random ankles

Last week Cody took Vivi into the restroom at a restaurant so she could do her business. When she was done, he asked her to stand with her nose in the corner so he could do his as well.

Afterwards she burst out of the restroom and shouted “DAD DIDN’T SIT DOWN AND HE PEED OUT OF HIS BELLYBUTTON!” as soon as she saw me.

Threenager.

Last night on FaceTime she asked my dad if he was pregnant.

She also currently hates trees. (She has for awhile, one evening she simply got out of the car, looked around and said “I hate trees.” Her position has yet to change.)

She blames all of her farts on the cat, even at two a.m.

She is terrified of spiders and believes that any injury or illness is called an ‘ankle’.

We’re all headed out on a cruise next week in order to answer the question that has been plaguing Cody and me since our first cruise, can you actually leave a cruise relaxed if you have a toddler in tow? (Specifically a toddler like Vivi?)

She woke me up by throwing (her clean) underwear at my head and screaming “MOM I’M HUNGRY.” this morning.

I WISH I WAS THIS EXCITED ABOUT SWIMSUIT SEASON! (suit from H&M)

I took both girls to the library this afternoon, and without getting too specific — Vivi has had some trouble when it comes to potty training. Today I was the mom who had to pull her toddler out of the children’s section of the library, as she screamed and sobbed “I don’t want to go!” I knew she had had an accident, and in an effort to keep drama to a minimum I didn’t fully survey the damage before heading straight for the restrooms at the front of the building. It wasn’t until we made it to the front (after walking by dozens of people) that I realized her accident had made a much bigger mess than I had ever anticipated. Add in the fact that she insisted on keeping her skirt above her head as we walked out…and I’m really sorry to anyone who was at the library today.

*insert defeated sigh*

It was one of those moments when I want to tell those who choose to be child-free, “YOU MADE A FINE CHOICE FOR YOURSELF. I ENVY THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE COVERED IN POO AT THE PUBLIC LIBRARY.”

Tonight that little toad crawled into my lap smelling of soap and cookies and said “You’re the best, mom.” and I thought “You know what? I kind of am.” and I realized that even though I don’t love this job all the time, it at least has enough perks to keep me around.

Her eyebrows more accurately represent what's lurking inside her, not that impish grin and button nose. #WolfInToddlerClothing #WatchOutBoyShellChewYouUp

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victoria’s vendetta.

I have always had a love/hate relationship with Victoria’s Secret. Her stuff is lovely, but overpriced and in all honestly, non-functional. Not to mention it’s all packaged and sold to us from the bodies of the most gorgeous and unrealistic teenagers Brazil has to offer. But still, every once in awhile a girl wants something a little frilly and impractical to flounce around in. I learned back in April that Victoria now has something close enough to my size, 32F, which she calls 32DDD and which I call “just small enough to give me a backache and cleavage of champions.”

Out of curiosity I meandered through a local store to see what lace and rhinestone encrusted beauties Victoria had for me. This is what I found:

selection

black and beige

options

not you

Nevermind, Victoria. You clearly didn’t need or want my money anyway.

Somewhat related, here’s a photo of Vivi with one of my big boring bras on her head:

20140524_100824

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weekend update.

Years ago I heard one of my favorite authors speak about her writing process, and one thing she said that stuck with me was “I like to write about things with a resolution.” At the time it didn’t make sense to me, I was in the midst of law school, infertility and being thousands of miles away from everything I had grown up with.

Had I only stuck to writing about things with resolutions I would have had nothing to write about.

Last week at Disneyland (because you’ve been around long enough to know if I’m not here, I’m at Disneyland) I went on Space Mountain with a friend, and as I described my writer’s block crisis he said “I don’t like to write about things when I don’t know how they’ll end.”

So that’s why I haven’t been here much, for the first time I’m not sure how this part is going to end.

I’ve written a lot of things in my head and it’s all scatterbrained nonsense, better if I keep it to myself than smear the messy stuff all over the place.

I want to write more, I miss it. I miss my camera too. Now that the sun is out with some sense of regularity I feel like I can finally breathe a sigh of relief that I won’t be cold again until November.

