So this one’s new.

My entire body is completely and utterly depressed while my brain stays afloat in a little pharmaceutical lifeboat tossed around on a sea of misery.

Think Life of Pi minus the tiger. (Sub in a one eyed cat with thumbs if you must.)

I still have my wits about me, but attempting to convince my body to come along and catch up already is near impossible. My very wise friend Ami said I’m in mid stumble, you know that panic when you’re not sure if you’re going to land on your feet or completely wipe out? I feel fairly confident I’ll land on my feet, but the underlying terror of face planting hasn’t been this close in a long time. Rather than being completely anesthetized from depression I merely have a local that seems to be keeping my brain function at 50% capacity.

I cry a lot.

All I want to do is hide and sleep.

Eating? Pfft. What’s that?

Showering? Totally overrated.

Changing out of my pajamas? Nope.

Leave the house? Yeah, right.

The biggest difference this time is that my brain is capable of seeing a light at the end of the terribly dark and dreary tunnel. It’s also able to scold the rest of me for being such a useless lump of human. There is a disconnect, my body knows exactly what is going on while my brain is all “SUCK IT UP SOLDIER! WE HAVE THINGS TO DO.” In an attempt to apologize for its bossiness it bought my tired body flowers  yesterday.

my brain bought my body flowers
Things are running a little slower around here. They’re still functioning, but they’re slow.

If I feel this terrible while receiving the help I know I need, I can only imagine how many of you are suffering. Spring is almost here, we’ve almost made it out of another miserable winter alive. Let us all be extra gracious to each other and ourselves over the next few weeks, the sun is out there somewhere. (And clearly Annie never lived in Indiana because according to the weather the sun will not be coming out tomorrow. Or this week. At all.)

How are you doing?

 

Comments

  1. Sunshine says:

    xoxo

    Casey Reply:

    @Sunshine, I know if it’s garbage down here it’s bonus garbage up where you are.

    Nikki Reply:

    Oh how I feel you! I lived in MinneSNOWta for 7 years, but at least there it snowed- which gives you a reason to play at least! Here in Nebraska, it sounds similar to Indiana.

    I actually bought myself a “clocky” alarm clock to get me out of bed- have you heard of these? They roll/hide all over your room till you get up and first find it and then shut it off, hoping it will help as the winter gloom has tucked me under the covers too!

  2. I live in Indy as well and I was thinking on my way into work. I hate these temperatures(last winter spoiled us) but I can deal with the temps if I can have some SUNSHINE!!! This has to be the grayiest winter on record!! Hang in there – we are ALL struggling!

    Casey Reply:

    @Jasmine, Sunshine or lots of snow. All the brown dead stuff is just depressing.

  3. I was thinking about this on my way into work. ( I left out two words)!!

  4. Another Indy-ite here. This weather is KILLING me. My mom recently came to visit and even she had difficulty with motivation to do, well, anything. We watched a lot of Netflix.

    Enough, already!

    Casey Reply:

    @Senora H-B, I don’t remember a winter this bad since I moved here.

    Senora H-B Reply:

    @Casey, You know, I totally agree. This is my 8th winter in Indiana and I think we’ve had more extreme weather – super mild or super snowy/icy – but I don’t recall so much cloud cover in the past. All I know is that I miss Utah/Nevada with all of my heart on days like today.

    May our artificial sun lamps keep us alive, if not thriving.

  5. right there with ya, except I’m eating everything in sight.

    Casey Reply:

    @designhermomma, Oh, did I leave that part out? Because so am I.

  6. I hate this winter. I agree that we were spoiled by last winter. And the summer. I don’t know if there has been a day that’s passed without me begging Joe to please move somewhere warmer. With sun. I don’t know how he can be happy here with this weather. He must be one of the lucky ones, I suppose. My depression has been rearing its ugly head lately, too. Giving me migraines and making me want to do, well, absolutely nothing at all. Hopefully spring will be here soon. We both have our birthdays to look forward to. It’s usually spring-like by then, right?

