It’s no secret that I’ve been feeling tops lately.

When I try to narrow it down to just one or two things that are really doing it for me…I can’t. I think I’m just at a point where everything seems to be humming along at a manageable pace. Yet at the same time I am actively trying to keep *this* up more than I ever have. I have a reason to fight and I am fighting.

tiny baby.

Hard.

Could it be just one thing? Sure. Could it be the perfect harmony of all the things I am doing? I guess so.

But I also feel as though I should add a disclaimer here.

I still have moments of struggle. Hard ones where I feel overwhelmed and beat. At one point I had to ask Cody to come home so I could dig out, I knew if I tried to do it all on my own I would have crashed and everything I have so well balanced right now would have shattered into unrecognizable pieces that couldn’t have been recovered easily.

I guess you could say that it’s not so much about being happy as it is about having a really strong rebound.

I use my SAD lamp every morning as soon as I wake up. Vivi lies next to me in bed for a half an hour as we soak up our daily artificial sunlight. I don’t think it really matters what kind you have, what matters is that you use it and use it everyday.

One of the things I do each day when I sit in front of my SAD lamp is read scriptures. Out loud. Not only does it give Vivi something to listen, it makes me really focus on them. I am capable of making a grocery list, a laundry list and tactical war plans in my head all while attempting to read something. I have really tried to pay attention to what the scriptures say…especially now that I’m hot and heavy into Isaiah. Dude is heavy. God is important to me and I have felt that by starting my day out with Him I’m better prepared for what may come. I would think reading anything uplifting would have the same effect for those who do not actively practice any particular religion.

I pray at least twice a day. Sometimes out loud, sometimes in my head, sometimes on my knees and sometimes curled up in the fetal position, what matters is that I do it.

I take an iron pill, vitamin C and fish pills every morning with my breakfast. A really good Omega 3-6-9 combo will supposedly have every good effect under the sun on you, including mental well being. Hooey or not, I take them and always have. Also? Eat breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. Being hungry doesn’t do anyone any good.

I keep busy. Obviously. This one is pretty self explanatory. But I have also learned how to say no.

I keep the bad stuff out. No bad TV shows, no bad books, no bad movies, no bad influences. It’s really hard to hate anything when you don’t let hate into your life.

I take my medication every night. I finally feel as though I am on the right one for me. I am capable of highs and lows, ups and downs but without any dramatic side effects or mood changes (well, every 28 days there’s some *minor* mood fluctuations.) I feel…dare I say it…normal.

Then of course there is the big kid, the baby, the cats and my husband. I love my home. I love everyone who lives here. I love hanging out with them. My home is a safe refuge for me where I can keep the bad out and for the most part only let good in. I think everyone needs a place where they feel safe.

Home is my safe place.

Hopefully this continues for a very long time.

While I am here…I’ll just be around, you know…smiling and stuff.

my baby and me.

Comments

  1. Noelle Pulliam says:

    OK I have to ask- are you interested in doing our family picture…very soon??

    Casey Reply:

    @Noelle Pulliam, Yes. Yes I am.

    But only if you bring your dog along.

  2. I love reading your words of hope and joy and seeing your happy face and those of your happy kids and happy kitties. But this post meant a lot to me as someone who has been struggling and just had a loss that makes me concerned for my grip in that struggle.
    This post reminded me of the fellowship I found in the rooms of NA, CA and AA back in those former dark days. It was always so motivating and inspiring to hear of those who had made it through the darkness into the light and to hear how they had done it and how they were managing to maintain it.
    So thanks for the mini meeting of Depression Anonymous. Imma take my light box upstairs now like I said I would several weeks ago and work on crushing this mutha.

    Casey Reply:

    @Joules, Depression anonymous. I like it.

    Hi, my name’s Casey (hi Casey) and I have depression.

    xoxo

  3. i just have to say that i can so relate to this. everyday i focus on the good in my life and there is so much. i sometimes make a list, if the bad stuff starts to take over, and then i remember how truly blessed i am. your writing always brings a smile to my face :) i think you are pretty fabulous!

    Casey Reply:

    @jonelle, Aw shucks, thank you. I tried doing the Oprah list thing but kind of adapted into my own little version.

