For the first time in our almost 14 years of marriage I have finally allowed myself to be completely and hopelessly in love with Cody. I’m so in love with him I struggle to find words adequate enough to encompass how I feel about him. When I talk about him I generally end up in tears because through everything, he never ever gave up on me. I have hated myself for so long, and in hating myself I tried to convince Cody to hate me so I could be even more justified in my own self loathing. Up until recently I never let myself believe that he truly did love me, he was only with me out of obligation and circumstance.
I was always guarded with him, not on purpose, but more from life experience. If you don’t open up yourself up completely, you can’t be hurt as badly.
I am full on belly up with all my soft spots exposed to this man for the first time in my life. My heart is absolutely exposed to him with no defenses in place aside from trust. It’s that feeling you get when you first lean back in a climbing harness, wondering if it will catch you or not. Up until now I’ve always played it safe, keeping at least one hand and two feet on the wall at all times. Now I’m completely reclined, with complete faith in his ability to carry me.
We should have ended. I see so many other relationships end and I wonder how ours made it (although I know how ours made it and it’s because of Cody.) Several people have written to him or me asking how we survived, desperate for some sliver of hope in their own relationship. The only response I can even give is that he never gave up on me.
In letting him love me I have learned to love myself. I don’t second guess if I’m worth loving anymore. I have known love, but the love I have learned from Cody has me absolutely overtaken. It’s scary, and yet it’s not.
I wish everyone could experience this level of intimacy and absolute connection with another human, all the pain that has led me to this point has been worth it. I hate that I hurt Cody so badly in the process, but will forever be grateful that while I was falling apart, he knew the girl he fell in love with was still inside and he never gave up on her.
He has her now. More wholly and completely than he has ever had her in his entire life.
I can say with absolute certainty that at this moment, I am happy in places I never thought I could be.
I am in no way perfect, but I am loved deeply — and that is enough to get me through anything.