moosh in indy.

Who’s played Wii Fit?

Has it made you cry yet?

Have you at least sworn at it?

I have.

You see, Wii Fit is a computer. It could care less if you’re a hulking beast of muscle. All it knows is that you’re 5′2″ 26 years old and that you weigh 127 lbs. It doesn’t know about your delicate wrists or your slender neck. It just knows that mathematically the BMI for a 5′2″ 127 lb. 26 year old woman is 21.47.

21.47 is normal, 21.47 is healthy. It even tells you you’re normal and healthy. It will even indulge you with a Wii Fit age of 24 years old.

Aw, Wii Fit, you’re making me blush.

Hop on Wii Fit a week later after two days of period water weight bloat and a half box of Oreos from the night before and the Wii Fit will notice that you are now a 5′3″ woman who weighs 128.2 lbs. The Wii Fit will then draw an ENORMOUS RED LINE at a very steep angle from your previously recorded weight of 127 lbs. followed by a screen giving you six options as to why you’ve gained weight.

Why do you think you’ve gained weight this past week Casey?

a. I eat too much.

b. I eat before bed.

c. I don’t exercise enough.

d. I watch too much SYTYCD.

e. I eat half bags of Oreos in one sitting.

f. I don’t know.

No where is there an option for “I am a bloated heifer carrying around enough extra water weight to drown a small dinghy”.

So I selected “I don’t know.”

Wii Fit came back and told me some garbage about me being accountable for my eating habits and he’s just sure I know why I gained two pounds and to play Wii Fit everyday and he won’t let me get tubby like I’m letting myself get tubby without his cute computer sounds and addictive games.

This is when the Wii Fit was formally told to suck it.

Wii Fit then made my Mii avatar chubbier around the midsection, to reflect my newfound weight gain.

Touché , Wii Fit. touché .

Dear Hallmark,

I cry at commercials. I don’t normally bawl at commercials.

Until this year.

This whole keepsake ornament campaign you’re running? Allow me to hand over my credit card so I can give you the applause you deserve.

The one with the little girl doing the victory dance after she makes a goal? And then her parents buy the soccer goal ornament?

Gargantuan amount of tears. Messy snotty tears.

Because that’s exactly what the moosh would have done.

So, the moosh asked Santa for a big big Cinderellla Dress and big big Cinderella shoes and a big big Cinderella crown.

Guess the ONLY present the moosh is getting from Santa?

Uh huh.

I know.

Then I walk into my local Hallmark store and guess what ornament is hanging there?

Uh huh.

I know.

Remember the moosh’s birthday cake?

Remember that the moosh got a dress and a doll and a movie that matched the moosh’s birthday cake?

Enter Hallmark.

Uh huh.

I know.

Your marketing is impeccable.

I was honestly shedding tears while purchasing these ornaments. Shedding tears over the cheesy memories that are going to come from these ornaments for dozens of years from this Christmas. Shedding tears over my own personal Hallmark moment.

Oy.

Hallmark, dudes, wow.

Seriously.

Love and kisses,

Casey

P.S. If I just happen to end up living in Kansas City in a couple years, hire me. Okay? I’d be the best thing that ever happened to your company. You let me know who to talk to. Honestly.

In an effort to keep princesses from taking over my entire existence, I decided to introduce some more “testosterone laden” toys into the moosh’s collection.

Enter the Autobots. (Decepticons? I don’t know how to tell. Cody will be so disappointed.)

“What new land have we here, FlyBaller?”

“Not sure, PremiumGrind, let’s find some locals.”

Needless to say, Mr. and Mrs. Little People were not for opening up their door to ginormous shape shifting robots with guns for arms. So the bots traveled over to Weebleville, hoping the local law enforcement could give them some information about this new pink princess world.

Sadly, Penguin Officer Weeble was so frightened by the newcomers he was speechless (and messed his Weeble Police car, but shhh. That’s between us).

Then from across the room came a sweet voice,

“Boys? Oh Boys?” it was Snow White, the village harlot.

Snow White, FlyBaller and PremiumGrind all made fast friends.

Did I mention they made fast friends with the liquor cabinet too? It was a shameful sight when the village awoke to the three miscreants the next morning.

The townspeople had had ENOUGH. With pitchforks in hand they tossed out the surly newcomers.

The Autobots had no choice but to head out of town on the last Pooh train of the day.

Beaten, dejected, but satisfied. Snow White sure did know her way around shifters and ball bearings.

*******************

Are you DISGUSTED with me? It all started when I was trying to change one of the Transformers from car to robot and Cody told me “Transformers aren’t supposed to involve grunting, you’re doing it wrong.” Then he made me watch Transformers last night.

Talk about weird dreams.

If you have a little boy in your house posing as your husband or boyfriend, the Transformers movie was MADE for him. Same geeky deliciousness as the ’80’s cartoon, only updated with better graphics and lots of cleavage.

AUTOBOTS!

ROLL OUT!