I’m not proud to admit that I’m a jealous person.

I’m jealous of just about everyone in my life in one way or another. Even the people I don’t get along with all that much, because they are usually the ones who are pregnant, rich or have the abs of Hilary Swank.

In fact I’m jealous than no one else seems jealous of anyone else.

When I actually have the opportunity to sit down and read through blogs I usually come away feeling all down on myself because so and so can sing, so and so has an amazing house, so and so just got a new car, so and so is pregnant, so and so just met Steve Carell at a party, so and so is an amazing photographer, so and so is an amazing writer, so and so has the fashion sense of Jackie O., so and so lives in New York, so and so is married to a man that leaves her love notes and cleans the house, so and so looks like a million bucks straight out of bed.

*sigh*

Does this happen to anyone else?

I know we all don’t share everything in our little corner of the internet. I don’t because frankly it’s none of your business and also because I’ve found that by only keeping a memory of the good, the memories of the bad are able to fade a lot faster.

I’ve kept a journal since I was 12. Until I ended up in the psych ward three years ago I wrote about everything in it. Good and bad. Which meant when I went back to read over my past the hurt came bubbling to the surface like a noxious gas. While writing at the time was theraputic, it was poisonous to my future self.

I now keep what I call a “bitch journal”. There are no dates, no proper punctuation, no breaks between entries. I keep it tucked away, deep and hidden and pull it out when the therapeutic need to write hits me. I never read what I wrote. I never will. No one ever will. It will be burned when it is full. But it allows me a release that is sweeter than any chemical or edible substance.

But this brings me back to the seething jealously I have for everyone else’s lives. I know you have problems, a whole mess of them that I wouldn’t really want even if it did come with that fabulous thing you wrote about last week. If any of you want to be me when you grow up, just know it comes with a matching set of baggage that you’ll be left to carry around by yourself.

A lot.

Jealousy and my own (very numerous) insecurities are something I really need to get a grip on before the moosh gets any wiser. They are not traits I want to be passing on.

Comments

  1. I know what you mean- I try to be thankful for what I have and who I have it with. The grass over on the other side of the fence is on a slippery slope and if I’m not careful I’ll fall and impale myself on that fence.

    Lindy’s last blog post..Porto, Oh Porto!!

  2. except you’re gorgeous, you have a gorgeous family, you have a lot going for you, you have a fun life,etc!

    blair’s last blog post..Happy 1 Month Baby!

  3. I really get this, Casey. Brave to say it out loud. If it helps any, I’m jealous of you in the best possible ways, of course.

    Mrs. Chicken’s last blog post..Tomorrow Has Arrived

  4. aah, but people only write on their blog what they want you to see. Many of them have bad hair, acne, a pot belly and a messy house just like the rest of us. Or maybe just me…

    Jill’s last blog post..Jobs that suck

  5. I’ve been thinking quite a bit about this very topic. I’m jealous of just about every other blogger I read because they are all much more honest, funny, and interesting writers than I will ever be.

    I also love photo blogs, but find myself mired in angst over my photographic shortcomings.

    Self acceptance–not as easy as it sounds!

    Jenny’s last blog post..What is Going on Around Here?

  6. I’m always jealous of everyone else via their blogs! South Bay is a freaking gourmet chef and remodeled her kitchen, Jim is a fantastic writer, You have a beautiful child when I’ve been off birth control for 15 months… it happens to all of us.

    If it makes you feel any better (not that you’ve been jealous of me, but you know…) the skunk pooped on my passenger seat yesterday…

    Reese’s last blog post..Help From Other Bloggers, Please!

  7. After being jealous of your serious cooking supplies, I bought a microplane and, wow, was I in heaven yesterday when I used it to zest a lemon for the first time. Glorious! (sorry, this has little to do with this post, but you needed to know about my gratitude for your recommendation).

    Janssen’s last blog post..Worth a Visit . . . Right?

