It’s hard to go forward without really knowing what happened.

Last year I was sexually assaulted.

What has been worse for me than the physical trauma of the act has been the deep psychological damage. The best way I have been able to describe it to anyone is that an electric mixer was put to my brain and instead of a smooth, solid brain with wiggles and curves I have what resembles a pile of burnt scrambled eggs.

I didn’t tell Cody¬† about what happened until a few months ago. Together we began telling those closest to us and responses ranged from “You need to go back to church and pray harder” to complete apathy, like I should be over it already. For anyone who has ever been through rape or sexual assault, you’ll know victim shaming and blaming is a very real thing and the reason so many people stay quiet.

So now those of you who have been around for awhile know why I broke, and why I didn’t talk about it.

I don’t want to be an uplifting voice for violence against women. I don’t want to be some hero survivor inspiration story.

I just want my fucking life back.

 

 

Comments

  1. I am so very sorry. Sending so much love your way. xoxo

  2. Terri Cooper says:

    Please keep fighting to get your life back.

  3. I’m so sorry. I’ve been through it myself. And it ****ing sucks. And it messes with every aspect of your life. I kept it to myself for a long time too and most of the people closest to me still do not know what happened. The reactions of the few I told were not positive and I completely shut down. Keep fighting. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and my prayers.

  4. I am deeply sorry that you experienced sexual assault. Sometimes the world can be such a scary place. I hope you can process it all in a way that leaves you with peace. Warm hugs to you.

  5. I’m so sorry that happened to you. I was raped five years ago, and I’m still not over it. My bishop’s reaction to my telling him is one of the major reasons I left the church. No matter what anyone says, it’s okay to take the time you need to heal, and no matter what it feels like it wasn’t your fault. Keeping you in my thoughts.

  6. Oh…..my heart is breaking for you. I’m so, so very sorry you have had to experience this. And even more sorry that you haven’t gotten the love and support you deserve. Sending love and light your way through the ether. And I so hope and pray that you now have people irl who can be loving and supportive as you fight to get your life back.

  7. I know I sent you a text (I’m super horrible about talking on the phone). Please know I love you and don’t expect you to be over it and I refuse to tell you to go back to church and pray harder. What you need is love, support, and that’s it. I’m here when you need me, even if it’s just to sit there in silence and let you be. I will come build a blanket fort if you need, find the best chocolate I can find, I will do whatever you need me to do. As I survivor myself, I know that it goes day by day, minute by minute, second by second. Please know that I love you and just want to help you in any way I can.

  8. Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba) says:

    I am so sorry, Casey.

  9. you deserve your life back. even though you don’t want to be a hero, you are. xox

  10. I’m so sorry. Your well being and that of your sweet little family are all you need to worry about. Take care of yourself and try not to let people on the outside hinder your path. As the saying goes “opinions are like assholes, everybody has one, no one wants to see them”.

    Hang in there. We’re rooting for you.

  11. When crap happens to me, I know I appreciate people saying something, even if it’s awkward, rather than saying nothing. So this is me saying something. I’m so sorry this happened to you. So deeply sorry.

  12. Sending you love. And support. And understanding. And all the feelings.

  13. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Telling people is the hardest part. When I told my family I heard things I will never forget cone from their mouths let alone what I heard from so called friends. The only thing that really helped is remembering “this too shall pass”. Repeat at to yourself when you are really hurting. I promise you will feel better. Five years ago I thought the pain inside was going to kill me. Now I’m happy again. You will get better. Hang in there. Focus on your family and whatever makes you feel better. Take care of you.

  14. Kim Trimble says:

    Love you.

  15. I am so, so sorry. I hope that you are able to find peace with yourself, not to let this rule/ruin your life. I have read your blog and respected your honesty in dealing with depression and illness.

    There is no timeline for dealing with something like this. You heal the best way you can.

  16. And Cody is the most important person to tell, so he can be beside you and understand the cause of why you broke. I’m sorry for the indifference or the ‘solutions/answers’ people give you to ‘fix it’. I understand why you don’t want to be a hero, or uplifting spokeswoman. And I know what it is like to want your life back. I finally have mine back after nearly 40 years (assaulted as a child), but it took all that time, and only about 5 people and the Lord know about it. And it was only last week that I trusted a very trusted, long time friend to work with me and the Lord to redeem my life.

