For my birthday Cody and I spent the night at a swanky hotel where we didn’t have to worry about stepping on Legos on our way to the bathroom or shiny trails of baby snot being slimed down our pants.
We had a grownup dinner in a grownup restaurant, we even sat in the bar because that’s where grownups sit even if they only order water with a lemon and Coke. We ate grownup food at our own pace and we didn’t have to cut anyone else’s food into manageable pieces or worry about smashed peas being spit launched into our faces. We stayed up late, went to bed when we wanted to and woke up when we were both ready. No one came into the bathroom while I was showering demanding a snack and I spent 19 hours not having to deal with anyone’s crap, literally.
All in all, it was a wonderful night.
We went out to breakfast where we both ate embarrassing amounts of delicious food that we didn’t have to share and when we came home? We launched right back into real life, which included lots of balloons and a little less snot.
We talked about grownup things. About how 6 years ago today we first came to Indianapolis from Pittsburgh to look at law schools. About how 8 years ago today I found out I was pregnant with Addie. About how we’ve lived in Indiana for half of our married life and how we can’t believe we’ve been here for so long. I honestly couldn’t tell you if it was cold or not today because I spent so much of it next to Cody who puts out a warmth that calms me to my core. My favorite place in the world is right next to him.
Being this in love with someone is both exhilarating and dangerous, I am wholly confident in who I am because of him but at the same time the thought of ever having to be without him causes an ache deep within my chest. He’s loved me since I was 18, through my 20′s and right into 30. I’ve spent so much of my life hating myself. Hating my big nose, hating my thighs, knees and hips, I’ve hated my brain for not working right and I’ve hated myself for not doing more, whatever more is.
This morning I looked and the mirror and realized this body has been with me for 30 years. It’s gained and lost weight, carried two healthy babies and has hugged the people I love through really horrible times. It as danced for me, cooked for me, wrapped itself around my husband and loved him from the moment he became mine.
I came to peace with it.
I apologized for hating it so much and told it that it was doing a pretty bangin’ job of doing what a body is supposed to do.
I read a book once that said women’s’ bodies are like sand dunes. That they are supposed to curve and bend and that over the years they become more and more sculpted by life thus making every dip and arch more beautiful.
As I stared at myself in the mirror today I was finally able to admit out loud I am lovely, and that I have Cody to thank for taking such good care of me through everything.
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” -Lao Tzu