    Casey Reply:

    @Katie, I think it’s easier for most men. They’re mold, we’re flowers. We need the sun, they just need a place to sit.

  7. Right there with you, sister. Between your post and my phone’s reminder to call the doc, I’m determined to turn this thing around…starting today.

    Casey Reply:

    @Angie, Good luck!

  8. Cheyenna says:

    Hugs from afar.

    Casey Reply:

    @Cheyenna, Is it warm from afar? (Thank you.)

  9. Sarah N. says:

    I know it takes more than sun and sand to ease what ails you, but maybe a visit to a sunny place would help your body catch up to your brain. I suggest San Diego…good weather is almost guaranteed and just looking at the ocean (or walking along the beach) can reset a bad case of the blues for me.
    One thing I’d like you to know is how wonderfully inspiring you are. You are blessed with a gift and so many people appreciate what you do. Your honesty, creativity and sense of humor set you apart. It draws people in. Even people like me that have never met you. You inspire me to be better, and know that feeling “dumpy” (my word for depressed) can be normal sometimes. You are gifted, hilarious and human.
    People are cheering for you from the sidelines. Spring is coming. You can do this. I’m sending you some sunshine to your fb page.
    Now book that trip. : )

    Lindsay Reply:

    @Sarah N., Funny, I was just going to suggest that she come stay with me in LA for a while.

    Casey- you know how things bad were when I lived in Boston for the longest.winter.ever… so I completely understand. (Though I didn’t even have the benefit of the right drugs to help with it!@#$) You know all the things you can do to help yourself, but i think just that knowledge that you WILL make it through another winter is pretty powerful in itself, so hang onto that (even if your body is being a jerk.)

    Casey Reply:

    @Lindsay, LA would just make me feel terrible about myself in other ways. :)

    Casey Reply:

    @Sarah N., Thank you so much Sarah, you have no idea what your comment means to me right now. Thankfully there are two sunny trips in the very near future, one of them involves mouse ears. :)

  10. This is an awful Indy winter! Both my husband and I have been slugs for all of January and February too until this past week. Now we are forcing each other to eat better and work out. Opening all the blinds during the daylight hours – even without sunshine the natural light it better than none. Problem is that I got a migraine by way of a sinus headache last Sunday and had to sleep with an eye mask on all afternoon and miss that lovely sunshine.

    My house faces west so I don’t get decent light AT ALL! :(

    This may help cheer us all up though – Last night I did some retail therapy with my girl – 8. I bought her 2 pairs of super cute sandals for summer – it IS coming…

    Oh and with the time change we will get an additional 78 minutes of daylight a day by the end of March! Woo!!

    Thank you for reminding me that flowers are a great mood booster. I am going to by myself some this weekend!

    Casey Reply:

    @REK981, Oh man, thankfully the side of my house that matters the least faces West.
    Sandal shopping…I can get behind that.

  11. Sorry you aren’t feeling great these days. Cold gray days in NJ have made for a very long winter. I realize it every time we see a short glimpse of sun before it is gray skies again. Hopefully spring comes soon.
    Hang in there!
    Kristen

    Casey Reply:

    @kristen, When the sun does come out, even a glimpse, I smash my face to a window and stay there for as long as the glimpse lasts. My neighbors probably think I’m crazy.

    kristen Reply:

    @Casey, Too funny! The sun came and left and brought some snowflakes. Hope it warms up for my plunge for ALS next weekend in the cold Atlantic.
    I sent you an email, I hope you don’t mind.

  12. Sending Hugs!! I know exactly how you feel, and like I told my husband, I am grateful to know I am not alone in all of this. It is cold and dreary here today, but there is stuff to get done so that means it is time to “suck it up” :)

    Casey Reply:

    @Jamie M., I’m sucking it up from bed in my pajamas.

