Monday morning I headed into a local hospital to have ink shoved up my fallopian tubes.

If you are to ever have this procedure done your doctor will either call it an HSG test or a “Hystero,” if he’s really into freaking you out he’ll give you the full name, hysterosalpingogram followed with a shallow promise of mild discomfort. When you get home you will Google said HSG test and see that yes, mild discomfort similar to menstrual cramps is to be expected. 

If you are like me you will then tweet “Who’s ever had an HSG and are sedatives a good idea?” You will get responses back ranging from “@mooshinindy heavy drinking advised” to “@mooshinindy NEVER AGAIN. GOD BLESS, you’re going to need it.” to “@mooshinindy There’s not enough tranquilizers in the world.”

You will then call your doctor to make sure he’s aware you passed out at your first colposcopy and required Xanax at subsequent inter-vaginal procedures. Your doctor will quickly prescribe you Klonopin, so quickly in fact you begin to panic even more about the upcoming violation of your previously exit only cervix.

When V (violation) day comes you should really take a friend with you. I brought Ami, I trust her more than I trust my DVR. I really suggest you bring a friend whom you also trust more than your DVR. If you’re in the Indianapolis area, I am available, I may even let you borrow Ami.

I changed into a hospital frock, bare from the bellybutton down and hopped up on the hardest most cold, cruel medical x-ray table ever. Sure they put a sheet on it but there’s no denying that the tables they do autopsies on may be more comfortable. A radiologist came in (a middle aged woman thank heavens, I can only imagine the guffawing from Ami had a hot doctor appeared to ink me.) This middle aged woman made me the same “mild discomfort” promises to which I promptly replied “Iz on deh Klonopin, rilly, iz gud…*drool*” Humor can only take me so far when I’m scared.

Brr, cold x-ray table. Brr. Cold x-ray room. All of those where shoved where no one ever wants something cold, metal and expandable shoved.   

See all those speculums? Who else knew they came in every size and shape? Who found out they came in every size and shape after every one was shoved in their tender areas in an attempt to get their cervix to “pop out?” Anyone? By the time she popped my cervix out she asked “Uh, does this hurt? Your cervix is really irritated and bleeding.” To which I started to cry, because yes, it really did hurt and WAH, I didn’t want to know that you made me bleed. 

Ami gets four gold stars for champion hand holding.

In went the tube, which truthfully looked long enough to come out my nose, or at least tickle my uvula. The former moosh manor was filled with contrast ink and all sorts of pictures were taken of my anemone like uterus.

  • I had no idea it was that small. Talk about elasticity.
  • I had no idea it moves around as much as it did.

The idea behind the test is that if your fallopian tubes are open the ink will spray out the top like a shaken bottle of sparkling cider. If one of your tubes is blocked the ink will either bust its way through (which happened on my left side) or it will only pour out the open tube, or back out through your cervix if you’re all kinds of plugged up.

SAI HAI TO MAI YOOTERUS!

(click on picture to get notes on each frame.)

I am now 100% assured that my tubes are a superhighway of moosh 2.0 egg transport.

I’m not sure what’s next, but I do know my baby making parts are open for business. I also know that the sign of a true friend is one who takes you in to get donuts after a test like this, even though you’re staggering like a drunk, who doesn’t judge when you eat three of the four donuts on the way home, gets you to your couch, covers you with a blanket and leaves you to drool on your pillow in a drug induced haze for the next eight hours.

three of these did not make it home, unless you count in my stomach home.

Long’s Bakery Cinnamon Fry and Carmel Iced Fluff Filled bars. Everyone  now with the nom nom.

May everyone have an Ami in their life, and open free flowing tubes. And donuts for later. And Klonopin. And a fluffy pillow and soft blanket. And people to watch your kid (thanks A. and M.!)

Comments

  1. i firmly stand by my proclamation that the hysterosalpingogram was the single most painful thing i’ve EVER had done. and let’s just say i’ve had a ton of painful procedures done. it was hideosity!

    Monicas last blog post..How does your garden grow?

  2. I’ve never had one done. But I have endured the “OMG how many of those cold duck lips are you going to try before you get the right one?!” experience. NOT fun. Would not wish it on my worst enemy, if I had one.

    Glad to hear you’re tubes are open for business, and I sincerely hope you get a special blessing soon.

    Gotta love the friends who are there for you. What would we do without them?

    Antonettes last blog post..Eeeeewwwww I Need Neosporin!

  3. I’m glad everything is clear and open for business. I hope moosh 2.0 starts up soon and is available for marketing in the next year or so!

