I am so tired.

I have been walking the fine line between okay and not okay for the last several weeks.

Truth is I want to stop walking and simply crumple into a heap.

Winter is so close. The signs of darkness and cold are becoming harder and harder to ignore, and they are wrapping their fingers slowly around my throat.

I used to get excited for fall. Boots! Sweaters! Soup!

This year I simply do not want to do fall.

I don’t want the sun to go away for six months.

I know I shouldn’t be letting the fear of something that hasn’t happened yet ruin the time I have left. But it’s not as if winter is maybe going to happen, or maybe this year I won’t fall into a deep dark funk. It’s going to happen. And it’s going to happen soon.

This morning I woke up to an email thanking/applauding me for pushing on through my depression. She closed with this line,

 I’ve had moments where I feel like myself lately, but tonight. I don’t want to keep doing this for the rest of my life.

Me neither, Bethany.

I’m so very tired.

But I will keep going. For myself, for you, for the countless others out there who know this intangible pain, for my husband, my friends, my family and for these…

sisters.

Giving up simply isn’t an option.

Comments

  1. You are loved. Don’t forget.

  2. I love your heart. How you just lay it out here honestly and give us your heart. I’m thinking of you, sending bravery and endurance. And hoping this winter is different. Really really hoping with you.

  3. We live in a society that won’t allow us to crumple. At least, we’re not supposed to crumple in front of other people.

    I honestly think that it’s the pressure NOT to crumple that kills my happiness. I’m always worried about how my depression is affecting other people forgetting that it’s okay to worry about ME and how I feel.

    If there weren’t such a stigma against mental illness I might be more apt to just crumple and ask for help instead of partaking in the rat race in order to be perceived as normal.

  4. Thank you for giving a voice to the many of us suffering with depression. Many of us suffer in silence and feel alone. But, since I have discovered your blog, I don’t feel like I have a dirty secret as I battle with my own depression.

    Sara Reply:

    @Erin,

    Erin…you took the words right out of my mouth.

  5. Thank you for this post. I feel the same way you do about the approaching winter, fall even. I want to be excited to throw on a sweater and play outside in the leaves with my son. But I keep thinking about how depressed I get in the cold seasons. This year, I’m buying myself a light therapy lamp. A good one. As a gift to myself. So what if I’m broke & have to use credit. I’m worth it. Have you tried one?

    Lauren Reply:

    @Jaime, a light box is ABSOLUTELY worth it. Mine was expensive, but I’ve had it for three years with no problems and no need to replace the bulbs. I recommend this to you too, Casey. Let me know if you need a recommendation — I tried out a few different brands before I got this one, and I love it.

    Mim Reply:

    @Lauren,
    I am interested in knowing which brand you felt worked the best. I’m in PA but can feel the days getting shorter and it scares me.

    Jaime Reply:

    @Lauren, Hi Lauren, I definitely would like to know which lamp you recommend. I want so badly to order one, but I can’t make up my mind!

  6. Oh how I get this (and wish I didn’t). I have had so many conversations with my husband that are pretty much this post verbatim. Can I tell you a secret? I sort-of want to throat punch people on FB who post about how this is their ‘favorite time of year.’ I mean, it’s nothing personal, but it is hard to not tell them to SHUT UP. Funny (not really) how the anticipation of the season change is (almost) worse. xo

  7. This is one of those times I want to comment, but the words aren’t there.
    xoxo

  8. nope, it’s not an option. but i sure wish it was sometimes.
    hang in there babe. i will too.

  9. me, too.

  10. erica mueller says:

    I feel you. These dark mornings and early evenings play with a new mommy’s emotions and don’t help the tired factor at all.
    Hang in there! Fall days jumping in leaves, drinking cider and watching Addie play outside will be fun. And, Spring WILL come again!

    erica mueller Reply:

    @erica mueller, I should mention that Fall is usually my favorite time of the year, but the extra hormones, tiredness, etc of being a new mommy is just not a good mix with darker, shorter days.

  11. Hi Casey,

    I always read your blog but I don’t always comment. Today, the first thing I did after reading was click Comment!

    You can push through. I’ve never been in the situation you’re in, but all of your past posts really make me believe that you are more capable than you give yourself credit for. It takes a strong woman to be a good mom, and I think you are a great mom. The Winter Blues hit us all in different ways, and I know you’ll push through to Springtime sunlight and Summer warmth.

    Also… that picture of your girls is absolutely stunning and you should most definitely frame it, and stare at it all winter when you’re feeling down. Because it’s stunning!

