So. Yeah. Remember how I was all “Things are getting kind of bad.” and you were all “I hope things get better!” and I was all “Thank you! This too shall pass!”

Things didn’t get worse, but they didn’t get better. It’s still just bubbling, right under the surface.

I told my Ami about it and she wrote me this email back, and now I’m going to share it with you.

Because it applies to you (some of it at least.)

And me.

And we’re all just doing the best we can.

*******************
1-  You are stronger than anything broken inside of you.  I know this to be true with every fiber of my being.  You don’t see how strong you are, but I can see your strength shining in you.

2-  You have done absolutely nothing to deserve depression.  You haven’t taken anything for granted, you haven’t offended God, you haven’t been a bad person.  You just have it for no reason I understand, and I plan to ask Heavenly Father about it at my “exit interview.”

3-  If this is, in fact, a depression episode and not just a blip on the screen, then eventually everything will wind up being okay.  You are strong enough to get help.  You are brave enough to push forward, even when it feels like you are merely standing in place.  And you are incredibly and absolutely loved.

4-  You are not alone.  I know when everything is at its worst you feel alone.  But you aren’t.  You have people, right here in Indiana, who will catch you if you fall.  You have loving people who will gladly circle about you and hold you.  If things start to collapse around you, there is an entire Casey team ready to help put the pieces together again.

5-  Your depression will not permanently scar your children.  I know you worry about this.  But you need to remember that every single parent who brings a child into this world is a broken human being with great faults.  Right now you are looking at other mothers and comparing their shiny outsides with your dark inside.  Just remember, we are all broken, just maybe where you can’t see it.
Additionally, you are demonstrating to your beautiful daughters that it is okay to not be perfect.  Women, Mormon women in particular, have a hard time with this concept.  We all want to run the perfect home, be the perfect parent and perfect wife, doing a perfect job.  You are proving to your babies that this is a myth and furthermore that it is okay to be less than perfect.  You are also demonstrating that recognizing our imperfections does not mean we just succumb to our weaknesses, it means we press forward, relying on Christ to pick up our slack.

6-  If this is a worst case scenario, don’t be scared.  We can put together a plan that will keep you safe and your children happy.

7-  I love you.

Remember these things.
Ami (and by association, me.)

(Ami has a blog…it’s really good. You should read it. If you’re local you should totally be friends with her.)

Comments

  1. Absolutely and Amen. You ARE stronger than the broken inside of you. Your kids know and will always know how much you love them. You are incredible. Keep moving forward.

  2. thank you case. you always post exactly what i need to hear. {or i guess i should technically say thank you ami}

  3. whenever i’m having a hard day, there’s always a post here that makes me feel a little less alone, so thank you for that.

    sorry about the gray cloud. i hope sunny skies are ahead for you very soon. take care.

  4. Bubbling under the surface is a place I’m quite familiar with. And bubbling under the surface is not drowning just below the surface.
    Your awareness, your vigilance and all the people that love you will bring you through.
    Your voice, your heart and your honesty are these beautiful, shining examples for your daughters of how to live your life and how to fight for it. They are just so lucky to have you for a mother.

  5. Thank-you. You are right. I needed this too. ((hugs)) and prayers. We’ll all get through this.

  6. xo

  7. Dear sweet, lovely, amazing Casey,

    Depression, such as it is, is a physical problem. It is a chemical imbalance in your brain. God didn’t do this to you. YOU didn’t do this to you. It just happens – and many times it happens right after pregnancy, because all those hormones and chemicals accumulate in your system and they’re still there after the baby is born.

    It CAN be remediated by drugs. But to my mind, the best thing I know of to restore proper chemical balance in a person is regular, strenuous physical exercise. Aerobics. Running. Pilates. Whatever makes you breathe hard and gets your heart pumping.

    You go girl.

  8. Heck, I feel like this and I am not “clinically” depressed. I think any Mom out there can read this and make it fit their situation. LOVED IT. And LOVE that you have a friend who gets “it.” Hoping you’re doing okay. And wondering if Ohio is local enough for me to be friends with BOTH of you! :)

  9. This made me cry, in a good way.
    I hope and pray things are looking up. I know exactly what you’re talking about with it bubbling beneath the surface. There, but not.
    *hugs*

  10. I think #5 is so important for anyone that has ever experienced PPD to hear/remember

  11. oh, what a friend. my heart!

    i’m not a depression sufferer but the idea that i’m stronger than what’s broken in me? i wish i could believe something like that. we’ll see.

  12. She’s right about Indiana. We like to play catch here.

  13. Oh, sweet Casey, you have the best friends!

  14. Hugs! I hope what is bubbling just under the surface disappears and turns into butterflies and rainbows soon!

  15. mommabird2345 says:

    That is an amazing email. You have wonderful friends.

  16. Casey, I am crying. Again. I have already cried 3 times at work today. Had two sucky deaths in the family last week. Yep, two. In the middle of one of my worst depressive episodes ever. ****adoodle (I think I can curse on your blog, can’t I).

    I needed to hear all this. I feel so alone right now. Even with all the people standing around me. It’s like their blurred out. I’m reaching but not touching. And it hurts.

    When I get like this, I worry all the time that my kids might sense that mommy is sad or they might catch me in a bad moment. I feel horribly guilty for not being very present as of late. But when this crap happens I usually try to shelter them from it by breaking down behind closed doors under the safety of a duvet cover. I just don’t know what else to do. My therapist tells me over and over that no one escapes childhood/teenagehood without baggage. Depression or no depression. What parents do or don’t do effect the people we become.

    Whoever it was that wrote that and then sent it to you? Thank you.

    molly Reply:

    apparently I can’t curse on your blog. Oops ;)

  17. You (and Ami) do not know how desperately I needed these words today.

    Thank you for being imperfect and touching so many lives in so many positive ways.

