There is this indescribable warmth that comes from holding a sleeping baby.

When you have to put them down you are left with this very odd sensation, sort of like being cold…but also that you are missing something.

I was supposed to take Vivi to the doctor yesterday for her 6 month visit but before we had to leave, this happened.

oh she fits so well.

We were 20 minutes late to the doctor’s office. Sorry about that.

When it came time to put her to bed, again, I couldn’t put her down.

I held her as she slept until the big one insisted that I come downstairs and play with her.

She’s in her bed now, fast asleep and I am sitting here with that strange and cold empty feeling in my arms.

It’s not a sad feeling, or even a lonely one.

Even if I held onto her forever she’d still get bigger.

addie and vivi

I spent so long without a baby that to spend any time without her now that she is here feels wrong.

These two.

addie and vivi

They make parts of my soul tingle that have been dead for so long.

Comments

  1. OMG, she has gotten so big! A lot more hair now :)

    Casey Reply:

    @molly, I think it’s the same amount of hair, it just got long enough to lay down.

  2. Any you gave me goosebumps. As you usually do.

    Amy
    My last post is “I am… Penn State…”

    Casey Reply:

    @Amy – Hamlet’s Mistress, I can’t get goosebumps today, I shaved and need it to last longer than 24 hours. ;)

  3. She’s adorable! And I do the same thing every day with my little one… She’ll stop slumbering in my arms soon enough, so when she does, I just want to soak it all in (even if it IS at 3AM! … though at that hour, I often have to REMIND myself to enjoy it)

    Casey Reply:

    @meekasmommy, Yes, at 3 am I’m grateful we have a very comfy chair in her room.

  4. Jill Dettman says:

    Soul tingles. That phrase exactly fits how I feel about mothering my own sweet small boy. At seven, my chances to hold him are less than they used to be, I still drop everything when he asks to sit in my lap. That his favorite way to fall asleep is lying on my chest -still, at his age- gives me inexplicable joy. Good for you for putting words to your joy and sharing it with the world!

    Casey Reply:

    @Jill Dettman, I have to sneak in and snuggle the big one, she won’t sleep on me, near me or around me for nothing.

  5. It’s not nice to make your friends cry.

    Casey Reply:

    @Just Shireen, It’s not nice to make your friends think of skinned muppets every time they see a cozy coat.

  6. Oh this is the best.

    Steph

    Casey Reply:

    @Adventures In Babywearing, These littles are the best.

  7. I know that feeling..and oh my gosh..you have described it perfectly! A doctor’s appointment can always be rescheduled..snuggle, play, enjoy your babies! This post makes me happy!

    Casey Reply:

    @Shan, The only thing better is grabbing a warm sleepy baby out of bed that just woke up.

  8. They are so sweet. My 11 year old self is SO JEALOUS that you straighten Addie’s hair for her! My hair got curly at puberty, and my mom (who has always had really fine short hair because it doesn’t like to grow) had no idea what to do. :)

    Casey Reply:

    @Elizabeth, It takes so long and there are SO MANY complaints that it’s barely worth it…your mom probably did know what to do but didn’t want to hear the complaining. Although I’m sure you never complained about anything, right? ;)

  9. These sentiments are so familiar. I know I won’t have more babies, which makes that coldness nip spitefully at me sometimes, but yesterday as I walked home from the bus stop I realized something. We were holding hands and my oldest was telling me a story, her eyes locked with mine. It isn’t a cuddle, but holding her gaze, hearing her, really listening to her story, felt like a new kind of cuddle.

    Casey Reply:

    @Amanda, Exactly, I became much more in tune with Addie when I thought there would never be a Vivi. We have a little language all our own.

  10. You continue to make me sigh.

    Oh, I get it.

    I so get it.

    My favorite time of the day is when I hold my Vivi. My second favorite time of the day is when Vivi and Lila are playing together… laughing.

    Casey Reply:

    @Kylee, If the whole world had Vivi’s then no one would ever know sadness.
    Or something like that.
    But ours would still be the best.