    Did I mention that picture is stunning? No? Ok. :)

  12. I feel like I should say all the typical things that I know how you feel (I do), that you have a wonderful family, friends, and strangers like me who care about you (you do). I know none of that is really going to help. I just want to say, that I’m here and available for long winded sad emails. God knows I’ve written countless posts I’ve never published for that reason.

  13. I vote for a few trips to sunny places.

    In all seriousness (and not to sound insensitive!!), so glad you continue to write about it and hopefully find some support from all of us and just talking about it.

    I find myself wanting to be excited about fall, until I start to wonder how I will survive another winter without locking myself inside for several months. I need to move somewhere without it. Last year, my bf noticed the change in my spirit when spring came. It’s remarkable what the weather can do to you. Maybe tanning would help me some – it used to, but I hate the idea of it.

    Enjoy summer while it lasts – try to stay in the here and now. And fall/winter – when it gets here, then find ways to make it best for you.

  14. This.

    so, so this.

  15. I woke up in the worst mood today. Seriously. The grey dreary day didn’t help things. I’ve managed to pull myself out of it. But I worry about winter myself. Big time.

    Anyway…hugs to you lady.

  16. Hi Casey,

    Yesterday I was just minding my own business when you stumbled into my life. I’d lived for three years in Indy and was curious about the temple there, and after googling it, your post about the temple came up, and the rest is all a blur…

    I have spent hours reading your blog. HOURS. I may or may not have brushed my kids’ teeth last night (I think I fed them dinner?). I have that crappy sleep-deprived headache from staying up until 2 am, and my twin babies are crawling around in just diapers this morning because I haven’t made time to get them dressed yet. I am happy to say, though, that I can officially get on with my life now and feel sufficiently caught up on your blog.

    Not sure I’ve ever read a blog that’s more real (I rarely read blogs, but of the ones I have read from time to time, yours stands out by a mile). It takes guts to put yourself out there, and your posts are so refreshing. I hope that doesn’t sound insensitive…I don’t wish hardship or struggles or depression on anyone, but to hear someone talk about it so honestly and openly just doesn’t happen very often. You have no idea how many “amens” I’ve said to myself over the past 24 hours.

    Plus, you are freaking hilarious…my tummy muscles hurt from laughing so hard.

    I’ve gone down Indianapolis memory lane while browsing your earlier posts (we lived near Eagle Creek Park), remembering the crazy rainstorms, the hours spent at the Children’s Museum and the Zoo, and going to the Indy 500 for the first time. We’ve lived back in Utah for several years, but I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for Indy.

    Wish I knew what to say about these most recent posts. “Keep your chin up” just sounds insincere and stupid. I’ve spent some time in the depression arena as of late. My old standbys of “scriptures and exercise” aren’t working as well as they once did. I relate to your description of things bubbling just below the surface…

    It seems like you have legions of friends and supporters who have given you really good advice. I’ll be checking back often because (as corny as it sounds) I feel like I’ve made a new friend.

  17. all the best to y’all!
    they will be your light when the sun goes away.

    i/we applaud your honesty & ability to use your words as a gift to all.

  18. wow, blown away.

  19. I am so fortunate to have found your blog. You have helped me in so many ways. Just to know someone else out there understands, or you make me laugh when I need a laugh. Depression stinks. Winter stinks. I had a bad night last night and wanted to crumple as well. But, onward we go. And I “take a deep breath and listen to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am” XO

  20. You are never alone. never, ever.

  21. Jaime and Lauren are right on the money with the idea of adding a lightbox or something similar to your day. Keep it light in the house – lights on – BRIGHT lights on – as much as is practical and possible.

    And then I’ll come down – in the middle of Winter – to brighten your day.

    Just because I know I can. :)

  22. I read that accidentally as “I do not want to fall” instead of I do not want to DO fall.

    I don’t want you to fall either.

    Steph

  23. You are a light to so many. I say that, not to add pressure, but because are so awesome.

    Jill (mrschaos) Reply:

    @Jill (mrschaos), YOU are so awesome.

    goodness.

  24. I totally feel you on this. I LOVE the fall, but only the crisp sun drenched days of it, not the early dark or the gray and rainys.
    We’ve had two days in a row of cool and gray and I feel the toehold I had crumbling.
    I’m fighting alongside you because of all of our people, our points of lights that force us out of bed and into the fray.
    And, I’m in for the sunny place trips too:)

  25. You know…I was having a good run. Then the weather started to change, so did my mood. I’ve tried to just take each last summery day at a time and not to worry about the impending winter coming (huge PTSD issues with winter) but it’s so hard to ignore. Me? I was still holding onto hope because this year may be different.
    Then today happened.
    I met with a pain specialist (I’ve been waiting since February) finally and the outcome sucked. I came home and caved.
    i hate this.
    I hate what this does to my family.
    But like you said, I can’t give in.
    Thank you as always for writing from your heart. I know I’m not alone.

