me so sad. We are all just trying to do the best we can do with what we have (or have not) been given. I feel incredibly blessed to have been able to breastfeed my daughter for 9 months. I would never judge another woman for not breastfeeding regardless of the reason. You are an incredible woman and mother and your girls are so very lucky.

Casey, you really are a rockstar. In my humble opinion, the only thing that matters is the love that you put in and you’ve got that in spades. Really can’t wait to meet you in a few short days!

This is exactly what I needed to hear. There are many of us out there that go through these same issues and are ashamed to say it. Thanks for saying what many of us do not have the courage to say.

Sometimes it just seriously does not work. It didn’t work for me the first time. I pumped mostly blood, with a little splash of breastmilk. I took the milk to my pediatrician and she said “No, don’t feed him that.” It hurt. I cried all the time. It sucked ASS. And I didn’t try nearly as hard as you did. So I stopped at 4 weeks. I didn’t feel a bit guilty about it (though I did feel a sense of loss, and I think it furthered my depression.) But with that baby, it was just NOT happening. I blamed it on a lot of things (mostly my cesarean) but who knows what it was.

With the next baby? I produced just fine. The boy never needed a drop of formula. And with the 3rd baby – Irony settled in to my house in the form of a massive oversupply (which sounds like a good problem to have, but it’s NOT because it actually hurts the baby.) Thankfully, that has begun to settle down.

So no – the boobs don’t always work like we want them to. They USUALLY do (with the right support), but not always, and there’s absolutely NOTHING to feel bad about. And it also doesn’t mean that they won’t always work right. Maybe your body will produce enough “tears” next time, just like mine did.

Either way – you’re an amazing mother for trying as hard as you did.

Beautiful, wise post. I’m a mom of twins and have spent the last 3 months striving to produce enough for even ONE baby. It’s confusing when you hear of that ‘one more thing’ that you haven’t tried yet and so defeating when it doesn’t work. But, it’s true. Our hearts DO work. And through all this we can draw closer to each other as women. And we can only hope that jealousy and judgement do not corrode away at us. Thank you for this honest and helpful post.

Do I understand a lot of what you went through! This is my story as well. My girls are almost 7 and 4 and my heart still sinks when my friends talk about breastfeeding or when I remember those very hard first weeks. The syringe and tubes bring me back! YOU did your very best. Rest in that.

My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your story. Hopefully it will help another struggling momma know she isn’t alone and open some eyes that not everyone one who doesn’t breastfeed has made that choice.

I’m a mom & a psychologist (who has researched postpartum depression). Your story is so familiar to me as I could not produce for my first daughter. As i continually tried to nurse & pump, I felt myself being dragged down with depression over being a “failure” as a mother. I then felt shame over buying formula. I couldn’t win! I didn’t follow the mantra I told my patients, the best thing for baby is a happy, healthy mama. And you know what? My formula fed babe is a smart, beautiful, and healthy child. We need to give ourselves a break! I was a formula fed child & I have a PhD & have led a happy, healthy life. We just need reminders now & then that there is much more to parenting than how we feed our children for the first year of life. Hugs to you & your beautiful child!

Thank you for this post. It is exactly what I needed to hear today as I am struggling with the need to supplement my little guy. My heart hurts, but apparently my boobs don’t work well either ;-P

I LOATHE the judginess that comes with breastfeeding. You are amazing. (and, frankly, so is formula.) : )

Thank you for sharing this. I went through the exact same thing with my daughter (including the tube feeding) and cannot believe the guilt, shame and pain I was made to feel by those judged me for not breastfeeding. I will be sharing this post as it is SO important it deserves to be read.

Don’t sweat it honey, my boobs didn’t work either and I have 3 healthy grown teenagers.

hey woman, came over linked from kellymom.com. You are a total rockstar! I can honestly say I would have given up after perhaps 2 weeks of what you did, and I’m a big bf-ing supporter. Those first weeks are tough enough without adding anything else to your plate. The gift you gave to your daughter is priceless, and just a small indicator of what a fantastic mama you are. I’m sure everyone has said it all, but it bears repeating: breastfeeding and these early years are just a blink of an eye in the big scheme of your relationship with your baby girl. Kudos for giving it 200%, and for following your heart with when to stop. Gosh I hope you don’t really hear from judgy people, but remember the old cliche: Those who mind don’t matter, those who matter don’t mind. Rock on!

