It’s like juggling. (I mean, not really because I can’t juggle.)

Maybe it’s like that Simon game, did you ever play that?

Simon

It had four different colored lights and sounds and it would give you a pattern, you’d have to follow the pattern back and every time you successfully did it would add a new light and sound to the pattern. You’d have it in your head, the little rhythm, the sounds, the lights. Beep beep boop beep bop boom boom beep!

But then something would happen, the phone would ring, someone would knock at the door, or you’d hear a big ‘thud’ from upstairs.

You’d miss the newest light – so you’d guess.

Beep beep boop beep bop boom boom beep – - boop?

You’d get it right! Phew. Game saved.

But then something else would happen, but not only would you miss the next light, you lost the pattern

Beep beep boop beep bop – - – boom? Boop?  Beep?

Panic sets in.

Suddenly you don’t even remember how the pattern started, what color comes after green or if boop goes with red or yellow.

…..

Either you get the answer wrong or you take to long to answer and you hear a grating “BRRRRRG” sound.

…..

Game over.

You were so close to finishing, getting your highest score ever, and now you’re back to where you started with nothing to show for it but frazzled nerves and sweaty palms.

Something distracted me. The weather? Too many responsibilities? Looming deadlines? Unreachable goals? Inevitable failure? Chemical imbalance? Intimidation? Self esteem?

I’ve forgotten what comes next.

It’s sitting like a lump in my throat. It’s evident in my sweaty and shaky hands. It’s impossible to ignore my heavy pulse.

I’m not gone yet.

I’m teetering.

I’m employing every emergency tactic I can think of and I’m desperately trying to remember what comes next before it all times out.

Comments

  1. Praying for you, Casey! Hang on tight! Whatever this is will NOT last forever. You will come out the other side okay and whole!

  2. Stay strong friend. I’m always here to lean on – even miles away. I love you dearly.

  3. As someone who has been fighting depression and anxiety (without meds, because none of them have ever worked,) I completely understand moments/days like these.

    Anxiety cannot bully you, because you’re strong and have so much light in your life. :)

  4. The good news: you give some of the best advice I’ve ever received on this subject so we know it’s in you. You helped me from falling apart in one short conversation. The strength? You’s gots it.

  5. You DO know what your emergency tactics are, and you’re strong enough to pull the ripcord. You also know when nothing’s working and it’s time to pull out the big guns. Remember when you said that the fear was gone? That you weren’t afraid of this day anymore because you know what to do? YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO. Go do it, and return and report. Don’t shut down. Don’t shut us out. I, for one, will be pestering you gently to let me help. I can’t come to Indy, but I can (and will) email you my address and phone number. If you need to talk, or just have someone on the other end while you sob so you won’t feel alone, call any time, 24/7. Because I just know you’d do the same for me. You can do it. You will make it. We all love you, and we will make sure you do.

  6. Simon says cut things back. Breath and do what you need to. We’re praying for you!

  7. I’m pretty sure our depression runs on a similar cycle. I too have been teetering the line. Praying for you, sweet friend. I hope you figure out what’s needed to catapult you back into the land of deliriously happy (or at the very least, the land of perfectly content) soon. <3

  8. Ohh Betsy! says:

    What comes next is some good time with your Anna.

  9. Sending a prayer up for you Casey. You are strong and beautiful.

  10. Sorry, Casey.

    And, I understand. I’ve been teetering for awhile myself.

    I was on a cruise ship this past week anxious as all get out. (That right there is an example of a first-world problem, I know. Still didn’t make it fun.)

  11. Brittany says:

    praying for you my love. i know exactly how you feel. i am teetering too.

  12. Can I help? Sometimes having someone else help with the pattern makes the game winnable. Xo

  13. Brittany says:

    We can all do this. I just Know we can.
    Thinking about you.

  14. Lauraszoo says:

    Keep swimming Casey! I’ll pray for you.

  15. After a three-ish month reprieve I’ve started teetering here, too. I’m sorry you’re struggling. You’ve been such an inspiration to me, as I know you’ve been to many other people. Keep fighting! You’ve done it before and you can do it again, and you WILL do it again. <3

  16. Man, I loved that game. And I was pretty good too. You know, if you ever want help.

  17. Boop! Boop is next!

    Seriously? You are in my heart. But you know that.

  18. Oh oh oh! Please hang in there, lovely! We are here, we are here…

  19. Casey,

    This calls for watching “Finding Nemo” – get to the part where Dory sings, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…” You can do it. We are all here with you. Even the lurkers like me.

