I spent today with my shoulders jammed up into my ears and my jaw clenched.

Now that the sun has set and the two little bodies are tucked warm and safe in their beds I’m realizing just how sore I am from being tied up in a knot all day.

The last few minutes of sunlight were spent locked in the car in my garage on the phone with her, thankfully she was locked in her bedroom at the exact same moment so she completely understood what I meant when I told her where I was.

Today parenting got the best of me and turned me to my worst.

Today my house was not a home, it was a place of survival and laying down the law.

We talked about how we both feel so much better when people we admire admit to struggling on occasion with this parenting gig. We both agreed there’s a middle ground between constant complaining and putting on a face of false joy for the world.

All my parts are tired, but thankful for a fresh start come morning.

it's my 30th birthday. (april 28th)

On Babble: Not Better, Not Worse.

Comments

  1. Parenting, and marriage, can be so tricky. I feel like I can sail along for days and weeks and feel so on top of my game. “Look at me, everyone! You should all take lessons!” next thing I know something comes out of left field and leaves me feeling like I couldn’t parent a rock or outlast a Kardashian marriage. Thank goodness there’s always a chance for do-overs. So glad you have a friend like Emily. I wouldn’t make it as a mother or wife without a few dear friends who keep it real. Hugs.

  2. Erin Marie says:

    I’ve had “those days” far too often lately, but honestly, I’m just glad that I recognize my limit. I’m yelling at my kids less because I am able to see the line looming and I can take a few minutes to calm myself again. It’s a new lesson I’ve learned and I’m grateful for that.

    And yes, it helps to have others you respect admit they have “those days”, too. Helps you not feel like a complete failure because everyone else is doing it “right” and you’re not.

  3. Oh those days. Sometimes I worry that my kids will look back and remember only what a ‘mean mom’ they had because they’ll remember those days. I’ve started asking them for do-overs. Immediately after I yell or cannot be in a moment for them – I say ‘do-over’ and hope they give me one. I give them the same courtesy. Dang this gig is tough.

  4. Those days suck. But it is really, really great to know that everybody has them too.

  5. I need that, too, those confessions or being able to relate. That’s my love language if it qualifies. I don’t know, but I need to know that others are a little like me, too, not always knowing what the heck they are doing and still managing to be okay in this life.

    Love you.

    Steph

  6. Parenting: like walking into a cage match, only you don’t know if you’re facing a cuddly puppy or Andre the Giant.

    Hoping today will be the puppy for you.

  7. There are times I regret having kids – not regretting my kids, but regretting bringing them into a poor parenting situation. Raising them with a smoking (he eventually quit), lying (nope, still doing that), emotionally cheating (once had a virtual wedding with another woman on IRC – no kidding) father and a mother who allows all of this and has her own issues (procrastinates everything, lets things slide until the volcano erupts and I scream myself hoarse, and let’s not talk about eating problems).

    Hang in there, Casey. We’re all flawed, but we all have hope. Reading your posts about depression make me feel that I’m not the only person who has problems, but that things can get better.

    I hope that today is a better day for you.

  8. Ashley Weddle says:

    I completely empathize with everything you said. Yesterday was a day like that for me as well. Between waking up to find sprinkles and coco powder all over the floor from the kitchen to the living room, to seeing pictures my son ‘drew’ in the door of my van with a stick, and finally another one of my children breaking our television beyond repair! I am glad that the days end and tomorrow hopefully will be better.

  9. What a great gift to have a friend who is real with you! I have those days where I am locked in my bathroom and now have been much more transparent about them to others. People just need to know they are not alone. Thanks for being real with us!

  10. There must be something in the air right now, because everyone I know is having “mom” moments of temporary insanity! :) I am so there, too. And, have having friends to laugh the day away with is one of God’s best gifts. I’m glad you those gifts in your friends. Here’s to a new day of being surrounded by His grace–to love, to breathe, to embrace these insane days. Blessings to you!

    Amanda Reply:

    @Amanda, Apparently I need to write comments when I don’t have 3 kids hanging on my legs–sorry for the typos–you know what I was trying to say! :)

  11. I agree with you guys…it helps to sometimes see that even moms we think are amazing have tough moments.

    thank you for trusting us with the truth that you have them too.

  12. I know exactly what you mean. I have been so overwhelmed that I put them in their room so I wouldn’t freak out on my 2 and 3 year old. I was abused as a child and I NEVER want to abuse my kids so it breaks my heart when I feel like that. But they love me any way. And I am working on the depression and anxiety. And I make sure no matter what they know I love them every day. I wish I could give you a hug.
    Amber

  13. Gah. you guys could have called me on three way or something. Does that still exist?

    Really, though, it’s been pull my hair out, yell more than I’d like to admit, days over here lately. Nice to know I’m not alone!! xo

  14. our cycles have finally aligned, I’m convinced. Or maybe we have similar aged children and we have similar personality types and coping skills.

    Regardless, I’m glad I have ya.

  15. Thanks for sharing… There are days I wonder whether I was cut out for this mommyhood badge. Nice to know I’m not the only one!

  16. just blogged about a similar experience…with a trial! Every mother has different trials, and luckily we have a new day to start over and make it right.

  17. I feel guilty when I speak of how it’s not all ideal. (I also for that reason never talk about the ideal times.) I feel like I’m saying that I’m a bad mother or that I don’t want to be a mother or all these people who have it so much worse because they can’t have kids, or they lost their kids, or their kids are sick or their kids are downright demons and aren’t I lucky? It’s all the “but you’re so lucky!” that keep me from mentioning the times I don’t get out of bed or scream inside my head or lose my temper and perhaps beg them to just shut up for just one moment.

  18. Word. Times a thousand. Hope your today was better.

  19. (((hugs)))
    I’m hoping your week improves.

  20. Parenting is without a doubt the hardest thing EVER. Emotionally it is so very very hard.

    On a completely unrelated note- I just HAVE to know where you got those big gorgeous balloons!!!!!!

  21. As you by now undoubtedly know, we all have those days. I seem to be having one of those months. My daughter’s taken to asking me, “mommy, you’re not mad?”
    Mom. Fail.

  22. The worst for me is that when I have these moments/days I’m too stubborn to walk away and be the grown-up. I need my own do-over mechanism installed so I can give myself and more importantly, my kids, a break from me.