I keep trying to think up some neat and tidy list to sum up the 12 most important events of the last 12 years.

The problem is I’m having a hard time putting words to them.

Last night as we pulled up to the Ritz Carlton and Cody scoffed at valet parking and veered off towards self parking. As he pulled into the garage he noticed that self parking was $22. “TWENTY-TWO BUCKS?” I could see his entire thought process, “Maybe there’s a free lot two or three blocks away. $22 bucks. What a racket.” Twelve years ago it would have turned into a fight. Fancy Casey wanting her fancy valet and cheap Cody wanting to park four blocks away for free —$22 self parking was a product of 12 years of learning to silently compromise.

cody and me

Last night at dinner (another silent compromise, I wanted the swanky place, Cody wanted piles of barbequed meat which means we had Italian) we watched a couple on their first date. The guy didn’t wash his hands after using the washroom — strike one, but we couldn’t tell her that. Then Cody said something kind of profound that he learned from Netflix about married couples at dinner. A pessimist would look at them and think “They’ve been together so long they’re absolutely bored with each other and are having a miserable time.” while an optimist would see two people who know each other so well that words don’t even need to be used to have a conversation.

Last night I learned Cody is a marriage optimist.

Turns out I am too, but I sometimes moonlight as a pessimist.

I just like being around him. I like having him in the same room or next to me even if we aren’t doing much of anything. He makes things better. He makes things comfier. He’s the one familiar thing in my life even when everything around me is spinning out of control.

Marriage seems to be treated like a gym membership by some people these days, you make this huge commitment and rearrange your life for it. In the beginning you’re pumped and excited for it — but when it gets boring, people just kind of stop showing up. “Eh, I tried. It’s not for me.”

Marriage gets boring. Marriage gets monotonous and infuriating and hard.

But it also gets really good. Like the kind of good you can’t even fathom in the early weeks and months of young twitterpated love. I could try and tell you how good it gets but until you’re there, in that silent conversation about $22 self parking, you can’t really know.

All I can really tell you is it’s worth it, but only if your person treasures you as much as you treasure them.

Here’s to marriage optimism.

Here’s to silent conversations and quoting Si Robertson in the spoken ones.

Here’s to us, and here’s to an eternity more.

fondue pot.

(And to Cody as a dad, because Father’s Day.)

Comments

  1. Here’s to your beautiful, infuriating, boring, difficult and totally worth it loce.

  2. First I Want to thank Cody for saving you. He has my respect for the father he has become, and a partner my baby girl can depend on. It makes me happy on Fathers Day. You have tuned out to be a wonderful mother. I love you all. Dad

  3. Happy Anniversary! We celebrated our 15 years at the Ritz Carlton last weekend! Were you in Chicago? So fun!! Congratulations!

  4. Love you, love your blog, have been reading for years and years.

    I don’t love the way you wrote about how divorced people treat marriage. I’m divorced and it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to go through. I didn’t take it lightly and struggled so much with “failing.” Marriage is work and compromise and not giving up when its hard..but not everyone will end up with a partner that wants to work as hard or who can enrich their life instead of detract.

    Casey Reply:

    @Elizabeth, I chose my words VERY carefully with that, I’m truly sorry if they came across wrong.
    I used the word ‘some’ because many people do take their vows very seriously, just as some people take the gym very seriously. I also mentioned in the next part that “it’s worth it, but only if your person treasures you as much as you treasure them.”
    I have so many friends who have fought for their marriages while their partner simply brushed it aside. The final line in the post I linked to from that statement ends with ” Believe that you are worth fighting for as well.”
    Marriage only works really well if both partners are invested, it sounds as though your partner was not.
    I would never demean the difficulty and heartbreak of divorce, ever. I was simply trying to say that some people give up on marriage too early for the wrong reasons (or get into it for the wrong reasons as well.)

  5. “I just like being around him. I like having him in the same room or next to me even if we aren’t doing much of anything. He makes things better. He makes things comfier. He’s the one familiar thing in my life even when everything around me is spinning out of control.”

    I LOVE this!! This is exactly how I feel about my husband. Happy Anniversary!!

  6. Congrats on the big 12. There IS something special about coming to know someone else, and appreciating them for who they are, and for the sacrifices they make to become someone at least a little bit new, for your sake.

  7. This is exactly how I feel about my husband too. I have been married once before and both of us were not on the same marriage page. No matter what I did, it did not work. We were never loving each other the right way from the other person’s perspective. I am so glad that I finally found my person. I will fight for this one forever!!