I am so tired.

I have been walking the fine line between okay and not okay for the last several weeks.

Truth is I want to stop walking and simply crumple into a heap.

Winter is so close. The signs of darkness and cold are becoming harder and harder to ignore, and they are wrapping their fingers slowly around my throat.

I used to get excited for fall. Boots! Sweaters! Soup!

This year I simply do not want to do fall.

I don’t want the sun to go away for six months.

I know I shouldn’t be letting the fear of something that hasn’t happened yet ruin the time I have left. But it’s not as if winter is maybe going to happen, or maybe this year I won’t fall into a deep dark funk. It’s going to happen. And it’s going to happen soon.

This morning I woke up to an email thanking/applauding me for pushing on through my depression. She closed with this line,

 I’ve had moments where I feel like myself lately, but tonight. I don’t want to keep doing this for the rest of my life.

Me neither, Bethany.

I’m so very tired.

But I will keep going. For myself, for you, for the countless others out there who know this intangible pain, for my husband, my friends, my family and for these…

sisters.

Giving up simply isn’t an option.

Comments

  1. I hate how the dark outside turns into the dark inside in the winter. I’m ok in the fall – still windows open, etc, but the cold dark winter gets me. The electric company LOVES me and all of my lamps.

    It’s not the crumpling that’s the problem…it’s the getting back up.

    xoxoxo