Awe! Thanks for this!!! I went through the exact same thing:( everytime I try to explain it to people that I never had milk (and that the teeny bit I had never went away) they don’t get it. I was never engorged, had a let down or had anything to dry up….I gave my best but had nothing to give. My little guy is a thriving 13mo now and while I envy moms who did or still do Bf and feel a little tug on my heart thinking about it….Happy/healthy baby, happy mama, right?:)

God, I hear you. I wasn’t so hung up on the “exclusive” breastfeeding part. I knew I wouldn’t be able to fill up her up with my paltry supply & I never tried to. I took all the supplements and figured that as long as she got *some* breastmilk, we were doing ok.

For a lot of different reasons, last week I stopped taking the pills. And my milk dried up like the freaking Sahara desert.

I’m sad it didn’t work out, because formula is a pain in the butt (and expensive!). But like you, I also have one pretty kick-ass kid who I raised on formula, so I know we’ll be ok. You will be too. xoxo

Way to go! You tried longer and harder than most people who have it easier than you!

Hope to see you at Blogher.

I think the reason for nursing is a lot less about nutrition than it is about maintaining and building on that connection you shared for 9 months. I do understand the guilt swirling around it because I am going through that myself – but my intelligent self (what litlte is hanging in there post-partum) says Mission accomplished!

Reading the comments here is almost like therapy for me, too. It’s nice to hear people recognize that you did your best, everything you could for as long as you could, you know? Solidarity, sister. Love you.

My 2nd baby got very stick at just 10 days old, I tried to keep my milk supply up for the month while she was hospitalized, but upon coming home she just wanted to pacify herself with it. I didn’t mind one bit, except obviously she wasn’t taking in enough. I was engorged leaking etc so i had some milk, but it just wasn’t working out so at 4 months old we went strictly to formula. And i still get jealous of those breastfeeding. and while bottle feeding my babe i feel the need to tell onlookers my life story and reasoning for it. i probably feel guilty for not trying even half as hard as you. you’re amazing and should rest assured you did ALL you could and more.

Oh my WORD, you did NOT fail!! You gave it your very best effort and only YOU can determine what defines “best.” Those lactivists have NO FREAKING IDEA HOW LUCKY they are that breastfeeding worked for them. So we can’t blame them for being judgy, right? They are completely clueless as to how DIFFICULT, and sometimes impossible, it is for many women to make it work.

You’re story sounds a little like mine. When I went off all of the galactagogues and domperidone I just stopped producing.

There was no evidence except all that breastfeeding equipment all over my house. But no milk.

My body doesn’t work either; but like you, my heart does.

You realize that you are my idol, right? And that you are a kick-ass mama. Not because you tried so hard to breastfeed, but because you ARE A GREAT MAMA. Boobs have nothing to do with good parenting. Your heart does. And your heart is big, strong, and fully functional.

No one should ever judge you for how you feed your baby!! I am a HUGE breastfeeding supporter and successfully bfed my 4 children for as long as I wanted to ( still nursing my 14 month old). But every family, every baby, every situation is different!! You give your baby the best you can every minute of every day! Sometimes that includes breeding, sometimes it does not. It does not make you less of a mom. To have tried so hard is amazing to me, you are a great mom, do not EVER let anyone make you feel differently!

This was REALLY beautiful!

I am sitting at my desk at work reading this, with tears streaming down my face. Because this was my story, basically. And I thought I had come to terms with the fact that I tried to breastfeed, but couldn’t. Just last week, I saw a link on a blog to little cards that said “thank you for breastfeeding” that someone could give to a breastfeeding mom. And it hit me like a ton of bricks…like it was criticizing me because I couldn’t. The only time I came close to PPD was the time when I was reading everything I could about increasing supply, and was being bombarded with messages implying that I was a bad mother if I quit.

Hugs to you.

This is beautiful. I hope you only feel encouraged from here on out with your girls, regardless of the issue. You deserve every blessing, and you are an amazing mother. Thank you for being honest with all of us – the good, bad and ugly. You are so encouraging (especially to me – as a mother of 3, 2 of which had milk allergies and so breastfeeding never worked for me either).

I always hated that part. The part where you tell someone, no I literally do not make milk. I am literally not capable. And then they say, but you didn’t try this or this or that or or or. It was never enough for some people.

Yet it was for me. I tried, I failed, I moved on. I have three of the most amazing kids on the planet. We are very much bonded. They were all three formula fed. Hell then, I didn’t know why. Now I know. But it doesn’t change anything.

I think you are amazing for trying as hard and long as you did.

I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you and Vivi – that whole feeding thing. But who I REALLY feel sorry for is HIM – “for a few glorious seconds.” – Geez. Just throw the guy under the bus!

[...] Hale over at My Postpartum Voice, & a couple shared by James & Jax on her Facebook page by Mooshinindy & Our Crazy Corner of the [...]

