So this one’s new.

My entire body is completely and utterly depressed while my brain stays afloat in a little pharmaceutical lifeboat tossed around on a sea of misery.

Think Life of Pi minus the tiger. (Sub in a one eyed cat with thumbs if you must.)

I still have my wits about me, but attempting to convince my body to come along and catch up already is near impossible. My very wise friend Ami said I’m in mid stumble, you know that panic when you’re not sure if you’re going to land on your feet or completely wipe out? I feel fairly confident I’ll land on my feet, but the underlying terror of face planting hasn’t been this close in a long time. Rather than being completely anesthetized from depression I merely have a local that seems to be keeping my brain function at 50% capacity.

I cry a lot.

All I want to do is hide and sleep.

Eating? Pfft. What’s that?

Showering? Totally overrated.

Changing out of my pajamas? Nope.

Leave the house? Yeah, right.

The biggest difference this time is that my brain is capable of seeing a light at the end of the terribly dark and dreary tunnel. It’s also able to scold the rest of me for being such a useless lump of human. There is a disconnect, my body knows exactly what is going on while my brain is all “SUCK IT UP SOLDIER! WE HAVE THINGS TO DO.” In an attempt to apologize for its bossiness it bought my tired body flowers  yesterday.

my brain bought my body flowers
Things are running a little slower around here. They’re still functioning, but they’re slow.

If I feel this terrible while receiving the help I know I need, I can only imagine how many of you are suffering. Spring is almost here, we’ve almost made it out of another miserable winter alive. Let us all be extra gracious to each other and ourselves over the next few weeks, the sun is out there somewhere. (And clearly Annie never lived in Indiana because according to the weather the sun will not be coming out tomorrow. Or this week. At all.)

How are you doing?

 

Comments

  1. Ick! I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in a slump. I totally identify with the “can’t get out of pyjamas” lately. It has me a bit concerned that my fog is about to get a little darker, too. But I just keep holding on. Hang in there, too! The flowers are lovely! 🙂

    Casey Reply:

    @Heidi, I’m still in the same pajamas when I wrote the post. *ehem*
    (I think I washed them though?)

  2. Gigantic sunshine filled hugs to you, my friend. It is definitely difficult right now for a lot of people. If I had a magic wand, I would shoot you a giant golden orb to brighten your day. And hey, I’m falling down all the time…if you time it right, when you stumble you can fall on me. I’m sure my schlubbiness would make a perfect soft landing. Or something like that. Out of context, that sounds a little creepy…
    Anyway, call me if there’s anything I can help with. Xoxo.

    Casey Reply:

    @Mary, Thanks darling. I’m glad to know that the entire city is in the dumps, I’m not glad they are, but I’m glad I’m not alone.

  3. Eventually this weather is going to get its act together and the sun will come out. When that happens I’m going to come to your house and serenade you with Barry Manilow’s “I Made It Through the Rain.” Start learning the lyrics so you can join in.

    Casey Reply:

    @Ami, I’m looking forward to this day immensely.

  4. @Casey,
    You know? You’re so right. I’m in southeastern PA and all winter it’s just been cold and wet and gray. We’ve had hardly any snow either. I didn’t even think of that. It’s just been gross. For four months.
    Hopefully brighter days are coming soon. For all of us.

  5. For the past nine months of my life I’ve lived in that scary dark place completely crippled by depression and anxiety. I get the body discontinuity of not being able to make your parts feel cohesive. Right now I can’t get pat the burning feeling of fresh tears in my eyes for reasons I’m not really sure of, or just wanting to sort of crumple into the pit of my stomach. I’m so afraid that it will always be like this. I’m scared ill never be happy again. Most days I can only get through with the hope that maybe that will be day that its all over. I know it will. That’s the logic that I say out loud so I can make sure my head actually hears it.

    I get “hermitty” during these times but I desperately want to cry out. I’m crying out. I’m all cried out.

    PS. I love you.

    Casey Reply:

    @Stefanie, Oh honey. I can tell you it will get better and when it does it’s so wonderful if you let yourself enjoy it. Part of the reason I haven’t crumpled completely this time is because I KNOW I can and will feel better, it may just take a little bit longer.
    xoxo

  6. Oh how I feel you! I lived in MinneSNOWta for 7 years, but at least there it snowed- which gives you a reason to play at least! Here in Nebraska, it sounds similar to Indiana.

    I actually bought myself a “clocky” alarm clock to get me out of bed- have you heard of these? They roll/hide all over your room till you get up and first find it and then shut it off, hoping it will help as the winter gloom has tucked me under the covers too!

