(tmi ahead…you’ve been warned (dad.))

It’s been awhile since I’ve talked about my vagina and all of her related accessories, attachments, and ailments. You see, I have had trouble down yonder since I was 18: abnormal paps, several colposcopies, two LEEPs, countless vaginal ultrasounds, a hysterosalpingogram, a D&C, a laparoscopy, endometriosis, and PCOS in addition to serving as an escape hatch for two babies.

Really my entire reproductive system should just be given menopause off. Like, “Okay ladies! You’ve done enough, go ahead and sit menopause out.”

The one thing I had never had to deal with, despite all the various things that have been shoved up there in the name of medical sciences, was a yeast infection. When you make it into your thirties without one you begin to think you’re immune to them, clearly it’s because you eat so much yogurt and believe in personal hygiene.

Then you go on a cruise to Mexico with your husband for a week without your kids and you end up with your very first yeast infection on the first day.

Only you don’t know what’s going on down there.

All you know is it feels as though your bits have been lit on fire — if that fire were made out of sandpaper, gravel, and bitter revenge.

Madrid on firephoto credit Montecruz Photo

I have NEVER been so consumed with the thought of my vagina.

GOODNESS THE ITCH.

Cody volunteered to take a look, since he’s more familiar with that part of me and the look on his face said “THERE IS A SQUID COMING OUT OF YOUR VAGINA AND IT HAS THE HEAD OF AN ANTEATER.”

So.

I went to the ship’s doctor and mumbled out “I probably have yeast infection and I need it fixed, preferably yesterday.”

The nurse slipped a three day regimen of suppositories in a barf bag, charged me $20 and sent me on my way.

Here’s what I learned about a yeast infection — it doesn’t matter how flawless your makeup is, how good of a hair day you’re having, how great your skin is, or that your dress fits you like a glove — your vagina has basically gone rotten and it overshadows EVERYTHING.

Firephoto credit Matthias Ripp

Our week long escape to sunshine and warmth without our kids was a total bust in the intimate relations department. Cody was very noble from the start “I didn’t come on this vacation to spend countless hours naked with you, I just wanted to hang out with you.”

I however had spent the last several months looking forward to countless naked hours with just him. No LEGOs on the floor, no cats watching, no knocks at crucial personal moments. THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SO MUCH SEX. (Let’s talk about this another time, but when you finally let yourself truly love and be loved by your husband? EVERYTHING gets better.)

By Thursday I was grumpy from frustration, not only were there no naked hours, I wanted to scratch off my own crotch, bury it in sand, then rub it on asphalt.

We still had a marvelous time. I read eight books, we thawed our bones in the sunshine, and made some new friends.

By the time we got home things had calmed down dramatically down there and I scheduled a follow up appointment with my doctor just to make sure there really weren’t anteater-headed squid, and to have my annual lady exam that I had been avoiding for 4 years. (Some people fear the dentist, I fear pap smears.) She declared me free and clear of squid, anteaters, yeast, and other issues THEN she informed me protocol had recently changed and now I only need to get a pap every three years. NO PAP UNTIL 2018 PARTY PEOPLE!!

But the yeast came back, the very next week. Oh, the yeast came back WELL I THOUGHT IT WAS GONE.

This is basically the yeast that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend.

I called my doctor and she informed me that sometimes those three-day treatments can just be a bandage over a bigger problem and she prescribed me a pill to hopefully eradicate the funk in my junk once and for all. So not only did I get my first yeast infection at 32 while on vacation, I GOT THE MOTHER OF ALL UNBEATABLE YEAST INFECTIONS.

I’ve had a lot of miserable stuff go on down there, and this has been the second worst (just short of that time Addie popped out of the birth canal so fast she tore me open in two different directions.)

I’ve taken my pill, and I already feel as though I could conquer the world in loose fitting pants made from natural fibers, and breathable 100% cotton underpants.

More than one crunchy friend told me to “Slap some yogurt on that thing ASAP.”  Literally, yogurt. On my bits. I swear if it happens again I’ll try it. But I’m going with modern pharmaceuticals this time and keeping my yogurt for granola, thanks.

We also need to rebrand yeast infection and pap smear immediately. Both of them are SO TERRIBLY NAMED.  Let’s not be so literal, science. Around these parts we have the ‘Seventh Circle of Squid Fire’ the ‘Lady Bit Pip’.

Feel free to incorporate them into your own vernacular.

