It has been exactly two years since everyone in my life lost the version of me I had worked so hard to bring to life.

Many good people have stuck by me. New friends claim I’m perfect the way I am and that they are honored to know me now, as someone who has gone through shit and still standing.

The issue is while I am standing I have done nothing more than merely exist for a very long time.

It’s hard to explain what happened, as so many little things hurt me and imperceptibly molded me into a version of myself I don’t recognize — or have at least caused me to forget what I used to be like.

It’s as though I’ve collapsed around my heart, fiercely protecting it from everyone and everything because I simply do not trust anyone else with it.

If you’re here looking for the old me, know that I’m looking for her too. In the process I hope to take better care of who I am now, so I can nurture her back to being the optimistic, witty, laugh-hard, love-harder version of myself Cody fell in love with years ago.  And maybe I can learn to let people in again. And maybe help someone who has lost themselves as well.

It’s a terrible feeling, losing oneself and trying to start over before all the rubble has been cleared.

I know writing has always been a part of me, and hopefully by bringing it back it will serve as breadcrumbs for the rest of me to follow.

 

Comments

  1. I’m just here for you. Whichever side or version or incarnation shows up. They’re all worth it to me.

  2. Erika Jurney says:

    We’re here when you’re ready, Casey.

  3. I went looking for you the other day to see if you were still around and I was just missing your posts. Glad to “hear” your voice again. Thinking of you!

  4. I miss hearing your voice and watching the girls through your lens. Hope you are able to move forward with the lessons you’ve learned along the way and can grow into the person you need to be.

  5. I know what you mean. I’m very much in the same boat. It’s so scary. Please know that I love you very much and I do miss you desperately. My life will slow down tremendously in December. We need to go dancing and soon.

  6. Just when I think I haven’t heard from you for a while, and pray for you because I figure you aren’t doing so well, you turn up.

    I’ll continue to pray for you, that you find the person inside that you and your family know is in there. And for the joy to return, because joy is so much deeper than happiness.

  7. Hang in there Casey. You will come out the other side a different but more evolved you (whatever that means) take your time. Your writing has helped me through a rough patch or two. Deep breath and soldier on!

  8. All the best. I hope whatever you are going through gets easier and you always recognize that whatever version of you is visible is good enough, always.

  9. As someone who has upended their life and become new(ish, depending on who you’re talking to), and who feels in large part like they’ve retreated to protect themselves, too, I feel this very much.

    This is going to sound cheezy, but I never feel weaker than when I am learning to be strong.

    I think of you often.

  10. You are you, and you are perfect. So glad to read your words again. Hang in there and keep speaking. People are listening.

  11. Hug. Love.

    You are enough.

    Just as you are.

  12. I’m here. President of the Lurking Fan Club. Sending love and light to the old you, new you, the you that is yet to be. It’s all good. Life is an adventure, a journey. I feel privileged when you take us along on yours.

    B Reply:

    @Amy,
    This.

  13. I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that everyone I know is on their own little journey (to one degree or another) to discover themselves. We are not who we were, priorities shift, moods change, life kicks you in the face…it happens. We are all on our own adventure of self discovery amid ever changing situations… You’ll get there. Chin up friend you got this!
    Charlane

  14. what a wonderful idea, to try writing again. i understand the feeling of losing an old self you liked and not knowing who this new person is or not being comfortable in their skin. in time, that person will feel more comfortable and you’ll be able to find the ways she laughs and loves instead of trying to force her to be someone she’s not. we love you!
    xox
    laura leane

  15. paleblueorchid says:

    you got us hon. Including my weird southern self. I have respect for every side of you.

  16. May the breadcrumbs you leave guide you to a place of comfort. It may or may not be an old familiar haunt, perhaps the path leads to a new space, but in the end, if it is comfortable, if you find peace there, then it is right. Take your path at your pace – be it a cautious crawl or a full on #BusStopVivi run, it is your path. We are here, along the edge, and waiting in the comfortable place, with hands to hold and lights to shine on the path, and smiles, welcoming you.

  17. Melissa S. says:

    I will be praying for you, as I have been for Addie since your last post. My oldest (of three daughters) was recently diagnosed (if that’s what we’re to call the doctors’ “best guess”) as being Bipolar II, and with the “answer” we were so desperately seeking, came more questions and unknowns than I thought possible. There is so very much that I don’t understand, and don’t react or respond to appropriately. Aside from trusting our medical professionals, in my moments of greatest despair, I find the most we can do is our very best to love her through it, and hope like hell it’s enough.

    Thank you for any, and every, thing you choose to share here. Your words are always such an inspiration and beacon of hope. God bless you.

  18. sending love, casey.

  19. One post at a time. We’re still here, reading and sending love and light.

  20. HI Casey, I have been reading your blog for years but rarely comment. My oldest and Addie are close in age, as well as Vivi and my charlotte. I enjoy reading your blog and how real it is. I have had a tough year the last year of my life, I’m glad you are able to write about your tough things. Maybe I will try that too. I think I’ve been reading for about 9 years now, it’s nice to know your family, you are a beautiful person. We’re always working on better, new and improved versions of ourselves, I like to think of everything as “life in progress”. Always striving, but hopefully can find a way to be content at the same time, that is something I struggle with.

  21. This is when I wish we were still living near each other. That way I can be there for you as a friend. You were there for me at times, and really wish I could return the favor. Why do people have to move away? Oh yeah…because we grow up, and need to finish school, and transfer with jobs.

    I love you Casey!

  22. I am so delighted to have you back, in any form that you are on the pathway from where you are now to where you are going.

    That’s what brought me here and has kept me: you are remarkably resilient, a consistent and honest fighter. Your writings have time and time again helped me feel less alone, and I’m grateful to be here and hopefully return the favor.

    You are loved in any and every circumstance.