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does infertility hurt less later?
December 2, 2011

Yes and no.

But mostly yes, for me at least.

After almost five years of an ugly struggle with infertility, I came to peace with it in late 2009. Nothing could have gotten me there sooner, it was something that had to resolve itself in its own time. I wrote this the day before I found out I was pregnant. It remains one of my most favorite things I’ve ever written as I could only write it after going through what I had experienced..

Within Vivi’s first three months, best friend became pregnant with her fourth by surprise and my only sister became pregnant after a month without any struggles.

The news of both thumped me in the heart pretty hard, but they weren’t the sucker punches they would have been a year earlier.

I am excited to have to new little boys in my life, one in January and one in April.

I can hear pregnancy news and respond to it with the genuine joy it deserves.

I don’t see swollen bellies everywhere I go.

I can still read the words of someone who is stuck in the murky thick of infertility and know the uniquely exquisite pain that envelops their heart.

I can think about getting pregnant again and focus on the end result, not the gut wrenching journey it takes to get there.

This baby has been the best thing to ever happen to me, I just had to go through everything else first to be able to appreciate her.

Cody, Addie and I were good, but with Vivi we’re great. I’m finally to a point in my life where there is so much wonderful the misery has a hard time ever making it to the surface.

I wish every life story could have a chapter in it like the one I’m living right now, or at least give hope to your current story that you will end up happy. I don’t know how, on what timeline, or how long it will last, but it will happen and when it does I wish even more that you are able to recognize and enjoy it.

To those of you who are still fighting for your babies? Keep fighting.

wrists and toes

They are so worth it.

Related posts:

  1. on infertility and closure.
  2. the one about sports and infertility.
  3. the one about the infertility title lost, but not forgotten.
  4. when infertility affects friendships.
  5. when the have/have nots met the woulda/shouldas

Comments off.

By Kim on 12.02.11 2:57 pm | Permalink

Does this go for marriages to? Especially one that is ending? I need some serious hope in my heart. I hurt.

Casey Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 3:02 pm

@Kim, Only if you come to Indiana and marry me. Otherwise I can make no promises.
xoxoxoxoxo to the moon and back.

By Christine on 12.02.11 3:09 pm | Permalink

I so needed this today. Headed to the doc on Monday to maybe start a IUI cycle.

Casey Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 7:54 pm

@Christine, Oof. Good luck.

By Kylee on 12.02.11 3:36 pm | Permalink

Oh, why is that each time I visit your blog you strike some sort of chord and I cry?

You and me? If we lived closer? We’d be amigos and our Vivi’s would play together.

I’m so glad that this chapter is so great.

Casey Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 7:54 pm

@Kylee, Si. I agree. But if anyone’s going to see anyone I’m coming to Cabo.

By Rose on 12.02.11 3:39 pm | Permalink

Never had a hard time getting pregnant with the girls, but it took me three years to have Noah! We gave up the moment we moved to New Jersey and realized we were only meant to have three girls. Then a couple of months after settling in…without even trying anymore, I became pregnant with Noah! The wait was worth it…even at 38 years of age!

Casey Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 7:55 pm

@Rose, He’s your bonus surprise baby!

By jenni williams on 12.02.11 3:58 pm | Permalink

I know exactly how you feel. After six years of loss and negative tests, we got our miracle. Words aren’t enought to describe how she has changed things for us. The pain from what we went through has faded, it will always be there, but snuggling Arabella makes it all worth it.

Casey Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 7:55 pm

@jenni williams, exactly.

By Shan on 12.02.11 3:59 pm | Permalink

Not many people know this or would guess because I have four kids..but I had infertility issues twice..and had to go through testing and poking and prodding and medicines to get my first two babies. So I do understand. My third baby was a surprise, a little bonus the good Lord thought I needed…11 months after my second child..and the 4th, well I was blessed that he just came right along when we wanted him to. But that doesn’t lessen the heartache and struggles I went through to have my first two. I am blessed with four fabulous angels, and couldn’t ask for anything more. They are most definitely worth it.

Casey Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 7:56 pm

@Shan, I have become very careful not to assume anyone’s fertility based on the number of kids they have. It’s hard no matter what or how long it takes.

By QuatroMama on 12.02.11 4:01 pm | Permalink

I related to this so much, Casey. Thank you for putting this into words that you are able to paint so well.

Love you!

Casey Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 7:56 pm

@QuatroMama, Love you way more. And those cute boys.

By JJ on 12.02.11 4:19 pm | Permalink

As always, you hit it right on. Thank you.

Casey Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 7:56 pm

@JJ, Thank you, and you’re welcome. xo

By Emily on 12.02.11 4:20 pm | Permalink

Great post. Thanks so much. I have come to terms with our struggles after two years of trying and in fact am not trying anymore – we will again when it is right for us. For me it was one trip to an adoption agency that lead me to the calm of knowing that one way or another we will be parents. It doesn’t make ppl getting pregnant on the first try that much easier, but it does help knowing that truthfully everything happens for a reason. And when I get my son or daughter, it will be exactly how it was supposed to be. Not sure I would appreciate parenthood any other way. xo

Casey Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 7:58 pm

@Emily, I fought so hard because I never got that feeling that adoption was the path for us just yet. I have so many friends who have adopted and from their stories there was a moment they just *knew* that it was the right thing for their family. I never had that but I’m not saying it will never happen.

By Cheryl on 12.02.11 4:33 pm | Permalink

Thank you for your post. Infertility sucks, and then after receiving one miracle, being forced to choose infertility again.

Casey Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 7:58 pm

@Cheryl, Secondary infertility really is a monumental mind mess.