  13. I totally understand the physical depression and often wish I had the “acceptable” kind of illness that would let me indulge the very heavy desire to sleep and not move. BUT, my brain knows enough to be grateful that I can’t, because I’d probably just stay right there in bed. So…I let my family and obligations act like puppet strings that compel me to move, and keep reminding myself how grateful I am for that. {Because sometimes I can move on my own, and I’m grateful I was able to fake it enough in the meantime to make it through.}

    Casey Reply:

    @Stacey @ Tree, Root, and Twig, Puppet strings, that’s perfectly accurate. Going through the well rehearsed motions.

  14. (((hugs)))

    I’ve been there. Winter is so hard for those who are prone to depression. I made it out alive this time but my anxiety seems to be high right now. I’m always balancing between depression and anxiety. I’m dizzy.

    Casey Reply:

    @molly, One always seems to be a catalyst for the other, unfortunately.

  15. Whitney says:

    Any chance of a move to San Diego someday? It’s 78 degrees today. We’d love to have you. Our toddlers can yell like goats at each other!

    Seriously, though, your perseverance is inspiring. I’m always blown away by the number of people you help just by not being afraid to state the truth of what you feel. Stay strong.

    Casey Reply:

    @Whitney, Dude, I went to San Diego in September and it was magical. But there’s a reason it’s expensive and crowded. I’ll keep it as a place to visit and stay in my cheap Indiana house. :)

    Whitney Reply:

    @Casey, I don’t envy your cold winters, but I DO envy your affordable real estate! Come find me during your next trip to San Diego! I’ll be the one at the zoo trying to keep her two year old from running off to start a new life inside the gorilla enclosure.

  16. I’m so ready for Spring, too. I’m totally over this winter thing.

    Love you, Casey.

    Casey Reply:

    @Amy, It’s not even winter here, it’s just dead and brown. Winter means SNOW! SLEDDING! SNOW FORTS! not dead stuff. :(

    Amy Reply:

    @Casey,
    You know? You’re so right. I’m in southeastern PA and all winter it’s just been cold and wet and gray. We’ve had hardly any snow either. I didn’t even think of that. It’s just been gross. For four months.
    Hopefully brighter days are coming soon. For all of us.

  17. I feel you. I suffer from SAD, too, and I bought the lamp you use, but I struggle to find/make time for it daily, even though it helps me. I keep a mental countdown of the remaining days of winter, and every fairly sunny day, I take a walk outside and soak up as much of it as I can before the clouds come back again. This has been the grayest winter in NJ I have seen in years! Hang in there. You are a tough momma. I appreciate that you blog about SAD.

    Casey Reply:

    @Jaime, Yes, walking outside helps a lot. Seems NJ may be just as bad as Indy according to other comments. The lamp is hard for me lately too, Vivi wants to crawl up the walls, not sit still so I can bask in the glow.

  18. xoxoxo hang in there! sending love!

    Casey Reply:

    @amanda, Thank you love.

  19. I live in Alaska and December kills me, even if the skies are clear enough for sun it doesn’t rise farm enough the horizon for long enough to do more than give us two hours of sunrise then 1 hour of weak sunlightthen two hours of sunset. It’s depressing as hell and honestly lasts from November to the middle of February. Luckily for us it starts picking up by the end of Feb and March is sunny and warm (for us!).
    I know you have the amazing support of your husband and friends and you’ve been through this before so I know you’ll get through this too. I hope that you are treated to sunshine and clear skies soon, because I can’t think of anyone that’s deserves it more than you right now. And that the comments of your readers help.

    Casey Reply:

    @Mar, OH ALASKA. I can’t even imagine. I’ll take some of your snow, you take some of our longer daylight hours, fair trade?

    Casey Reply:

    @Mar, (and thank you for your kind words.)

  20. Indiana can be very difficult this time of year. I have to be very difficult with the sun. I love to have it shining in my house, but I cannot be out in it for any length of time with skin exposed or I burn and turn white (I don’t tan).

    I miss the sun so much. It’s probably one of the reasons why I get a lot more depressed this time of year.