The Spin #2
photo credit Vaidotas Mišeikis

Give me your yeastie beastie stories. I can’t believe some people deal with these on a regular basis and for their entire lives. NOPE. ALL OF YOUR VAGINAS GET TO CALL IN SICK FOR MENOPAUSE.

Comments

  1. I’m suuuuuuuuuuuper prone to yeast infections. It’s cruel & unusual punishment. I once itched so bad that I seriously considered a bottle brush (although the pain afterward changed my mind!). I had a doctor who suggested putting yogurt on my bits, but I was worried it would get sour and can you imagine that mess?!?!? I will say that taking a bath w/ baking soda in it helps SO much w/ the itch! Hopefully the pill is awesome and heals it all up! :D

  2. Love this post! You rock!

  3. Oh, geese, that is so miserable. I take a super duper probiotic every day. Religiously. That I pay out the nose for at the super crunchy health food store. My crotch itches just reading this post.

  4. When I was 8 months pregnant with Eden, I got a month long yeast infection. I’d do the three day treatment, all would be lovely for twenty-four hours, then WHAM! The yeast came back. I couldn’t take oral stuff so my doctor just recommended that I put up with it until I gave birth, which he promised me, would “clean everything out.” Longest month of my life.

  5. Danielle says:

    Diflucan…. oh Diflucan. How I ? Thee. Ok. I suffer from any and EVERY absurd malody ‘down there’. Bladder infections. UTIs. Kidney infections. Kidney stones. Yeast infections. My VERY very VERY best friends are Diflucan, acidophilus, epsom salts, cranberry pills and yogurt. An Epsom salt bath will do so much good. I got my first kidney infection at 12. Which led to a 2 day hospital stay and antibiotics that could kill godzilla. Those very antibiotics also introduced me to my very first yeast infection AT 12! Huge sucking bummer. Ever since then I’ve been prone to them. I soak 2x a week in Epson salt and take my cranberry pills (for lady bit internal health) and acidophilus everyday. They are NO fun. I’m sorry you had one on your super duper no kid getaway. Boo. ???? .

  6. Danielle says:

    Diflucan…. oh Diflucan. How I ? Thee. Ok. I suffer from any and EVERY absurd malody ‘down there’. Bladder infections. UTIs. Kidney infections. Kidney stones. Yeast infections. My VERY very VERY best friends are Diflucan, acidophilus, epsom salts, cranberry pills and yogurt. An Epsom salt bath will do so much good. I got my first kidney infection at 12. Which led to a 2 day hospital stay and antibiotics that could kill godzilla. Those very antibiotics also introduced me to my very first yeast infection AT 12! Huge sucking bummer. Ever since then I’ve been prone to them. I soak 2x a week in Epson salt and take my cranberry pills (for lady bit internal health) and acidophilus everyday. They are NO fun. I’m sorry you had one on your super duper no kid getaway. Boo. ???? .

  7. I love that pill! So much less messy than the creams. I tend to get yeast infections quite a bit. I don’t know why, they just seem to pop up quite often no matter how clean I keep myself or how soon I get out of my swimming suit after swimming laps. NOT FUN. I feel for you.

  8. Try being immunosuppressed. It’s like having a neon sign on your bits, and if you don’t get it taken care of quickly, it spreads to nearby bits. Pill and cream and then a 2 week course of the pill. Thankfully, now gone. EXPENNNNNSIVE probiotics are now my bestest friends!

  9. carymanda says:

    Holy hell I haven’t laughed so hard, Ever. I’ve never had one of those bad boys and I’m 36 this year. What a shattastic way to spend all your free lovin` time.

  10. I can’t do any kind of suppository; they give me breakthrough bleeding so Diflucan is my friend. BUT, and I say this from experience; yogurt works. It calms the flames while the pill does its job. I’ve even gone so far as to freeze it in a rubber glove and insert that sucker.

    Kim Reply:

    @Kerry, Almost as funny as Casey’s original post!

  11. Libby in WI says:

    i had the mother of all sinus infections got my antibiotics and then BAM! That itch!!! I was 35 when I got my first one and I was so pissed. I marched into my PA’s office and cursed a blue streak. She laughed, handed me the magic pice of paper and told me its noted in my chart. So now every sinus infection comes with Didlucan. Can’t breathe, leaking snot and burning crotchal regions. Fun!

  12. This was the best post I’ve read in ages! So sorry you didn’t get to have all the sex — I would have been bummed too! Hope you can make up for that soon. ????????