    Mindi

  20. I love you more than you will EVER know! You will get through this…and if you need anything…ANYTHING at all please let me know. I’m here for you ALWAYS!!! XOXOX

  21. teetering…tottering…gone…that’s me. I’m plummeting.

    you always put into words what I’m feeling, about when I’m feeling it. it’s always written so much better too..

    keep your head up. it has to get better for all of us fighting this fight…right?

  22. You’re one of the strongest people I know and sometimes you need to forget the pattern so you can be stronger the next time around. I’m here either way.

    Cordoza

  23. my husband cheats at that game.
    he writes it all down.

    which, is what you do extremely well. and in your case- it’s not cheating, it’s HELPING. you and others!! so many others!

    get some extra hugs today.
    some extra deep breaths.
    you have lots of support around you.

    you’re pretty incredible.

    just like in simon, you have to break it all down into manageable parts.
    and then cheat— write it all down.

  24. Casey – you have many readers circling you, giving you back all the love you have given out…you are strong, you will beat this….

  25. just one of the many here that support you. Also one that knows what it’s like. I’m about to take the plunge known as med change. anxious just thinking about it.

    prayers all the way from texas

  26. Oh, Casey, I’m sorry. Teetering and now knowing how to stop yourself is so difficult. (hugs)

  27. Hang in there Casey, you can do it! You are strong and loved and it’s going to be OK.
    Thinking of you!

  28. Deep breath. Just keep swimming. Your toolbox is full and so is your corner. You got this.

  29. Just keep breathing in and out. You will get through it.

  30. I don’t know exactly what to say. But I can at least tell you that I know. I’ve been there numerous times. I’ve got all the experience in the world with this, unfortunately. But you can DO this. You can get through it. I know it.

  31. I’m sitting here, staring at the screen, trying to come up with a response, and all I can say is “I’m in the same boat.”

    I hope that we all remember the next step, and that we don’t hear the end of the game. Or that someone out there helps us figure it out before it’s “too late”.

    *hugs*

  32. Praying for you,girl!!

  33. Sometimes the knowing you’re on the ledge is worse than the actual falling.
    Hoping that if it does come to falling, it’s only a short distance back to the top.

  34. Hi Casey, You don’t know me and I only know you through mooshinindy, but I too live in Indy. I have a baby girl about the same age as your Vivi. You have helped me to better appreciate all that is good in my life. I would like to help you in return if I can. Want to take a walk with our babies on Saturday (I work full-time, boo)and eat cupcakes? Want to come to a playdate on Sunday? If not, I understand. You obvs have lots of people looking in on and out for you. Prayers your way.

  35. Yellow, Yellow, Red, Green, Red, Red, Green.

    That’s what’s next.

    Trust your faith, trust your family, trust your friends, trust yourself. These will weave together into a net that will carry you through.

  36. Just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you today and sending you lots of good thoughts and love and internet hugs. I hope it helps to know there are people out there thinking of you and wishing all the best things for you. Deep breath, one second at a time, just doing the best you can. Hope today is a good day.

  37. I’ve deleted the last three things I wrote. So I’m going to say what I’d say to you if we were chatting in person. You are so great. Exactly as you are. You don’t need to keep a 100 plates in the air, or even 50. You can let them down, or they can even fall and shatter, and either way you will make magic of what you have left. Keep fighting, keep going. Breathe. Rest. Fight again.

    xoxo

  38. Take it moment by moment, breath by breath. I can relate to how you are feeling. I often have to visualize wrapping my roots down into the core of the earth so that I don’t float and hover above the ground with my anxiety filling me up like a balloon. I’m here for you! You can finish this day!

  39. I’m sorry I just saw this now. I could say all the things that might help, because you know we ALL mean every.last.one. of them. I could tell you how strong you are, that we will lift you up as you falter, that we’ll stop for you to rest when you want to rest. But sometimes what you need is someone to hug you and hold your hair while you cry. That’s what I will do. You can sit as long as you sit; you can cry as long as you need to. The people that love you will still, and ALWAYS, be by your side.
    Xoxo and big Big BIG hugs.

  40. RsqAnimals says:

    I am bipolar too. Over the last year I got violently ill from my meds and am currently terrified to take any. (Lithium was wonderful and calmed my mind but completely shut down my GI system resulting in a 45 lb weight loss in 2 months.) Ive been managing without meds through diet, exercise, sleep and sun therapy. Reading this makes me aware that I still have a fall coming, no matter how hard or long I try. It wont be my fault when it happens just like it is not your fault you are falling right now. Thank you for giving me strength and making me for more normal by having someone I can completely relate to.

    RsqAnimals Reply:

    @RsqAnimals, feel more normal, not for more normal. :o

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