I am back.
And not just a “I am back on my own blog after spending five days in Nashville” kind of way.
No, *I* am back. The girl I like taking places and introducing to people. The girl that likes to hang out with her friends, make new ones and dance.
Oh how I love to dance.
I’ve cried no less than three (maybe four?) times because when I look in the mirror ever single part of me is happy. It is burning like an ember from inside my heart and can be felt to the tip of every hair on my head. The voices in my head love me, they tell me I am good enough, I am smart enough and that I do good things in this life. Ahead of me I see dreams that are attainable and possible because I never gave up.
The most horrible photo was taken of me last night. Let’s just say that when taking photos of people dancing, attempt to catch them in the air rather than coming down, gravity is a cruel mistress when a dancing soul arrives to the ground again.
I laughed so hard at it I stopped breathing, I went into that sort of breathless squeal that happens when you’re all out of breath but your body still begs to laugh. I laugh because it was a horrible photo, but also because in my head I looked like a fly girl out there dancing. Despite seeing a dozen photos that proved I am far more dowdy than diva, I don’t care, because last night I danced on a stage with a hundred girls who speak to my heart to a song that is a good memory in and of itself.
Everything inside of me is so happy and healthy that the outside is glowing in an indescribable way. It’s an amazing feeling, to realize you’re living a dream you never even knew you had.
I have more dreams…wild and crazy dreams that began as quiet tappings in my heart and I sit here with the insane knowledge that someday, maybe even someday soon, my dreams are going to become reality. I can see myself in the future connecting back with the feeling I have today of utter contentment and joy…it’s going to be an amazing moment.
I am back. And I’m better than I have ever been.
Unfortunately that means I had to be tossed, thrown, beaten, bruised and stomped on by life to become better…but I made it.
I have dreams to look forward to and for the first time I don’t live in fear of the darkness overtaking me.
Now is the time I turn around and look back at all of you being thrown, tossed and beaten by life.
I will stand here screaming, cheering and yelling at you to keep going.
I will scream until I’m hoarse and cheer for you until I collapse.
Today I picture God in heaven smiling at me – I can hear Him whispering to my heart that this is what He prepared me for.
*This* being a level of happiness, gratitude and contentment that could never be savored by an undamaged soul.
“A man must dream a long time in order to act with grandeur, and dreaming is nursed in darkness.” -Jean Genet