It’s hard to go forward without really knowing what happened.

Last year I was sexually assaulted.

What has been worse for me than the physical trauma of the act has been the deep psychological damage. The best way I have been able to describe it to anyone is that an electric mixer was put to my brain and instead of a smooth, solid brain with wiggles and curves I have what resembles a pile of burnt scrambled eggs.

I didn’t tell Cody¬† about what happened until a few months ago. Together we began telling those closest to us and responses ranged from “You need to go back to church and pray harder” to complete apathy, like I should be over it already. For anyone who has ever been through rape or sexual assault, you’ll know victim shaming and blaming is a very real thing and the reason so many people stay quiet.

So now those of you who have been around for awhile know why I broke, and why I didn’t talk about it.

I don’t want to be an uplifting voice for violence against women. I don’t want to be some hero survivor inspiration story.

I just want my fucking life back.

 

 

Comments

  1. You don’t have to be a champion and a fighter, you have already done that for new mothers, women dealing with depression, PPD, etc etc. You have done SO much for MANY people through your words and (I’m sure) your wonderful spirit. I am so sorry you were hurt, and no one can dictate to you how to move forward but I know you will. You are strong.

  2. I love you. You already knew that and you KNOW. So there you go. Love the hell out of you. And so do the rest of the Matthews.

  3. I have no words but to say that I am so very very sorry. My heart is breaking for you and I am so angry and sad for you. I wish I could take away the pain… and I hope you’re able to find a way to get your ****ing life back.

  4. You don’t know me, but your story and your words have made an impact on my life in so many ways over the years. I’m very sorry that this happened. I can’t say anything to make it easier. Just know that there are people out here who care about you, and hope you find your way through this and back to you.

  5. I don’t know what to say except that I am so sorry. I hope you can find your way through the obstacles and get your life back.

  6. Melissa Luebbe says:

    Reading this broke my heart. I enjoy your writing so much. Your honesty and humor have been a beacon for me.

  7. Oh my god, Casey. I am so so sorry. I’m livid & heartbroken for you. I wish I could just sit with you & talk or not talk & just sit. Love you.

  8. Paleblueorchid says:

    I am so sorry that happened Casey. You don’t have to be anything. Do what you need

  9. You don’t have to be an uplifting voice or an inspiration. I hope you can get your life back. Hoping you have the support you need to reclaim your life.

    (I believe in you.)

    (I was able to get my life back. Wishing that for you.)

  10. I love you. You’re beautiful. Take as much time as you need to heal.

    I hope in time you do get your life back.

    I’ll love you same all the way through your journey.

    You’re strong and amazing, and I know you’ll get through this.

  11. I’ve been lurking here for awhile, watching the beauty and struggles of your life, raising kiddos, living through a marriage. I’m so sorry to hear this. Thinking of you and hoping you find your way through this.

  12. Shannon McBride says:

    Holy **** Casey. I knew something was up but I never would have guessed this. I’m so sorry. I know exactly how you feel and it sucks. I’m always here to lend an ear. I won’t even talk back or interrupt :) You will get your ****ing life back….

  13. You don’t have to be anything you don’t want to be. The fact that you have a “following” puts you under no obligation to share or champion or be a poster-girl for anything at all. I have missed you, but that’s nothing you should feel any obligation to, either. Your only responsibility is to yourself and your little family: to do whatever it takes to be well. Saying that I am so sorry that such a thing happened to you seems trite and woefully inadequate, but I am. I truly am. So much heartbreak and love for you, my dear friend.

  14. You don’t have to be anything but you. Once you figure out how to get back to you (for everyone its different) you come back to us. YOU are strong and can do this. I’m sorry won’t fix it, but know that there are others out there, who have made it through as you will.

  15. Oh Casey. I’m so sorry.

  16. I love you. I love you healthy, I love you broken. I love you whole, I love you in pieces. I love you when you’re good and I love you when you’re burnt scrambled eggs. I just love you.

  17. Oh darling, I am so sorry. I want your life back for you, too. Do whatever you need to heal. Talk, be quiet, get therapy, take up something new. You deserve a beautiful life and a peaceful heart.

  18. What Chrysta said plus: I am so sorry. You will find your way back to your life, there is not one doubt in my mind. No one but you can, or should, dictate the right or wrong way to get there. You’re strong and amazing. Just keep being you and know that lots of people love you, but not in a way that should make you feel pressured. Just in a lift you up way.

    (P.S. If Canadian Kit Kat’s can help at all, I’m your girl…I know it’s trite, but sometimes the little joys can mean a lot)

  19. I’m so sorry.

  20. I HATE that that happened to you. Sending you all my love and support!!!

  21. Sarah Partain says:

    My heart is so heavy for you. How horrible. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

  22. I am so sorry this happened to you.

  23. Oh.
    I feel broken.
    Be you.
    Take your time.
    Take the love your friends and family give you, no questions.
    I hope you find your life. You need to be, not was.
    I wish you everything, Casey!