  4. This post came at the perfect time for me. I have been teatering on the edge for a few months and I realize that it is something I have to work at. I can not just rely on the medication or the vitamins or the sleep or what ever it is….I also have to control the negativity I let into my world. Thank you for helping me realize this.

    Casey Reply:

    @Lindsey, This is honestly the first time I have taken such an active role in my well being. I’m not sure why I never did it before…I guess it’s maybe because I never worked on it before I crashed…and by the time I was in the trenches I didn’t have the energy to take care of myself.

  5. I live in Chicago and drive down to Bloomington, Indiana every few weeks to see my boyfriend. When I drive through Indy, I wave to mooshinindy. Your blog really resonates with me. There is great strength in your honesty about depression. Thank you. Ps. Got the light- love it.

    Casey Reply:

    @Amy, Stop by sometime! We’ll have pastrami, or cupcakes.
    Your boyfriend can wait. :)

  6. So glad you are taking care of yourself so you can take care of that wonderful family! Keep smiling :)

    Casey Reply:

    @Jenn, And they need an awful lot of care or they’d just be eating cereal.

  7. So happy for you. I love the pictures, seeing the happy the happy pictures put a genuine smile on my face.

    Casey Reply:

    @Shan, Thanks doll face. Makes me happy to look at them too.

  8. This post makes ME smile. God is good.

    Casey Reply:

    @Amy- Hamlet’s Mistress, He really is. I’m going to bring Him a cupcake or something, and then hug Him for a long time.

  9. It makes me happy to see all of these happy posts, even though your sad posts are [partially] what got me back on the upswing. I like this up place. I hope I can stay here for a while.

  10. My husband and I were talking about this stuff this evening, about what I need to keep up as functional, if not content and happy. I feel for him because this illness is not what he thought he was getting in to when he married a perky 19 year old. But we’re figuring it out and every single day I am thankful that he still wants to be married to me.

  11. :)

    (That’s all I have.)

  12. This makes me feel very warm and happy inside.

  13. we you have that whole “depression thing” in your background sometimes it’s hard to accept the happiness. but you have to just remember to say “thank you”…and that’s what you did!

    xoxox

  14. Just a tip… Isaiah is intense, but so is Jeremiah, except he’s way more weepy. Stay away from him except on days where you feel insanely strong, or feel as if you need some empathy.

  15. Hooray for the smiling face!!! You are rocking it. :)

  16. YES. Thats the first thing that came to mind. I am so happy for you Casey. I’m pretty much there. No babies of my own (need a husband first) but I’ve got a few cuddly babies (and other things) that are making me smile :)

  17. Oh, I’m so happy to see you happy. You glow in every picture!

    I don’t have a SAD lamp — I should probably get one — but on rainy, dreary days, I sit next to the window with the big light on as a sort of replacement. I love the mornings when the sun shines through the window where I’m sitting.

  18. So glad you are feeling so good! I am just starting selling Juice Plus. I have been taking it for 4 months, as well as my 2 boys and they love it! It is not a vitamin, it is considered a “whole food” because they are vine ripe picked fruits & veggies with whole grains, and are dehydrated into capsule and chewable form. It’s great b/c they offer a free child study for children ages 4 – college age, with the purchase of an adult supply. It costs less than $1.50 a day. Much less than buying the full recommended serving of fresh fruits and veggies that aren’t even as nutrient fresh!
    I had a party to help my cousin out. 5 friends bought, so it helped me cover the cost for me and my boys. Since I love the product I have started selling. It’s a great way to help friends live healthier (less sickness and is restorative) and make a little extra money.
    I was at a training last night and a team member took it and it helped her depression. After 6 weeks of Juice Plus, she no longer takes medication. If you are interested, check out my website.
    http://www.kpiccolasharesjuiceplus.com

  19. Thank you for this post, Casey! I’m so glad you’re doing well but it’s also helpful to know that you work hard at being well some days. I can certainly relate! Oh and I’ve been using my SAD lamp every day and I do think it’s helping! :)

  20. I don’t know anyone who deserves it more.

  21. That happy face gives me a happy face.