  8. OK, I agree with everything you wrote. I am totally jealous of what I perceive other people’s lives to be – and have to keep reminding myself that my perception is not their reality. My own life is both better than and worse than theirs, in its own ways. And it’s MINE, and I need to learn to love that… But I’m still a tad bit envious of everyone out there with a car. And a house. I know I can’t have either living here in the city (without a couple million bucks, which I don’t have, either…) – but I miss my old car…

    Z’s last blog post..that pile

  9. I have a bitch journal, too. It’s great therapy!

    Kris’s last blog post..SPT: An interview

  10. Come read my blog – it’ll be a self-esteem boost for ya – I guarantee it. =-) (And I enjoy your blog….a lot!)

  11. Mama needs a bitch journal! What a great idea.

    Lately I find myself jealous of other couples our age (late 30s) living in fabulous houses, taking fabulous trips, swimming in their fabulous pools, etc. It’s a material wealth jealousy and it’s just silly, I know. (And it’s frustrating since both myself and my hubby work.) Their houses look like something out of a magazine shoot and ours is well…very lived in. And full of dog hair and fingerprints. 😉 The other day my 5-year-old was telling my mom that our house was very “hairy.” Yikes!

    Hang in there sweetie. We all have insecurities!

    Jamie’s last blog post..Don’t You Wish Your Doggie Was a Freak Like Ours?

  12. Yes, I feel the sting of jealousy when I read the awesomeness that is pervasive throughout the blogosphere. And then I reflect on my little ol’ corner of it, and it usually does not amount to much in comparison.

    The bitch journal is a great idea!

    Jessalee’s last blog post..I probably won’t get wife of the year

  13. I’m glad everyone else on here so far is jealous of things too….i often find myself quite jealous of you. More often than not.

    Skye’s last blog post..Books please

  14. I am jealous of all of the dazzlements you recieve on your blog. I want lots of comments, too!

    Bethany’s last blog post..My Beautiful Girl

  15. wow – and I thought I was the only one who depressed myself by reading about the fabulous lives of other bloggers while I plod through my mundane, financially bereft, and overwhelmed mommy existence. Thanks for the reminder that insecurity & jealousy are pervasive in the blog world, and it is not just me!!!

    Lauri’s last blog post..day off from school

  16. I am jealous of your writing ability, and that you can be so honest about hard things in your life. You are funny as all heck, have great style, and you’re obviously a great cook. Seriously, I haven’t commented here before because I feel like my comment just wouldn’t have the wit to match your blog. So there. There are my jealousies. But seriously, I used to have a ton more jealousies than I now do in my daily life, and getting what I thought I wanted didn’t fix it. I decided to explore my own talents and really learn to be proud of me, and that really helped.

    Sheyenne’s last blog post..2nd choice

  17. The bitch journal is a fantastic idea… I’m totally starting one. (See, there you go inspiring the internet with stuff that comes straight from you. One person’s bitch journal is another persons new car, or new pregnancy, or abs like Hilary Swank… ok, maybe not that last one…)

    xox

    heidikins’s last blog post..What shoes would YOU wear?

  18. Oh, I know what you mean. I recently wrote about home envy after touring around neighbors houses and seeing how well they decorate the insides. While mine has every wall painted the exact same color of light beige which compliments the wall to wall medium beige carpet. Sigh.

    We’ve all got the little green-eyed monster in us. Bravo to you for putting it out there.

    Rachel Nau’s last blog post..Fashion Tuesday

  19. Casey,
    I’ve gotten depressed reading YOUR blog, woman! (and I mean that in the good way) You are obviously not alone in your feelings. Other traits you pass on to M: bravery, honesty, sincerity, humor, sincerity, perserverance….!!!

    Personally, sometimes I have to skip the pregnancy related posts I see. You take care of yourself how you need!

    Wendy’s last blog post..county budget cuts hit home

  20. You and I are on the same page today. Utterly and completely.

    Angella’s last blog post..Behind The Scenes

  21. Oh, Yeah, Blogging brings out my envy!

    The comments, the traffic, the use of proper punctuation!

    All the posts I wish I wrote!

    All the women who don’t feel the need to use so many darn exclamation points!!!

    Most of all (shh…don’t tell) It’s the girls. I’m jealous of all the baby girls in pink, the ruffles, ribbons and Disney princesses.

    There ya have it!

    Whaddya say -The Moosh for Five boys?

    Mwah- Big love for ya, Miss Casey!

    Alli ~Mrs. Fussypants’s last blog post..Fussy’s Caption Voting, Frump Fighter Call to Duty & Love

  22. Oh…jealousy is my cruel mistress.

    She makes me feel worse about myself every day…

    But in turn, she drives me to work harder so I may one day find the magical place where I don’t envy…and become the one that IS envied.

