I left Cody.

I left because marriage is a lot harder than it should be and I have spent the last several months mentally checking out from our partnership so as to avoid getting any more hurt by his behavior and actions that seemed so similar to what we experienced back in 2009. I was convinced it was over and had very brave plans in place to move forward with my life in a way I never did because I was married three months after my 19th birthday.

(See also, it’s very hard to secretly research divorce when you’re married to a lawyer who handles divorce because you will want to ask him all sorts of questions but it’s a little strange to ask hypothetical questions that involve the very person you are asking.)

There were a lot of tears and a lot of arguments and some smothering and some controlling and a lot of guilt and some things said in anger and some things said that should have been said a long time ago and some things we both wish we would have never said and as I faced down a future without the man who had been mine for the last 13 years I was terrified but knew if I didn’t cut and run then I would never get the guts and I would always wonder “What if?” and if I’ve learned anything it’s that ‘what ifs’ will eat you alive.

Now chances are you’re probably wondering “BUT WHAT ABOUT THE GIRLS!? OMG YOU HAVE KIDS!?” and I know, because they leave their LEGOs all over the floor and are constantly and loudly reenacting scenes from Frozen. I can assure you that they were at the forefront of our minds and while it’s really none of your business about what we decided to do, just know that we had their best interests at heart and were going to do everything we could to make things easy on them.

That’s the funny thing about this blogging thing, nothing is really any of your business, or anyone’s business but we continue to share anyway because we are all desperate to not feel so alone in our crazy “maybe I’m the only one” feelings. It’s been hard not to talk about this with anyone — mostly because before I imagined any solidarity, I heard all of the judgements. But those who judge aren’t me and they aren’t living my life and they don’t know the whole story and even if I was the most perfect thing in the world — someone is going to hate me.

So I left. I walked away from Cody and boarded a plane and flew away to get space and time and take on a new opportunity and try new things.

I made it a week.

I made it a week before things got real weird and I realized that when things get weird my constant is Cody. He has always been my constant — the only firm, warm thing holding me to the ground when the entire world is swirling around me in a desperate attempt to bring me to my knees. Is our marriage suddenly perfect because I left like I meant it and came back way before I was ready? Nope. Things are still going to be hard and terrible and this probably isn’t the last time things will be rough for us .

I love him, I always have and more importantly I always will.

But I fell out of love with him.

Depending on your level of experience with love you’re either nodding your head or convinced I’m crazy. “How can you love someone but not be in love with them?” Just trust me, you can.

More truth has come out of us over the last several weeks than it has in the past 13 years. It was terrible, I hated every minute of it and dreaded any time spent alone with him because it meant we had to talk about our feeeeelings and there would be crying and I would wake up with emotional hangovers and neither of us would eat and he lost over 20 pounds and nobody really slept so we were really just highly functioning zombies who cried all the time.

But it’s really the best thing we could have done, rip it all down to the ground — every last ugly bit — and begin building it back up together (again.)

Therapy is in our future, together and separate — we really should have gone through with therapy 5 years ago but I think we were both so glad to still be alive after law school that the idea of going through everything again with a therapist was more exhausting and damaging than helpful.

Tulip Time 2014

So, that’s why I haven’t been around. It’s hard to talk flowers and spring and frivolities when you’re stuck in your head and planning an entirely new life without the person you swore your life to over a decade ago. Sorry about that, I hope you understand.

Comments

  1. xo

  2. Much love…

  3. I LOVE YOU! You will both make it through…together or separately. I’m a phone call away always if YOU NEED ANYTHING!! I LOVE YOU!!!

  4. Anna Shirley says:

    Love you.

  5. I totally get how you can love someone and not be IN love. And I totally remember those emotional hangovers. Nothing but love for you, Casey

  6. Heather says:

    we celebrated 20 years together tonight at ruth’s chris. we looked at each other like weary worn soldiers and also as lovers. marriage is hard. and awesome. and hard. and the best thing in the world. and that about sums it up.

