In my head is a little room that I keep all my post ideas in. It is currently quite full, and yet there is a fat kid blocking the door so none of the posts can get out.

That fat kid is this post.

You may have noticed me talking about pregnancy the last few days. A few newer readers assumed I was trying to ease you all into a little secret known as “I’m totally pregnant.” Alas, that is not the secret, as much as I wish it was.

It is me trying to remember all I can about the one pregnancy I had in case in doesn’t happen for me again, it’s dawning on me that this is a huge possibility. At least once a day the moosh asks about her brothers and sisters and wonders where the heck they are. I simply tell her it’s not my turn yet.

It may never be my turn again.

82% of monogamous couples who participate in unprotected sex will get pregnant within 9 months. It’s been over three years for us. To that? I say, “bah.”

This is where I get a little crazy. While I would never wish a miscarriage upon anyone, and I myself have never experienced the heartache that surely results from one, I almost wish it would happen to me.

To give me some sort of twisted assurance that my body is still capable of getting pregnant.

Crazy right?

Alas, with all this focus on not being able to get pregnant, I forget this whole thing called Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG) that is quite likely to happen again if and when I ever do get pregnant. It was bad enough the first time and I only had to worry about myself. But now I have the moosh to worry about and I’m thousands of miles away from any family.

So before I even worry about the stress (and blessing of course) of having two children, I have to worry about staying alive for the 9 months it will take to bake the second one. I don’t have 60 pounds to lose this time.

I’d like to be all faithful and thankful that it’s not happening because it’s just not our time yet. And yet having babies born around me all. the. time. makes me a little jealous and huffy. Why is it everyone else’s turn? Their oldest kids are younger than the moosh in most cases. Meh.

I’m able to hold on to that faith for a while. A sweet woman at church wrote me a random note saying that it’s not my fault that I can’t get pregnant, the Lord needs me just the way I am for now so that I can do His work. And it’s true, I couldn’t do a lot of what I do with a second mop of curly hair in tow.

It’s really hard to throw myself a pity party when I look at it that way.

Yet at the same time, it’s so easy to look at it in the sense that I’m just not stable enough to handle two.

So actually the Lord is doing everyone a favor and keeping me a mother of one. Heh. You’re welcome Cody.

Pessimism, optimism, I can go either way depending on the day.

As for adoption? While I greatly admire those who choose to adopt, we have yet to feel that adoption is what we personally are meant to do.

There may be more on this subject later. But I’ve pretty much shoved the fat kid through the door. We’ll see if he parks it on the stoop now or scrams.

Comments

  1. “Yet at the same time, itโ€™s so easy to look at it in the sense that Iโ€™m just not stable enough to handle two.”

    But doesn’t it just suck donkey balls that as much as we’re superwomen we just aren’t stable enough? I’m sure you don’t need any extra bitter. BUT here’s a girl who got pregnant twice, both times the first night we tried. The girl who’s babies come out so easy. Sure I’m nauseous for 9 months and feel crappy. But I go crazy. I shut down and can’t take care of my kids for nine months. My husband takes four years and two kids to tell me how horrible it was. So I get fixed. I don’t get the big family I never really wanted. But I don’t get to have control. I get fixed because I can’t handle it. Where’s the superwoman in that?

    And congrats on kicking the fat kid out.

    Angelas last blog post..There was something out there…

  2. I can totally hear you on the optimism/pessimism thing. I’m often very optimistic that “It will happens when it’s meant to” but then, “What if it’s not meant to and I never get any while?”.

    Not to mention the questions about when we’re going to have kids. Of course, my response to that is simply, “I’m broken.”

    And I can’t believe I’m telling the interwebs that I’m broken. But there it is anyway.

    Sherrys last blog post..For Bart

  3. Casey – u
    I pray for you. I know that God has a plan for you and your life, just like he has for everyone. I know you know this. I sucks when things are not seen eye to eye with the big guy.

    He IS telling an amazing story through you, that is obvious. Unfortunatly, it is his story, your journey. And if he has put the desire to have another child on your heart, I have a hard time believing your desires will not be answered and completely fulfilled.

    You are an amazing Mom to the one that you have!

    thank you for being so brutally honest.

    Peace to you my friend.

    BTW – my girls turned into pumpkins around 8:30 last night….
    friday?

    DesignHER Mommas last blog post..A day at the zoo….Nascar edition!