    *hugs* I hope to see you soon.

    Casey Reply:

    @Anjala, Oh honey, I’m in the “burn like a cookie” club as well.
    Hopefully we’ll be together Sunday!

  21. Thinking of you, lady. Hang in there.

    Casey Reply:

    @aly, Thanks lady. xo

  22. I really like your description of mid-stumble: not sure if I’m gonna land on my feet and terrified I’m gonna fall on my face… cause that’s totally where I’m at. Spring break has started on campus… but it’s anything but spring-y. Everyone is gone. Apparently none of my options panned out cause I’m sitting in my room, by myself, terrified. So much time ahead of me, stuck alone with a brain that’s been having trouble simply functioning correctly of late… I don’t know what I’m gonna do. Sometimes I look out and wonder if I’ve got a friend in the world.

    Casey Reply:

    @Sarah, Oh, I know that feeling. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world. Consider me a friend, okay?

  23. I need Spring. Even the flowers on my table are dead… but that doesn’t seem to get me to toss them out. I think I know just how you feel.

    Casey Reply:

    @Colleen – @amadisonmom, Mine are still alive, I have to toss them before they’re ugly and dead or I just get more depressed.

  24. Lindsey says:

    living in indy, 6 months pregnant, longest.winter.ever.
    my poor husband has to suffer through my SAD another month. come on spring!!!

    Casey Reply:

    @Lindsey, Two years ago I was super pregnant and slept through all of it. I think it’s the only way I survived.

  25. Ick! I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in a slump. I totally identify with the “can’t get out of pyjamas” lately. It has me a bit concerned that my fog is about to get a little darker, too. But I just keep holding on. Hang in there, too! The flowers are lovely! :)

    Casey Reply:

    @Heidi, I’m still in the same pajamas when I wrote the post. *ehem*
    (I think I washed them though?)

  26. Gigantic sunshine filled hugs to you, my friend. It is definitely difficult right now for a lot of people. If I had a magic wand, I would shoot you a giant golden orb to brighten your day. And hey, I’m falling down all the time…if you time it right, when you stumble you can fall on me. I’m sure my schlubbiness would make a perfect soft landing. Or something like that. Out of context, that sounds a little creepy…
    Anyway, call me if there’s anything I can help with. Xoxo.

    Casey Reply:

    @Mary, Thanks darling. I’m glad to know that the entire city is in the dumps, I’m not glad they are, but I’m glad I’m not alone.

  27. Eventually this weather is going to get its act together and the sun will come out. When that happens I’m going to come to your house and serenade you with Barry Manilow’s “I Made It Through the Rain.” Start learning the lyrics so you can join in.

    Casey Reply:

    @Ami, I’m looking forward to this day immensely.

  28. For the past nine months of my life I’ve lived in that scary dark place completely crippled by depression and anxiety. I get the body discontinuity of not being able to make your parts feel cohesive. Right now I can’t get pat the burning feeling of fresh tears in my eyes for reasons I’m not really sure of, or just wanting to sort of crumple into the pit of my stomach. I’m so afraid that it will always be like this. I’m scared ill never be happy again. Most days I can only get through with the hope that maybe that will be day that its all over. I know it will. That’s the logic that I say out loud so I can make sure my head actually hears it.

    I get “hermitty” during these times but I desperately want to cry out. I’m crying out. I’m all cried out.

    PS. I love you.

    Casey Reply:

    @Stefanie, Oh honey. I can tell you it will get better and when it does it’s so wonderful if you let yourself enjoy it. Part of the reason I haven’t crumpled completely this time is because I KNOW I can and will feel better, it may just take a little bit longer.
    xoxo

  29. Down in Bloomington the weather is the same. Forcing myself out of the house and to Starbucks today. I’m prone to some really bad anxiety that causes me to want to stay in bed. All these wonderful women that I wish I knew you all IRL!

    Casey Reply:

    @Amy, I could go for the smell of Starbucks right now. It’s a good smell, even if I don’t drink coffee.