  24. I am so sorry you had to go through this. Stay strong.

  25. All the love and supporting shoulders to cry on or yell on or just talk about silly cat videos. I don’t have any magical words, I am so so sorry. It sucks. And it is not your fault. And you are not defined by this. And it is okay that you are not ‘over’ it. All in your time. My heart is breaking for you and all of us victims of sexual assault/rape.

  26. You don’t have to be anything to anyone on here or elsewhere. What you have been to me over the last several years is a light in the otherwise often dark and dreary Internet. Watching you navigate parenthood and depression and infertility when I have gone through so much at the same time has made me feel a little less alone and has made me smile when I desperately needed it. You’ve got a gift in your writing and I’ve enjoyed it for many years and hope to again some day. I hope that knowledge can help you find a little bit of happiness in this moment. And if not, that’s OK too. You don’t know me, but I’m here for you.

  27. I am so sorry Casey.

  28. I am so sorry Casey. My heart hurts for you. You owe nothing to anyone. Except yourself. To do what you can to get back to you. I pray that you are able to. Much love. xoxo

  29. Oh, lady. Those of us who are in this horrible club hate to see anyone else join it. Healing takes time, but it does happen. I believe you will get there, and you are on the right track.

  30. I’m so very, very sorry this terrible happened to you. Wishing you all the love and healing you need to recover. Jen in OK

  31. Oh, Casey. Like others have mentioned, your words have touched my heart in so many ways over the years. My heart aches for you as you try to figure out how to get your life back. Also, HOW DARE someone suggest you should just be over this or that you can somehow pray it away. All I can offer you is a giant virtual hug and a virtual listening ear. Peace to you and yours, my internet friend.

  32. Well, ****ity ****.

  33. Wow. I’m so pissed right now. But I’m mostly really sorry that this has happened to you. I feel like I’ve been through so much stuff with you, just in reading along and sometimes commenting over the years. This is so not fair. You don’t have to do anything. Just know that there are a lot of us here for you. Whatever that means. Sending good vibes and de-scrambleyness. Xo

  34. I have no words. None that will make a bit of difference anyway. As a long long time reader I just wanted to send you s virtual squish.

  35. Casey, I am sending you all my love, support, good wishes, prayers, rain dances and hope. Most of all, all my hope that things improve a tiny bit every day until you can see the light again.

  36. Casey, I’m sorry this happened to you and wish I could help you feel better.

  37. I dont have the words to say how sorry I am this happened. Take care of yourself and know lots of us care too xx

  38. I LOATHE this. I’m so sorry, Casey. Sending you big virtual hugs.

    SO MESSED UP!!!!

  39. You don’t have to be anything but you. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Take care of you one day, one moment at a time.

    Hugs.

  40. Casey, I have no words. I’m sorry. All I can do is send love. -Julia (@jdlevrec)

  41. I have no words -I am so sorry you are going through this. There is no excuse for what happened. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to -but just know there are others out there in your corner pulling for you.

  42. Casey. I’m so sorry. I’m horrified to hear that you’ve had to deal with this – it’s unfair, and it’s disgusting. I don’t have the right words, I think, to offer comfort, but I only hope that you find peace somehow.

  43. So very, very sorry to hear about what happened, and sharing in the collective anger over what you’ve had to go through since. I don’t have anything to offer that hasn’t already been said so well in the comments above, just another voice to add to the support. Despite this being a solo journey that you have to take, know that there are an army’s worth of hands ready and willing to hold yours as you do–no championing necessary.

  44. This sucks so much. So damn much. I’m so sorry.

    You will get your life back. It takes more time than we want it to, but it always comes back.

    Praying for you, and sending so many of the best vibes.

  45. Crap. I appreciate your description of what it did to your brain. I’m sorry you were not supported for your courage to speak up. I haven’t been there but I have been broken a few times. I have not walked in your shoes but clearly it has been enormously painful. I honor the struggle and anguish you have experienced. Many prayers, positive feelings and love your way as you fight to heal. Thank you for sharing.

  46. Oh Casey, I am so sorry this happened to you. I don’t know what to say other than that I wish I lived near you so I could try to help.

  47. Love, my friend. Just love for you. xo

  48. I am sorry this happened to you. It wasn’t your fault. I am glad you told Cody.

    **** all those who say to pray and think you should get over it.

  49. Lisa in TX says:

    I want to hug you so much. Just know that you are loved. You are loved by so many people. Your husband, your daughters, your friends, acquaintances here on the blog, God, and your cats. We want you to be whole again.

  50. I’m sorry, friend. If I could I would hug you, or hold you hand or just sit in silence with you. I hope you will find peace and can become whole again. I’m rooting for you.

Trackbacks

  1. aftermath. says:

    […] I’ve learned over the last year that there are two ways people generally deal with traumatic events similar to what happened to me. […]