  4. Casey, just keep sharing what’s in your heart. There will be more chapters to your story, to your family’s story…and probably won’t be what you plan for let alone expect.

  5. Been there with the “not stable enough”. I have two kids and there are times (it’s seems to happen a lot) that I’m not stable enough to handle the two of them (and I want more- Ha! Jesse’s going to have a whole lot of horror stories when I’m done.) I seriously wonder sometimes what the heck I’m doing to them and how much money I’m going to have to put towards their therapy! Geesh! I’m sooo not perfect, which, in Utah is a SIN to not be the perfect mommy! So much pressure to get it right! Cuzzie- I admire you for the absolutley wonderful mommy you are to your super hero moosh! She is turning out fabulously! I’m going to have a talk with the Man upstairs and put in a good word for you! Like he doesn’t know already how much you rock at being a parent! I’m here for you! Miss you!

  6. My husband and I have been monogamously “doing it” for almost two years with no form of birth control and are still not pregnant.

    I’ve been wondering lately if I’m just meant to “mother” all the kids we’ve been parenting all this time…

    Reeses last blog post..Ready, Aim,

  7. You know, you help me stay grateful for my current pregnancy. That’s a gift you have that you might not otherwise have to give if you weren’t where you are today. So part of what you’re doing right now is keeping some of us sane, with our feet firmer on the ground with your humor and wisdom and tears about how absolutely none of it is in any of our control, when it’s all said and done.
    So thanks for that, and please take my prayers for the happiest future for you and your family to unfold.

    Must Be Motherhoods last blog post..Toodles!

  8. I think we’re all on the same wavelength tonight. Blog topic the same for me…..
    LOVE the Moosh. You truly are doing such a great job. I read your blog. I watched the YouTube video (omg you are amazing).
    We may not know each other, but I’m sending you hugs.

    Kristins last blog post..So when are you going to have kids?

  9. I think there are very few words that can be said after such a heartfelt post. Who knows the reasons, but not being able to conceive is ridiculously painful and it becomes hard not to look for reasons why. And then there is that lovely saying “when you just stop worrying and waiting, it will happen.”

    I am sorry this has been a painful waiting.

    The Diaper Diariess last blog post..Ye Olden Days

  10. What a heartbreaking/inspiring post. I can feel your desperation, and have so much hope that it will happen for you soon. God does have his plan for us all, and it is SO hard to “not know”. We’re going through a little of that of our own right now – totally different story, though. I just applaud your candor and wit that clearly shine through your every post. Fat kid or not. You have a knack, my dear. Prayers and peace of mind jujus coming your way. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Mandys last blog post..Luck be a ladyโ€ฆwith raging PMS

  11. This is a subject near and (not so) dear to my heart. There is 6 1/2 years between my oldest and my middle child. That is 6 1/2 years of trying, 6 1/2 years of charting, negative pregnancy tests, POSITIVE pregnancy tests and then loss, Clomid, doctors, angst, tears and the constant requests for siblings. So… yeah. I FEEL YOU GIRL. Sending big time hugs your way.

    Marilyns last blog post..I think it caught up with me

  12. ah, Moosh. i’m sorry. i am.

    jens last blog post..anal retention

  13. We experienced secondary infertility and those were the longest 2 week sections of time in my life. I was constantly waiting to ovulate and then waiting to either be pregnant or start my cycle. UGH.

    It turned out my husband’s pituitary gland was out of whack. A few adjustments by the endocrinologist, a few months of testing, several scares of brain tumors, and in the end? Our beautiful baby girl. A long road to travel, yes, but the age gap between my kids is PERFECT, although now what I planned.

    He has a plan, and in our faithfulness it will be revealed.

  14. I mean NOT what I planned, not NOW what I planned.

    Andrea’s Sweet Lifes last blog post..Brutally Honest Monday: The Sibling Rivalry Edition

  15. Don’t feel bad about only having one, you are not alone…Savannah is going to be 4 in Oct. She asks everyday about her brother and sister. =( The difference between you and me is that I’m not trying, because I don’t feel ready. I want to be, because I’m Mormon and there is the unwritten rule your kids have to be 2 years apart or else. It sucks to be judged based on years of marriage/children ratio. I am going to celebrate my 10 year anniversary, and only have one child. I pretty much suck at life. =) lol. Really I’m glad I have had this “extra” time with Savannah, and plan to spoil the heck out of her until another one is planned for us.
    I waited 6 years to have her, and regret that instead of living and breathing wanting a baby I would have enjoyed just my time with my husband. I’m not going to regret again…I’m not going to wish and hope for something, and miss out on Savannah’s life. =)
    much love…
    Evonne

    Evonnes last blog post..Thunder

  16. I shoved my own fat kid through the door today. While I can’t relate to what you’re going through, I do understand the longing and feeling like you might be missing out on something.