My respect, love and awe for you bring me to tears.

xoxoxo

Nothing to say other than: I know. xoxo

My baby started with tube feeding. (She was a preemie.) Then we mostly did bottle feeding, because we had to add extra calories to my breast milk, and that is really hard to do when it’s still in the boob.

I pumped exclusively for seven months.

But she wasn’t digesting it properly. For seven months I made my baby have awful diarrhea. (And a terrible diaper rash to go along with it.)

All because I felt guilty about giving her formula. I finally gave her the formula that she needed and we BOTH feel a lot better about the world. Sometimes breast milk is NOT best, and that should be okay.

Oh honey boo. I’m sorry it didn’t work out as you hoped, but gosh darn, you gave it your all. Your whole heart.

If I could share my magical milk making boobies, I totally would.

XOXOXO

Kudo’s to you for saying all of this. My DD is nearly 8, and I struggled with this same issue, and really fought with the emotions that ensued for more than 5 years. It’s such a very “natural” thing that we all assume we’ll be able to do.

As an IBCLC, I was so glad you included this line right here: “These last four weeks have been spent settling into our new routine and mourning the loss of breastfeeding.”

I have worked with more than one mother who DID want to breastfeed and DID do everything within her power to make it work and it just didn’t. We need less judging and more honoring that mothers are doing their absolute best for their situation. And we need to respect that there is often a mourning period, a grieving process to go through. Judgment doesn’t help anyone get through the process.

Thank you for a fabulous post.

Knowing that you’ve done your very best and fought so hard is just further proof that you are an AWESOME momma!

I was sad to learn that my milk was making my daughter sick What saddens me more now is that I fought SO hard and long AGAINST switching to formula because of all the nasty comments and pro-BFing propaganda (yeah, I said it . I WANTED to breastfeed! But it just wasn’t fair to my daughter.

We are still bonded and still snuggle when she has her bottles – and the elimination of the stress and tears has allowed us to enjoy each other even more!

I totally feel for you and am proud of you for trying for so long. I had a bit of a tough go at first because my milk didn’t come in for 7 days. My milk supply was never great. The whole year I nursed, I also had to pumped twice a day to keep my supply up. You and that little one will be just fine. Keep your chin up and don’t feel the need to explain yourself to all the bottle haters out there.

I’m 2 months away from having my first. And while I don’t know the feelings associated with the breast feeding conundrum, I do experience guilt (is that the word I want?!) in other areas already. I don’t have the energy to workout, I have eaten 1 or 1000 too many cookies and not enough carrots. Whatever it may be, I think we are all doing the best we can with the equipment we have. I’m sure I’ll be looking back at your posts in a few short weeks to see what I’m missing on the breast feeding thing too! Thanks for sharing – if we all worked perfectly we wouldn’t be human, I guess. Doesn’t make it hurt any less though. Best wishes!

Oh, darling, so sorry it didn’t work out for you and Vivi. I know the ache of mourning the loss of something so important to you (in my case, it was having the birth I desired), and I hope you are finding peace.

It hurts me more than I can adequately say that someone out there is thinking that I don’t love my baby because I chose to formula feed. Just because I opted not to breastfeed doesn’t mean my babies are loved with every ounce that I have. I’ve seen you with Vivi and that baby is getting all the love (and nutrition) that a baby needs. She is lucky to have you and you are lucky to have her.

Jen Reply:
August 2nd, 2011 at 5:00 pm

@Jen, Ha! Spelling errors for the win. “Just because I opted not to breastfeed doesn’t mean my babies AREN’T loved with every ounce that I have”

Whoops! Point is; I love my wee ones.

Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about switching to formula, and don’t be hard on yourself either. You put more effort into feeding sweet Vivi than anyone I know. Think how wonderful it will be to be able to sit and just feed her without all the extra gear!

All that matters is that you love your girls and you have proven that you do, time and time again.

Why must you crack my hard exterior?

This happened with my first. I tried everything – made me a nutcase – but I wasn’t as smart as you. I dragged it out and that sucked even worse than the smell of formula diapers.

Second? Milk! Not QUITE enough, but MILK!

But your heart is making all the love she’ll ever need. That’s the really important part.
I hope to see you and the gorgeous little one at BlogHer!

This was sent over by my friend who knew that for the last month, I’ve had issues with this exact topic. I couldn’t feed my son, now a month old, because I was dry. I mourned not being able to breastfeed and I felt awful, just awful. And you? Hit it on the head. “My boobs don’t work. But my heart does.”

Thank you. A thousand times, THANK YOU! This? Made my day. I don’t feel so alone!

She’s perfect. You did everything you could. She’s still perfect.