  7. Down in Bloomington the weather is the same. Forcing myself out of the house and to Starbucks today. I’m prone to some really bad anxiety that causes me to want to stay in bed. All these wonderful women that I wish I knew you all IRL!

    Casey Reply:

    @Amy, I could go for the smell of Starbucks right now. It’s a good smell, even if I don’t drink coffee.

  8. Where I live, we are on day three of record-breaking rainfall. The sky is grey and low and claustrophobic. The rain is so heavy that it’s difficult to see. It reflects my mood perfectly. My brain is experiencing record-breaking rainfall.

    Casey Reply:

    @Hillary, It rained here the other day and I wanted to go out in lay in it just to feel SOMETHING besides being in my pajamas in bed. *sigh*
    We’re like a terrible tween emo movie waiting to be written.
    xoxo

  9. I ordinarily struggle this time of year. I’ve had enough of the gray grossness and just want some sunshine. But in January, my daddy died and it’s never felt so gloomy and awful. I’m tired and cranky and not feeling much like my usual happy self. So, I did something out of the ordinary for me — I scheduled an appointment with a therapist and am seeking some help to get through this. Keep your chin up, Casey. We’ll get through this. Right?

    Casey Reply:

    @Jill, Oh dear. Losing someone, especially your daddy, is terrible no matter what. But to have it happen when you’re surrounded by literal gloom and death? Oy.
    xoxo Hoping the therapist can help keep you afloat through the transition.
    We’ll totally get through this.

  10. Caroline says:

    Another Indiana resident here. I am STRUGGLING big time this year. It’s awful. I don’t want to get dressed. Don’t want to get out of bed. Its always cloudy always cold and I am out of things to entertain my preschooler and toddler. Just teetering on the edge here. Thinking of you!

    Casey Reply:

    @Caroline, I woke up today and proclaimed that I HATE EVERYTHING.
    *sigh*
    I’m actually convinced that this weather will never go away. My optimism has been squashed.

  11. I’d hug if I could get off the couch. Keep your eyes on that end of the tunnel. We’ve got to make it there eventually.

    Casey Reply:

    @Joules, Let’s just lie on my couches, they face each other and we can mope across the rug to each other.

  12. Oh I know that feeling all too well sweetie. I hope you feel better soon.

    Casey Reply:

    @Amanda Jillian, Thank you.

  13. The announcement to tell us school was canceled on Friday of last week also mentioned spring coming in 17 days. (And it was said in a super chipper voice.) But, 17 days…17 days…

    Casey Reply:

    @Jennifer, 17 days. At least four of those will be spent in pure sunshine. I CAN DO THIS.

  14. Sending big virtual sunshine your way. We are getting spring mornings here and my moods have lifted. So it will come your way soon, keep believing 🙂

    Casey Reply:

    @Lenka, I could use a spring morning, like you wouldn’t believe.

  15. One word: Texas.
    It’ll cure what ails ya…well, that and me making cupcakes for you

    Casey Reply:

    @Biddy, Two weeks (less even!)

    Biddy Reply:

    @Casey, yes, but alas I cannot afford Blissdom :*( But I really wanna hug your neck! Can I buy you a cupcake? I’d normally say a drink, but homie don’t play dat.

  16. I know how those days go…and not to mention living in a city with not much to do to take your mind off the gloomy weather doesn’t help. It’s all been clouds, clouds, clouds, and cold and then cold, along with a lot of rain and snow. It’s the end of March, so I’m sick of Spring stalling and never getting here. If I have to put up with another week of this weather, I am going to lose my mind! Where’s my happylight!?!

    Tish Reply:

    @Tish,
    errr..beg of March..lol! Wishful thinking!

    Casey Reply:

    @Tish, I blame the groundhog. He’s a dirty liar.

  17. @Sarah, Oh, I know that feeling. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world. Consider me a friend, okay?

  18. @Colleen – @amadisonmom, Mine are still alive, I have to toss them before they’re ugly and dead or I just get more depressed.

  19. @Lindsey, Two years ago I was super pregnant and slept through all of it. I think it’s the only way I survived.

  20. I utterly and completely know what you mean. That disconnect between knowing it will get better, knowing its not as bad as it seems and feeling the same way. I’m glad that you’re seeing the sunshine on the other side and you’re going to be there so soon.

    xoxo

  21. just….hugs, mama.

  22. My husband has never had issues with depression (other than my issues cast on him, bless his saint-worthy heart) and trying to explain this phenomenon of being part okay and part not okay is so hard. The tumble analogy is just right. But spring is here! YAY!

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