  26. I could wrap some Florida sunshine in bubble wrap and mail it to you? I would totally do that!!

  27. I’ve been feeling it too. Sending love to you.

  28. (unlurking for a moment). There is a song that I always send or play for my husband (who also has had bouts with depression). After all the outpouring of love to you, it made me think of it. It’s called “Lose Your Way” and sung by Sophie B. Hawkins (sorry if you’ve already heard it:)) Anyway, if you want- look it up because I think a lot of people will follow you whenever you lose your way. Take care!

  29. I’m thinking a mid-winter getaway to a warm sun filled place is in order for the both of us.

    Hang in there love.

    XOXO

  30. As I hold your hand, I squeeze it to let you know you have support. No words, just the squeeze.

  31. I understand being that kind-of tired and it is worrisome. I don’t know you but I do know what those words really mean….it is scary at times. We all have to find what can lighten us, make us feel less heavy. It is personal for all of us but it must come from within as hard as it is. Martin Luther King Jr once said… it is only in the darkness that we can find the light….(paraphrasing) I hope you can find yours. I don’t often write comments but just want you to know that there are people who get it.

  32. I’m right there with you. But I will always catch you if you fall. Or maybe at least cushion the blow if I beat you to it.

    cordoza

  33. Ugh, I am dreading it too, sister. I’m sorry. Love coming your way.

  34. Amen, sister.

  35. I’m okay until Halloween. September and October give me some grace, and so I don’t hate them. But after Halloween, for some reason, my brain chemicals are up for grabs. Some days its Anxiety, other days its Dread. Occasionally Hopelessness makes her appearance (sneaky jerk) (I have significantly more apt foul words to describe hopelessness but I know you don’t use profanity so I’m trying to be respectful).

    And then, my old friend HeinousSadNastyFallingapart. I call it that because depression is such a trite word to many, and it just doesn’t quite touch on how absolutely awful I feel, or how quickly it degenerates.

    By Christmas it’s a fake happy face, and by Valentine’s day I don’t even bother with that any more. March can go either way, depending on the weather that year.

    April gives me respite, mostly.

    I’m used to it, sort of. I just figure that my kids seem to be okay, my husband loves and supports me, and at the end of each day, I’m still alive.

    My point. Is. I get it. I SO get it. I hate it for you.

  36. I do that too. Fear is a dirty little thing…I give it too much power. I wish I could tell you how to stop the fear, but I cant. All I can do is tell you that you are not alone.

  37. i’ve found myself dreading this coming winter and wishing i wasn’t, wishing i was enjoying the fall instead too.
    we had a short summer this year, spring went on forever. i even wore sweats until mid-june. i haven’t had enough summer to want fall or winter for a change of pace.
    (not to mention being worn down by a zillion things in the past 4 years to where i have no resiliency anymore to take things as they come….)
    *hugs*

  38. Casey…Thank you for this. You often help me see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. <3

  39. I empathize yet again, Casey. SAD kicks my butt every year. I hope this winter isn’t hard on you, and I second the light therapy lamp suggestion, I’m getting one myself. Xoxo

  40. I understand your pain. I’m walking that line between ok and not ok too right now. With me, it’s anxiety and ocd that’s taking its hold on me. Let’s both keep on keeping on.

  41. Addie looks like she’s in heaven in that photo.

    It is a fine line… but you ARE walking it. I think when you’re aware of the line… and you know what’s on the sunny side of that line… it helps you focus on where you need to step.

    You keep going… and we’ll hold your hand and keep going with you.

  42. Yeah. In Georgia, it’s still dark when I leave for work at 6:45 a.m. It’s dark by 8 p.m.

    I’m not loving it at all.

    Ugh.

  43. I’m feeling the same dread. And it’s already closing in. I hate it. I don’t want to deal with it. But I can’t pretend it’s not there…can I? No. No I can’t.

    Keep walking the line, sister.

  44. I hate how the dark outside turns into the dark inside in the winter. I’m ok in the fall – still windows open, etc, but the cold dark winter gets me. The electric company LOVES me and all of my lamps.

    It’s not the crumpling that’s the problem…it’s the getting back up.

    xoxoxo

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