(I sort-of know how it feels, although I had the opposite problem: tons of milk, but baby boys who were VERY rough & impatient.)

Thanks for your incredible honesty as always. Enjoy the rest of the summer with your beautiful family!

You have a wonderful, healthy, happy baby and a marvelous family. You have done the very best you could to breastfeed and you will do the best you can for those girls until the day you leave this planet-and beyond if that is possible. I will NEVER understand the guilt and shame we women heap on each other. I felt some of that after two c-sections. Here’s the deal-I don’t give birth and never will. I don’t dilate even with help. So my choice-c-section or death. Easy choice. I refuse to feel guilt for doing what is best for me or my kids. Hug your babies and love your life. You have earned it!

Love love love this post.

You are an amazing person and mom. Those who have not struggled cannot understand the full physical and emotional wringer you put yourself through in your determination to make this work.

I lasted 8 weeks at both attempts, and was ultimately unable to make it work for a wide variety of reasons. It wasn’t laziness. It wasn’t lack of desire or education or anything like that. Sometimes it just doesn’t work. Oh, how it killed me to “fail” with my twins. The heartbreak lasted forever. And how determined and “better-prepared” I was the second time around, only to have a baby who turned out to be completely unable to eat by mouth, period. Life throws curveballs. I so badly wanted breastfeeding to work, but it just wasn’t in the cards for me.

Squeezes to you and your sweet baby from me and my (formula-fed) clan.

I so love this post and your honesty. It’s not an easy topic and not something we always feel comfortable talking about, but thank you for your words. I can relate as I had to formula feed around 8 weeks to supplement Elise because she wasn’t getting enough milk and was actually losing weight. You do what you gotta do to feed your baby, and never look back.

“She gave me a gummy little smile and I knew it would be okay.”

Yup. It will totally be OK.

(and you may want to stick a bottle and some formula in your car somewhere– I spaced three different, inconvenient times when the Fox was an infant, and it was awful. Like visiting the social worker to sign off on his placement and we forgot to bring a bottle to feed him while we were there awful)

I admire you so much for how long and how hard you tried. Vivi will never doubt she is loved and in the end that’s the most important thing.

Is this a comment record book winner, or what!? Anything with the words boob, breastfeeding, and bottle and everyone has something to say! If only we judged our parenting on the same way our mothers were judged. My mom cracks up at the idea of me worrying about breastfeeding. It helped get me over those feelings of quitter. At the end of the day all of my babies are growing and healthy and loved. Loved loved loved. So are yours and that’ REALLY all that matters.

**** shame. be proud. your rock.

Eli will turn 4 tomorrow, and I still get pangs of regret and guilt when I see other moms nursing. For those of us who weren’t able to nurse despite our deepest desires to do so, I think it always hurts a little. We all had different breaking points, different moments when we just knew this was the last straw for us. But we all finally realize that this obsession with nursing when it just won’t work is doing more harm than good.

For me, it was after my 4th round of mastitis in 3 months (including one hospital stay). You would think that would be enough to get a hall pass, but still the hurtful comments came. Still, it wasn’t enough for some. It was enough for us, though. I wouldn’t trade a single minute of nursing moments I shared with my children, no matter how stressful or painful it was. But I also loved every minute of bottle feeding them. Love and care is the same no matter how it’s delivered. Thanks for sharing, Casey. You’ll help a lot of moms feel better about themselves.

I use to judge women all the time who I saw bottle feeding their kids before I had my own. BEFORE I had my own. And then my first was born. And for the first four months of her life we had the most stressful nursing relationship. It was painful and awful. I didn’t produce right away, so I had to have a feeding tube attached to me. Then she had a poor latch on, so I had to have a guard to help her. And she nursed all. the. time. For hours. By the sheer grace of God things turned a corner one afternoon (after 4 months of horribleness) and I was able to have a really great nursing relationship with her until she was 13 months. After that, I realized that breastfeeding or not breastfeeding is no indicator of an awesome mom. Some babies don’t latch on despite all efforts. Some moms can’t produce milk. Some moms are on medication that prevents them from nursing. And some moms realize that for their family, nursing isn’t the best option. And that is totally awesome, because they are doing what’s best for their child and themselves – loving them as only a mom can. My hats off to you for sticking it out and then being willing to say it’s okay to stop.

Hugs and love. I know that sick guilty feeling all too well. You are an amazing mother.

“My boobs don’t work. But my heart does.”

Love you. I am so sorry you had to go through all that but I know you aren’t, I know you were just being Mom. But still. I do hope that I’ve never said or written anything that hurt your heart. Please know that I of all people know we all have our own stories to live out and then tell.

Smooches.

