It’s a very strange thing to have really big emotions.

When you’re young they’re looked upon as a flaw or weakness, and it continues that way until you’re grown — unless you learn how to use them.

I’m still trying to figure out how to use mine.

Creativity seems to be the best outlet for them, photography — having my camera in my hand is equal to holding onto something steady and solid. It can say things I can’t and see things I can’t describe.

Writing is the same way. Being able to write has saved me countless times.

I’ve been hesitant to talk about the inevitable breakdown I’m facing for a number of different reasons. It’s not due to anything major (at least I don’t think so) but the safety I’ve felt in my medication and treatment for the last several years is beginning to slip. I’m noticing things are getting harder to deal with. Thought patterns are messier. Emotions are getting bigger, harder to handle. I’ve learned from breakdowns in the past that beauty springs up through them eventually, but the pain in the process — as well as the fear of dealing with the pain when it comes — it’s nearly crippling.

Many of you have been checking up on me, thank you.

I don’t know how this part of my story will end, but I’ll keep telling it until I do.

 

Comments

  1. Charlane says:

    Chin up. I hope you find some comfort in my sending you my best, hoping the best for you, and saying a prayer for you to find peace within yourself!

  2. I’ll say a prayer for you. As a fellow traveler on the road we call depression, I can appreciate the trepidation over the coming times. I’ve found that my deepest moments of pain are often those that are used by God to minister to others.

  3. I love you madly.

  4. I’ve been there so many times, sister. I’m sending all sorts of virtual hugs your way (along with virtual blankies and ice cream, since I know those are things you ACTUALLY want) <3

  5. I feel for you. I’m just coming out of a very hard year and things are still difficult. Hang in there, you’ll make it through.

  6. Thinking of you, and hoping you can pull through and see more beauty and feel less pain.

    xoxo

  7. XO. I am in the same place right now, dear. I blame the horrendous Michigan weather. I know Indy has been hit rather hard as well.

    Take care.

  8. Oh dear one. You are loved by so many. Xoxo.

  9. This to shall pass.
    It’s been a long hard winter which never helps!

  10. I found your blog shortly after my son was born nearly three years ago because I was suffering from severe PPD/PPA. I’ve quietly followed you, commenting on occasion, and all the while felt like I actually know you. I know what you’re feeling. I know the feeling of impending doom when you know the rug is about to be pulled out from underneath you. The anxiety, hopelessness, and feeling like a stranger in your own world. I’m here to say that though we’ve never met, and I don’t know the details of your struggles, I’m sending all my love and light your way. I spent all of last year in a slow crumble only to implode just before my 30th birthday. I’m on the other side now and happier than I’ve been in a looong time and I only hope the same happens for you (the happy part, that is!)

  11. Michelle says:

    Praying that you continue to trust in the Lord and that the ‘inevitable’ is not as big as it appears. Also, you are not alone, but you know that. Praying for your hubby and kids too at this time, that they will have grace, strength and peace.

  12. Bethany says:

    I don’t know how or what to say to make anything better but please keep talking. When you come back to Dallas lets get breakfast again.

  13. I’m sorry that you are going through this right now. I suffer from severe anxiety that has come and gone most of my life. Having my son 2 years ago, made my anxiety return with a vengeance. For me, it helps to know I’m not the only one – the only one who feels completely overwhelmed by her emotions and doesn’t know how to control the spiraling feelings. It also helps me to know that it does eventually pass. The chaos that I can’t seem to get a handle on eventually disappears. I will keep you in my thoughts. Stay positive that the breakdown is not inevitable. You are stronger then you think. We all are. We just don’t give ourselves enough credit :-)

  14. As someone who struggles with bipolar disorder, I can say that I have felt the impending doom and the dark hole of suck as I like to call it. The medications are difficult when it feels like they do nothing. The frustration that ensues. I’m not a mother yet, but I hope that one day I can be as wonderful of a mom as you are- even with the depression. I am sending you prayers.

  15. hugs

  16. Hang tough! Also, I thought I would share that this week, I worked with highschool students getting ready to move toward college. They are thinking about their career choices and the topic of social communication came up. I shared that yours was a blog I followed, and that it’s inspiring when someone can take something as simple as sharing experiences and turn it into a career or at minimum a strong purpose in their lives. You inspire and I thought it was an important message. Thank you.

  17. Everyone has their own struggles and they are all equally hard. Praying for you, and thinking of you constantly. Take care, and hope to hear more from you.

    xo-Rose

  18. The other day I woke up and didn’t hate the morning. I don’t remember how long it had been since I had that feeling and I cherished it. I love you lots and hope you can repair and stay strong.

  19. Genevieve says:

    Thinking about you. Hope we can video chat soon. It would cheer me up and I hope it would cheer you up too. <3

  20. i totally understand the camera as something solid to hold on to. My niece returning to my camera was the only thing that got me out of my sister’s death.

  21. Hi Casey! You helped me once upon a time ago. I want to thank you. I finally addressed my hormones, and life got much, much easier. I know how you feel, never sure of the stability of your mind, your life. At least you can sense it… that is huge. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of you!