  7. Sara Joy says:

    I get this. You are not the only one. xo

  8. Tears in my eyes and nodding. I’m sorry for all you’re going through. Hang in there. <3

  9. Shannon says:

    Although not your intention, your blog was exactly what I needed tonight. I have been contemplating divorce for a while now and as you said, I have fallen out of love with my husband. I love him so much still and alway, but IN love with him- I just don’t know. We also have 2 small girls under 3 and I have all of these what if’ sand how could i’s running thru my head. It makes me sick to my stomach. Okay so I guess commenting hasn’t really left anything profound for you, but just letting me tell or talk to someone who kinda gets it..yeah that helps. I’m here if you want to talk at all. Even to a stranger. Hang in there Casey, you got this.

    Angela Stone Reply:

    @Shannon, You’re right Shannon. I believe when we are brave and bold and we share our failures, weaknesses and struggles in (as much as possible) clear and constructive ways that we can help each other so much! I pray you’ll be able to find peace!

  10. Love you like crazypants. <3

  11. There are so many ways I can relate to this, I was nodding as I read. The familiarity of your story is still raw in my own life. I think it was important that you shared your story. Not because it is our business, because it isn’t, but because in this-many of us have a commonality. A singular thread that many people who have been married for a length of time (in my case 18 years) have experienced.
    Peace to you and your family.

  12. Karissa says:

    Just love to you Casey, and Cody, and your girls. So much love and prayers.

  13. you are my inspiration…all over again and for an entirely different reason. sending lots of love to you.

  14. I get this. I get you. It’s been too long since we’ve talked. Skype date is imminent.

    I love you.

  15. I get it. Thinking of you. Fighting the good fight, no matter the ending, is worth it. We are here for you.

  16. Love to you all. xoxo

  17. I’m glad that you’re back online. I’ve missed your voice.

    It’s not much more than a hope, but it’s true: I sincerely hope that your family finds your new groove, wherever that may take all of you. Best wishes.

  18. Thanks for always being so open and sharing. Even when it is none of our business.

  19. Lots of love for all of you Casey… praying for peace and clarity and the life will be gentle on you.

  20. Love you.

  21. Alisa Empey says:

    Sending you lots of love and support. And a huge hug!

  22. Much love and understanding to you, my friend!

  23. melissa says:

    I’m glad you wrote this cause i’m going through something like this after 4 years and 1 child he came to me and didn’t want our marriage any more. I was hurt,angry,upset and sad but there were issues and problem that we had on personal levels and together as a couple. It’s good to know that i’m not alone and that i’m not the only one going through this.

  24. All the love. Seriously.

  25. I don’t know you but I love you for this post.

  26. I totally get it! And I’m glad that you both are willing to work and fight for this marriage. I heard Dr. Phil say that if you are married and you have kids, try everything you can before you divorce. That way you can tell your kids you truly tried and it just didn’t work out. But really, the fact that you BOTH are willing to work at this is huge. A lot of times only one person is willing and the other is out of there. I’m routing for you! They don’t say marriage is hard for nothing! haha

  27. e-hugs may be lame but it’s all I’ve got right now. (((Hugs))) friend.

  28. I definitely feel your pain in this as I’m doing the exact same thing, only I’m 9 months in. I’m doing remarkably, splendidly well and I wish the same for you, love. Your words have lifted me up from the absolute bottom and I am proud of you for explaining all this to us when you didn’t need to. I was wondering where you’ve been though..Many blessings and much love to you and your family as you sort things out. Believe that you are worth all the happiness in the world, with or without a husband. xo

  29. Chelsea Johnson says:

    It isn’t our business, but thanks for sharing anyway. It’s a whole different level of courage to allow the world access to all your messy parts, and know that it could go horribly wrong or beautifully right. “You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” <3
    You are not alone. Prayers and virtual hugs as you find your way, together, or apart. Only the two of you know what is best for you and your family.

  30. I’ve always admired your honesty and passion in your writing, photography, and life. Good luck and thanks for sharing. I have confidence in you.

  31. I love you.
    lots.

    this also explains the daily nudge at my heart to pray for you and why you keep appearing in my mind.

    Love YOU

    (nathan, olivia, and noah love you , too)

  32. 9 years. We separated two weeks ago. The alcohol being more important than our children finally own and I told him to get out. It’s been hard. I love him. You’re not alone.