  17. Trying to figure out what parts of the stuff that happen my life are actively God’s idea, and what parts are just kind of dumb luck? Puts me on the fast train to crazy town. Sometimes I think we look for deeper meaning in the things that happen to us, when really, we’re just supposed to learn how to be better people despite and through the stuff that happens, no matter what it is.

    I almost didn’t comment because I’d hate to say something glib and thoughtless (as I tend to do) that caused pain, but I wanted to say I’m sorry for what you’re going through. So many of us have struggled with infertility issues. It can be just heartbreaking.

    Sues last blog post..WOAH: Excerpt from Breaking Dawn Leaked On The Internet

  18. I hear ya-I’m so sorry it’s such a struggle. I’m broken too. ๐Ÿ™

    Ashlees last blog post..Sleeping out again

  19. oh! i know! WHEN you get pregnant again, i’ll come be the Moosh’s nanny!

  20. So far we’ve been actively trying NOT to have another one. We’re hoping to start trying soon. Part of me just expects that it will happen immediately what with the first one being an oops when we were actively not trying.
    Then there’s a small part of me that wonders what will I do if it doesn’t happen…

    Kristas last blog post..3 Years

  21. You know I’ve been dealing with some of this same stuff too…wanting to be a Mom so badly while EVERYONE around me gets knocked up at the slightest nudge. (seriously…did I miss the “getting pregnant” class in school or something? geez…) I continue to be encouraged by God all the time, and reminded that “He is mindful of the desires of my heart.” I pray for you when I pray for me, and hopefully God will give us little ones someday!

    Katies last blog post..Appendectomy…

  22. I can’t help think of a conversation I had with my husband about 6+ years ago now after five years of marriage, three of unprotected sex and no pregnancy. In many ways we didn’t care, but suddenly the thought that we couldn’t’ was overwhelming to me and I broke down. Oddly enough it would seem that was the very day I was pregnant as the first was born 40 weeks later. It will happen in time and while you will have bobbles, I am sure you will find a way to handle it.

    White Hot Magiks last blog post..Magnetic Monday

  23. Do you want to borrow 3 for a few months? ๐Ÿ˜‰

  24. Hugs.

  25. No one wants to hear that it’s not their time, etc. Here’s hoping things work out!

  26. i love how honest you are in your blog, i wish i could be..

    i was also very very sick during my pregnacy, i was on iv twice (not every week..) but i was thowing up 5-10 times a day..and working full time…

    i feel your pain.

    God does have a plan for each of us…its hard to remember sometimes, looks like you are doing a great job of remembering…i wish i had a bit more of that too.

    Chelseys last blog post..My New Do.

  27. The road of adoption is a really hard one. Harder I think than trying to conceive…and no you don’t want to go through a miscarriage. I wouldn’t wish one on my worst enemy, let along my best friend. To know your body is working…that is another story. It sounds like you have it together though…and perhaps, just maybe Heavenly Father is letting the moosh get a wee bit older before you barf your way through number two…you know…so at least by then she can make herself a sandwich for you and for herself. I love you…I think of your little family often…pray for you.

    Kims last blog post..Let’s talk about a few things:

  28. Good luck with it all. I don’t have kids of my own, but I’m sure this can be a disheartening (and frustrating) time.

    I second Chelsey, I absolutely adore your unmasked honesty.

    Camels & Chocolates last blog post..Baffled by Banff

  29. When/If the time is right, it’ll be what you’re supposed to be doing. Trust me, and I know you weren’t lessening the circumstance, but you don’t want a miscarriage. 3 pregnancies and babies later, the sound of an unfamiliar baby’s cries still haunt my dreams.

    Love the Moosh and be the healthiest you right now…and keep having all that fun, unprotected sex!

