Hysterosalpingogram-the patient’s version.

Monday morning I headed into a local hospital to have ink shoved up my fallopian tubes.

If you are to ever have this procedure done your doctor will either call it an HSG test or a “Hystero,” if he’s really into freaking you out he’ll give you the full name, hysterosalpingogram followed with a shallow promise of mild discomfort. When you get home you will Google said HSG test and see that yes, mild discomfort similar to menstrual cramps is to be expected. 

If you are like me you will then tweet “Who’s ever had an HSG and are sedatives a good idea?” You will get responses back ranging from “@mooshinindy heavy drinking advised” to “@mooshinindy NEVER AGAIN. GOD BLESS, you’re going to need it.” to “@mooshinindy There’s not enough tranquilizers in the world.”

You will then call your doctor to make sure he’s aware you passed out at your first colposcopy and required Xanax at subsequent inter-vaginal procedures. Your doctor will quickly prescribe you Klonopin, so quickly in fact you begin to panic even more about the upcoming violation of your previously exit only cervix.

When V (violation) day comes you should really take a friend with you. I brought Ami, I trust her more than I trust my DVR. I really suggest you bring a friend whom you also trust more than your DVR. If you’re in the Indianapolis area, I am available, I may even let you borrow Ami.

I changed into a hospital frock, bare from the bellybutton down and hopped up on the hardest most cold, cruel medical x-ray table ever. Sure they put a sheet on it but there’s no denying that the tables they do autopsies on may be more comfortable. A radiologist came in (a middle aged woman thank heavens, I can only imagine the guffawing from Ami had a hot doctor appeared to ink me.) This middle aged woman made me the same “mild discomfort” promises to which I promptly replied “Iz on deh Klonopin, rilly, iz gud…*drool*” Humor can only take me so far when I’m scared.

Brr, cold x-ray table. Brr. Cold x-ray room. All of those where shoved where no one ever wants something cold, metal and expandable shoved.   

See all those speculums? Who else knew they came in every size and shape? Who found out they came in every size and shape after every one was shoved in their tender areas in an attempt to get their cervix to “pop out?” Anyone? By the time she popped my cervix out she asked “Uh, does this hurt? Your cervix is really irritated and bleeding.” To which I started to cry, because yes, it really did hurt and WAH, I didn’t want to know that you made me bleed. 

Ami gets four gold stars for champion hand holding.

In went the tube, which truthfully looked long enough to come out my nose, or at least tickle my uvula. The former moosh manor was filled with contrast ink and all sorts of pictures were taken of my anemone like uterus.

  • I had no idea it was that small. Talk about elasticity.
  • I had no idea it moves around as much as it did.

The idea behind the test is that if your fallopian tubes are open the ink will spray out the top like a shaken bottle of sparkling cider. If one of your tubes is blocked the ink will either bust its way through (which happened on my left side) or it will only pour out the open tube, or back out through your cervix if you’re all kinds of plugged up.

SAI HAI TO MAI YOOTERUS!

(click on picture to get notes on each frame.)

I am now 100% assured that my tubes are a superhighway of moosh 2.0 egg transport.

I’m not sure what’s next, but I do know my baby making parts are open for business. I also know that the sign of a true friend is one who takes you in to get donuts after a test like this, even though you’re staggering like a drunk, who doesn’t judge when you eat three of the four donuts on the way home, gets you to your couch, covers you with a blanket and leaves you to drool on your pillow in a drug induced haze for the next eight hours.

three of these did not make it home, unless you count in my stomach home.

Long’s Bakery Cinnamon Fry and Carmel Iced Fluff Filled bars. Everyone  now with the nom nom.

May everyone have an Ami in their life, and open free flowing tubes. And donuts for later. And Klonopin. And a fluffy pillow and soft blanket. And people to watch your kid (thanks A. and M.!)