I was so tired of being cold.

Addie got bronchitis a couple of weeks ago, that was kind of terrible. Vivi will be three in in two weeks, I will be 32 in one week and I cannot believe it is almost May. 2014 hasn’t been the best, but that it is flying by makes things slightly more bearable.

Baby steps back to writing.

Hope you’re well.

Bless.

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the one about the hit and run.

Early Saturday morning I was sideswiped on the freeway and sent spinning into the center median of I-70.

Whoever hit me simply drove off, they didn’t even slow down.

After getting a clear look at the damage on my car today there’s no way they could have been unaware of hitting me. (Also, if you’re in Indy, it was a light silver SUV of some sort that hit me, the damage would be on their driver’s side front fender, there would most certainly be dark purple paint from my car.)

It’s amazing how many thoughts go through your head in such an intense moment, I almost wish someone had been in the car with me to marvel at how under control I kept things, not over correcting out of the spin and keeping the car relatively under control. Once I stopped against the wall and knew I wasn’t hurt, I calmly went for my phone, called 911 and reported what had happened. I even used manners and knew enough about my surroundings that officers made it to me in less than 5 minutes after I crashed.

Sadly once the official stuff was taken care of is when I lost it. (Which is to say I called Cody and left him a sobbing and shaky message.) Even the officer that reported to the scene asked several times if I really was okay from all the shaking. It was easy enough, cleaning it all up, getting the report taken care of and continuing on my way. But in the aftermath, the quiet that happened once I was truly safe, that’s when the reality of what had happened sunk in.

It could have been so much worse, whoever hit me could have killed me.

I could have hit another car, or been hit by another car who couldn’t avoid me and if you’ve ever been on I-70 you’ll know how lucky I am there were no semis around me.

I figured I was over thinking things, people get in accidents all the time. It wasn’t until I posted something about it to Facebook that I got several private messages from people who had been on the receiving end of a hit and run, all confirming that it’s something that truly does mess with you on some strange indescribable level. (Translation: Good! I’m not crazy!)

Insurance has been a joke to deal with. I have nothing nice to say about auto insurance right now.

Some people have taken it personally that I didn’t wake them at 4 am to tell them I had been in an accident. I really am physically fine, and it’s not as though anyone could have done anything for me that I didn’t or couldn’t have taken care of myself. The mental stuff will require a bit more, I just hate that I now know what it feels like to be hit, to spin out of control and slam into a wall. I know what it all sounds like, which is one of the reasons I don’t watch the news or violent TV shows — I simply don’t want to know what violence and terror look or sound like.

I sleep much better at night not knowing, thank you very much.

Hope you’re all doing well, the compassion and care you’ve shown me over the last few weeks hasn’t gone unnoticed, I’m incredibly grateful for it, for you. Even if I haven’t been able to adequately respond, I’m so thankful you’re around.

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the one about all the stomach flu blues.

Hey. So I’m just going to go ahead and get it all out about today.

Vomit. Vomit and poop for the last 48 hours from everyone but me. (SO FAR.)

When there are three people suffering from this kind of sick and only one of the three is self sufficient that leaves me with the assist. Now, to be fair, the bigger one is somewhat self-cleaning, but seeing her poor little face with tears because she feels so damn awful and there isn’t a thing I can do for her — that’s a different story. She’s been pretty low key, she’s napped a lot and stayed pretty quiet and non-demanding.

This is why we rescue pets.

THE LITTLE ONE ON THE OTHER HAND. She plays this twisted game of “I’M FINE!” all day long then when night comes she turns exorcist on me. During the day I’m required to wrangle a very nosy two year old away from two very sick people who want nothing to do with the human race, hearing any sound or being touched ever again. During the night, it’s all about washing vomit out of hair at midnight and changing sheets while simultaneously keeping the cats FROM LICKING VOMIT.

I’ve had to consider every single thing I’ve prepared over the last 48 hours based on what it would be like when it comes back out. I will say this, two hyperemesis pregnancies have made a vomit master. Just last week I was overwhelmed with the feeling that all I do all day is feed people and as soon as they’re done with one meal they’re wondering what the next one will be. Lately no one wants to eat anything which makes *that* part of my job super easy.

