So, that funk I am in, how’s that working out for me?

It’s okay.

As long as I remember to breathe deeply and keep moving forward.

At first all I wanted to do was sleep. SLEEEEP. Then I couldn’t sleep at all, which is TERRIBLE because you’re left thinking your own thoughts all alone in bed and oftentimes those thoughts aren’t the nicest ones you could be thinking.

Then there was the whole my period being a week late thing. Which, GRRARGFLBLE and also &*$%#. There are several people who are currently pregnant who were also pregnant when I was pregnant with Vivi, which BLESS YOUR HEARTS I AM NOT THERE YET. Perhaps I’m more susceptible to the mind numbing life force that is a toddler or perhaps I missed some maternal gene somewhere, but I cannot even FATHOM being pregnant right now. Wasn’t I just pregnant, like last month? Oy.

Needless to say my period being a week late didn’t help in the whole mental game of being me.

I guess you could say I’m in the thick of a depression hangover, there’s still an awful lot of anxiety and self loathing, but I am functioning at a much higher level than I was a week ago. I also haven’t cried as much, which is saying something. I’m also back to “Eh, it’s not that bad!” which may be the quickest I’ve ever rebounded from the depths, hooray for properly working medication.

I’ve had this overwhelming sense lately that the world is really, really good. That we’re slowly finding ways around judgment and hate, using beauty to spread messages rather than scare tactics or snide remarks. The latest Macklemore video is proof of that. I have so much hope in the generation we’re raising right now. A little toy just showed up at my door, a Princess Sofia amulet that said “A princess can do anything a prince can do.” A prince can also do anything a princess can do. (I mean, if you’re super cynical and want to get down to “A prince can’t give birth and a princess can’t pee as well standing up” clearly you’re on the wrong blog.)

This post by my friend Ami kind of sums up how I feel about everything right now, what if I’m not doing enough? What if I could be doing more? What if I’m screwing my children out of some promising future because of present circumstances? It’s a good one, I’ll tell you that.

"What do you mean you don't like tomatoes? Savage."

I know, I just became rambly, sorry Vivi. Quit with the judgmental stares.

Hope you’re all doing well out there.

xx

 

Comments

  1. Bethany says:

    thats a pretty fast rebound! and I totally need to remember that world=good.

  2. Thank you for sharing your feelings. Some days (weeks/months) are just harder than others. You have this whole blogging community supporting you, and you are right – most of the time the world does = good. I hope that you continue to feel better!!

  3. Christy Cruz says:

    I despise those “laying in bed in the dark” thoughts when you can’t sleep. I’m so happy to hear that you are on the upswing! Keep it up, you’ll be out of the muck very soon! Much love and many prayers!

  4. I think depression rarely comes without an ellipses. It’s just the waiting to get to the end but you know it has to eventually come so that you can start the next paragraph of life…

    (see what I did there?)
    I’m glad to hear your feeling less depression-y. Thinking good thoughts for you!

  5. First: so glad that you’re on the mend.

    Second: Vivi is getting ginormous and even more adorable. I can’t believe it.

  6. I’ve just come across your blog, thanks for sharing all this. You rock! And I’m glad you’re feeling better. I have a lot of down time, but recognising when I need help is getting easier…Gotta love those meds!

  7. I love you. #thatisall

  8. My brother was hospitalized last week for being a danger to himself. That’s bad enough. But this is the 3rd time in 3 years. I’m not on any anti-depressants. I took up running like months ago and found it really helps my depression. *grumblewhinecomplain* But it’s a lot more work than taking a pill. Spare a pill? No? OK…then I best get off my butt and go for a run. I will hate every minute of it. Then somehow, mysteriously, about 2 hours later, my head will clear. *much love from a fellow foggy brain*

  9. Casey – you’re pretty much an inspiration. This really resonated with me: “I’ve had this overwhelming sense lately that the world is really, really good.”

    What a fantastic overwhelming sense.

    I support you over these miles and miles and think that if ever you need a Cabo break, you know where to come. The sun heals all… ok, most. (Figuratively, definitely not literally.)

    Thanks for writing this blog, lady.

  10. Amy in StL says:

    Wow, that video made me cry a little. Can you share more happy-making things like this on your blog? Not that I don’t love your blog as is; (I do, you’re awesome!) but as someone who also has days that I struggle to stay afloat in the light its nice to find happy things. Things that make me smile or happy tears, or laugh. In some ways dealing with depression is easier with internet access because family and friends don’t understand how to help so I have to find my own happy, ya know?

  11. I’m glad you’re doing better. You are a truly amazing person. I understand what you mean when you talk about depression, more than I can explain, and you have definitely been an inspiration for me. I hope you continue to feel lighter.

  12. Vivi’s growing up to quickly. She looks so much older in those pics. I have those dips into depression as well. I have to really stay on top of my medication and diet during those times.

  13. I don’t know if you’ll even see this. But I’m glad you’re doing better. I always lurk around here extra long when I’m not feeling right.

    Last night it all came crashing down, and like you talked about in your other post, it’s easy to brush it off when you’re not in the thick of it. But I was last night, heck I’m still not well this morning. And I just forgot how many tears there were. So. many. tears. Tears until my head hurt so bad that I threw up. And the wanting to sleep but then there is no sleep to be found. And the husband who you can’t understand why in the world he sticks with you through every episode, but he does, and then somehow that makes you feel worse for being a crappy wife.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is I get it. I get it and thank you for putting your story out there. It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone.

  14. Awww sweetie, I’m sorry it’s been bad for you. I completely 100% understand worrying that you are just completely screwing up your kids. I feel like whatever parenting choices I make will be remembered by them as wrong.

    I had a horrible bout with depression last week, cried every day for days and like you, got out by being a faithful med-taker. All we can do is our best at any given minute. Remember you are amazing and loved and needed by all :)

  15. I know exactly how this feels…”Then I couldn’t sleep at all, which is TERRIBLE because you’re left thinking your own thoughts all alone in bed and oftentimes those thoughts aren’t the nicest ones you could be thinking.”