Steph

You’re doing what’s best for your gorgeous little Vivi, she’s gorgeous and just going to get better.
Good going Mom, you’re doing wonderfuly.

This brought tears to my eyes. I could feel your pain, desperation, and eventually you succumbing to what will be. I can relate on so many levels. Life isn’t always what we dream it will be and doesn’t always seem to play out the way we plan in our heads. I will never understand why so many of us mothers judge and compare (we all do it on some level) ourselves and our children to those around us. Parenting with unconditional love is hard enough without the glances, stares, and words of others. You are an amazing, dedicated, and loving mother. We each must do what’s best for our children and family and whether your boobs work or not it’s not defining of you as a mother. Thank you for sharing this. (btw, I found you through natural urban mama)

this was a beautiful and heart-tugging post… I’m so sorry for the pain and suffering you endured the first 8 weeks, and also the guilt you felt/feel so proud of you for doing what is best for you and your family though! a happy, healthy mom is much more important than the act of breastfeeding itself, and a happy healthy baby and family is important as well. I hope that someday the war between breastfeeding and formula feeding moms/advocates will no longer be, we’re all moms trying to do the very best for out babies & families, we should be supporting each other, no matter what choices we make… *hugs* to you, I hope you have a fantastic time at BlogHer! (is that where you’re going? if not – have a great time where ever you ARE going!)

baby formula is not poison. However, I still feel like I am getting the stink eye from other women when I feed my baby formula out of a bottle in public. *sigh* this horrible boob vs. bottle vs.breast milk vs. formula debate amongst women is not good. I really liked Courtney Markham’s Comment. You have beautiful and dandy little girls!

I had foolishly thought that being an adoptive mom would mean that this would never be an issue for me. Except it is. I’m a horrible mother for not trying to create milk for my daughters! Don’t I know that there are ways to bring about milk production even if you didn’t give birth!

It’s ridiculous. And it hurt my feelings on more than one occasion.

The important thing is that you take the time to love your child, no matter if that time is breastfeeding or reading a story or lovingly looking in to your babies eyes while they have a bottle. You’re a top notch parent in my book.

I’m a transplant to Indy too and pregnant with my first. When people ask whether I plan to breastfeed, I just say, “I hope so.” I really want to, but who knows what this body of mine will decide to do (Lord knows it didn’t seem keen on giving me a baby).

I have stalked your blog for awhile but can’t say how much I adore you for this post. I went through exactly what you have gone through–2 baby girls, boobs that just don’t work. I even have big ones…thought with my first baby they should at least be good for something! Alas, they were not. I tried it all as well, nothing worked and I believe was the source of my pp depression. My 2nd baby, again very little milk. This time however with a very patient baby who latched perfectly as well! I never had my milk “come in” never leaked, none of those other things that happen when you breastfeed. My heart still breaks a little when I see a breastfeeding mom (and I see them a lot as I work in an OB clinic !). It has taken me years to come to terms with this and not feel guilty. My children are brilliant and strong by the way, even with their minimal amounts of breastmilk! I still grieve this at times, but it is better. Thank you for this, have a good trip and enjoy your baby!

[...] call it a gift because even though our female bodies are supposed to be able to do it, not everyone is able to and that is something to remember. I admit, I am guilty of judging a mom that I see bottle feeding [...]

OH, I FEEL YOU! For totally different reasons. I had tons of milk and EBF for months on a crazy diet because my daughter had allergies. Her GI finally told me to stop and put her on formula, and even though I’m on the opposite side of having to give formula, it is so terrible to look at your hungry baby and not be able to feed her. It SUCKS to go out to do errands and feel JUDGED by everyone because you pull out a bottle. YOU ARE AWESOME FOR DOING THE BEST THING FOR YOUR KID. <3 Internet love.

It’s a little bit crazy how similar we are! My PCOS made it difficult to get milk in and then I had severe anxiety and needed meds. In the end? I figured my twins needed a happy, healthy mommy most of all. x

[...] could have been asleep awhile ago, but the bottles, they’re not going to wash themselves, no? I came out on my blog yesterday and admitted that I cannot breastfeed. Not that I didn’t want to or try. Because oh hell almighty I tried for eight weeks. Eight [...]

me too with baby #1. tried everything. didn’t owrk. cried my heart out. then i lied to everyone. told them the formula was breast milk pumped into a bottle. it shut their mouths. it stopped me from crying of shame in front of them. i just lied. i am not as brave as you. thanks for sharing. thanks for being that voice for the rest of us.

I had to hold back tears. Even though it’s about 2 1/2 years behind me, I remember the day I decided to stop. It became a stress and I knew going back to work 4 weeks later was going to be hard enough, I knew I need to put away the pump, the pills, supplements, teas and sns system. I needed to enjoy my baby and I knew she would be healthy either way. Many hugs to you, Casey.