  30. Where I live, we are on day three of record-breaking rainfall. The sky is grey and low and claustrophobic. The rain is so heavy that it’s difficult to see. It reflects my mood perfectly. My brain is experiencing record-breaking rainfall.

    Casey Reply:

    @Hillary, It rained here the other day and I wanted to go out in lay in it just to feel SOMETHING besides being in my pajamas in bed. *sigh*
    We’re like a terrible tween emo movie waiting to be written.
    xoxo

  31. I ordinarily struggle this time of year. I’ve had enough of the gray grossness and just want some sunshine. But in January, my daddy died and it’s never felt so gloomy and awful. I’m tired and cranky and not feeling much like my usual happy self. So, I did something out of the ordinary for me — I scheduled an appointment with a therapist and am seeking some help to get through this. Keep your chin up, Casey. We’ll get through this. Right?

    Casey Reply:

    @Jill, Oh dear. Losing someone, especially your daddy, is terrible no matter what. But to have it happen when you’re surrounded by literal gloom and death? Oy.
    xoxo Hoping the therapist can help keep you afloat through the transition.
    We’ll totally get through this.

  32. Caroline says:

    Another Indiana resident here. I am STRUGGLING big time this year. It’s awful. I don’t want to get dressed. Don’t want to get out of bed. Its always cloudy always cold and I am out of things to entertain my preschooler and toddler. Just teetering on the edge here. Thinking of you!

    Casey Reply:

    @Caroline, I woke up today and proclaimed that I HATE EVERYTHING.
    *sigh*
    I’m actually convinced that this weather will never go away. My optimism has been squashed.

  33. I’d hug if I could get off the couch. Keep your eyes on that end of the tunnel. We’ve got to make it there eventually.

    Casey Reply:

    @Joules, Let’s just lie on my couches, they face each other and we can mope across the rug to each other.

  34. Oh I know that feeling all too well sweetie. I hope you feel better soon.

    Casey Reply:

    @Amanda Jillian, Thank you.

  35. The announcement to tell us school was canceled on Friday of last week also mentioned spring coming in 17 days. (And it was said in a super chipper voice.) But, 17 days…17 days…

    Casey Reply:

    @Jennifer, 17 days. At least four of those will be spent in pure sunshine. I CAN DO THIS.

  36. Sending big virtual sunshine your way. We are getting spring mornings here and my moods have lifted. So it will come your way soon, keep believing :)

    Casey Reply:

    @Lenka, I could use a spring morning, like you wouldn’t believe.

  37. One word: Texas.
    It’ll cure what ails ya…well, that and me making cupcakes for you

    Casey Reply:

    @Biddy, Two weeks (less even!)

    Biddy Reply:

    @Casey, yes, but alas I cannot afford Blissdom :*( But I really wanna hug your neck! Can I buy you a cupcake? I’d normally say a drink, but homie don’t play dat.

  38. I know how those days go…and not to mention living in a city with not much to do to take your mind off the gloomy weather doesn’t help. It’s all been clouds, clouds, clouds, and cold and then cold, along with a lot of rain and snow. It’s the end of March, so I’m sick of Spring stalling and never getting here. If I have to put up with another week of this weather, I am going to lose my mind! Where’s my happylight!?!

    Tish Reply:

    @Tish,
    errr..beg of March..lol! Wishful thinking!

    Casey Reply:

    @Tish, I blame the groundhog. He’s a dirty liar.

  39. I utterly and completely know what you mean. That disconnect between knowing it will get better, knowing its not as bad as it seems and feeling the same way. I’m glad that you’re seeing the sunshine on the other side and you’re going to be there so soon.

    xoxo

  40. just….hugs, mama.

  41. My husband has never had issues with depression (other than my issues cast on him, bless his saint-worthy heart) and trying to explain this phenomenon of being part okay and part not okay is so hard. The tumble analogy is just right. But spring is here! YAY!

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