moosh in indy.

Ah, yes. Google “orgasm on treadmill” and guess who’s #1?

Hi. That would be me.

Apparently I’ve taught the world a lot about odd things that can occur when exercising.

I just never thought I’d teach my teacher (and entire class) about these odd things.

I continue to take a yoga class where my flexibility and bendy parts still service me well. As you may remember I’m quite good at the “plow” pose. It was while in the “plow” Monday morning that my teacher decided to make an example out of me.

“Can you bring your hips straight up and your legs out?”

Of course everyone in the class turns to look at me.

“Hi!”

I started to do it until I noticed the eerie silence in the room and the fact that all eyes were on me. When I move out of plow, I queef. Hardcore.

I dropped out of the pose quickly and mumbled “I’m always afraid I’ll queef when I do that.”

“Excuse me what?”

“Queef, you know, a, uh, a vaginal toot?”

This is when my yogini laughed hysterically and thanked me for giving a name to this COMPLETELY COMMON yoga freak of farting. And in fact if you DON’T queef chances are you’re not doing it right.

So queef with pride my sisters, it’s one fart that lets you know you’re doing something right.

Remember I said the moosh wanted to be a ballerina?

Mission accomplished.

Do you have any idea how much better my brain functions at 78 degrees? Or 85 degrees if a swimming pool is nearby? Way better. The last time I was blindsided by depression was in February. Blah, icky, gloomy, stupid February. And I also have a confession to make.

This last little bout?

Totally more or less my fault.

Someone forgot to call in her refill request. A week went by, constant thoughts of “OH I SHOULD GET THAT REFILLED” went through my head. But I always found something to distract me. Blah blah long story short I bottomed out awful quick and when I finally called in my refill request I was smacked down with a whole bunch of BS NO HEALTH INSURANCE BUREAUCRACY.

Side note.

Dear Cody,

If you take a job that doesn’t offer benefits you will be eating Spaghettios and rye bread until the day you die. I will make sure of it.

xo-Red

Apparently I needed to go back and have my level of crazy re-evaluated. I tried to explain to them that I felt fine, the medication that was prescribed to me last time was working wonders, I didn’t have any insurance coverage that would allow me to come back in at a price we could afford and IF THEY DIDN’T GIVE ME MORE I WOULD END UP BAT CRAP CRAZY SO GIVE ME THE DRUGS!

*ahem*

I guess in my current lucid condition I can see why they may have suggested a re-evaluation instead of handing over prescription medication.

Long story short. I’m not any more crazy than I was four months ago, or even four years ago. The meds stayed the same and I will be calling in refill requests a month in advance. I may even just stockpile them. Along with thousands of hand sanitizing wipes and packets of stolen Sweet & Low. And then I’ll get a bunch of cats and yell at kids who play on my lawn. I could easily become that lady.

In the meantime I am taking good care of myself. I am surrounded by lovely friends who also take good care of me. I have one that stands at my door and sings me songs at the top of her lungs, I have another one who offers copious amounts of cupcakes along with babysitting services, I have yet another one that promises to drag my sorry rear out to dinner and feed me until I can’t think let alone feel. I got dozens of sweet sweet emails, many with funny stories to take my mind of the garbage my brain was trying to pull over on me. I even have one friend who called just to make fun of me.

Thanks you guys.

I am in a wonderful place.

Short of baking my kid to a crisp today at the pool (seriously, has anyone ever heard of one kind of sunscreen negating another kind and actually inviting the burning rays of the sun to suck all life out of tender flesh? Because I swear that’s what happened.) I had a very good day.

I even took my first Pilates class. Yeah, you should be laughing.

Do they sell cores at Costco? I could really use one.