    I’m also extremely glad you had such a great friend with you and some drugs.

    Erikas last blog post..So Much for Decision Making!

  4. Oh MY GOSH, I am so glad I haven’t had to have that done (yet…if I ever want to have kids, it might be on my plate). That looks mighty awful. Congrats, though, on wide open tubes! That is fine news!

  5. Those donuts look delicious! I bet they look even better on Klonopin. Great way to cap off the hsg. For mine, I capped mine off by driving myself home. Not drugged. Bummer.

  6. Thank goodness for good friends. Glad things are flowing freely – keeping fingers crossed for moosh 2.0 for you!!

    pgoodnesss last blog post..On reading

  7. Glad you made it through. Your story gave me flashbacks to my own drug-free hsg. I shouldn’t have been so brave. Oh what we go through to have children. Glad your tubes are open and ready for action.

    Getting Pregnant with PCOSs last blog post..Follow me on twitter

  8. Thank goodness for drugs. You would think doctors were sadistic for coming up with such painful tests (I have yet to experience many, but I’m already scared) if it weren’t for the fact that they are actually trying to help…
    Best wishes with the moosh 2.0!

    Kristas last blog post..Two!

  9. those mofos just sat there and kept shoving stuff up until you started BLEEDING!?!

    you know, i know there was more to the post after that but i kind of got stuck at that point. well also i saw that the donuts had caramel inside? [sparkles! unicorns! caramel!] but i just can’t move past the freaking “hm, I made you bleed.”

    Every kind of internet hug invented is moving over the ‘webs from me to you right now.

  10. Glad the test went well.

    I’ve had the test. I don’t ever want to repeat it.

    the mama bird diariess last blog post..you will not find a picture of jennifer aniston on this blog

  11. In frames 6 and 8, your uterus totally looks like the Twitter bird. Just sayin’.

    I’m glad that you made it through what sounds like a horror movie excuse for a test. Yikes.

    Lynn (Walking With Scissors)s last blog post..The one where I break down and have a pity party for one…

  12. Ouch! My tenders hurt for your tenders! You brave soul!

    a.mens last blog post..rockin’

  13. Um, ouch. But yay for open tubes, drugs, and donuts! How did you get those pictures? Were you alone with Ami in the room for awhile or did you take them with other people in there? I would A)Never think to take pictures and B)Be way to chicken if I DID think to take pictures.

    amandas last blog post..The Danger of Silence

  14. You’re a rockstar. Seriously.

    My first HSG – I passed out cold while the gyno was scraping my cervix. When I came to, I started bawling… they were stopping the test and I was going to have to go through it all over again.

    The 2nd time around, it was performed by my fertility doc, and he agreed to knock me out completely for it. Just had to survive some cramping later, and I was just fine.

    Happy to hear everything’s free-flowing! Best of luck to you!

    Aimees last blog post..April Fools??

  15. Ack, sorry to hear that, Casey! That does NOT sound nice. It sounds like we may have some similar problems, minus me trying to make little mooshes. And instead of LEEP I had the lasering version. I’m wishing you all the best in your baby-making, and will be anxiously awaiting the time I can heap congratulations on your (blog) head!

    Megs last blog post..Reaction

  16. Your uterus’s celebration of ink really just made my day (and it was already good, so…). Thanks.

    Camilles last blog post..What it Takes to Be a HyperMiler

  17. I had to have contrast in my brain once. And let me tell you — I FREAKED out in the MRI tube. To say the least I didn’t so much care for the contrast. My heart goes out to you and your irritated and bleeding uterus!

    And Klonopin… oh my beloved Klonopin. Now you see how I maade it through Christmas this year. That wasn’t Olivia suddenly learning to hold her crap together. That was consistently sedated Olivia. She’s great. I like her.

    Klonopin party next Christmas?

    Olivia Singletons last blog post..I blame it on the bite guard

  18. Yay for superhighway tubes! (Officially the weirdest sentence I have expressed to a stranger.)

  19. I… wow. My HSG was horrible, but there was at least one saving grace – my doc used a plastic speculum. Of course then to get it out, she just broke it in pieces (yeah, I don’t know. Maybe she was angry because my uterus is all ****ed up? Like “UNICORNUATE! HULK SMASH!”) Either way, I am glad you had the Klonopin. Their stupid “Take a couple of Advil an hour before” advice is for noobs.

    Louises last blog post..Where the Wild Things Are.