  18. I felt the need to get out my highlighter with this post. hmmm…. you have a really smart friend.

  19. Oh, this is so wonderful.

    I am so glad you have a friend who took the time to write this to you. And bless her heart, it is ALL true.

    I think I’m going to pass this post along to some friends…

  20. Very good advice. You are stronger and you show it every day, even if you don’t realise it yourself.

    Keep well and know peace.

  21. Thank you, thank you, thank you. From the depths of my despair and depression, thank you! You have no idea how much I needed that light at the end of the tunnel today.

  22. Thanks for sharing. I know I needed it. I’ve pared my blog-reading down to one. You’re it, my friend. And oh-so-worthwhile. xo

  23. How did you know that i needed this email too?
    I’m coming off a medication wean and I feel very stabby and grouch like and am worrying that maybe I need to be on this medication…still. I hate it.
    It’s depressing.
    So this email?
    Totally needed and I thank you and Ami.

  24. Ann Woodruff says:

    Totally a beautiful post from a really great friend….this was meant for many today, but also for me. Thank you for sharing it.

  25. It amazes me that you always seem to post these things at a time when I’m sinking and feel like I can’t get up again. Most days I carry on as though I’m ok. I get up, put my makeup on, get dressed, feed my 12 week old baby and go to work. Then I get home and have a mega melt down, get violently angry and sad all at the same time. It all has to escape sometimes you know?
    I get so scared that Asher will only remember me like that, not that happy face that I put on for her. But I go on. And you know, Ami is right.
    “You are stronger than anything broken inside of you.”
    I love this. Thank you.

  26. Your friend is wise. Much love to you.

  27. I wanted to weigh in on #5. My dad was bi-polar. He was diagnosed when he was 18, so growing up my brother & I saw both sides of that coin. My dad also had kidney failure, which resulted in his death when I was 17 & my brother was 12. What I remember are the good & happy moments, & there were so many. Not to say that I don’t remember the bad moments, I know that my dad struggled & that there were times when he had troubles with medications, but those moments didn’t define him. They don’t define him in my memories. It’s evident how much you love your girls & that’s the most important thing. They know that, & that makes you a wonderful mother.

  28. Casey, I needed this today, this week. Thank you. <3

    You know, I'm not that far away, and here if you need anything.

  29. Thank you so much for caring so much about others to share this, even if you aren’t feeling your best. I’ve recently been struggling and #2 was exactly, EXACTLY, what I needed to hear today. Thank you.

  30. This entry is amazing. Being broken is good – perfection is overrated. Trust me.

    Love and light to you….XOXO

  31. Samantha Jo campen says:

    I needed this right now. Tonight. Thank you.

  32. Elizabeth says:

    This is beautiful. You have yourself a good friend. My mother suffers from depression and this made me tear up.

  33. This is so beautiful and the words so true. It is hard having the dark insides when it seems everyone else has shiny outsides. And so easy to confuse the two sometimes!

  34. yes and yes. and me, too.

    *bigdeepcleansingsigh*

  35. Whoa. Deep. Its as if you wrote this for me. I love it, its exactly what I needed to hear today.

  36. I would like to have the title of this post tattooed on my forehead.
    Everyone should be so lucky to have a friend like Ami!
    Thank you for sharing with us.

  37. This post is so very true, hang in there dear!

  38. Thank you for this post – I have been feeling exceedingly broken as of late and this just, well, helps me feel not so alone. Though it is nothing I would divulge in a work email – ;) – I really understand how it feels when life falls apart. So glad you have such wonderful friends to support you.

    p.s. ditto to the tattoo on my forehead!

  39. I’ve kept this post in my inbox because I keep mulling over what you said. “You are stronger than anything broken inside you.” I feel the bubbling, I’ve been feeling it for over a month now, and sometimes it slowly drips over the sides and then it comes down. Its quite unsettling, never knowing, when it could bubble over. Waking up not knowing. It was great to read this, to be affirmed that I’m stronger than this, I’ve overcome this. If I had to, I could do it again. I know you can too.

  40. Gosh she’s smart. Also, hey Ami? MAKING PEOPLE CRY ISN’T NICE.

    *sniff*

    Love you both.

    Also, I will be printing this out (and by that I mean, hey can you print this out for me?) and putting it on my mirror.

  41. Wow, friends are the best, aren’t they? What beautiful words of support.

  42. I just found your blog. I also have depression, and it’s nice to see someone else consider their brain broken. I like your title… Sometimes I have to chant stuff like that to myself. Keep up the positivity! :)

  43. dear casey -
    it’s been awhile since i’ve been on your blog (can’t figure out how to follow it – a bit tech challenged after being a sahm for 6 years i guess). i am so sorry you are going through rough times & so grateful you share them. i have a lot of those same issues & it sucks. i want you to know you have south west hoosier on your side & rootin for ya too! many prayers for you & your family.

  44. I was really happy to read this. I was out of town, away from my husband and having a really hard time adjusting to some medication changes (not to mention dealing with being off schedule and away from home) and this really hit me hard (in a good way).

    I hope you continue to take this letter to heart, Casey. I know I will.

    Much love for you.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] I promise you’re going to be able to love fiercely again, even after that one  person hurt you – that one person who was as close to your soul as a person could ever get. You’re going to have the strength to pull your big girl pants up and fight back at the hot tears at every reminder. You’re going to be able to to it because, babe, you were born for this. You are stronger than anything broken inside of you, as Ami has beautifully said. [...]

  2. [...] From another friend, Casey at Moosh in Indy (who, by the way, wears the same perfume and flip flops and uses the same shampoo and toothpaste as I do), on being stronger than anything broken inside of you. [...]