    Anissa@Hope4Peytons last blog post..The One Where I Write My Own Eulogy

  30. Thank you for sharing this with us. I struggled with infertility with my son… two years into it I was convinced that I wouldn’t be a mom. I started saving up for adoption. It can be heartbreaking, perplexing and frustrating. I hope that fat kid scrams and you find the path that makes you happy.

    Rachaels last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Bathtime Joy

  31. *hugs* You are amazing to be so honest about these things on your blog, I admire that. Just keep practicing and enjoying all the sex, and be the great Mama that you are to the Moosh. That’s all you can do ๐Ÿ™‚

    Jens last blog post..Squeegee Beckenheim

  32. Stress can affect sperm count, and I hear that law school is a little stressful. And how long has he been in now? ‘Bout 3 years? Hmmmm…

    Hugs,
    Amy

    Amys last blog post..Underwhelming Enthusiasm

  33. We don’t have the medical history you do, but we struggled with conceiving our second as well. Our daughter was 16 months when we began our efforts, and was nearly three years old when we finally succeeded. (Aside: I blame my in-laws living with us off and on for over a year during that time, usually for brief periods right around ovulation, for the delay. Within three months of them staying away for good – because their house was built – my wife was pregnant.)

    Looking back over that TTC phase, in some ways I wish there was something medical to blame for our failure; it might have made the experience less frightening to have what apparently would be fewer unknowns. I’m not saying I envy your position – that would be disrespectful – but I will say that having something to blame it on might be somewhat easier than just trying and then holding your breath around day 28-32 every month.

    SciFi Dads last blog post..Instinct

  34. OK. Yes, double commenter. Call the blog police. I just read Amy’s comment above mine, and she is totally right.

    I mentioned my in-laws and ovulation timing. What I neglected (because I didn’t want to write War and Peace in the comments… too late now, I know) was that their visits were always stressful. Once we took my MIL off my wife’s (and my) back for a decent amount of time, we were pregnant.

    So, I second Amy’s sentiments. Give it time.

    SciFi Dads last blog post..Instinct

  35. I completely understand your “fat kid” I have the same one. Its currently been 7 years and not even a blip. Although I completely believe that when its my time, blah, blah, blah. There are days that I wish I was like other people and could just say woohoo I’m pregnant, but the sad reality is that without an increased amount of drugs and some doctors assistance it is very likely to never happen for us.

    Don’t get me wrong I have ideas as to why we haven’t been blessed yet, and they have to do with what we’ve been able to do without children, but right now I’m pretty sure I’d rather have a child than anything else.

    My best thoughts breathe, and start a new day.

  36. just trust sweet girl. I am sorry for yr hurt. I cannot imagine hat it feels like, but I am praying for you.

    amys last blog post..I have only come here seeking knowledge

  37. I know how hard this is. I went through it for 5 years, waiting, wondering, hoping, praying. I can totally empathize with you. Anything I can say to ease your longing will not help. So, just know that you are not alone.

    Kristins last blog post..Alice in Non-Dairyland

  38. There are 8 years between me and my sister. My parents almost gave up. Then they had me and my two brothers. Don’t give up hope.

    Mrs. Whos last blog post..No, I Did Not Get That Cake In A Bakery. But I’m SO GLAD You Think So.

  39. I can imagine the flipping back and forth between optimism and pessimism. It is something you really want but can’t have and so there is need to rationalize. I hope it works out beautifully for you whatever result happens.

    andreas last blog post..So Many Words

  40. I (well we) have been trying to get pregnant with our first for a few months now and the waiting is so tiring. I’m tired of everyone else getting pregnant and enjoying their new babies. I want it to be my turn now. Patience is not my strong suit…

    I hope that both of us get our turn soon.

  41. Casey, I totally understand how you feel. Hubby and I have been married almost four years. I would’ve been okay with a conception on our wedding night. So far, nothing. Everyone around me’s having babies, too. They’re such amazing treasures and I’m thrilled for all of them… but I keep getting this distinct feeling that God thinks I’m not ready yet. Then I look at all the teens or irresponsible adults who have kids and I’m like, “Wha?” I just don’t get it.

    Wow, that was a downer comment – I’m sorry. Just know you’re not the only one who feels that way.

    AGs last blog post..Writing Guide

  42. I’ve been getting really wordy in the comments lately, so how about I just say that your fat kid analogy made my day.

    I haven’t posted in over a week. I’ve got a Fat Camp in my head.

    And yeah, I’m going to jump on the “God knows what He’s doing” boat on this one. Hang in there. But feel free to complain all you want, babe.