  20. Natalie says:

    Oh, wow, that brings back memories. That was the first thing I had done in my attempts to get preg. I wasn’t smart enough to ask for pain killers (I didn’t even take an Advil), which means I could have killed my doc in the process. I have never been in that much pain! But now it’s over and you at least have the comfort of knowing your tubes are “superhighways.” 🙂

  21. Don’t you just love Long’s! Yum-o! Did you go to the one on Southport or near 16th street? Both are great!!!Sorry you had to go through the HSG test. Hugs!

  22. Now that I’ve met your uterus, I feel like I know you a whole lot better than before.

    Your speculum story reminded me of when I had the plate put in my ankle after I fell and broke it (carrying my then 1 year old daughter – she was fine).

    I was conscious (spinal) and at one point the surgeon goes, “[expletive that is 2 words, one starting with J one starting with C] man, what the hell do you eat?”

    “What? Why?”

    “I’ve never dealt with bones as dense as this!”

    [cue sound of drill whirring extra hard and fast]

    (Um, yeah, thanks. Didn’t need to know that.)

    SciFi Dads last blog post..Buddy At Six Months

  23. I have two friends who recently underwent this procedure (if that’s what you want to call it, I’m now thinking this kind of torture should be used by our soldiers when they are interrogating the bad guys).
    Thanks so much for sharing. I had no idea it was so cold and painful. Your honesty is awesome.

    Alis last blog post..Non-Maternal Instincts

  24. I have had the colposcopy and related cryotherapy and sweet jesus on a pogo stick – the pain. I hope I never have to have this test. I’m so glad you had good drugs, good donuts and an even better friend to see you through.

    I’m ready for Moosh 2.0!

    Jens last blog post..Putting Things In Perspective

  25. Sue in Carmel says:

    Oh girl. This brought back flashbacks.

    Painful ones.

    I also did not take any meds and I thought I was going to have the contrast dye squirting out my tear ducts from the pressure. Nothing as painful as that. EVAH.

    Yeah for the clear tubes!

  26. SERIOUSLY. MILD??! discomfort?!!! I can’t get enough ?!??!!!!’s !!!

    IT HURT. A LOT. So much so I truly thought they must be doing it wrong or I was deformed in the nether regions and I in no way should attempt the lottery that day.

    Good news: I did get pregnant the second month after I had that ‘MILDLY PAINFUL’ procedure. Yippeee! I wish the same for you and your girl parts!!

    kristis last blog post..Things I love

  27. Been there done that. Fun stuff.

  28. Eeek, eeek and again with the EEEEk!

    The upside is that it’s alll fun and games from here on out, right? ;P

    Must Be Motherhoods last blog post..Are YOU ready to have children?

  29. Savannah says:

    I have to schedule one whenever my cycle decided to start. I am now terrified. 🙁

  30. I had a series of female tests & procedures completed earlier this year. My mom just recently told me that I, while hopped up on valium pre-procedure, made fun of a woman claiming she had on a latch-hook sweater and MOM jeans. She said it was totally worth the trip from IN to IL to be with me.

  31. Holy cow! Thanks for sharing your pictures with us. That was really interesting! (I’m being serious! I enjoy medical type things as long as they are not MY things!) Glad you got donuts. They really do make everything better. Enjoy your drugs, honey.

    Jen L.s last blog post..I’m a winner!

  32. Get up off the couch woman Ty Pennington is in the neighborhood and you need to take pictures stat:) EHM was doing a house in Indy this week with the big unveil on Saturday.. We are going to be at the State Fair Grounds this weekend and i’m kind of thinking of heading their direction. Cause i’m a stalker like that!!

  33. You poor thing! Sounds horrific but I’m glad you had a buddy to support you. I’ve had a colposcopy and a vag ultrasound, neither of which were fun for ANYONE. Just imagine if your job were shoving things into women’s girly bits – YOWSA!

    Mymsies last blog post..Recent Mortifications

  34. OMG Moosh! I had to have a lady bits test yesterday. My ovaries are very tender right now. Good luck on the baby making … at least have fun trying!

    Crazy Mos last blog post..Date Night

  35. That variety of speculums struck fear into my girly bits. I actually crossed my legs when I saw them. I am traumatized that you had to go through that. Hold you. Or hold me.

    Emilys last blog post..The Hunt Begins

  36. Ohmystarsandgarters! You poor thing!! Mine was bad enough & my tubes weren’t blocked == I can’t imagine what it would have been if they were.

    Why do doctors downplay the pain scale so much on this exam? Mine told me to take tylenol (I didn’t listen & took a percocet, Thank God). I was told I would be able to drive myself home ~ um. NO!

