My anxiety is not well managed AT ALL. Which leads to all sorts of fun things and by fun things I mean fear of doing anything.
When I think about how long it took to get my depression under control (11 years of constant effort, thank you) the thought of finding a way to control my anxiety leaves me kind of pissed off and grumpy. Thankfully my anxiety isn’t as debilitating as my depression, it’s just kind of obnoxious and annoying and ZOMG WHY CAN’T I JUST ENJOY STUFF ANYMORE? I used to love New York, how busy and loud it is. I loved walking through the streets hearing all the different sounds, smelling garlic one minute and sewer the next. I still love New York, but I kind of have to love her from afar. No Times Square, no Subways, no crowded streets…it’s all a little too much for me now.
If you were to ask me to describe what anxiety is like for me I would tell you that it’s like sitting in a tiny glass bubble where you can see and hear everything going on but you can’t get away from it. It’s as though someone turned up every noise to the point it encompasses my entire brain, I can’t quiet it, I can’t escape it and I can’t even think because it’s so loud and RIGHT THERE. There’s also a sort of tunnel vision thing, stuff gets very dark and blurry around the edges. Maybe that sounds a little crazy, I can only assume it’s different for everyone, but for me it’s like I’m being surrounded by speakers I cannot control the volume on.
Once I make it out alive (I have every time so far! Go me!) I am drained. Like the kind of drained you would feel when your first boyfriend broke up with you but only after you swam the English Channel fully clothed. Mentally, physically, and emotionally DONE-ZO. Naps are really the only option. Naps and gentle reintroduction back into society.
I’ve been working on a way to control it, a lot of deep breathing and meditation. Thankfully I feel more powerful over anxiety than I do depression, perhaps because it’s such a new thing, or perhaps I’ve fought depression for so long my fighting muscles are really strong. Who knows. Regardless, I’m still annoyed by it but recognize it as a very real part of my existence that won’t go away simply because I want it to.
It’s also the reason I would rather go back to the Ohio countryside than New York City if you gave me the choice. (No offense New York, it’s not you, it’s me. I swear.)
Here we are 2013, you and me. I have to admit, I’ve been slightly pessimistic about you, being superstitious and all. But just maybe you could be even better than 2012 (which I doubt, but then again I said things couldn’t get better after 2010 so maybe I should just quit saying BEST YEAR EVER because things do indeed keep getting better.) Like Amy said, maybe there really is only one shoe.