December 14th, 2010 ended with me sitting on the edge of a bathtub in heavy heaving sobs.
Addie turns seven years old tomorrow and as I said last week, this transition from six to seven has been hard from the moment she turned six last year.
After doing everything in my power to give her a spectacular birthday last year and losing to cold weather and circumstances out of my control, she ended up saying horribly ungrateful and rude things to me and I snapped back. I’m not even sure snapped is a strong enough verb for what happened.
I think part of the reason tomorrow is weighing so heavily on me is because on that day last year I felt myself break.
I felt myself fall apart.
I saw and felt everything come crashing down.
Usually my descents into depression are gradual, imperceptible even. However 364 days ago I barreled into one of the worst episodes of my life after what could only be considered the worst parenting moment of my life.
I hate that my depression affects my kid, specifically that it affected Addie so hard on her birthday last year and the resulting anxiety is looming in the wings this year.
Thankfully *this* is what she remembers from last year.
I only wish I could say the same.
Tomorrow will be filled with wonderful surprises for my oldest. The one who has my ears, my smile and my stubbornness. It may not be exactly what she has planned out in her head, but it’s the best I can do.
I hope you understand my love.
Happy birthday eve.
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