  11. I wish she knew what to do, she didn’t. When my hair was little and straight it was up to my aunt to do the cool french braids and things. She could do a ponytail and that was about it. She has always had short hair and/or curly permed 80′s hair. :) But yes it was a nightmare trying to accomplish anything ’cause I’m tenderheaded and a perfectionist. No More Tears and bangs are pretty much what saved the day when I was wee. :D

    Casey Reply:

    @Elizabeth, I barely know how to braid my own hair. True story.

  12. Your children make my soul tingle and ache. I want onnnnnnne!!!!

    Casey Reply:

    @biddy, Make one of your own, these ones are spoken for. :)
    Besides, they’d whither in Texas heat.

  13. There is nothing better than sleeping baby smush face. We could eradicate depression from the planet if we could somehow bottle it and distribute around the globe.

    Casey Reply:

    @Joules, It’s true. Especially if they are freshly bathed.

  14. Thanks for making me want to have a baby. Must…Not…Give…In.

    Casey Reply:

    @Chelsea @ {twotwentyone}, Give in. They’re like little nuggets of delicious you get to keep for your very own.

  15. I don’t know you and you don’t know me. But one of my very best high school friends from NJ moved all the way to Indiana a few years ago. So in a strange way, I feel a connection to you. SOund weird?
    You make beautiful children. You write beautifully. Thank you for sharing your life and your amazing pictures!

    Casey Reply:

    @kristen, Indiana is all the way? Needless to say she must have very good taste in states in the Union.

  16. This post makes me so happy for you and it gives me hope. Those are two blessed kids.

    Casey Reply:

    @Jenn, I wish I could give everyone hope for Christmas, or you know, Friday.

  17. Your girls are adorable. I don’t know how you get anything done but gaze upon & hold them. Srsly.

    One question though: When did Addie morph into a young Dakota Fanning? (Please see last photo). ;)

    Casey Reply:

    @Debra, She’s gotten the Dakota Fanning thing here and there for a few years now. I of course think she (Addie) is far more wonderful.

  18. I hear you friend, I never want to put my littlies down!
    Oh, and Addies hair straight?! So cute!

    Casey Reply:

    @Amy, She looks like shes 20 with her hair straight, though I oblige.

  19. Sleeping babies are magical. I wish I could hold one all day long.

    Casey Reply:

    @Domestic Extraordinaire, You and me both.

  20. Wow! Does anyone else see a resemblance between Addie and a young Dakota Fanning in that (lovely) pic???

    Casey Reply:

    @LiseM, You’re not the only one!

  21. Random, but I think your skin looks great in that picture!

    Casey Reply:

    @Jamie, Oh thank you, makeup and a flash can do wonders. :)

  22. Awesome post! I knew the exact feeling after reading the first sentence, and I totally can’t blame you for being late to the doctor’s office. :) Your girls are beautiful!

    Casey Reply:

    @Jocelyn @ ScooterMarie, Naturally the one time we have to be somewhere is the only time she fell all smooshy asleep on me.

  23. Oh those girls… they get prettier with every picture.

    Casey Reply:

    @Colleen, And you get more kind with every comment. :)

  24. This is totally unrelated. We are driving through the Hoosier State right now and I thought of y’all. The sky is freaky but the music is good. Props to Indiana on good music stations, border to border on I-70. My husband and I have both enjoyed many half-forgotten gems today.

    Casey Reply:

    @Jenny, I know nothing of Indiana radio aside from Disney and XM radio. But I’m glad you liked it!
    Y’all come back soon!

  25. Ug. This totally resonates with me. I used to rock and rock and rock Anna looooong after she was asleep because I physcially hurt to lay her down. I was so aware of how fleeting infany is and how very long I had waited to experience it. I loved every.single.second of it.

    Just writing about it here gives me that same pain inside that I got laying her down! Bitter sweet, these babes. Bitter sweet.

    Vivi is so cute. Wanna bring her to kc??? :)

    Casey Reply:

    @Sarah, I do want to bring her to KC! I DO I DO!
    I’ll tell you what, I could be a co-sleeper in a heartbeat.