I didn’t see that response coming. The confessions, the ‘me too’ and the solidarity. It was humbling, thank you — not only selfishly, but to all of you who left comments of support that other people in similar situations can read and hopefully gain strength from.

This morning I decided to get on a plane and leave for the weekend. Your post may have just saved my marriage. Thank you. I don’t even know what else to say right now. Just thank you.

I left my husband almost 4 years ago. I get that it’s a much less linear process than what you assume it is. There is much back and forth. Ambiguity. Questioning. Uncertainty.

I left just about a year ago. He didn’t want counseling until I was out the door and the I’ll do anything hollow. Hang in there. If it heals, wonderful, but if it doesn’t you had the courage to make a choice and that matters. You are showing the girls, whatever the outcome, that you matter. You are teaching by example.

Dude, you just mirrored my marriage! Thank you for your bravery.

I just want to say that your struggles – your real, heartfelt struggles – make me look forward to marriage.  It makes me look forward to continuing to have a partner worth fighting for.  Anyone who doesn’t understand how you can love someone but not be in love with them – well, I question whether they have ever really been in love.”

Right now? I’m gone. I ran away too and I’m trying to figure out much of what you wrote.

We will be married 20 years in October and lately (well, a lot more than just lately) I wonder what the hell am I doing here?

I’ve always tried to be very careful about what I write about Cody, it’s my duty to respect his privacy and protect the relationship that I have with him. I have never used social media to vent or rag on him, and when things are bad I keep them to myself. I realize I have a strange and unfair advantage with the support system the Internet has given me, and I try to keep that in mind when talking about him — I never want to turn anyone against him or use the trust I have in all of you to my advantage.

The truth is I’m just as much to blame in our most recent downfall as he is — we both acknowledge this and don’t fault the either for mistakes made or use shortcomings as weapons in moments of pain.

Cody is a rare and marvelous man, and I hope when you leave kind words you are indirectly sending him some as well. I’m not an easy person to be married to, I’m damaged and broken in some deep and ugly ways but he takes care of me and puts up with the trials I’ve been given in a way most people wouldn’t. He’s been left picking up the pieces of my heart and mind more than I’d like to admit and he’s never complained about it, he does it because he is hopelessly in love with me.  Most men I’ve come across would have walked away, would have given up — hell, if the roles were reversed I may have been the one to walk away or give up. But then I think back to law school, I don’t know many people who would have stuck around for that.

Clearly we’re committed, but there seem to be times we’re not very good at nurturing that commitment.

Today Cody admitted to a time when he questioned whether he was still in love with me, and as hard as it was to hear those words — it was a relief to know he understands how I’ve felt for the past several months.

“…we were in the car driving from somewhere and I looked over at you and wondered if I was still in love with you and I couldn’t answer my own question. We got home and we did whatever we normally did and the next morning on my way to the gym I realized how bad of a husband I had been, and I realized that my falling out of love with you, if that’s what had happened, had been caused by my own actions. I decided then I would change and I would start treating you the way you deserved to be treated because I knew I loved you and I knew I loved being with you and I wanted to have that closeness with you again. My changes came slowly–too slowly–and 2009 happened. At some point I fell back in love with you and I have stayed in love with you ever since…”

Tulip Time 2014

We’re not dramatic people, we don’t storm around yelling and crying and if you saw us out and about you would probably be led to believe that we get along quite well, because we do. We don’t fight (oh boy, we used to) and we don’t play dirty. We just get complacent then bitter then angry then distant. It’s silly really, but we’re working on it. We’re really good together, and I believe a lot of that is because we simply don’t go together.

I’ve never wanted to give up, I’ve always wanted to grow old with him and have our stories begin and end with each other.

It just seems we have a few more plot twists than most.

Which is cool, boring love stories rarely change the world.

Comments

  1. Cory Huff says:

    My wife and I used to have raging scream fests at each other. We worked it all out in those first 3 – 4 years. Not that we don’t still have our moments, but I think we both really had to figure out how to be in a marriage, and whether we wanted to be in a marriage.

    Those first few years were very difficult – but we really are so happy now. I hope it turns out that way for you.

  2. Oh, Casey, you always handle yourself with remarkable grace and strength, and especially so in the face of what must be a difficult, profoundly painful time for you and Cody. I wish the best for both of you, and for your sweet little ones. I am not where you have been in life – nowhere near it – nor have I gone specifically through some of the things you have, so maybe this will sound silly, but I look up to you for so many reasons. There may be some damaged and broken parts of you, but just know that those parts of you are still beautiful and have only made you stronger. No matter what happens in the coming weeks, months, years – just know that you will get through it. We are all here for you. Wishing you all my love. – Aly

  3. Casey, yesterday’s post was so beautiful in its honesty. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, or you, or Cody, or your girls. I hope you fight like hell for each other and that you will continue to write through this process because your truthfulness about difficult subjects is like nothing else I’ve read and we all need to hear what you have to say. Much, much love.

