It’s a pretty solid sign of the times when your once thriving little corner of the Internet displays ‘ACCOUNT SUSPENDED’ because you have successfully (albeit accidentally) avoided adding auto-pay to your account for over a year.

Since you’re reading this rather than ‘ACCOUNT SUSPENDED’ I’ve clearly accomplished something today.

I’m starting out this year 40 pounds heavier than my clothes are used to. I’m not terribly upset about it, I know how I got here, I know how to get out, I know obsessing about my weight in the past has never done me a darn bit of good and I also know from looking back at old photos of myself that I had/have some serious body dysmorphia issues and missed out on a lot because I thought the size of my thighs mattered.

When talking about safety weight* with a friend she told me a therapist once told her “Sometimes the vessel has to be big enough to carry the burden.

These extra inches and pounds have been through a lot with me, and I like the visual of tucking my pain and sorrows into the extra soft bits I’ve accumulated, then sweating and pounding them out of me in various and assorted ways. Some days I will need to be nicer to myself with a leisurely walk and guacamole, while other days will begin with kale and burpees. (Kidding! Kale is disgusting.)

2016 was the year Cody and I finally figured out how to be really good at being married. That doesn’t mean we didn’t fight (we did) or that we won’t fight again (we will.) It means we still have a whole lifetime ahead of us, and it only took 15 years of practice to finally feel as though things are humming along. (Please note this does not take into account all the other grown-up stuff grown-ups are expected to do, it merely means that I really like the guy I get to (have to?) do all those grown-up things with, like raise kids and schedule appliance repairs.)

2016 was also the year I learned I had very unhealthy boundaries so I got myself some much healthier ones and said peace out to the people and things that didn’t respect them. I also stopped apologizing for things that weren’t my fault.

2016 also proved to me that vulnerability is both my greatest strength and most exposed weakness — and of all the strengths and weaknesses to have, vulnerability suits me.

Here’s to new beginnings.

*Safety Weight: The weight gained after a traumatic event (see: sexual assault) to make one feel less noticeable and desirable.

 

 

 

Comments

  1. Angela S. says:

    I like the part about the vessel being large enough to carry the burden. My burden is not sexual abuse, it is a child battling depression, anxiety, self harming and who has been in one facility or another for 3 months. Yep I have gained but I am also surviving and that is enough. Yay for liking the guy you’re with and getting rid of the people who make things worse. I miss your voice.

  2. It’s good to hear from you and that you are doing well. Hope the new year brings more posts.

  3. I need to think of you more often, you write when I think of you!

    But, I am glad to hear your voice, and know you are traveling along okay, and that you and Cody are doing really well, as I am sure Addy and Vivi are also.

    Well done on cleaning out the unhealthy boundaries, and I pray that the coming year holds more blessings than you can imagine!

  4. We’ve missed you. I was so happy to when i came here today to check on you and saw this post. Lots of love lady, lots and lots of love.

  5. Solidarity and guacamole, 4eva!

    xox

  6. I gained weight at puberty, in response to being put on diets starting at the age of 5 (wasn’t overweight– obsessive guardian) and abandonment issues. I had gastric bypass surgery at 23. I lost 90lbs, gained back 40. Then, finally, at almost 30 I went ENOUGH and just stopped dieting, stopped weighing myself, all of it. It was surreal– I didn’t know how to do it. I was like wait, so I’m NOT gonna beat myself up all the time? I forced myself not to get on the scale for six months. I have to feel a lot of feelings that I always repressed with food, but I’ve never been happier with my body. <3

  7. Even though I follow your IG i will check up on your blog, and voila!!! You wrote. So proud of your attitude when it comes to struggle Casey, and I know that things will get even better for you emotionally, physically! You are a funny, and beautiful person inside and out! Trust in god, have faith, and all will be well. you know where I am if you ever, ever want to chat! I love ya!

    xo-Rose

  8. So glad you are back!

  9. Long time lurker here–so glad to see an update from you. I love your writing–and guacamole :)