    Velveteen Mind – Megans last blog post..Like Tom Hanks but Without the Cash

  43. HG bites the big one. And, for me, it sucked even more with each pregnancy. But, for you, I hope it was a one time fluke and maybe your next pregnancy will be peaches and cream. Or steak and watermelon. Or chewy candy and pizza.

    What I’m trying to say is, I hope you can get pregnant, stay pregnant and not have to toss your cookies the entire time. Good luck.

    chaffinclans last blog post..Why didn’t anyone tell me I look like a clown?

  44. I know how you feel. I had a terrible delivery with my first and almost died. I waited for many years before we even tried for #2 and then I couldn’t get pregnant. We had to do fertility treatments to get #2. I have mixed emotions about #3, I want more children but it is so stressful to just get pregnant. I just don’t know if I want to go through all of that again. I had to really, really, want #2 to even try and I don’t feel that way yet for a #3. Sorry to ramble…

    I am so glad that you posted this because in our religious culture, we are expected to have large families, and for some of us that is just not physically possible. I just get tired of feeling judged all the time. And I am really, really tired of people asking me “So when are you going to have another baby?”

    So thanks for sharing your story, it makes the rest of us feel like we are not the only ones…

    a.mens last blog post..Pioneer Day & a New Do

  45. I get the fat kid reference. I totally get that.

    I hope putting it on paper helps you move on, at least for a few more days.

  46. Casey, I have always admired your honesty and openness on your blog. I am currently struggling with the whole pregnancy thing and it sucks. Seven months now. I guess I have 2 more months before I join the other 18%. I prefer not to publicly talk about my struggles/emotions/pessimism, but I am glad I can find others out there who have the guts to put it into words. Thank you.

  47. Thank you for writing this and sharing that wisdom from the women at church.

    The last 5 years I have been angry with my body for not working.

    Just this past week it was another negative test in the waste basket and yet again I was so hopeful and let down.

    So today, I’ll close the tab of your blog knowing that I’m needed today, for now, just the way I am.

    crookedeyebrows last blog post..Happy Birthday Momma!

  48. I personally feel that it’s just not your time is a load of baloney. It’s right up there with my sister getting pregnant right after mom died because she (mom) was watching/sending her love. What about me? Is it clear that I’m not the loved one then?

    I’m glad that you’ve been able to keep your faith and trust in God through 3 years of relief society where fertility runs rampant with jello salad. After 5 years I’ve turned my back on all of it and fully believe God has better things to do then concern himself with a woman or a thousand’s wonky repoductive systems

  49. I too cant get pregnant the old fashion way. I am 27 and had ivf when I was 25. I was lucky enough to become pg with my twin girls, but that doesnt mean that I dont long for more children. It doesnt mean that I wish it couldnt happen naturally for me. I understand how you feel. I am def a believer that GD gives us only what he thinks we can handle (thats’s what I said to myself when my girls were born at 30 weeks and stayed in the nicu for 6 weeks of their lives)

    mayas last blog post..Celebs

  50. I’m not sure today is the day you want this “pep talk” (I remember those days ~ if it is, don’t hate me just read this tomorrow)

    J & I have been together for almost 8 years & we’ve only used birth control for the three months after we miscarried Piglet (dr’s didn’t want to risk me getting pregnant while they were finding out why we lost her) I took the drugs to get pregnant twice & lost one, I had the horrid HG with Noodle (oh help me, the horrors)

    But I was accidentally knocked up this year, by the grace and funny bone of God ~ He thinks this is best & we’re along for the ride. I am one of those girls who can tell you that it happens when you least expect it & it’s a miracle every time. Maybe God knows that hubs needs to be more available to you so that you can be sick next time, or maybe he knows that you will need KICK BOOTY insurance & doesn’t want you to worry about poor people dr’s while you are violently hurling.

    Or maybe He’s waiting until some unknown crazy time when He decides “Hey ~ *this* baby is special enough to be Mooshes sister.”

    Remember all you can of pregnancy with the Moosh now because you will desperately need those memories later when you’re trying to remember what’s normal & if you’ve gone insane ๐Ÿ˜‰

    This will happen for you ~ I honestly don’t believe that God meant for Moosh to be an only, He’s just waiting for the right fit for her sibling.

    Bellamommas last blog post..You knew it would happen eventually