Ditto to all of those non-milk producers. Mine didn’t work either and they were HUGE. I suffered a long six months of pumping and supplementing with bottles. The day I stopped pumping, was the day I stopped producing. And I guess the one good thing about it was I never was engorged or in pain after I stopped pumping. Gotta look at the silver lining sometimes. C is now a rambunctious 22 month old and I love him more than ever.

This is a debate that I just don’t get. Breastfed or formula? Who cares? Is your baby nourished and loved? Yes, then success!

I have friends that argue their position (whatever side that is) vehemently.

I have 3 girls who have been both breastfed and bottle-fed. We did what was right for the child and me, at the time. They are now pre-teens and I would defy anyone to tell me which ones received which method of food.

It’s all for food. Feed the baby. Happy baby = happy mum (mostly.) In the end, one can never tell who’s been bottle-fed or breast-fed.

I tried everything, but always had to supplement. The worst part is the “shaming eyes” of others… but I just turned my head and fed my kid(s) from the bottle… sated and happy. Yay for us.

Yay for you, lady! And oh, what a beautiful baby…

I am SO happy I found your post on Babble, that led me to your blog. You are exactly what I have been looking for in the blog world. I follow several other (wonderful) mom blogs, all of which are milking machines! It warms my heart to read about their successes with breastfeeding but I can’t help but feel sad while reading their posts.

Similar to you, my daughter and I worked so perfectly together while nursing. Her latch was perfect from the start and she felt so comfortable on my breast. I tried and tried for 4 months to get my milk to come in. Unfortunately, my body would not make milk and I topped out at 1 ounce each breast per feeding. We had to supplement formula at 1 week old because she was so hungry, and I could not provide.

My daughter is now 7 months old, and while I am still mourning the loss of my breastfeeding hopes, I hold my head high while buying her formula, because she is happy, healthy and thriving! And in the big picture, that is all that matters.

Again, I am so thankful to have found your blog and look forward to being able to relate to a blogger that I follow.

Best of luck to you as you head out on your bottle-feeding adventure. Know that there are others, just like you, washing bottles and toting formula on each and every trip away from home.

Hey Rockstar, YOU TRIED. Go you. <3

If I knew you and it wouldn’t be weird, I would kiss you. At least hug you; and I’m not a hugged. I have been there, 3 times. This was like reading my thoughts. Thank you!

I wasn’t able to breastfeed. It broke my heart and I’m still grieving, 9 months later. I’m working hard to “let it go” but I had a hard start to this mom thing and not being able to breastfeed seemed, for a while, like it would be the end of me. I didn’t do everything I could, but I also know that I physically couldn’t do everything I needed to do to be successful.
The glares from the assuming others is not helpful. I feel like I need to wear a sign saying “I love my baby as MUCH as YOU DO”.
You’re a good mom. You didn’t give up. 8 weeks is not giving up. 8 hours? maybe. And you are right… Bottlefeeding is NOT easier. I hate bottles. I hate them.

This post was wonderful. Thank you for your honesty. We don’t know each other, so this might not mean much…but you are doing an amazing job.

Your problem is one that i’ve seen with many other women. My sister was so happy when she gave birth to her second child because she would be able to breastfeed (she couldnt feed with her first because she was too anemic) And for the first 3 months of her maternity leave she loved it. But now that shes back to work full-time, she dosnt have enough time during the day to pump, or she cant pump enough, so she often has to substitue with formula. She hates having to substitue,but giving her child an alternative is better than letting the child go hungry without enough food. Regardless of what your body does or allows you to do, all the love that you give to your children is much more important than where their food is coming from.

thanks for this. I only wish when I went through this with both my kids ( 8 and 5 years ago) that I had this to read. The whole thing broke my heart. And the Moms in the park judging me only made it worse.

thank you for being there for Moms of today.

I know how you feel. I tried the mother’s milk, pumping every hour, every pill, I even went so far as taking Reglan which has awful side effect (severe depression is one of them). Like you all day I pumped a total of 3 ounces for my Twins! I was all pro-Bf’ing and to this day I still feel the twinge of sadness. However, I now have 2 crazy, healthy, happy 1 year old twins.

I had 3 months of PP bleeding caused by Subinvolution of the placental site. Yea, a medical term that makes me scratch my head, but I would do it all again for my babies.

Great job on the effort, you tried, and you were able to have a bonding experience even if there wasn’t any milk.

