I was once accused of doing “it” wrong by a nurse while I was inpatient at a Utah hospital.

“It” being my recovery.

She came in after one of my group therapy sessions and asked what I had been working on.

I told her that during the group session I realized just how much I had to go back to. A good husband, good friends, a decent job, a stable family and few other things that I had a new found appreciation for.

She scolded me and told me I wasn’t doing it right and that I was wrong.

People who land themselves in *that* wing of the hospital aren’t supposed to be so happy and grateful for their own life so fast apparently.

Whoops.

I hated that nurse. I had her for over 24 hours of my 72 hour stay.

She had a nervous tick that I had forgotten about until I saw her at a wedding. She came up to me insistent that I looked familiar, I didn’t recognize her, that is until she ticked.

I was reminded of being scolded for having the audacity to find hope during one of the worst seasons of my life.

********

I am so good right now.

So strong.

So happy.

And because of her I sometimes wonder if I’m doing it wrong. Maybe this isn’t really happiness. Maybe this is mania…depression masquerading as happiness.

But I’ve been through mania, and this? Isn’t mania.

I think this is just plain old happy and content and I still blame this baby for most of it.

five months

Nothing special is going on. Nothing fancy has happened.

Well, except for this cat.

How fancy is he?

mr. wink

I feel the way sweet tastes.

To anyone who may be out there fighting to come back? Keep fighting. Oh my, please keep fighting. Because this feeling of sweetness? To be able to appreciate a simple life the way those who have not suffered are not able to?

It is worth every tear, heartache and pain to know this kind of delicious. Even if it won’t last forever, it makes the time spent here better.

***********************

Being able to wake up every morning for the last several weeks and feel hopeful about what each new day truly has been a special occasion, since it has never really happened before. I’m grateful to be participating in this project with Hallmark to share my experience and the beauty of the extraordinary ordinary.

Comments

  1. Reading this post is like the feeling you get when you have a sigh of relief. I am so happy for you sweet friend. And even though I’m not in a dark moment of my own mental illness, I’m in an average one, and this post still makes me hopeful.

    As someone who struggles with depression and infertility.

    <3

    Casey Reply:

    @Untypically Jia, I think of you a lot. My wish is that everyone could know wellness more than they know illness.

  2. Oh how this makes me cry. I am not doing well. Not at all. I know what happy feels like. I want it back so much. But when one problem goes away another one pops up. I’m sure some people would fault the way that I am trying to recover. That’s what I was scared to blog about today. But I have to write it out. It’s the only thing that reminds me that there is hope. There is love. There is good.

    Thanks for reminding me. I feel I’m starting to forget.I don’t want to go to the hospital. But I’m running out of options.

    Jessica Reply:

    Molly, I am praying for you right now.

    Jen L. Reply:

    @Jessica, I’m praying for you, too, Molly. Keep your chin up and take care of yourself. And if you can’t, please do find someone to lean on.

    Joules Reply:

    @Molly, Molly, you can do it. One foot in front of the other. We’ll do it together.

    Casey Reply:

    @Molly, There is hope. And you have wonderful people pushing for you, even if they are strangers.

  3. I am so happy for you that I could just burst. I love the way that you say “you feel the way sweet tastes.” That is so delicious, literally and figuratively.

    Casey Reply:

    @Jessica, It describes how I feel perfectly…I’m glad it makes sense to someone else.

  4. I love your kitty and your sweet little girls but mostly I love that you are happy.

    Casey Reply:

    @Shelley, Me too. But the kitties and baby are pretty spectacular.

  5. Isn’t that the frustrating thing, that we don’t know if it will stay.

    I’m so glad this is one of the good times. Lots to be happy about.

    Casey Reply:

    @Amie aka MammaLoves, I realized I’m much better off enjoying the happy while it’s here than stressing out about when it’s going to leave and realize I wasted all this time to just enjoy myself.

  6. I love your site, your story. A friend of mine told me about your blog the other day. We were discussing pregnancy stories, the hard ones. I’m so glad your in a happy place. I get it…and sometimes it takes years to get to that place. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Casey Reply:

    @C, Thank you. And it has taken years to get here, but it was totally worth it.

  7. My husband told me recently that he’s not sure that he’ll ever get his wife back. Every moment feels like clawing out of the sleepy dulled apathy, and to see you on the other side is hope.

    Casey Reply:

    @Kate, I know Cody’s wondered the same thing. I’ve seen it on his face. But he too knows that I’ll be back, eventually.
    xoxo

  8. It’s good to hear this in the middle of one of the hardest fights of my life.

    Thank you, truly, for this post. :)

    Casey Reply:

    @Nicole Drysdale-Rickman, Oh darling, I know the energy it takes to fight the fight you’re fighting.
    Be well.

  9. But, you suffer from depression. That means you’re supposed to SUFFER from it. NO HAPPINESS ALLOWED.

    I once had someone told me I was in the throes of (a terribly dark) depression because I didn’t pray enough. Yes. I didn’t ask God quite enough to take this awful burden from me when I was 16 years old and locked in the psych ward of the nearest hospital. IF ONLY I HAD PRAYED MORE.