    Seriously, can’t imagine how bad that hurt with blocked tubes. I am SO …. needing chocolate cake 😉

    (What did they say about having your camera with you!? LOL)

    Bellamommas last blog post..It’s been around since I was a Junior

  37. I had this when we were trying to get preggers with Bear. I was “all clear” too. It didn’t hurt that much though.

    Often this tests clears you out even if you don’t have actual blockage and you get pregnant after having it. I do hope that happens for you!

    Amy2 boyss last blog post..Oh Who Am I Kidding- It Isn’t Going To Be Wordless

  38. Mine was stressful too, but I hear that when it hurts you have a blockage. I’m glad you got scoped out with no major awfulness 🙂

    Here’s to moving on to the next step!

    xoxoxo,
    e

    Erika Jurneys last blog post..Kid Art Auction for Earth Day

  39. I also had brain contrast once. I prefer it to the vajayjay contrast.

    Although, at least vajayjay contrast has someplace to…exit.

    So glad everything is clear. I need another curly-haired baby to smoosh.

    heather…s last blog post..Batter Up

  40. I can’t help thinking that if it were ME I would be feeling rather lied to about the whole babies are made speech. YK? Now just remember, when the Moosh is ready for “the talk” that there are MANY ways to make a baby. Yea, I say skip it and take her out for donuts instead.

    kats last blog post..Guaca-poopie

  41. wait… what is “popping the cervix out.” what is that. is that a joke? what does that mean? i’m off to google popping out cervix. maybe i’ll get your blog.

    ms. changes pants while drivings last blog post..proof i’m getting old

  42. the hair on my skin stands up when I see those metal things and where I believe they might have gone.

    But cheers to getting the girlie-bits in order…

    DesignHER Mommas last blog post..Her Little Black Number

  43. That third picture had me nearly passing out with sympathy. Yech.

    Marins last blog post..Loud and Proud

  44. Know EXACTLY what you went through! Had to have 2 – but good news is I now have 2 kids!! Besides the unbelievable pain for my first one it was a Dr that had used to be my mom’s boss and the relationship did not end on a good note… maybe that is why it was more painful than labor!

  45. I had one of those done. Luckily, I only experienced “mild discomfort.” Unluckily, that turned out to be one expensive procedure that my insurance didn’t cover. Boo to that. Glad you’re tubes are free flowing!

    Shannons last blog post..Girls Rock Vegas

  46. God bless you and your fallopian tubes, Casey. I am sqeezing (you know) just thinking about it!

    And big props to your friend for not only the hand-holding but also the Longs, which I recognized even before reading the caption. I think if everyone had free & open access to Longs then the world would be filled with peace and butterflies. Truly.

    Kets last blog post..The tomboy’s daughter

  47. Ugh, I have had a colposcopy and lawd help me I needed major drugs afterward.

    I am ecstatic that the superhighway is open!!!

    WMs last blog post..On husbands and panty dropping

  48. I know two ladies that had that done and ended up preggers with in a month. I’m praying your highway repaving has made the difference in the little guys getting to your goodies.

  49. Those donuts look really yummy. I don’t think I know anyone who has had that done. Yay for awesome tubes.

    zandors last blog post..22 candles to blow out.

  50. In 1999, my doctor called me (at work, no less) to tell me I had pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. Of course, the only thing I heard was “cancer” and proceeded to have a breakdown in front of all of my male co-workers. Fortunately, one of those men was my husband, who escorted me home. Next, my doctor tells me she will need to do a “minor” surgical procedure called a “LEEP.” She will “numb” my cervix and “shave” the cells off and “carterize” the area to stop the bleeding. She said it wouldn’t be any more uncomfortable than a pap smear. This would turn out to be the lie of the century. My husband was with me and held my hand. He was also there as a witness to the torture. The needle they used to “numb” my cervix felt like I was being stabbed. And they did it repeatedly to make sure everything was “numb”. By that time I was crying and shaking. Then my doctor proceeded to give me a hard time about the shivering and then burned me three times with the carterization tool and blamed it on my moving. I never actually “moved” until AFTER she had burned me. I was so traumatized by the whole ordeal that I cried for hours after it was over. I called my aunt who is a nurse, and she was stunned that this woman did this procedure in her office and without me being sedated. My mother needed to have the same procedure and she immediately called her obgyn and asked to be sedated. Things went much more painlessly for her. My doctor never even game me the option of sedation. Whenever one of these doctors say “slight discomfort,” they are lying. What they really need to say is “this is probably going to hurt like hell, but then again what do I know, I’ve never had the procedure done on me.” At least that would be honest.

    Melissas last blog post..Northern Arizona