I didn’t see that response coming. The confessions, the ‘me too’ and the solidarity. It was humbling, thank you — not only selfishly, but to all of you who left comments of support that other people in similar situations can read and hopefully gain strength from.
“This morning I decided to get on a plane and leave for the weekend. Your post may have just saved my marriage. Thank you. I don’t even know what else to say right now. Just thank you.”
“I left my husband almost 4 years ago. I get that it’s a much less linear process than what you assume it is. There is much back and forth. Ambiguity. Questioning. Uncertainty.”
“I left just about a year ago. He didn’t want counseling until I was out the door and the I’ll do anything hollow. Hang in there. If it heals, wonderful, but if it doesn’t you had the courage to make a choice and that matters. You are showing the girls, whatever the outcome, that you matter. You are teaching by example.”
“Dude, you just mirrored my marriage! Thank you for your bravery.”
“I just want to say that your struggles – your real, heartfelt struggles – make me look forward to marriage. It makes me look forward to continuing to have a partner worth fighting for. Anyone who doesn’t understand how you can love someone but not be in love with them – well, I question whether they have ever really been in love.”
“Right now? I’m gone. I ran away too and I’m trying to figure out much of what you wrote.”
“We will be married 20 years in October and lately (well, a lot more than just lately) I wonder what the hell am I doing here?”
I’ve always tried to be very careful about what I write about Cody, it’s my duty to respect his privacy and protect the relationship that I have with him. I have never used social media to vent or rag on him, and when things are bad I keep them to myself. I realize I have a strange and unfair advantage with the support system the Internet has given me, and I try to keep that in mind when talking about him — I never want to turn anyone against him or use the trust I have in all of you to my advantage.
The truth is I’m just as much to blame in our most recent downfall as he is — we both acknowledge this and don’t fault the either for mistakes made or use shortcomings as weapons in moments of pain.
Cody is a rare and marvelous man, and I hope when you leave kind words you are indirectly sending him some as well. I’m not an easy person to be married to, I’m damaged and broken in some deep and ugly ways but he takes care of me and puts up with the trials I’ve been given in a way most people wouldn’t. He’s been left picking up the pieces of my heart and mind more than I’d like to admit and he’s never complained about it, he does it because he is hopelessly in love with me. Most men I’ve come across would have walked away, would have given up — hell, if the roles were reversed I may have been the one to walk away or give up. But then I think back to law school, I don’t know many people who would have stuck around for that.
Clearly we’re committed, but there seem to be times we’re not very good at nurturing that commitment.
Today Cody admitted to a time when he questioned whether he was still in love with me, and as hard as it was to hear those words — it was a relief to know he understands how I’ve felt for the past several months.
“…we were in the car driving from somewhere and I looked over at you and wondered if I was still in love with you and I couldn’t answer my own question. We got home and we did whatever we normally did and the next morning on my way to the gym I realized how bad of a husband I had been, and I realized that my falling out of love with you, if that’s what had happened, had been caused by my own actions. I decided then I would change and I would start treating you the way you deserved to be treated because I knew I loved you and I knew I loved being with you and I wanted to have that closeness with you again. My changes came slowly–too slowly–and 2009 happened. At some point I fell back in love with you and I have stayed in love with you ever since…”
We’re not dramatic people, we don’t storm around yelling and crying and if you saw us out and about you would probably be led to believe that we get along quite well, because we do. We don’t fight (oh boy, we used to) and we don’t play dirty. We just get complacent then bitter then angry then distant. It’s silly really, but we’re working on it. We’re really good together, and I believe a lot of that is because we simply don’t go together.
I’ve never wanted to give up, I’ve always wanted to grow old with him and have our stories begin and end with each other.
It just seems we have a few more plot twists than most.
Which is cool, boring love stories rarely change the world.