  33. Oh, I love you, sweetheart. <3

  34. Chrysula says:

    Much love to you all as you navigate this. xo

  35. While I’ve never been married, I totally and completely get it. You, my dear, are brave in so many ways, and the people who love you (even those of us who have never physically met you) will support and pray for you and your family. Also? Send the judgypants over to me. I’ll take care of em. Love you long time.

  36. Friend. I love you. I get this. I so very much get this. I also love you so so much. Here for you a thousand miles away!

  37. I love you. So many hugs.

  38. We are free to rewrite our story at any time. We just need to make sure it’s the right story. Xo

  39. Yes, marriage is hard. I’ve been married the same number of years as you & was almost as young as you were, too. Over the course of those years, we have had loads of great times and some difficult ones here and there. For us, I think getting married so young meant that we would have to reenvision our relationship each time we reimagined who we were personally. And I’ll tell you that “in love” versus just loving someone — that happens to me in those moments when I realize my husband is not the “boy” I married. Or that I’m no longer the “girl” he married. Somehow, we both manage to claw our way back to being in love with each other, but I always worry about a day coming when we won’t or can’t. Anyway. My POINT here is really to let you know that you’re NOT the only one. I don’t want to say it’s normal because I don’t know. But I do get it. No judgment. Only love, acceptance & support that you discover what is best for you and yours.

  40. See, you have to leave to miss someone. And the fact that you missed him at all is a miracle, a gift, a sign. No, it’s not kittens and rainbows, but let me tell you this: when I left, I never missed him for one second. Every breath without him was a relief and pure oxygen. That’s how you know. You don’t have to like him, but I know you loce him. Xoxoxo

  41. Thank you for sharing this with us. Again, you didn’t have to, but it’s a gift to others to know they are not alone. And YOU are not alone – I absolutely understand the love/notinlovewith. All the best to you both!

  42. Cheyenna says:

    Oh hun! I’m so sorry things are so hard for you right now. Hugs, prayers and a virtual shoulder to cry on.

  43. Hugs and peaceful thoughts for all of you.

  44. My divorce was the lowest point in my life – faced with a future that I couldn’t comprehend. Marriages are worth fighting for. The only thing that keeps me positive in looking back is that I tried to do everything I could to save it. I would encourage only that – that each of you give it everything you have. It may work – and that’s awesome. It may not – and at least you can walk away friends and parents that had great memories together, knowing that each of you did everything you could. God bless, you’ll both be in my prayers.

  45. Angela Stone says:

    I have always appreciated your honesty. I pray therapy will help. I think when shared right, sharing through blogging is a blessing. I just wish there weren’t so many haters! Sending love.

  46. Ohhhh Casey. I’m currently in the midst of an emotional hangover after a huge fight with Jason last night. And a wordless, stomping “fight” the night before. I dread being alone with him. It’s so HARD. There should be a word that means “so incredibly hard it is THIS CLOSE to being impossible, but we’re somehow holding out a teeny tiny kernel of hope.” I constantly wonder if we’re just delaying the inevitable. We’re trying. We’re trying. We’re trying. [And I'm crying again and getting a crying headache and can't think anymore. Love to you.] xoxoxo

  47. XoXo
    Sending you hugs (as I first learned about your blog through a link about hugging strangers)

    You are incredibly strong.

  48. Oh Casey. I’m not going to lie– when I read the first sentence in the Reader preview, my stomach sank. I know what a horrible and gut-wrenching time that is. And although you’ve decided to stay (for now), that doesn’t make it any less hard. Love to you. Know that your bloggy friends are always here for you!! <3

  49. Casey,

    I wish I had been there more for you. I know this is so hard. You are beautiful, lovely, and you are dealing with so much. Please know that I am here. I’m only a phone call, text, or drive away. I’m tearing up right now because I feel like I’ve failed you in someway.

    Love you so much.

    Anj

  50. I love you. You already know I can relate.

Trackbacks

  1. […] I didn’t see that response coming. The confessions, the ‘me too’ and the solidarity. It was humbling, thank you — not only selfishly, but to all of you who left comments of support that other people in similar situations can read and hopefully gain strength from. […]