I don’t want to be writing this one. I’m kind of embarrassed and ashamed about a lot of it.
You see, even though I talk openly about depression and infertility? I always harbored this silly little stereotype in the back of my head that said “depression is real, anxiety is not.”
Yep. I figured anxiety issues were for people who just couldn’t handle their own emotions. A sort of made up problem to get people out of social and difficult situations. Much like I used a “sprained” ankle to get me out of running in high school gym.
It’s been over eight months since my first anxiety attack. And guess what kids? Anxiety is a completely real thing that sucks.
Right now I’m just hoping it will go away. Or maybe that it’s not even real, that it was just something I ate. Sadly the truth is that it was something I had shot into my butt.
Why the hell didn’t I google Lupron? Why did I just listen to my doctor?
Why is it that I can google chapped lips to the point where I’m almost certain my lips are destined to fall off from some third world fungus but something serious such as permanently altering my hormones I don’t even type into that little search box up there?
Whenever I google Lupron now, I find stories very similar to mine. “Lupron Brain, permanent mood disorders, loss of cognitive ability.”
It’s both a blessing and a curse that my blog comes up as one of the only real accounts of Lupron.
After a complete meltdown (read: anxiety attack) at church today I wrote nine words to Cody that encompass almost every thought I’ve had lately.
“I wish I could be me a year ago.”
He understood exactly what I meant.
I feel like over the past month I have found part of myself again. Or at least brought to light the new me that I’m going to have to navigate through life from now on.
This girl is gone I’m afraid. (Crap. How great was her hair?)
But hopefully this new girl will find her place and kick some ass while she’s here.