By Sarah on 12.02.11 5:24 pm | Permalink

<3 Your happy makes me happy.

Casey Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 7:59 pm

@Sarah, Thanks darling. :)

By Amy on 12.02.11 6:32 pm | Permalink

I think it might have been when you found out about your sister’s pregnancy you tweeted something about being happy for your sister and still sad for your struggles all at the same time and that those feelings were ok.

I’ve never struggled with infertility, but those words have stuck with me for months. I have my own struggles dealing with my c-sections and my feelings about others vaginal births. Your words really helped me then and I think that they are very appropriate here too.

It’s ok to be happy for others while still honoring your own feelings and it’s ok to move past them.

Casey Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 8:00 pm

@Amy, Oh my, it means a lot to hear that. It took so long to get to this point and I hurt so many people on the way here so that I can help in any way…it means a lot to me. Thank you.

By Bethany on 12.02.11 10:30 pm | Permalink

as usual casey, well said.

Casey Reply:
December 3rd, 2011 at 11:31 pm

@Bethany, Thanks, love.

By Melissa on 12.02.11 10:52 pm | Permalink

I have loved following your journey (although I’m giving myself away here – I usually just stalk you through the internet rather than commenting!) I hadn’t read that post, but boy oh boy does it add up with one I just recently wrote. I can’t begin to compare my story with those of you who have been in the trenches of this for so long – 8 months and a miscarriage isn’t fun, but it’s certainly no 5 years. The emotions are the same. The ache is the same. And your words? Life raft. Thanks for them, and may babies always chase away yuckies.

Tam Reply:
December 3rd, 2011 at 12:12 am

@Melissa, 8 months and a MC for me too.

a life raft… absolutely.

Casey Reply:
December 3rd, 2011 at 11:32 pm

@Melissa, I can’t even imagine adding a MC into everything I went through, that’s a whole other level of pain I can’t even pretend to understand, but my heart goes out to those who are familiar with it.

By Tam on 12.03.11 12:10 am | Permalink

I have my perfect angel, the baby that makes every day better, richer, more perfect.

But I feel like our family is not complete. We almost had another in June, and almost hurts.

When I look at the perfect person we created, sometimes I feel guilty for wishing (praying!) for more. Like maybe I’m greedy…
That’s when I remember that infertility stings.

Casey Reply:
December 3rd, 2011 at 11:33 pm

@Tam, I felt greedy too, but there’s nothing wrong with hoping and loving the babies you know are out there for you.

By Carly on 12.03.11 12:47 am | Permalink

gosh i needed that tonight. your journey gives me hope. thank you for sharing.

Casey Reply:
December 3rd, 2011 at 11:33 pm

@Carly, That makes me so happy. Not that you’re hurting, but that you have hope.

By Natalie on 12.03.11 1:35 am | Permalink

I have a cousin who is finally living the chapter you’re living. She tried for over 2 years to get her little boy…he’ll be six this month. She’s had several losses since, including a still born. And now, she’s 9 months pregnant. She had a cerclage to keep her pregnant this time and it was taken out this week. Anytime now she’ll give birth to a little girl. Finally, she’ll get that second child she’s longed for. :) I’m happy for both you and her, you both seem like wonderful moms.

Casey Reply:
December 3rd, 2011 at 11:34 pm

@Natalie, Thank you, I wish her all the happiness in the world.

By jenny on 12.03.11 2:04 am | Permalink

A dear friend of mine once commented that she has never known a woman more quick to tears than one who longed for a child.

Sing it, Sister.

Over 1,500 days, more than 200 weeks… 50 times that my body has screamed “failed again!”… and still those tears come so easily.

Blessings to you and your family. You write and share beautifully.

Casey Reply:
December 3rd, 2011 at 11:35 pm

@jenny, I have a post I never published called 60 eternities. You get it.

By Nichole on 12.03.11 11:04 am | Permalink

Oh…just oh.

Coming off a failed Clomid/IUI cycle and having just popped my 3rd day of Clomid for this cycle, all I can do is sob when I read this.

Thank you for your words here…for offering a salve for so many of us who need it.

Casey Reply:
December 3rd, 2011 at 11:36 pm

@Nichole, Oof. You’re in the thick of pregnancy math. I remember those like yesterday. Hugs to you darling. Here’s to this month.

By Tonya on 12.03.11 2:19 pm | Permalink

I love this and will bookmark to re-read when I need a little extra encouragement.

So happy that Katie sent this to me.

Hugs to you. xoxo

Casey Reply:
December 3rd, 2011 at 11:36 pm

@Tonya, That Katie, she’s good people.

By JJ on 12.03.11 4:39 pm | Permalink

I read this post yesterday, and returned again today for courage, and for comfort. We just learned a cousin will be picking up their new baby this week, an exciting time for them, but one that still brought sorrow to me heart. Try as I may, I cannot forget completely the pain and anguish of 8 years ago, when we learned the adoption world was closed to us. permanently.

I don’t think the pain will ever completely go away, but I hope through all of this I can gain some empathy and compassion for others who will, and who are walking this sad road after me. It’s all I can hope for now.

Casey Reply:
December 3rd, 2011 at 11:37 pm

@JJ, You’ll be blessed for leading the way and grow stronger and more compassionate in ways you could have never imagined.

By Christine on 12.03.11 8:02 pm | Permalink

Beautifully said…

Casey Reply:
December 3rd, 2011 at 11:37 pm

@Christine, Thank you.

By Jamie on 12.03.11 11:40 pm | Permalink

I couldn’t tell people to read this fast enough. Beautiful

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