I’ve been there. I know if I stopped breastfeeding my son, I would have no milk by the end of the day. We eek it out with generous formula supplementation and i feel like a terrible person because of it. Like the formula somehow negates the breastfeeding part. But I press on, because I could not make it with my twins- they wanted NOTHING to do with it. And if you combine two babies who don’t want to nurse with two boobs that have no interest in producing milk (even when they are tricked into submissions with reglan and fenugreek and oatmeal and teas and never ending pumping sessions) the end isn’t what you plan it to be.

At least my youngest *wants* to nurse. He gets what he can and the rest comes from a bottle. So far we’re getting along fine.

Oh, I think it is sad you felt the need to write an entire post defending why you do not breastfeed.

I think parents need to do a better job at parenting and breastfeeding is the least of the problems.

I did not breastfeed either of my children, my choice. My kids were incredibly healthy. In addition,We have the most wonderful relationship. They are 23 and 19, both are hanging out with me this summer. Guess, I managed to still bond with my children, wonder how I did that, oh with love throughout their entire life and through the years in which they will remember it!
Trust me, this hoopla over breastfeeding is beyond silly!

A good parent does what is best for the entire family and what works for one family may not work for another.

One thing is certain American parents need to parent and stop the overindulgence because that is leading to way larger problems than if a mother breastfeeds or not!

Focus on you and your lovely family and it will all work out for you!!!

I just had a piece published that basically begged people not to judge my parenting skills because I have several tattoos. Yet if I hadn’t read this, I would have went right on judging bottle-wielding moms. I’m a jerk. Thank you for this.

Oh, me too. ME TOO. I tried so hard. I saw lactation consultants and went on drugs and nursed for hours and hours and on demand and my baby lost weight and I felt guilty and he lost weight for WEEKS and I started bottle feeding and he gained weight and thrived. I still feel sick and guilt ridden and think I didn’t try hard enough, when I hear “Go Boobs Go!” and “Breast isn’t just best, it’s natural.” THANK YOU.

I couldn’t breastfeed my daughter and it devastated me. I went through so many lactation consultants, but she just wouldn’t latch on. It was awful.

The comments people made were unreal.

One lactation consultant actually said “it must make you feel so terrible to have your baby reject you like this.”

A woman I worked with said “what would you do if you were stranded on an island without formula?” as though it was a matter of trying harder.

I’d spent thousands of dollars trying to get her to latch on.

Hey, she’s 13 years old now. Think I should ask her why she never latched on?

I love “My boobs don’t work. But my heart does.”. Completely unrelated:
After having 2 c-sections and feeling that my body failed me that statement spoke to me. My birthing parts don’t work, but my heart does!

I had a difficult time nursing my second. There were many factors that came into play that I won’t go into here, and ultimately I chose to formula feed. My first son nursed like a champ. I stupidly thought that breastfeeding was so easy, anyone can do it, anyone who doesn’t is selfish and lazy and if you’re having issues you aren’t trying hard enough. Yeah, I was that bitch who would judge a mom who I saw giving their baby a bottle. I wish I could find every mom I every judged and give her a big hug and apologize.

My boobs don’t work either. I thought stopping abruptly when he was so tiny would ruin him. Would ruin us. But you know what? It didn’t. It didn’t. My second is as beautiful and big and strong and healthy and wonderful as my first, and it’s all good.

Yours is too. I can hear it in your voice.

Also? I can hear that you fought for her, as i’ve heard for weeks. And that, my friend, is awesome. Keep that, tucked away in your heart. You fought for her, and she is loved.

First: Your baby is so so so so beautiful.
Second: I had to bottle feed one of my boys and the shame does run deep, even though I know I did the best I could. It stinks that we have to explain ourselves on this subject, but I think that any woman who knows (and hears so constantly) that breast is best feels the need to explain. It just shows that we cared about the choice that we had to make.

I’m so proud of you. I think I told you that at BlogHer. I hope I did. In case, I didn’t, I’ll say it again: I’M SO PROUD OF YOU! XO

[...] as she raises a bottle to her baby’s lips, is extremely sad. As she wrote in her post, the one about me not being able to breastfeed, the assumptions made about bottle feeding mothers are hardly ever good ones. So this [...]

Sending hugs your way. I had two kids who did not breastfeed, so I pumped. My daughter just refused and my son was tongue tied so literally couldn’t. I pumped with each of them as long as could. Once I started resenting the extremes I was doing to produce more milk, I quit. Guess what — my kids are pretty darn healthy and you do the best you can at the time.

SO glad I found this through PhDinParenting…I really want to reach out through my crappy little laptop and hug you, but that’s no possible, so instead let me just say 3 things:

1. You are a rockstar mom, and you made the right decision. What is important is not so much your breasts but what’s under the left one (ie, your heart…corny, right? Yeah, that’s why I haven’t used it on my own blog).