  4. The winding path to peace is always a worthy one, regardless of how many turns it takes. Pray Always;; together and separate.

  5. I love you both. I’m glad I had a chance to meet Cody and the girls. I pray for your family and for both of you to find your way. I pray for strength for each of you. Marriage is work. It can be a blessing. It is always unique to each couple. In all of this, remember that love matters. It really does.

  6. Thank you for sharing. We love you BOTH. I literally cried when Cody mentioned something a little while back. The two of you show a lot of courage and, as mentioned above, grace in these situations. I’m sure, as you mention in your posts and as we all do, that you both have things that you can each do better, but neither has thrown any mud at the other for all of us to see. I pray for you guys and hope it all turns out right.

  7. What a sweet post! I am praying for you two. I enjoyed what little time we had together. I love you and understand how distant life can become. I told Boyce I was leaving on April 16th. Things got better. Not perfect but now no overtime from work, I find I am glad to be where I am. In less than a month it will be 38 years. All I can say is “It’s a miracle.”

  8. Love you hon. I’ll leave you with the quote (from the least likely source for me to ever quote) that has seen us through this more than once ourselves…

    “Marriage is the glue that holds you together until you fall in-love again.” ~Zsa Zsa Gabor

    Honestly, the love stays or it turns into hate – those are pretty much your choices once it’s there. Being “in-love” however comes and goes and not without effort. I hope you and Cody find yourselves back in-love soon.

    Just remember that you have room to fail at it during the process. It’s not like a one-time test, it’s an every day thing. But tomorrow is another day.

  9. God, I love you so much. I miss you so much. Dillan and I have gone through a lot of the same things that you are facing now. Dillan’s still trying to pick up the pieces of my fractured heart. I’m probably going to text you again here in a bit, but I would love to get with you, to see you, to give you a hug in person. You and I have a lot more in common than you know. I hope you know that I am praying for you and for your family. I love you. I miss you.

    Anjala

  10. Holding you in my heart as you both heal and figure out this crazy thing called “marriage”. No judgments here. Sadly, I feel like this is the 1st post you have posted in a loooonnnng time that I can actually relate to.

  11. Marriage is SO hard and I only barely know from just scratching the surface. Lots of hugs, thinking of you all. xx

  12. Oh, Casey. I get this. I SO get this. There’s a phrase I clung to several years ago when my husband and I hit our first “really bad” patch and that I’ve returned to recently with things being so hard between moving and raising kids and working full-time and (why can I count on one hand the number of times we’ve had sex this year?), “the beauty of seeing things through”. It gets really, really ugly in the middle but it’s so very, very beautiful on the other side. Like a storm, like baking, it all it gets worse before it gets better. And I’m having to remind myself of that a lot because right now, it’s ugly and hard and messy.

    I’m sending lots of good thoughts and good vibes and prayers to BOTH of you. Yes, it takes two and rarely is there one person solely at fault when marriage gets to this point. You may be the one I know but you’re both in my heart because of what you have shared with us about your life together. Peace be with you my friends.

  13. I knew you and Cody back when I first met you in the year 2004, and saw how much you went through when you were pregnant with Addie. He was (is) an amazing husband with a lot of patience. A lot like Jon. I wrote a post a while back on how “dating”, and coming to terms with going to counseling due to my childhood abuse saved our marriage. I am amazed that our 20th anniversary is coming up in six months, but I’ll tell you this…marriage takes a lot of work! A lot. It’s not 50/50, it’s giving it your 100% on both sides. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I thought Jon and I were never going to make it, but after Lexie was born everything changed, and for the better. She was an unexpected blessing and in a sense saved our marriage as well. Her spirit was (is) so unique that my decision to finally get to the temple was in full circle, and I was ready. It doesn’t matter how spiritual a couple can be we all have issues. We just have to work at it, and I pray that you and Cody will work this one out too. Y’all are meant for each other, and have been through too much too throw it all away. But in the end…it’s what makes you sane, and happy. I love you both, and know that I’m a phone call away if you ever want to shoot the breeze. Love you forever Casey girl.

    Rose

  14. I cannot recommend EFT therapy more highly, and recommend you find an EFT certified therapist for your couples therapy. It is evidence-based, and it is a true game changer. It was created by Sue Johnson and her book Hold Me Tight is also worth checking out. Best of luck – and thank you.

  15. (I want you to know that I’m listening and I care.)

  16. This marriage thing is no bleepin’ joke! We’ve been having some major struggles lately too (and when I say lately, in the last couple of years). But just like you two, both of us bring some tough stuff to the table and in the end it is about deciding if you are committed to making it work, even when these bumps in the road exist. And oh man, DO THEY! Thank you for being so honest. It’s not something I can write about. Not yet anyway.

  17. Hi, Just trying to subscribe but I keep getting an error message.
    Thank you.
    Tammy