    It’ll never happen…but Jealousy craves it.

    Oh, and BTW…she SO wants to be you…you’re too clever on the blog-side…she’s…well…jealous.

    Sadie’s last blog post..Cloud 9…

  23. Jealousy is a hard one to tackle. i hate feeling jealous. hugs.

    Aimee Greeblemonkey’s last blog post..Paint Drips and Appleballz

  24. jealousy is so difficult. It eats away at you and seems to rip the floor right out from under you.
    Not that it will make you feel better but, I’m envious of your writing and your posting skills. You have an amazing talent for witty titles and for making the everyday seem extraordinary.

  25. You get more comments in one post than I do in a year. So let’s talk about jealousy.

    Kimmie’s last blog post..What?!

  26. I’m not envious of other people’s lives…I enjoy my own too much. I do find myself clashing swords with my own green eyed monster when I do read a well written blog post.

    Like this one.

    Dammit. Why didn’t I think of writing this? LOL.

    Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..Surrounded by Pricks

  27. I have been fighting with jealousy too. Blogs are nice but also terrible. (I am totally jealous of your creativey with the Barbie Island Princess cake you made for the Moosh.)I like seeing what people are up to but I feel like a real loser sometimes after reading them. Yet I am grateful for blogs because they are my only friends right now.

  28. I blog about the positives and store away the negatives. Like you, I find it is healthier that way. I am going to choose to believe that all other bloggers who speak no evil are suppressing it, like us. Maybe that way I won’t feel jealous of what they have, because they are not talking about what they don’t have.

    BTW – love the new banner.

    Amy’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Disappearing Act

  29. I’m insanely jealous of every mom who lives in a house larger than 1100 sq feet, and has any sort of land, and who doesn’t live in a city that goes on forever, and who doesn’t have to work in order to make ends meet. And by meet I mean, stretch, ring and beg every dollar to fit.

    Yes, I try to pretend I’m not, but I am jealous.

    Oh, and I’m also jealous of moms who have other mom friends.

    Phew! I feel better,

    Smiling Mom’s last blog post..The Great Reset Button.

  30. some days I read your blog and I literally stick my tongue out at you. I want to feel as grown up as you appear to be. I want to have a little moosh, more so I want to feel like I’m responsible enough to have a little moosh. I want to have the courage and creativity to share my world on a blog and actually have people visit every day to read about me and my life. Reading this post was good for me in the sense that it made me realize perhaps there is someone out there who envies my life I just don’t know about it….

  31. I know what you mean. Usually I manage to trick myself into feeling vaguely superior of people in real life, but in the blog world, where many people present a good side of themselves (hey, I do it too), it’s easy to feel like you’re not as cool, or as smart, or writing as well as everyone else.

    I do think, however, that the fact that you are self-aware and conscious of the fact that these are not traits you want your daughter to inherit is great.

    Nell’s last blog post..In a Temporary State of Limbo, Well, Several States, Actually.

  32. You are so so so not alone on that one. Not that you’d be jealous of me or anything, but would it make you feel better knowing that I am enjoying the oh-so mature and health conscious breakfast of chocolate and half a day old bean burrito? Didn’t think so…

    Sarah’s last blog post..To Bang or Not To Bang??

  33. I’ve always been a little bit jealous others, but ever since my husband was killed I’ve been insanely jealous of anyone who has a husband.

    Laura’s last blog post..Yawn….

  34. Casey, I just spent the last 2 weeks reading every post you have written, and I have to tell you, you are amazing. I am jealous at how much you love your little girl and find so much joy in her life. I admire how you have been through so much in your life and still have a good attitude. Thank you for showing me that I can find joy in the little things.

  35. Memphislis says:

    You know what I think you don’t realize? Some people (read: ME) are jealous of your ability to be frank while endearing at the same time. You are so Real, and that is why it’s fun to read your blog. My uncle says “Every pickle has bumps”. Words to live by?

  36. Me, too. Just so you know you’re not the only one!

    Caminante’s last blog post..Tratando de mejorar…

  37. I’m jealous that you’ve been nominated for Blogger awards, which you certainly deserve. How’s that for bitchiness? (The Bitch Journal to Burn is a great idea, btw.)
    Jealousy may be the very worst human burden. When I’m not jealous of how I perceive other people’s lives are, I’m jealous of my own un-fulfilled dreams about my own life. I guess we can chase our tails or try to really “get” that no matter what we have, there’s always something else we’ll want. You can’t win and it’ll just drive ya nuts.

