My uterine factory reset is fast approaching on Tuesday.

Today I went in for my pre-op appointment with Dr. SallyForth.

The good news? I don’t have to do a bowel cleanse the day before.

The bad news? Everything else besides not having to do a bowel cleanse.

I learned today that my uterus has a sick and twisted sense of humor. You see, my period was supposed to start on Monday (it’s Friday today.) I peed on some sticks throughout the week, nothing much, pretty much the norm around casa de moosh. I didn’t do one this morning because in my head I figured that I’d take one at the doctor’s office it would be positive and we’d all laugh at the irony of the situation.

Well it wasn’t positive.

And my period started (literally) the minute I left Dr. SallyForth’s office.

If only it knew what was going to happen to it on Tuesday.

Touché you filthy little trick playing wench of a uterus. I’ll show you.

I never really googled what was going to be happening to me. Since I’ve never had anything done that comes with a possible side effect of death I figured not googling worst case scenarios was better for everyone involved. However today Dr. SallyForth went over the details of what’s going to happen.

First is the Hysteroscopy. They’re going in the only direct way to my uterus. The same way babies come out. While they’re up in my business they’ll be doing a D&C.

The dilation and curettage procedure is called a D&C. The D stands for dilation, which means enlarging. Curettage (the C) means scraping. Together, this procedure involves expanding or enlarging the entrance of a woman’s uterus so that a thin, sharp instrument can scrape or suction away the lining of the uterus and take tissue samples.

NO PART OF THAT SOUNDS AWESOME. Especially since the aforementioned quote is followed by the phrase “D&C is usually a diagnostic procedure and seldom is therapeutic.” When would any part of that be considered THERAPEUTIC?

I’m considering having a zipper installed after the past five years of all this crap.

When they’re all done spelunking in my tenders that’s when they’ll gas up my belly like the Hindenburg and look around on the inside during a laparoscopy. Apparently I’ll get pictures as a souvenir. Silver lining I guess.

Now I put a vote out to you Internets. I need something to write on my belly in Sharpie the day of my procedure. You know, how when you have knee surgery on your left knee they have you write “YES THIS ONE” on your left knee and “NO NOT THIS ONE” on your right knee?

Only mine is way more awesome.

Comments

  1. @Jen L., Hurrrah! It’s hard to be someone’s favorite after talking about my period so thank you!

  2. @Avitable, NO REAR! NO REAR!

  3. @heatheribabble, Way nicer than what D&C actually stands for. I was considering “DRUGS AND CAKE”

  4. @Kimmy, Please shape up to the shape of a fetus, with one inside.
    kthx

  5. @Meaghan, We’re not currently speaking to each other, but when we do I’m going to beat it into submission.

  6. @Adrienne, Drugs and Cake. Drugs and cake.

  7. @Kimmie, Ironically it will be the exact area where I would like the ten pounds gone…

  8. @Heidi, I CAN SEE IT NOW! “Ooh, that’s a lovely color” “Thanks! After my laparoscopy I matched paint colors to my ovaries!”

    Heidi Reply:

    @Casey, Oh, I can see the color possibilities now – Ovary Orange, Laparoscopy Lime, Uterus Umber? A whole new color trend…..

    Casey Reply:

    @Heidi, Don’t forget Fallopian Fawn, a lovely shade of taupe.

  9. @Ohh Betsy!, No one really.

  10. o.k.

    i had something similar…hysteroscopy and d and c but they added some lovely boiling saline water and cauterized my entire uterus so it would stop bleeding every day of the month…sooooo….before hand i said to the smelly, obviously hung over anesthesiologist, that I would like him to be careful with the tube they put down your throat to help you breathe. I mentioned that i am a singer by trade (which means i actually pay bills most of which are our medical bills with my voice) so to please be careful when he jams it down between my vocal chords. he looked at me like i was some dumb idiot and said…”why would i be anything but careful and i usually use another tube that doesn’t have to go between the folds (you stupid, dumb, idiot woman)”…

    he didn’t really say the stuff in the parenthesis but he was thinking it while he was saying it through the little white spit balls on either side of his mouth and some nasty crusty stuff on his top lip all while smelling like oily dirty man mixed with a hint of red wine.

    So all this to say….I’m pullin’ for you tuesday, and can honestly say in your own words: “i’d rather poke my eyes out than have surgery.”

    oh..and i think you should write w/ sharpie on your lower half:

    can you tighten things up while your down there? my husband likes em young….

  11. You don’t need to write the “10 lbs.” thing.

    Hugs and prayers comin’ your way!

    Casey Reply:

    @Headless Mom, You haven’t seen me in a year. The year has not been kind to my waistline. 😉

  12. loves your guts.
    even your needs to be worked on uterus.

    HUGS and know that while I’m driving 5 1/2 hours on Tuesday, you’ll be what I’m thinkin’ about.

    I’ll try to catch you Monday.

  13. Sorry you have to go through that. I hope everything comes out (ha!, er) ok.

  14. She was very late for me too this month, and so I finally broke down and bought a test. I started after I peed on the stick! UGH!

    ON a totally unrelated note-I swear that I saw your hubby’s twin today outside of our local Kohl’s. I kept doing double & triple takes wishing I had your # to call & confirm that this indeed was not your hubby. I think he thought I was checking him out.

  15. Hilarious! I wish you all the best of luck with this, it sounds like it’ll be unpleasant, but hopefully it will lead to something awesome for you.

  16. What a crock of unfair crap Casey! I’m sorry you have to go through this. For what it’s worth, my mom went through 7 years worth of crap and 2 d&c’s, and in the end ended up with me (27 years ago). And this was after they were told there was no hope. There is always a reason to hope!

  17. @Casey, Well I don’t know, I guess I need to go make some new friends. And ask them how clean their ovaries are. This might take a while, I’ll have to get back to you…

  18. Are you going to be twittering this? I expect #caseysuterus to become a trending topic tomorrow.

  19. I tried having a sense of humor when I had this done. The medical form they gave me just before surgery had a list of possible complications and one of them was “perforated uterus”. The bottom of the form had an area for “comments to the surgeon” so I put “please don’t perforate my uterus”. They didn’t laugh…I hope your belly writing has a better audience. Don’t be too worried about the procedure itself – I’ve known several people who’ve done it and neither I nor them came away with any problems.

  20. A little story for you. When I was about sixteen I remember being in my mothers Kitchen and her friend was there. This friends husband was an OB GYN. She was telling my mother that Jack was at an emergency D & C. My sister who was 9 at the time looked at her and said “whats a D & C” She said “Just a little Dusting & Cleaning honey”. Which if you think about it, it is.

  21. I didn’t get any pictures when they did my laproscopy for my gallbladder. Boo, no fair!

    Good luck to you, will be thinking/praying for you when I wake up in the morning…

  22. Just wanted to wish you all the best for tomorrow when they get All Up In Your Bidness. I’ll be praying for you. And yes, apparently, I am the girl who will follow a sentence involving matters of or related to your Lady Town with one involving prayer.

    Keep us all posted! xoxo

  23. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow.

    I had a hysteroscopy done at the end of May while away and it was…NOT.FUN. The good news was that the recovery was very easy.

    I hope they get some answers from all of the work being done tomorrow. Sending positive vibes.

    My son is having surgery tomorrow, too…must be a good medical day!

  24. Do.Not.Want!

    Good luck today Casey. Get lots of rest afterward. Ask the doctor if Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream is okay to gorge on later.

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