Silver linings.

I had the chance to sneak away to the gym today and the treadmill warned me about halfway through my run that my heart rate may be too high and I should take it easy. I can say I have never reached maximum capacity on a treadmill before, I sort of felt like a boss. It may have been the first time ever I actually enjoyed working out, normally I do it just so I don’t die unhealthy — but today felt really cathartic.

I had to take Vivi with me to the pharmacy where she bolted down the feminine care aisle, spread out her arms and shouted “LOOK MOM, YOUR DIAPERS!” then as I paid for my one thousandth prescription for Zofran ,Vivi figured out how the snaps on her shirt worked and was half naked by the time I turned around.

I plunked both little girls in the tub before bedtime because everyone had worked up a funk over the course of the day and without me even asking they took turns washing each others hair, my heart may have exploded a little bit. Moments later Vivi asked to see everyone’s nibbles (nipples) and demanded I take out my ‘udders’ so she could see mine.

I politely declined.

Have you seen this video? The company can basically have all my money (and it already has a lot) and tears because dear sweet heavens.

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did you know cats never forgive?

Cody’s been telling me all sorts of random facts about cats lately.

“Did you know that 80% of cats carry a bacteria that causes depression in humans?”

No, but I’m well aware husbands have a 100% chance of causing grumpiness in their wives.

“Did you know cats just think of us as big clumsy cats? Do you ever think Wink wonders why Percy doesn’t pick him up? Did you know cats never forgive?”

Buddies when it's cold.

*******

I was talking to a very trusted phone on the friend the other day when we came to the conclusion that sometimes parenting just isn’t worth it, but we keep doing it because sometimes isn’t all the time and most of the time it is worth it. We did wonder what it would be like to be parents who just didn’t care. Donuts for dinner! SURE! TV all night long with no bedtime? YOU BET! Teach you manners and responsibility? PFFT, that’s what society is for! We were both horrified by the idea of not doing the best we could and decided we’d better keep going with our shared end goal of not sending entitled and lazy buttheads out into the world, you’re welcome society.

But there are days.

Days when there are screaming fits and shrieks of terror because the world isn’t made of cheese and because you refuse to play “Roar” for the 14th time in a row on a long drive.

Days when it would be easier to say “FINE! EAT NOTHING BUT CHEESE AND WATCH CAILLOU! SEE IF I CARE!”

Today was one of those days, it’s as though Vivi noticed my renewed sense of worth and decided “Oh? You’ve got patience? LET ME TEST THAT FOR YOU M’KAY?” Rather than giving up and giving in to her, I made her take a nap, I don’t think anything else in the world could have made her more mad at me.

I used to scream and cry a lot when Addie would throw fits, because I didn’t know what I was doing and her anger scared me. The fits are easier the second time around, but then again they nearly killed me the first time so maybe that isn’t a very trustworthy statement.

Cats may not forgive, but kids are resilient and forgiving little creatures.

*******

Now we’re all going to watch this (again, if you’ve already seen it) and be glad the Internet exists despite the a**holes who lurk in its darkest corners.

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here’s what I don’t care about (sponsored by home run inn pizza)

This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of Home Run Inn Pizza.

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I once saw a triangle with ‘sanity’ ‘clean house’ and ‘happy kids’ written at each corner. In the middle of the triangle it said PICK TWO.

I picked happy kids and sanity.

Proof of a day well spent playing and baking cakes. I can have a clean house when they move out.

I can have a clean house when the kids are gone.

For a long time I tried to make a meal from scratch 4 nights a week, allowing one night to eat out and two nights for leftovers. I enjoyed trying new recipes, but someone was always dissatisfied with what I had made and there came a point where I became so tired and fed up with trying to please everyone that I just gave up and made everyone eat cereal for dinner for a week. Between Cody training for a marathon, Addie’s gymnastics and the guilt I felt for feeding everyone cereal instead of an exciting variety of spices and flavors a downward dinnertime spiral began. Cody stepped in to help, which meant a lot of breakfast for dinner and spaghetti. Pinterest and Instagram only compounded my guilt after seeing the marvelous meals others were preparing for their families, meals their children would willingly eat that covered the full spectrum of food groups. My poor kids, would they never know the joy of curried chicken with roasted Brussels sprouts lovingly prepared from scratch by their mother?

