Think of the most terrible thing that has ever happened to you.

Think of what changed after the terrible thing happened.

Are you able to see the good things that happened in the wake of (and as a result of) disaster as genuinely “good” things?

To the point you wouldn’t go back and undo the terrible thing that happened because what you have become since is so much more?

Or do you see them as rewards for surviving?

I would never undo my depression, my difficult pregnancies, or my battle with infertility — the lessons learned and benefits gained are too great.

But I would undo my assault in a heartbeat if I could. There is nothing I can point to that makes this much pain worth it.

Yet, at least.

It's my 30th Birthday. (April 28th)

Hi. I’m Casey, a recovering optimist.

Comments

  1. We lost a premature baby over three years ago. People often say that one should look for the good to come out of a terrible situation. You know what? There is nothing good about a baby dying in your arms. There is nothing good about the subsequent waves of anxiety about your living kids most days. I would go back in a heartbeat and change our situation if I could. There is no meaning in it. It’s just a terrible terrible thing that happened to us. Looking for meaning makes
    it worse, in my opinion. Like a callous God causing something to happen to make you ‘grow ‘. Ugh. No.

    I’m so sorry that happened to you. I pray that your heart and body will find some measure of peace.

  2. I’m so terribly sorry you were a victim of assault.

    You’re right… something like that never makes sense. It’s just something that should never, ever happen.

    I’m lucky to have never had anything like assault happen to me. But like you, I’ve battled depression and infertility and they have taught me many lessons and allowed me to connect and help others. I wouldn’t trade those experiences now.

  3. This is something that I find myself really battling with. I’ve had some AMAZING things happen to me, seriously, my life needs a trademark symbol because it’s THAT perfect looking and is reminiscent of a curated scene.

    BUT, I also struggle with bipolar disorder, major depression, PTSD, abysmal self-esteem, and a painful past that includes sexual assault, molestation, abuse, neglect, and a helluva lot of trauma. I have attempted to complete suicide three times.

    I’m trying to process why this is my story. Why do I live with this testimony and struggle with the shame and guilt every. single. day. I keep hoping that I can one day use these experiences for good, to help other people, but this road is long and equally as painful to walk through the second time around.

    But now, at least I’m not *quite* as lonely.

  4. Victoria says:

    No good has come of my terrible things. xo

  5. I understand. It doesn’t get “better,” but it does become “easier.” Sending light and love today.

  6. I hear you, Casey. Thank you so much for your transparency and honesty.

    I am so sorry that you are on this journey, particularly for the pain of it. However, I am so thankful that you are letting us come along with you. I’m delighted that you are taking the steps of recovering your optimism, and I’m honored and grateful to be along for the ride.

  7. Roberta says:

    This is, unfortunately, something I have thought about a lot. I saw you post this question on Twitter, and I had to come here and comment. I was struck by a car while out on a run in December 2014. It could have been much worse. I had fractures in my leg and hip, a sprained ankle, bumps and bruises, and a 9 x 6 centimeter piece of my scalp was torn off. A cop issued me a $5 ticket as I lay in the ER, for “putting myself in the path of a moving vehicle” – literally adding insult to injury. I spent a week in the hospital, mostly because of the surgery to repair the injury to my scalp. My injuries healed, though I needed a second surgery on my scalp. I started running again as soon as I was medically allowed. I battled mild PTSD. I didn’t sleep. Crossing streets still terrifies me, though not all the time any more. I am still so angry at myself, for letting this happen to me and my family, even though I have information from a passenger in the car that it was not my fault. I am in the midst of more reconstructive surgery on my scalp, so that I won’t have two big bald spots on my head any more. Since that accident, I have wished, every day, many times a day, that I could go back in time and do something, *anything* different so that the accident could have been avoided. Not gone on the run, gone later, gone a different way, stayed on the curb for five seconds more, looked left one more time. I would absolutely, positively, go back and erase that accident if I could. These are experiences that I did not want, did not need, and I’m not sure I will ever be glad that I endured them, or think that any lessons learned were worth it. So. That’s where I’m at. Love and healing to you, always.

  8. I would never take my dark experiences of what happened to me throughout my childhood years, a teenager, a young adult, the trials we’ve faced in my marriage as well as the things we are dealing with today as a family. My sexual abuse, and assault is something that will always be in the back of my mind no matter what, but as time as goes by I can honestly say that I’ve been healed, and in all honesty would not take any of those things back. It took me a long time to realize that, but If those things didn’t happen to me Casey I wouldn’t be the wife, mother, sister, and human being I am today! Everyone is different, and we are all on different levels when it comes to how we view things of the world, especially when it comes to a spirituality. I have to say that my relationship with Heavenly Father keeps me strong, and focused in being who I am today, because I choose to be. It took me a lot of years to deal, heal, accept, forgive, and manage but with time every sad, and unwanted experience you wish you didn’t have to go through in life takes time to heal. I know from experience that I have used my voice, and have helped someone “deal” because we’ve been through the same experiences! Especially when it comes to a family member, or someone you love who is dear to your heart! Some take longer than others, and I’m proud that you are finding your way to mend, heal, and recover in a way that is comfortable for you! Just remember that none of it is your fault!!! You’re doing great Casey! Love ya!