  13. This was the best post I’ve read in ages! So sorry you didn’t get to have all the sex — I would have been bummed too! Hope you can make up for that soon. ????????

  14. lindsey says:

    TMI… but yogurt does help with the burning and garlic clove tampon up in there also helps a ton! But yes, you can smell it and is very weird. You use a needle to put a string on the clove and up it goes. Do it at bedtime and it’s not so bad.

  15. Krystal says:

    Haha, love this post. I too just got my first yeast infection. I had no freaking idea what the hell was wrong with me at first though. I thought a yeast infection meant you get smelly and itchy. No one told me that it feels as you are on fire and super swollen at first. Since of course I was too embarrassed to go to urgent care since it was a holiday weekend and too poor to buy over the counter stuff then I took to the Internet for a cure. The yogurt bit grossed me out but I did try apple cider vinegar diluted and it was a life saver. Took care of the problem within 24 hours and I thankfully haven’t had a reoccurence since!

  16. Oh, honey…you’re preaching to the choir! Diflucan, a cool bath with baking soda and apple cider vinegar, followed by lying under the ceiling fan in the most unattractive of positions are my best friends!! Sorry about the lack of sexy time. Sad day

    Memphislis Reply:

    @Biddy, The ceiling fan comment painted such a picture. I am dying here, lol lol!!

    Biddy Reply:

    @Memphislis, haha glad to be of service! ;-)

  17. Oh and the garlic clove helps too…but don’t be surprised if someone asks if you’ve been baking garlic bread…

  18. PROBIOTICS! They are like body armor for your whoo-ha. I take them regularly to keep my digestive track happy, but when I travel, I up the dose to fight off all the “foreign entities”. I like VSL#3 (not sponsored). Good luck!

  19. I have had too many of those suckers to name. My body likes to go haywire after any kind of “intimate” moment, so I’m very careful about that. I get yeast infections, UTIs, and bacterial vaginosis if you look at it wrong. I have a supply of pills on hand :-)

  20. Love diflucan…it works wonders! I would also look into AquaFlora Candida High Potency 9. It’s all natural, has absolutely no taste and is completely safe. My daughter and I both hold high levels of yeast in our bodies, I was prone to infections and she had thrush for absolutely NO underlying reason when she was 4 and 5 intermittently (believe me….I had her tested for everything!). And while diflucan helped immediately, after having a course of the AquaFlora, we haven’t had another issue in 2.5 years. It puts everything back into sync and can’t hurt to try!

  21. I didn’t have one until I was 34, when I got one when I was pregnant. I don’t even remember specifically how it was, to be honest. Must have blocked it out. I ended up with both my first yeast infection and UTI during that pregnancy. I think the UTI was a surprise that they found during a routine exam, and I think I do recall the burning and misery of the yeast infection. At least, I vaguely remember being really annoyed that I needed a longer term treatment since the shorter ones were not considered safe during pregnancy. I guess the good news is that I wouldn’t have been getting a lot of action anyway. That’s a bummer about the vacation, though. I can only imagine how sad that was. Glad it’s getting better!

  22. I’m prone to yeast infections and have had way more than I could count. For a while in college I got them allll the time (I wasn’t sexually active at the time) and eventually figured out that it was because my bed was placed over the heat register (seriously). Every time I go on antibiotics I also get a scrip for Diflucan. For the past 8 years or so I’ve been on major probiotics and that’s seriously helped keep things non-yeasty. I totally understand that when you have one you become totally occupied with thoughts of your vagina… you can’t forget about it if you try! I will say though that I can tell RIGHT AWAY if one is coming, and early treatment is KEY. Like, stop what you’re doing, get home or to the pharmacy and take a pill NOW. If you didn’t know the early signs then you suffered much more than those of us who are more used to them. So sorry for your lost sexy times, but thanks for sharing your experience so humorously. :)

  23. Never gotten one, but I got my first UTI recently. Holy hell, that thing hit me like a truck. It was like the flu.

    And let’s hear it for new pap guidelines. I found out recently myself…no more paps until I’m 40. Oh, but then come mammograms. *grumble*

    I’ve had a colposcope. Just one. And if I ever need one again, I’m having all my lady bits surgically removed. Do not talk to me about menopause.

  24. ive had yeast problems for yearsssss. They suck so, so much!! Being pregnant has only made them worse and im just so over the yeast. I’m taking fancy, expensive probiotics now and the last month or two has been better so I think they are helping. I loved this post, so explains how my crotch feels during those miserable times. My husband loves to make yeast/bread jokes everytime I get one. He’s hilarious…not.