2. I totally hear you on the 1:100-but-they’re-loud bit. I saw this chick’s Twitter feed today and it made me want to cry. So much hatred and judgment of some women she saw bottlefeeding, with no thought of what the story might be behind it. It makes me so angry, and so angry that kickass women like you have to come on their blogs and write things like this and feel ashamed AT ALL for feeding their babies in a way that is not considered “right” or “good”.

3. My body didn’t “work” in quite a few ways. It screwed up 2 pregnancies with numerous complications. I needed medical assistance to stay pregnant and not miscarry in the first place. And I wasn’t able to breastfeed one, and didn’t breastfeed the next one b/c of all the emotional trauma caused by that first experience (I had pretty severe PPD and then, when I found out I had essentially been poisoning my son b/c he was severely allergic to my milk – yes, that is possible; rare, but possible – and this was after clipping a tongue tie, dealing with low supply, exclusive pumping, nerve damage in one of my breasts… I was too scared to go down that road. Some days I really regret that I didn’t try harder the second time around, and I sincerely believe that if I hadn’t felt so much pressure/guilt/inadequacy/fear the first time, I may have been more encouraged to take the risk on #2.

3. Vivi is lucky to have you as a mom, working boobs or not.

Thank you for sharing, mama! There is nothing to feel bad about. You gave it more than your all. I thought my tongue-tie experience was tough. Nothing compared to what you went through. Yikes.

Oh, wow…I wish I had known about your website two years ago! I wish this post had been around then. Like you, I had a chronic supply issue. My daughter steadily lost weight over the first few weeks of her life, it was horrible. I began investigating alternatives and decided to feed with a supply line, which we did for nine months, until she weaned quite aggressively (and which was devastating to me). Every day I would wake up and shove fistfuls of pills into my mouth – herbal remedies, domperidone. The supply line was the best thing I ever did as it meant we got to have some semblance of the breastfeeding relationship I had hoped for, but I felt so self-conscious about it. I felt I could never breastfeed in public, too frightened of people’s reactions to tubing and a dangling repository of milk. I felt like I couldn’t go out of the house at feed-times as the other option was a bottle, and I had visions of being lynched or something for that. I felt guilty for supplementing because of the prevalence of anti-formula rhetoric, even as I know that I simply wasn’t making enough to sustain my child on my own. The mother-guilts, squared, every which way I looked at it, ever day of those first few months. I choked up reading this thread; it’s such a primal connection, and the desire to nurture and feed our children is so at the centre of the parenting (particularly for mothers) experience that feeling as though there is failure there can be crushing. Or at least, it was for me. Thank you so much for sharing your experience here; it feels reassuring to read other mothers’ accounts.

I have *so* much admiration for you. You are such a rockstar.

My first child was combination fed from around 4 months old – not due to physical need, but due to my emotional needs. I have pretty much made my peace with my choice but I can’t help feeling like i need to explain myself.

I am a passionate advocate for breastfeeding but I feel ashamed when I see the way that some so-called “lactivists” (better known as big bad bullies) go about “educating” others. It’s despicable.

anyway, im rambling. I just came to say that your story moved me to tears, and I hope that if you ever feel guilty about formula feeding ever again, come and read the awesome comments you’ve had here and remind yourself of just how hard you tried and what a fantastic mother you are for making the RIGHT choice for your baby xxxxx

Through a whole series of blog hopping tonight after I saw a tweet, I found your post and am SO glad I did. Much to my chagrin, I’m in the “no milk” club too. I get that same rock in my stomach and on some level, still mourn that loss even 4 years later!
I blogged about my story here: http://www.momendeavors.com/2011/03/when-breastfeeding-doesnt-work-part-1.html

And, I’m SO thankful to find other moms sharing their similar stories. This statement, “Many bodies out there don’t produce what comes naturally to so many others. Some bodies don’t produce enough tears, some bodies don’t produce enough insulin, some bodies don’t produce enough estrogen, some bodies don’t produce sweat, some bodies don’t produce sperm and some bodies don’t produce babies.”, couldn’t be better said!
So sorry you struggled with this too, but thank you so much for sharing!!

I was in that club too, took the Reglan to regulate proactin levels and was able to FINALLY produce, but did the tube thing too. Kudos to you for posting this and kudos to you for your fight! I see how many comments you have and it’s comforting to have a place to discuss these things. I didn’t have it with my first. Now with my second, I love the mommy support in the blog world!!

RSS feed for comments on this post.

i like to take pictures.

search me.

the really good ones.

subscribe to me

also available