Then one week, I don’t remember exactly when, I realized there’s exactly one thing I do not care about when it comes to dinnertime.

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reports from the polar vortex

To anyone who has never truly experienced humid cold, bless.

Growing up in Utah where it would snow two feet overnight and one was still expected to make to school on time, the way Indiana reacts to weather has always amused me. Two hour delays and school cancellations for a few inches of snow. ADORABLE. In fact, Addie hasn’t had a full day of school since January began, if school hasn’t been cancelled (7th day cancelled today!) she’s been on a two hour delay, meaning instead of being dark and freezing cold outside, it’s light and freezing cold outside.

These are Addie's siren songs. #NoFilter

I’ve heard a lot of debate about why these school cancellations happen (also! church has been cancelled for two of the four Sundays in January so far as well.) Some say it’s because Hoosiers simply aren’t outfitted and prepared for this kind of weather, or that the more impoverished areas of the city can’t afford proper warm clothing. (Which is even more silly because chances are keeping kids home keeps working parents home or working parents paying for daycare or even kids home alone because their parents simply cannot miss work, on top of that many kids rely on the schools for their only meals in a day. Clearly keeping them home makes perfect sense.) It’s not like it doesn’t snow here, or get cold, because it does — and the same coat you use for that weather can be used for this weather, just put a few more layers underneath and don’t stay outside for long.

Even the government is shut down today.

Because it’s cold.

Not because it’s snowing, not because there’s already several feet of snow on the ground or because it’s a terribly blustery day. Nope, it’s just cold. The sun is shining, the roads are clear and it’s cold.

Show me a weather map and I could point to a dozen places that are colder and more weather affected than Indiana who are still doing business as usual.

Perhaps it’s just the Utahn in me who grew up knowing that life goes on no matter how much it snows? Perhaps it’s the mom in me who is tired of keeping two little girls entertained?

I wore them out. FIST PUMP.

Cody has found me crying in the closet twice, I’ve painted a dozen My Little Ponies (I’m getting quite good), I’ve eaten a hundred plastic and felt food meals served up by Vivi, I’ve read every book we own, watched every episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse ever produced by Disney Junior, I’ve not only made entire cities out of Play-Doh — I actually cleaned and detailed all of our Play-Doh gear, using toothpicks to shove the dried bits out of every nook and cranny of every plastic rolling, cutting, squishing and shaping device. Later I will take a razor, a pair of scissors and a serious attitude to the brush of my vacuum which currently looks like a long thin tribble and I will lie in the middle of the floor in a patch of sunshine wishing I were anywhere where I could go outside with less than eight layers of clothing.

Perhaps it is that there is no end in sight, just cold for days and days and days and being indoors for days and days and days and not being able to go outside for longer than 10 minutes without feeling my nose hairs freeze and crack off.

Even the cats are sick of us, they have both found places to hide where we can’t find them all day. Only at night do they come out to borrow our body heat through the night.

Yes gentlemen, you have my attention?

Knowing my luck a whole school bus of kittens and puppies will freeze today and all the firefighters who try to rescue them will lose their noses and fingers to frostbite in an attempt to save them and I will be seen as a terribly grumpy and inhumane person. (Bitter Betty (hi, me) is going to take this moment to eat her words since there have been deaths related to all this cold. Apparently 5 people died while shoveling snow (which, don’t bother, it’s too windy anyway and no one’s going anywhere) and several have been homeless people who have either refused or not made it to shelter in time. Other deaths are from traffic accidents, not necessarily related to the cold, but still, they happened while it was cold. So while I am still grumpy about being so cold, be safe. A list of emergency shelters in Indianapolis can be found here.)

Where are you at? How’s the weather been for you? My friend Ami has been making her chickens hot oatmeal and baked potatoes, I don’t even make my kids hot oatmeal and baked potatoes.

 

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