  25. I’m going to be 30 this fall and I’ve never had one. Though saying this makes me want to knock on every wood surface I can find.

    ky Reply:

    @hysterika, (I’m willing to knock on every wooden surface for you, as well. That’s awesome.)

  26. Oh.

    Oh.

    I nearly spat out my chicken and noodles (sexy lunch today, no?) on my laptop. This.post.is.magic.

    Oh. I’ve been there. And oh, oh, oh – there’s nothing like over-the-counter Diflucan in Mexico. Let me know if you need me to send you a few boxes. :) One pill per box, like $12. Amazing.

    Glad you’re healing.

  27. I actually think I could write you an entire blog post in response to this blog post. Where to begin…

    Once upon a time I was 18 and all perfect from my face to my feet and I went and got a staph infection on my face during a Spring Break in Key West. After a week in the sun (with unknown infection ahoy) I was a HOT MESS. The doctor pumped me so full of drugs and antibiotics I had a whole new skin on my face by my prom one week later.

    Fast forward a few months, when I had The First Itch. I survived the first one, got the drugstore creams and pills. And then I went to college, and I was getting the yeasties pretty regularly – along with an antibiotic to try and control the damage that the staph infection had done to my skin (danger ahead). Finally I decided that all the creams in the world weren’t cutting it, and told my doctor.

    And lo and behold, after tossing back the diflucan, and birth control pills, and antibiotics… I was still a wreck. Finally, after about 6 years, I dove to the deep corners of the internet and did a whole month of a sugar-free-carb-free diet to help “reset” my whole system. It was pure hell, I lost 10 pounds instantly, and was so faint I could barely get through an 8 hour workday – all in the hopes of killing the yeast that was overrunning my system.

    SO. We’re almost 10 years exactly from my first itch, and I can only say what’s worked for me:

    AZO Yeast pills. Some people say they are just a hoax, but I take them anytime I’m feeling prone to an itch (like that time of the month or after some quality couple time) and I think they keep the infections at bay. And if I have the first faint itch, but things haven’t progressed, I pop those things like candy.

    Yogurt. Eating it, mostly. When I’m feeling the burn, at least 3x per day. I’ve shoved it up there and while it felt really nice, I’m not sure it really DID anything. But it can be a relief when the fires burn the most… fiery.

    Diflucan. After the worst of getting them month after month… I really try to keep the diflucan for when I NEED it. I think after a few rounds, it becomes a little less effective, and I really need to know that I have that safety net is available when I need it. I’ve got a standing prescription from my doctor, so I can call it up day or night.

    Periods. So, it turns out my period was really really bad for my yeasties, but what really threw the whole system over the edge was tampons. I switched to several brands before realizing that any tampon irritated me to the point that things were raw and I think the yeast love that. Ick. So I started using a divacup at least 2 years ago and it’s made a HUGE difference.

    So far – that’s all I know. That and my fear of a long, recurring yeast infection after giving birth is the reason I don’t have any kids. So I feel your pain. Yeasties = the devil.

  28. Memphislis says:

    Oh my God Casey. The “vagina has gone rotten” part of your story… I choked. I get yeast infections at the drop of a hat: leave on a bathing suit too long? Check. Don’t pee and fire hose everything out with the shower wand after sex? Check and check. And if I decide to go all “I can cure this in a non chemical way! Let’s peroxide! Let’s yogurt! Let’s baking soda bathe!” then is spreads to my bum. And the outside skin like a diaper rash. It’s enough to make a girl envision scraping naked down the sidewalk like a dog. In other news, I sent you an email about shady picture borrowing practices.
    Melissa

  29. Hahahahahahahaha!! I love this so much it is almost too much for me to handle.
    Now you have me consumed with thoughts of your vagina too (all wrapped up in natural fibers.)

  30. Amy in StL says:

    I’ve only had one a couple times and OMG the itch! I switched to only cotton crotched panties after the last one. In other news, my period is known as Shark Week. And even though my friends all know that it still throws them when I say I’m staying home some night because its shark week and I don’t feel good. (I stole that term from a blogger and I love it)

  31. Dude. I am getting over bronchitis and they gave me Augmentin for an antibiotic which worked great for the bronchitis until my hoo exploded in fire. Needless to say, I am not finishing the antibiotic until I get my little lady back under control. Ugh the torture!!!!