The other night I got down on the floor and played with Vivi. She laughed, no one cried and I actually enjoyed myself.

Yesterday I went to the gym and did my first full circuit since the sads really knocked me down. Up until yesterday the most I could convince myself to do was walk on the treadmill, but walking on a treadmill is supposedly better than lying in bed.

I’ve started cooking a bit more, I’m still nowhere close to where I used to be — but again — it’s a start.

I’ve been taking my big camera out with me, using it, and enjoying it. Vivi is at the prime age of “NO YOU MAY NOT TAKE MY PICTURE HERE IS THE BACK OF MY HEAD” while Addie looks too grown up. Her back to school shoes are as big as my feet.

I’ve made a new friend, which is huge considering the overhanging cloud of depression and the awful reality that your best friend is now six hours ahead of you in a foreign country and you won’t be seeing her for a very long time.

Another big huge thing is that I didn’t take a nap this week. I don’t necessarily nap because I’m tired, I nap because sometimes my reality just hurts too much and sleeping doesn’t hurt. Things haven’t hurt quite as bad this week so I’ve stayed awake. (I am still having to take a sleeping pill each night, I’ve weaned down to a quarter pill and hope sleep related things will be back to normal by the end of August, that’s the goal anyway.)

If I may compare what I’m going through to a broken leg, I am still in a cast. But I’m not taking pain pills anymore, the cast comes off next week and long term therapy begins.

There will still be days when it hurts, days when I do too much and wear myself out.

The worst part of this is that I’m back listening for the other shoe.

It seems the medication I was on for so long simply stopped working. After doing a bit of research, it is fairly common problem and I’m lucky I got as much time out of mine as I did. Now I’m on to a new one, with a very real fear that I will go through this again in 5 years time (assuming this new one can successfully hold me up through the coming months.)

I know I’m not out of the woods. I still have the occasional dark and terrible thought—but that there are glimpses of what life can be like without depression and after being mired down for so long they give me hope.

To anyone who is new to this fight, I’ve never fought this hard before. After years and years of dealing with this I have learned what I need, I have Cody who knows exactly what to do and what to say even when I don’t want to hear it. The fact that I was angry this time helped — I don’t want to suffer. I don’t want to be the victim. But being angry and fighting back doesn’t mean I can skip the next few weeks and months of healing. It just means I won’t let myself spend as much time checked out from life.

I know when to say no.

I know when to say help.

I know I can’t do this alone.

Charleston - Kiawah, South Carolina

I also know I need to make it back to the ocean really soon.

Comments

  1. You are always so honest, thank you! Depression sucks, I know, I’ve lived with meds “wearing off” too. I’m glad you are taking positive steps and giving yourself some grace for those days you still struggle! Good luck girly!

  2. Look at all those pelicans! Love that you’re here and writing it out.

    Steph

  3. So glad to hear this! With what you’re dealing with, to stop and help me with my soup dilemma is paramount. You can do it…you can beat that darn hole and climb out of it even better! Although you seem pretty near-perfect to me. Beat those damn sads with a stick!!

  4. I’m really proud of you. ♥

  5. I’m so glad its less awful. Not better, not quite yet, but less awful. Thinking of you, lady and cheering you on.

  6. I would take you to the ocean in a heartbeat if we lived closer! Love you, and hang in there. I’ll be praying for you, and your sweet family!

    xoxo

  7. One step at a time. So glad its getting a little bit better. A little bit is better than no bit. xo

  8. Growing up with a mom that had depression, i have to say that you are doing great! I really admire your honesty (and your beautiful family!)

  9. Hoping for continued light and healing!

  10. You can do this!

  11. Michelle says:

    Day by day I’m glad you’re fighting. And the ocean, that’s my refilling place too. I have the advantage of living 15 minutes from the water so I’ll think of and pray for you and yours when I’m there.

  12. I am so glad you are writing here again! Take care and know that many of us are thinking of you.

  13. ::muah:: I think you’re amazing.

  14. oh how I wish there were magic words to make all this better for you!! I’ve been where you are, several times, and I know you can make it. I just wish that it wasn’t so hard.

  15. Charlotte says:

    Any chance you can pack up for a few days and make it up to Lake Michigan? It’s not the ocean, but a close second. The Chicago skyline in the distance helps, too.

    And yeah, you’re not alone. That’s all I can bring myself to say right now. I find that just going to the Y and attending the morning spin class helps curb the emotional wrecking ball for at least that one hour and maybe a little after. It’s not much, but it’s something. And anything is better than the constant poking, prodding, and pulling of the dark side.

  16. You can do it sweetie!