    So, I guess I’m saying I am so sorry that it happened, and that you are living with that burden, and I am glad that you have Cody with you to just BE with you, to listen when needed, and to love you, and hold you, and that there will come a time when you can trust the Lord with it (that doesn’t necessarily mean through people, either!). Hugs, so many hugs being sent your way.

  17. I am so sorry that this happened to you Casey!

    If you’ve read my blog you know that I was sexually abused as a child, but what most people don’t know is that I was also assaulted. Beat up, but by the grace of God I got away. Maybe someday I’ll write about it, but for now I feel as if I’m healed from all the abuse I’ve endured. It will take time Casey. I love you, and you will get your life back. Take care of you!

    xoxoxoxoxoxo

    Rose

  18. Oh Casey. I am so, so sorry this happened to you. :(

  19. Oh Casey. I am so sorry. The words don’t help, but know that you are being thought of and lifted up. May you find the healing that you need.

  20. I don’t think I’ve ever commentedon your blog but followed for years. But here I am now. And I’m so deeply sorry for what you experienced and are still recovering from. I will pay for healing over your heart and mind.

  21. Oh my god, I am so, so unbelievably sorry that this happened to you. I am sorry for the idiot people you have told, who have no ****ing clue and who don’t get to have any kind of opinion on how they think you should be “getting over” this. **** that and **** them. Someone very close to me was raped many years and I would never, will never EVER tell her she should be over that. Moment by moment.Sending lots and lots of love and light.

  22. I was raped twice in college. And for such a very long time I blamed myself.

    But now I’m finding my way back. I will never be the same girl I was. It’s not going to happen. But I’ll never be the same girl I was yesterday or the day before that even. Because every day I am a different person. All I can do is hope and work towards being someone close to that girl.

    I’m so sorry someone hurt you. It’s a horrific experience I would never wish on anyone.

  23. Oh my goodness! I am so terribly sorry!

  24. lisa smifth says:

    What happened?

  25. I am so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been for you and your family.

    I know people you tell have been awful. Please know it isn’t about you. People always look for a way to make tragedy the victim’s fault. It’s easier to assume you did something wrong than to accept something like that could happen to them.

    You are in my thoughts.

  26. darkwitless says:

    I’ve worried that some terrible darkness had happened. My heart hurts for you and yours.

  27. Sarah Donahoe says:

    You can do it.
    You belong on earth.
    Please do not leave.
    Your only job is finding a way to stay. You don’t have to do anything else.

    Am important part of you has been injured and festering alone for a long time. You don’t have to be ok yet. You don’t have to be who Cody fell in love with. You don’t have to be who you used to be. You just have to stay on the planet. Things are different now, but they won’t feel like hamburger forever.

  28. Geez, Casey, I’m so sorry. Thinking of you !

  29. Oh Casey, I am so sorry this happened. I am sending as many positive thoughts as I can. HUGS

  30. My heart dropped into my shoes when I read this post. I’m so sorry. *hugs* I hope you can find the strength you need at this time. Take good care of yourself.

  31. I am so sorry and I wish I had something profound to say. All I can say is, it gets better. *hugs*

  32. You will get your life back, I promise. It took me more than a decade to get close to finding mine. Hugs.

  33. Oh God… how horrible. I’m so sorry.
    It boggles my mind to know that you’ve encountered negative/apathetic attitudes… but please believe that, in the bigger picture, for each 1 of those people there are 50 more who would lift you up in love.
    Praying that you find support and strength to continue healing. xoxo

  34. Stephanie says:

    I’m so, so sorry. Keep fighting to get back to some place where you feel like yourself again. xoxoxo.

  35. You are so brave. Thank you for being a voice for yourself and others who have experienced this. Voicing that all you want is to heal yourself, not save the world. I wish I had a better way to show support, but I don’t know what you’re going through and can’t pretend to. I just send you a hug and a prayer for peace.

  36. I’m so very sorry, Casey.

  37. *big big hugs*

    I so know the feeling.

  38. Vicky Struyk says:

    You are brave. You are fighting. And that is enough. Never Ever give up. Baby steps. Baby steps….

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