We all ended up with various stages of the flu over Christmas, all of us except Addie. I take this as proof that she has officially outgrown that kid thing where they lick weird and random stuff. Vivi on the other hand, stand close to her for too long and she will for sure lick you.


I’ve been stuck in a bit of a funk, the fourth annual Midwestern winter funk.

A friend’s dad has been struggling with depression and anxiety for a long time, and earlier in the month he tried to take his own life. Her dad and I are very similar in how we experience our depression, and I wonder if there will come a time when I’m just too tired to fight back against my depression. Like if my emotional strength is similar to my immune system and over time it will just grow weaker until it betrays me and takes me out.

If that’s the case, is this the happiest I’ll ever be?

Don’t think about it too hard if you do deal with depression because it will make you really depressed. (Which is why I stopped thinking about it and focused more time and energy on petting my cats.)

Who else is excited for a shiny fresh new year? I’m okay to see 2014 change over, even if it changes over to three more months of cold gloom.

At least it won’t be 2014 anymore!



  1. Glad to hear you all are better. Im with you on 2014 getting the F out. This has been my worst year to date. I’m talking 3 weeks not getting out of bed bad. Happy to close the books on this one.

  2. we are amidst our very own Flu 2014 (I type as I am sitting on my bathroom floor, coughing to the point of puking). My depression and anxiety is hitting me SUPER hard right now. This gloomy yucky weather, no sunlight, and crippling sickness that is plaquing our home. I need it to be Valentine’s Day ASAP! Seems to be when it can turn around for me. The kids birthdays are in March and planning their birthdays often help consume my time and distract me from the terribleness that is winter time and my depression/anxiety.

  3. you are loved. Hang in there. <3

  4. When it’s been a hard year like this it is so difficult to know if things are really going change again for the better. This post brings reminds me so much of the way I’ve felt when I’m fighting my depression it’s almost painful to read. Let’s both believe those moments of joy outweigh the times of sadness and never give in.

  5. 2014 blew. Here’s hoping 2015 is brighter and happier and healthier for all of us. xo

  6. Love you.

  7. I too wonder if this is the happiest I will ever be. Sometimes when I feel especially down I think about how terrible other people’s lives are then I get even more depressed for being ungrateful. Other times I think about how big space is and how insignificant I am and thus how useless it all really is. It really is a vicious cycle, that to be honest, I cannot get out of. I have everything… and still I sit with because everything just feels so grey. Sorry for being a total bummer, I guess I just wanted to say that I can relate to your feelings.

  8. I’ve often wondered if my winters would be easier if I moved somewhere warmer, but I’m beginning to doubt it. I am determined that this is not the happiest I will ever be, though. I once thought about it too hard and wound up in the hospital, but that actually ended up being the best thing that ever happened to me. My breakdown and lowest point was actually a breakthrough. I think sometimes you have to reach your absolute lowest to be able to bounce back… slowly, but surely. I don’t think my depression will ever truly go away, and I may have to go on and off of medications forever, but I’m determined to not let it get the best of me. Sometimes that means not thinking about anything at all and avoiding it until I’m strong enough to to face it. Always be gentle with yourself above all things. Refuse to accept that this is it. I have to believe that this isn’t it…

  9. Hi . I was lying in bed early this morning, unable to sleep when I stumbled upon your blog. I read it for ages. I laughed out loud at parts while some of your writing was so naked and honest, I cried.
    I read A LOT of blogs and honestly this is the first one that stopped me in tracks for a long time.
    I’ve added reading “moosh in Indy” to my list of intentions for 2015. Please know that your writing is moving and thought provoking and simply wonderful. So many of us struggle through the days sometimes, rather than glide, it’s heartening to read that we are not alone. And it’s also fun to have a laugh out loud read on the days when life doesn’t seem like an endless slog.
    Thank you.