    Happiness is beautiful. Being content is a blessing. Having those two together? Absolute bliss. The regular, normal kind of bliss that regular, normal people feel.

    OH WAIT. WE ARE REGULAR NORMAL PEOPLE. Depression is a smelly shoe. Happiness is the awesomeness of washing those smelly, nasty shoes and having them come out all fresh and clean. You enjoy every second of those nice, clean shoes until they start to smell again.

    Casey Reply:

    @Jess, Oh yes, they pray harder thing. Because that fixes EVERYTHING.

  10. What a jerky nurse. You deserve this SO MUCH. I’m so happy that you’re so happy. Also, that cat is pure awesomeness. Vivi’s not bad either. ;)

    Casey Reply:

    @Jen L., Awesome attracts awesome. Which is why you’re my friend.

  11. Every day I read what you have to say and it’s a little break in the clouds where some happy sunshine peeks through.
    So glad for your happy and so grateful for the hope.

    Casey Reply:

    @Joules, If only I knew how to paint happy little trees to go with the happy sunshine. ;)

    xoxo

  12. Rock on girl. Baby is adorable..but what I must comment on is the the cat..the picture…the bell does it for me..it totally does!

    Casey Reply:

    @Shan, It’s shiny!

  13. I swear that baby is just made of pure happy.

    And you are SO not doing it wrong. You’re the one showing the rest of us how to do it right!

    Casey Reply:

    @Colleen, Well, she’s made of some other stuff. But I don’t take pictures of that… ;)

  14. You’re doing it exactly right! Enjoying every moment, big and small. Drinking in the love of life! I am so happy for you.

    Molly, I am praying for you girl!

    Casey Reply:

    @Jen, See, that nurse needed to go sit on a tack.

  15. I loved this post so much! Your paragraph that starts with “To anyone who may be out there fighting to come back?…” made me cry because my dad suffers from manic schizoprhenia. Thankfully he takes meds and is doing well.

    I love your blog and all the words you write, whether serious, funny, important or just happy-silly always touch me in a “here comes the sun” kind of way – thank you!

    Love and blessings to you and your beautiful family…ALWAYS!

    Casey Reply:

    @Nellie, Oh, your daddy. I can’t imagine how hard it has to be to see your daddy go through such a difficulty. I’m glad to hear he’s well.
    Thank you so much for your kind words…I figure it can’t be bad to send out happiness and hope to get some in return.

  16. Zutano!! I love your colors.

    Steph

    Casey Reply:

    @Adventures In Babywearing, Emily found it at a thrift store for about $1. Go figure.

  17. I am so so so happy for you. xoxo

    Casey Reply:

    @Jen, Thank you thank you.

  18. I had an LDS therapist tell me to count my blessings once. How is that ever appropriate in therapy?

    Casey Reply:

    @Q, It’s not, which is why I won’t use therapists of my particular faith.

  19. I’m glad that everything is so sweet. I really am.

    Casey Reply:

    @Marta, Thank you. I am too.

  20. You deserve this Casey. Soak up every second of happiness. It is real and it is yours.

    Casey Reply:

    @Lindsey, Thank you and I am and it’s wonderful.

  21. Looks to me like you’re doing everything RIGHT! Love your baby, love your cat (seriously…he looks almost identical to our cat, Cooper…well, except for the extra digits and missing eye. But other than that, they could be twins!)!! Love on your loved ones because THAT is the path to true happiness! *So happy for you!*

    Casey Reply:

    @Beth, I love that cat so much it’s insane.

  22. Aww. I am so happy for you! sounds like you are ROCKING happy, and you deserve it.

    Casey Reply:

    @Jenn, Oh thank you, and I’m finally beginning to realize that I do deserve it.

  23. You’re amazing! Love how you can put this into words.

    xoxo

    Casey Reply:

    @jyl, Thank you, I’m grateful I’m able to use words for this purpose.

  24. 8 more months of school then I can start to build the life I want. I told my boy last night I was tired of fighting. He told me I’ve come this far and that giving up now would be a waste. But I’m sure as you know, it’s just not that easy…somehow I muster the strength to keep trucking through the day. I’m so glad you’re happy, it gives me hope. Keep posting pictures of that adorable little pudding of a baby; a baby’s smile fixes everything, even if just for a moment.

    Casey Reply:

    @Brit, When Cody was in school I kept saying “Once Cody’s done with school then I can be happy…” turns out he finished school and we forgot about each other and about ever wanting to be happy. The same thing happened to my sister, she kept waiting for things to get better but they never did.
    No matter how I feel I too have to keep trucking through and making the best of each and everyday I have.

  25. If depression has given me anything, it’s that I appreciate the moments of sweetness so. much. more. than I did before. Each moment of happy is amplified by a million now that I know what it’s like to miss those moments.

    And when I am in the pits? It’s posts like these that I have a whole file of to remind me that I can claw my way back again.

    <3

    Casey Reply:

    @Katie, I so hope you don’t know the same kind of pain this time around. It will truly change everything if you don’t have to fear it or deal with it.

  26. People like that nurse make me stabby.

    So happy you’re so happy.

    Casey Reply:

    @punkinmama, Anyone who clears their throat around me repetitively gets the stink eye from me.