*clears throat* Hi. Hello. I’m Casey and I refuse to go to the bathroom in front of anyone over the age of four except for female nurses in a hospital setting.

Aside from Addie coming in after age four to have a little conversation with me, no one has ever seen me go to the bathroom except for female nurses in a hospital setting.

But Casey! Cody saw you birth a baby! Surely that’s not any different!

I’ve only birthed two babies in my 29 years and both times something marvelous and distracting came out in the form of a baby. I can assure you, never in my 29 years has something marvelous and distracting come out aside from humans.

You’ve been married ten years! You’ve gone camping! You’ve stayed in hotels! You’ve been in the hospital! You’ve been pregnant! YOU LIVED IN A ONE BEDROOM ONE BATHROOM APARTMENT!

You’re not going to get me on this one. I would rather die a slow horrible death from backed up poop and pinched in pee than go to the bathroom in front of my husband. PERIOD.

What about your close friends and family?

I’ll just say I’ve never seen a single one of my girlfriends naked. Sadly I am well aware of the ones who DO NOT SHUT THE DOOR ZOMG SHUT THE DOOR OR WE CANNOT STAY IN HOTEL ROOMS TOGETHER.

I have spent the last three days in a very small hotel room with my mom and only sister. We all shut the door. And keep our bits covered. If we can do it, you can do it.

I guess if you want a little backstory, if I ever wanted to become instantly unattracted to a boy in my younger years I would picture him taking a giant sweaty too much Mexican food pit stop. Attraction CURED! Not to mention, you may *think* you only have a #1 to attend to. But sometimes #2 can appear! OUT OF NOWHERE! Or there’s the dreaded #1.5 in the form of giant echoing farts against cold porcelain.

Even when I’m old and in diapers while Cody is still strong, able bodied and nimble, I will pay some young woman nurse good money to come in and change me. I’m sure Cody would offer, but honestly him paying the young nurse lady would be a much grander gesture of love and affection in our senior years.

So when did you first break the “potty in front of a loved one” barrier? WHO’S WITH ME?

Because with me is really the only place to be.

*shuts door on way out, you’re welcome.*

Comments

  1. I have absolutely no problem peeing in front of people I know well. I don’t know why that is. For some reason I relate it to marching band and having to change in front of people a lot. But #2? No way in hell. I hold it if I have to. And if I think there’s even a chance someone will hear me make a sound? Or a splash? I’ll still hold it. I’ve held it for days. DAYS.

    It was not fun.

  2. In 17 years my husband has never seen me in the presence of a toilet save one medical emergency and that one bad night of tequila but there was only praying going on. No peeing. Seriously we built the bathroom in our house around this principle. Keeping the marital mystery alive…right?

  3. I’m pretty sure you’ve seen me naked at least once. Remember that one time I thought you were gone, but then you came back and SURPRISE! I had already ditched my clothes? Sorry. That’s just how I roll.

    As you know, my family pees with the door open. And well, sadly my mom and dad poop with the door open. Oh the shame. I’m more than comfortable peeing in front of people and seeing other people pee. But poop? I stand firm on my position that I do not and never have pooped in my life. (Except the one time I let Billy walk me through the use of an enema.)

Trackbacks

  1. […] and I were at dinner last night with some friends and after the comments on my post about CLOSING THE DOOR WHEN YOU GO POTTY PLEASE AND THANK YOU I’m pretty sure I’m the majority. But the table assured me I am in fact in the […]