When we were trying to get Vivi here, my entire though process revolved around getting and being pregnant. Every decision I made in or around my house included the fact that one day a baby would be in it and so I had to plan accordingly. I’d think about what kind of baby gates I would need and where, I thought about where I would store toys and how we would arrange car seats and strollers. I’d think about holidays with a baby and how long we could travel with her as a lap child and I’d think about how many times we could go to Disneyworld before she was 3. I fantasized about how I would spend my days with this baby, how I would document my pregnancy and what I would do differently in regards to labor and delivery.

I knew she was out there waiting for us. I felt it, I just didn’t understand why it was taking so long to get her here. (I get it now.)

I also knew I wanted another girl. Yes, healthy babies above all else, la la la, but I wanted another girl.

So what does life feel like now? It feels complete. I don’t think about getting pregnant, my mind doesn’t revolve around pregnancy math and fertility appointments. I don’t feel a nudge that someone else is out there (something I felt STRONGLY even when Addie was only days old) and there is no second guessing our decision to be done even under the spell of a tiny newborn. We’ve cleaned out the closets and rid ourselves of baby stuff.

It feels really good.

We’re meant to be four. Four is good. Four feels right. Four is right for us.

I look forward to the things we can do together, as well as the things I will soon be able to do once Vivi is in school. I have all these projects and jobs I’ve wanted to pursue for years but didn’t or couldn’t because I was either too caught up in wanting to be pregnant, being pregnant or keeping a baby alive. I would never say the time I spent trying to get pregnant was wasted, the things I learned about myself, about Cody, and about other women are invaluable. They were lessons on empathy and compassion that can only be learned the hard way, and unfortunately I did hurt people in my single-minded and obsessed desire to have a second baby. I while I regret hurting others, I appreciate the subsequent lessons on redemption and forgiveness.

If you’re not sure you’re done? You probably aren’t.

If you know there’s someone (or someone else) out there waiting to join your family, don’t give up. Even when you’re convinced you will be swallowed whole by disappointment, jealousy, and pain—don’t give up. Six years felt like an eternity, but now that she’s here, those six years were nothing when compared to what I get to experience every day with these two little girls. It only took six years and nine really hard months to make the most spectacular thing I’ll ever witness, these two together.

November 2014

Comments

  1. Aww, thanks for sharing. We are just starting our journey towards having kids and some days I wonder how long it will take or if its even the right thing for us. I guess the answer is not right now :)

  2. Thank you so much for your candid writing throughout this process. Back before I had my first, a friend and I were talking about how we’d both always assumed we’d have a hard time getting pregnant (for no reason that we could enumerate). Surprisingly, I had it blissfully easy that first time. She did not. She still does not have her baby, and found out after a lot of pain and heartbreak that she physically cannot carry one. I didn’t know what to say. I felt guilty and embarrassed (for myself and my easy time of it, not for her). I now know a little bit about what to say, thanks to you. Everyone’s journey and experiences will be different, but as we’re all humans I think that the compassion and respect that guides appropriate responses and offers of support will be the same. Thank you again, and congratulations on your beautiful, complete family.

  3. Lovely post.

  4. Vicky Struyk says:

    I totally get this! Two miscarriages in between my two girls, buckets of tears, and loads of stress. I’m thankful and blessed with two healthy girls. Easy? No. Worth it all? YES!!!!!

    Vicky Struyk Reply:

    Though I must add we had a plan B in place. If the last pregnancy was not viable, we were heading to China to adopt.

  5. Thanks for writing this! While I don’t have fertility issues, I do have vet difficult pregnancies, labors, and deliveries. I also struggle with post partum depression. I currently have a 2.5yr old and a 5week old and I don’t do well with chaos and lots of noise. It’s been a struggle to adapt to life with 2 and I desperately want this to be it for us but the truth is I DO feel like there is someone else out there and your post is helping me come to terms with it! So thanks.

  6. Well, after many years (almost 10) we decided we were done trying. Barring any miracles that may be bestowed upon us… We will remain just the two of us. I Finally got to the point where I was ok admitting that out loud and not caring what anyone else would think.
    In the last several months, I’ve been told that we just weren’t desperate enough on separate occasions. And in truth, I guess so. But desperation doesn’t fix my medical issues or give us $40k to try various additional treatments or even guarantee us a baby.
    Needless to say, I think that each of us knows our own hearts and minds. We are the only ones who know how much heartache and disappointment we can handle and which sources are easier to swallow. For me, letting go has been the only survivable option.
    I’m glad you feel complete and happy. So do I, and that’s the biggest blessing of all!

  7. I just love this post and echo so much of it. My six year journey was similar in many regards, but I’m so glad I didn’t stop because I can’t imagine life without the little girl we ended up with. We ended up having a third, too, and now I’m feeling very unsettled as to whether or not we’re done. It was a very hard pregnancy, though, and he was a very colicky baby, so I often think the better plan would be to quit before we’ve been completely overtaken!

  8. your family feels totally complete to me too. Not that my vote counts. But you’re killing it awesome with the two that you have….

  9. I love this. For a long time, I ached for a third, but for a variety of reasons, it wasn’t in the cards for us. I asked God to either give us another baby or make me content with what we had. And now, I’m content. Like you, four works for us. It fits. And I have peace.

    Thank you for sharing such a beautiful sentiment.

  10. Oh, I needed this!! ??

  11. Oh, I needed this!! ??

  12. After 3 years of trying, surgeries for both me and DH, and two rounds of IVF my son was born last year. My husband says we are done (i have a teenage stepdaughter too), but I am not 100% there yet. I am so thankful for my son and happy with our family, but a piece of me is still holding out hope for another baby someday. The chances are minuscule as we are unlikely to conceive on our own and could never afford IVF again and I am 36 and DH is 42. I thought I had reached a place where I was content with one child, but I am not truly there yet.

  13. Thank you for this. I feel so guilty for wanting another baby as much as I do, like I’m not grateful enough for my one awesome kid or something. But I just feel like there’s another little someone who is supposed to be here, you know?