I have felt pretty fantastic for the last few months, emotionally at least, physically? Not so much. And when I say I’ve felt emotionally fantastic I mean in regards to depression because to be honest there was a three week time between positive pregnancy test and chilling the chill out that I wasn’t so fun to be around. And when I say I wasn’t fun to be around I mean that Cody hated being around me because he was the one I would emotionally unload on.

And there was that one teensy tiny (enormous) panic episode when I landed in Canada after almost dying/barfing/crying in the plane getting there, followed by me being held by customs, followed by an unexpected bus ride…other than that! Golden!

Cody told me the other night that my belly button gets sad when I’m pregnant.

sad bellybutton.

I have such an innie that it never became an outie or even a flattie when I was pregnant with Addie. And unbeknownst to me, it apparently looked sad.

Currently it appears as though I am smuggling a Homer sized donut under my shirt from the front and from the side it appears as though I am in a perpetual state of doughboy poke.

pilsbury has nothing on me.

I can only assume it is revenge on Pilsbury’s part.

you push, he giggles.

But back to my emotions, my feeeeelings.

Yesterday as I plunked my weary body in front of my SAD lamp (as is my morning ritual during Indiana winters) I started to think about how depression and pregnancy share so many symptoms. Loss of appetite, exhaustion with the inability to sleep or the ability to sleep way too much, not to mention aches, pains, random crying sprees and lethargy. I began to panic that maybe my depression was seeping back in and pregnancy had been hiding it and suddenly BLAM I’d be hit like roadkill by a Mack truck out of nowhere by it.

But I know depression well enough. Or at least the way *I* do depression. I still want to talk to people. I still want to be around people. I can still laugh. I can see all the things going right in my world. I can get excited about this Mozzi in my belly (Which if you could move around soon so I could feel you? I’d appreciate it.) And I am really excited about spending Christmas in my house with my family for the second year. (We moved in a year ago next week…)

So nope, depression isn’t getting the better of me (at least not yet.)

But I know it’s getting a lot of you out there.

Holidays, weather changing, stress…

I keep a very special place in my heart for all you. I believe anyone who had dealt with depression does. Just because I’m feeling awesome doesn’t mean that everyone else is too. Some of you are struggling, some privately, some openly. And just as you’ve been there for me when I’m in ugly places, there’s hundreds of people out there who want to be there for you while you’re in your ugly places, me included. Even if all I can do is tell you that it will get better.

Or draw a picture of Santa on my ever expanding belly.

ho ho ho, who do you know?

Then there’s also the ladies who are left without their babies. I mean, I’ve gone through phases where it seemed as though everyone and their un-spayed cats were pregnant except for me. Well I am pregnant and it still seems as though everyone is pregnant.

But I know that’s not true.

And I’m sorry it can’t be true for everyone who wants a baby.

Messy, this real life stuff is.

Hope everyone is hanging in there and that you and the people around you are taking good care of you.

xoxo

Comments

  1. Totally needed that picture of your Santa belly.

    Now, where do I get me one of those lamps…

  2. This is a nice post, Casey. Ver’ nice.

  3. I have never posted here before, but I needed to tell you that you are speaking to a perfect stranger, also getting through this Indiana winter, on a much-needed day. My first pregnancy recently ended in miscarriage and threw me into a chain of panic attacks and now depression that has not lifted. I started seeing a Psychiatrist two weeks ago and I am back in therapy weekly. Currently, I feel like I will not survive this and that it will not end, but reading posts like this reminds me that my brain is lying to me. There are many people in the world struggling and also many that have been where I am and come out the other side. I still have a long road to walk, but I appreciate this post. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!!

  4. I’m SO glad to read you’re doing well and I also appreciate the good thoughts for those of us who are having a harder time with the season. As always, and I do mean always, your posts touch my heart. Like the pictures too. 🙂

  5. hee hee

    You should dress your belly up at least once a week.

  6. Casey, you’re such a gift.
    Thanks for being you and doing what you do.

    Your belly artwork made me laugh. 🙂