I wish I could say that after two weeks of feelings and emotions my marriage is suddenly A-OK and that everyone can just move right along because there’s nothing to see here! Just a little blip on the radar of life! But I can’t say that because everything is not A-OK although we are very good at maintaining a sense of normalcy and pretending everything is good.

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Well, maybe pretending is a terrible word to use. Because we’re not pretending, we very much love each other and have a great vested interest in the well being of one another. Neither of us want to be done, but sometimes things are so hard for me that giving up seems so much easier.

The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you’ll see their flaws. That’s just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don’t last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they’re out of money or under pressure or hungry, for goodness’ sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it’s seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.*

Cody has seen me at my lowest more than I care to admit, and yet he’s still here. He has known me at my worst yet he is also the reason I am capable of a best.

I planted a whole lot of flowers the other day. It’s very gratifying to see my sad, tired garden turned into something that is quite lovely and welcoming. One day of sweat, dirt and more bugs than I could handle and I turned something ugly into something beautiful.

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But it won’t stay that way for long unless I make the choice to actively care for it. I planted the flowers, it’s my job to take care of them.

If I neglect them, they will whither away and die. Maybe not immediately, but eventually.

I expect to lose some, I never said I was working with two green thumbs here.

It’s going to be a slow process, just like Cody’s and my recovery.

I will probably want to give up at some point because maybe I took on too much.

But day by day everything will grow bigger and stronger, and eventually with proper care and patience there will be great rewards — hopefully in the form of heirloom tomatoes, red peppers and strawberries — but also in the form of love that doesn’t know how to give up.

There are lot of marriages ending on the Internet right now and hopefully that won’t happen here. No, here there will be a whole lot of fighting for marriage, ours in particular — because in the end I believe in it. I have always wanted to grow old with Cody — even when things have been hard.

It looks easy, but it can be (and is) so, so hard.

And I think that says a lot more about the love I have for this man than anything else.

*****

*This quote is credited online to The Great Kamryn, but I’m not so sure the Internet really knows who Kamryn is? She seems to be a myth on UD. Regardless, Lu sent it to me and it’s perfect.

Comments

  1. Moosh, hang in there and keep working in the garden of your marriage. My wife and I have been apart now for almost three months as I’ve been living in Nashville looking for a new full-time job while her and the kids have been back in Indy living out of suitcases and in a home that’s not theirs. Even though it’s tougher than I imagined it would be, we’ve drawn closer through the process. Somehow weirdly, closer as the current situation seems to do its best to tear us further apart. I believe as long as the two of you understand and cherish the marriage vows and invest in each other, you’ll succeed. It could be hard, but you’ll win. The two of us have found if you forsake all of your own needs and focus on each other’s, your own needs will be taken care of in the passage of time.

  2. I so love you. I do. And, I love your family. Be blessed, my beautiful friend.

  3. Kelli G. says:

    This post makes me so happy. I’ve been following your blog for several years and watching your family grow. I love how you’re so honest and open about your struggles and your successes. Marriage is hard, but it’s worth fighting for. Your family is worth fighting for. I wish you and Cody the absolute best. <3

  4. Good for you for decing that you need to try. It takes a LOT of hard work and blood, sweat, tears, and so much more to stay married. But that committment…To this person. This person whom we love more than anything and is the rock we lean on, to feel (or know) that the rock is also the rock slide that buries us…Ugh

    Yay for flowers, and purring cats.

    Funny story – Mercury went out at 1:30 AM for his nightly prowl and I was so worried when the thunder woke me up and he was’t howling at the door to be let in. I finally opened both the front and back doors and called for him knowing he would show – which he did finally, totally drenched. It was a very amusing sight to see him look like a drowned rat! He wasn’t amused.

  5. Katrien says:

    Marriage is just so … so … complicated? Very high highs (‘how could we ever not be together?!’) to very low lows (‘no, don’t really think we’ll make it’) some boredom and just plain lovely times together. Makes life interesting though! I like to think for us it gets a little easier (more evened out?) with time (17 + years together now, of which the last 8 married), maybe I’m wrong. So far it is very worth it. Thank you for sharing your struggles. You seem to be able to put things in perspective in your posts.

  6. I attended a seminar years ago and the speaker said “Love like divorce is not an option, like there is no escape clause.” I was single and unattached at the time, but it struck me. It’s also the only direct quote I remember, what’s next is paraphrased.

    If you knew you HAD to live with this person for the rest of your life, what would you do differently to insure your happiness? Would you take more time for yourself? Make your spouse go away by themselves more? Talk more? Talk less? Ask for what you want as well as what you need? Implore your spouse to do the same?
    I would never say marriage is easy and it is clear the two of you are trying. I’m sending hugs and peaceful thoughts your way.

  7. “He has known me at my worst yet he is also the reason I am capable of a best.” That is a great statement

  8. Rachael says:

    I just wanted to say how inspiring your stories are. And it is so wonderful to know you’re not the “only one”. Me and my husband are currently going through separation. It has been 3 weeks now. We have been together 7 years. The only difference is the day he moved out, he moved in with a much younger, immature girl. Oh well. Yes, for the first week I was tore apart, but now I see it’s the best thing that has happened to either of us. We also fell out of love. His family is being very hateful towards him because of the situation. I can understand because things weren’t done the best way- but hey it happened. I don’t want his family to feel that way towards him. I love him still, just in a different way now. So I just made this post on my fb, basically to his family, “I need to get something out and off my chest. Many won’t understand this post, but some will. I need everyone to know I support James 100%. Now, do I have to agree that whatever he does is the best or a good idea?- NO! And for 7 years there have been many of those times, as many of you know. And vise versa, it’s not a one way street.. Everyone has the right to be happy. You only live one life. Anyway, my point is we support each other more now than probably ever. We are best friends and that will never change. People are human and we all have made mistakes in our lives. Nobody lives perfectly, we can only wish and strive for the best for ourselves no matter what road that is.”

    Thank you so much for sharing your story that gave me the courage to do that, as I would never voice my opinion or say anything on such a deep topic.

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