    Must be Motherhood’s last blog post..Getting waaay ahead of myself

  38. 1. there’s no possible way you could be jealous of me for ANY reason…i’m just sayin

    2. love the idea of a bitch journal…actually, i think my blog is a sort of bitch journal lol

    3. i’m also a very jealous person, and yes, many times i’m jealous of you!

    4. love you!

    Biddy’s last blog post..who wants to see Biddy’s spine!?

  39. I love the idea of a bitch journal. I’m a little afraid of how quickly I’ll fill it up though.

    Anyway, I do get jealous. A lot. For me it revolves mostly around being being single and not being super skinny. I have to remind myself that I don’t actually hate people who are not either of those things.

    Nic’s last blog post..How to back out?

  40. I understand how you feel, I do. I get jealous a lot. Like right now? Jealous of your comment love. See, not alone.

  41. Will it make you feel any better if I tell you I am INCREDIBLY JEALOUS of your cooking paraphernalia and general hilarity? Because I am.

    metalia’s last blog post..The First Step Is Recognizing That You Have A Problem

  42. I know. I am jelous too at times. But are they REALLY happy in life? Or hiding something?

  43. Oh man, you are so not alone. I’ve had to deal with jealousy so sneaky and poisonous that it threatened good friendships–because it usually takes me a while to figure out that it’s just jealousy, I don’t really dislike that person. And it doesn’t help to meditate on the fact that they have problems too, because then I start noticing their faults, which are sometimes real reasons not to like them. The only thing that helps me is to remind myself of all the things I love about my own life. And usually I end up with a big grin on my face, thinking about how lucky I am. I recommend it.

    Amber’s last blog post..Structurally Unsound

  44. i’m jealous of everyone. i’m not proud of it…but it happens 😉

    ali’s last blog post..used by a nanny pimp…and some heartbreak

  45. Yeah – but seriously – how many of them have anything 1/2 as gorgeous as the Moosh?

    Mary Beth’s last blog post..AND THE AWARD GOES TO…..

  46. Yep, I get jealous, too. Not so much that seething angry jealousy – more like a mopey, depressed jealousy.

    I get jealous of a lot of other bloggers who get a lot more attention and are better and more interesting writers than me. I only wish I could be as funny and witty.

    I also get jealous of those who have more money – I’d kill for a vacation right now, but it isn’t in the works.

    And of course I’m jealous of anyone with kids who sleep more than mine. The sleep issue convinces me that life isn’t fair.

    So don’t worry, you’re in good company with everyone here.

    Christina’s last blog post..Now It’s A List Of Four

  47. Oh man do I KNOW about jealousy! We are like peanut butter and jelly. I worked in a high end salon for 7yrs in califonia and WOW! I found myself wanting, wishing, hoping and *GULP* getting things I COULDN’T afford because of everyone around me. It is STILL flowing through my blood like hot lava a little but it has slowed down since moving away from it all. I am trying to appreciate everyone around me as an individual and realize that I am ok how I am and that I am not so bad. *SIGH* Always hope for that in the next life. =)

    Carlzbad’s last blog post..Amazing Article

  48. Too funny. And is it Bossy, or does she have the only cluttered Blog in all Teh Internets when everyone else has a sleek organized design? Sigh.

  49. First of all you know you have a TON going for you, right? You’re a great writer, mom, wife, chef etc.

    I think some people struggle with this more than others but I think we all go through it. It sounds to me like you’re going to pass on through this phase of your life just fine. So many people don’t – they grow older but not wiser.

    When you’re a hairy old Sasquatch lady in your thirties like me you’ll be glad for the few good things left 😉 Kidding – I feel blessed – BUT I can tell you I struggled like you when I was in my twenties.

    Jen M’s last blog post..Can’t Relate to the Angst No More

  50. I am a VERY jealous person. Or maybe it’s “controlling.” Because mine really only strikes in relationships.

    I don’t really get jealous in a way that I want to pout because so and so has a better life. But I get jealous in a “happy?” way – like, “Hot damn that Casey can cook! I wish I could cook like that!!!!”

    I REALLY like your bitch notebook idea. Really. Think I might have to go with that.

    Butrfly Garden’s last blog post..Hair Pricks